100th post. Tribute to my entire past told in this blog so far. Much much more to come. I welcome 2012 and lead me hopefully in the right direction. Cheers.

Best Boyfriend Ever.

We've been together a year, just about. So I'm gonna spam my blog of pictures of us.

XD. Love you babe!

Quick Christmas Update

Best gifts ever this Christmas: a Stump-o-matic and a signed guitar pick from Patrick himself. Pretty awesome.

You'll see what I'm doing later.

Back. Again.

It's been a year since I sent that really long Skype thing to Graham, basically refusing to be thrown around and giving him an ultimatum that definitely didn't work in my favor.

It's just sad. Here I am, trying to enjoy the holidays after a year without him, and shit like that comes and ruins it. I know I'm supposed to be strong and I'm supposed to be able to forget it all and I should be completely and utterly happy and this shouldn't bother me. But I'm sorry. I can help it.

For a long time I thought he was my "One." For a long time I thought we were going to have a future together and we were going to beat the distance. For a long time he was the only person I could 100% count on for everything, and I mean everything. And yeah, it's been a year since the final break up. But to me that makes no difference in how...hurt I am. And it doesn't help the memories fade away.

I love TJ but there are times I miss things Graham and I did. I miss how he twirled me around at our Spring Break visit. I miss when we made out for the first time and how we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I miss the up-all-night conversations. I miss our "dates" and planning for visits. I miss the way he looked at me when we were together. I miss how I felt when he held me.

I know I fucked it all up. It was because of me. And while I adore my relationship with TJ, I know if I hadn't fucked up with Graham, we'd probably still be together. Because if I hadn't cheated or continued talking to Jimmy, our relationship's innocence would still be intact, at least where outside influences are concerned. I'd probably be planning a wedding a year from now.

But he's gone. He doesn't feel what I feel. He's forgotten everything and moved on and left me with all of the memories, good and bad. He is with her. I meant what I said when I told her I wish them the best, but that doesn't keep me from missing what we had.

Happy holidays. "Merry Christmas; I could care less."

Love,
Caitlyn

Give it Up for the New Year

It's pretty close to 2012, the year the world ends. Lots of theories, lots of speculation. If we all die, at least I don't have to worry about graduating with an IB diploma.

A million things happened this year. I lost two best friends. My heart was shattered. I found love again. I met Patrick Stump (and obsessed over Soul Punk). I made new Twitter friends (Hannah, Cecilia, @Stumplicious, etc.). I made my fair share of mistakes. I found plenty of blessings. I got my license. I got a car. I got my dad back. Like I said: a million things.

However, Christmas has yet to be here, and I can't wait. I love being around (extended) family. I love seeing looks on people's faces when they open gifts I've bought them. It's priceless.

I probably won't be on here until after the start of 2012, so happy holidays and happy new year. Make a resolution and stick to it. Mine for 2011 was to figure out Graham Benson Howell and look what happened: I'm with TJ, living and loving life, happily putting that boy behind me. So good luck everyone.

Love,
Caitlyn

Last Night

I've been kinda...off ever since my NC visit. It hurt Graham didn't want to see me but it gave me the power I needed to get over him. But everything he did still hurt, and it culminated in this conversation I had with TJ last night so I could sort it out.

Me: So, looking back, I know Ry wasn't, like, real. I know I never actually miscarried. But that feeling, of wanting something with someone so bad and not getting it, was real. And it resonated in the idea of this beautiful baby girl. Did I ever tell you what we thought she looked like? She always had my long, light blonde hair. His ebony eyes. My skin. His face. My lips. His love of the outdoors. My creativity. We always thought she'd be an artist. A photographer. We loved her. And yeah it was crazy to think she was real. But to us, she was. We spent hours and hours crying over her. And for what, if she never existed? I think we both knew where we were headed, that the hormones were taking over and that there was no shot in hell for us. So we created Ryanna, if to only save that one pure aspect of us. The aspect that wanted a family and a future. And it worked. We saw that part we loved so much in each other and grew attached to it. We never dared let it go because of its perfection. Her perfection. When he shattered my heart, he shattered that fantasy. He shattered what I wanted and needed most, and that's what was so hard. It's what continues to be so goddamn hard. Don't get me wrong. I'm over him. I'm not in love or wanting him back or any of that jazz. But I'm still healing over truly losing that beautiful baby girl. I wasn't prepared to lose her with him. That's why it hurts so bad to see him with someone else, or when he doesn't want to talk to me or have anything to do with me. In my mind, we still shared her. We shared the same dream and the same goals from life and made the same plans. And because we shared all of that, there's this tiny part of me that believes he's still mine, in a sense. And it hurts every so often to know he's gone and left me without any comfort whatsoever. But again, don't get me wrong. I love you. I want those plans with you. I want those dreams and the same experience with you because I love you to the core of my being. I don't know when I'll be able to fully let him and Ry go, but know that I'm trying to so I can be the best to you that I can be. Because you don't deserve someone only partially here.

TJ: Do you want to know one of my biggest fears? Every time we have a scare the thing i am most affraid of is putting you through the pain of a miscarry if it occurs. I would blame myself for you hurting like that and would probably never be able to forgive myself. I know it wouldn't be my fault but i would take it that way. It is just how i work. And i thought you were over him and i had your heart as my own. It hurts me a little to know that isn't true.


Me: It isn't that my heart is his, because he doesn't have it. She does. Even though she's only in my mind.

TJ: I honestly can't understand it. I know you want a family. But did he know she wasn't real? Did you let him suffer the pain of knowing you miscarried? Or did he just go along with it? Because i know that would kill me and to do something like that just to save a relationship means the relationship isn't worth it. Now mentally you are tied on him and emaotionally you scarred yourself. Sometimes it is best to have loved and lost than to not love at all and when it is over just let go. It took me two and a half years to find someone i wanted to be with and i was rejected, broken hearted, dismayed by girls. Then i found you. Had i not let them go i would not be where i am today and be this incredibly happy with you.

Me: You think I knew then what I know now? I thought to my soul she was real for a year. I cried myself to sleep for months wishing I could have her back because it was my fault she wasn't here. I would never make that up to fuck with my mind and I certainly wouldn't fuck with him and his emotions because he wanted a baby just as bad as I did. As for the rest of what you said, I get it. It's been a year since he left. And I've made progress. More than I thought I'd make with him gone. I fell harder for you than I thought I would after him. I don't want him. I want you.

TJ: It hurts though babe. Knowing all this. I feel as if you might never completly be mine.

Me: I tell you that you have of my heart everything I have. And I didn't want to hurt you. I'm sorry.

This morning he was better and we're back to normal. I guess I just needed to get all that off my chest to someone and he deserved to know where my head was. It's the least I can do for the person I love.

We may not be able to see each other on Christmas, but this'll be the best Christmas for me in 11 years. I can feel it.

Love,
Caitlyn

"Say Anything"

Wrote a poem in art class today. I won't post it for fear of certain others reading it but I will say it definitely allowed me some venting time. It may not be the best I've ever written, but it's done its purpose.

Have I said yet today I'm tired of bitchy girls and silly drama? Yes? I figured. It happens so often...well. You know.

Can school be over yet? I just want to go home, go to dance, and do some fucking homework and edit a super awesome fan fiction from my friend Cecilia.

Love, Caitlyn

Meme and HIMYM

One week since my last post. Kinda long since I've been blogging so much but in my defense I've had a lot going on. Like anyone reads this.

I have tonsillitis. Yuck.

Until yesterday I have been walking on air. I took the SAT Saturday, and I'm pretty sure I scored well. Anything 2100 and above means I don't ever have to take it again. Considering in 7th grade, exactly four years ago, I got a 1610, I can't imagine not doing extremely better.

Later on Saturday, I spent time with my grandmother, who insists on being called Grammy, but when I was little I couldn't say Grammy and morphed it into Meme. I helped her decorate her house for Christmas (she's nearing 82) and she shared stories about her favorite ornaments and things like that. It was very heartwarming since I don't see her often, and she's practically me in roughly 66 years from now. I identify with her so much it's scary. We like the same things. She doesn't judge. She's incredibly open-minded. She loves to bake. She values family above anything else. She's my absolute favorite family member of both sides. I know one day she'll die, and with her will disappear stories and traditions and ways of life, but it's comforting to know that when she goes I'll inherit, or probably will anyway, her ornaments and special items that I always loved. However, I refuse to allow her to die until I have my first child, or at least until I'm married. It kinda sucks, considering her side of the family doesn't get sick and you know about when they'll die; they just go. It'll be a shock I'll be unprepared for, but at least I'll have had weekends and baking escapades and all sorts of advice.

HIMYM is an acronym for my favorite show How I Met Your Mother. Look it up. On the most recent episode, Robin thought she was pregnant with Barney's baby, turned out she wasn't, but when she returned to the doctor she got a diagnosis of never being able to have children. It struck home.

I don't know what I'd do if I found that out about myself. Having a family is something I've wanted for as long as I can remember. And with my mom's potentially genetic issue that could inhibit my ability to conceive or last through full term, I'm terrified it's a possibility. I want to force her into having me tested for the gene for whatever is wrong, I've forgotten the name of it, because I don't want to wait until it actually matters to know about it. What if I'm 26, 27 and ready to have kids to find out I can't because of this thing and the treatment will render me unable to have a child until a year or more later? What if that child because of advanced maternal age due to extensive treatment ends up with some issue that could have been prevented with the use of a younger egg?

A lot of things wrong with what I just said. It's crazy, it's questionable, it's definitely opinionated, and it's out of character for someone my age. But that's where my mind is. I don't get caught up in "normal" drama. I don't obsess myself with obvious short-term relationships for the sake of having someone. I don't care about high school period, in case anyone hasn't figured that out yet. The only boy I obsessed over was a year ago because he left me and he had me convinced that he was The One. And now I have TJ, who I am utterly in love with but reluctant to believe is The One because I don't want to experience that kind of heartbreak ever again in my existence.

I am trapped in this world of pettiness and immaturity, but unfortunately only time will break me out.

Love,
Caitlyn

Class Ring

My class ring came in today. My sides are the IB emblem and The Arts, with "Caitlyn Holly" as the engraving.

Today was amazing all things considered. The kids were alright at work. TJ is as sweet as ever. School drama has essentially died. I'm sorting out my math class. I feel good, like wholly good down to my core. And I like this feeling.

My motivation for IB is back with a vengeance. How could it not be when my mom spent a ton of money for a class ring? I hate high school, but graduating from IB is something to be proud of. Especially surviving it with most of my sanity.

Like TJ has said rather frequently: "Fuck them all baby it's just you and me." And I'm okay with that. I don't want to be so depressed I'd rather die than live another day. That's not selfish; that's survival.

Love,
Caitlyn

Rumor Has It...

According to school the last couple days, a rumor about me cheating on TJ has ravaged through the IB class. It started because Chelsi and I were fighting, and she wanted to "ruin me." She spread it to her (ex?)boyfriend, who spread it to another kid, who spread it to everyone in IB.

I had warned TJ, because I read the tweet from Chels wanting to "ruin me" and didn't want him to get the initial bad idea. However, even when he heard it, he flipped out. Questioned me. Yesterday he believed me, yesterday he wrote a rant on Facebook about how people should stay out of "us." But today, he wants to see me in person. Today, he wants to hear me say that this rumor isn't true. Because apparently he heard from someone else that the rumor is true.

WHAT THE FUCK.

I'm on the verge of giving up and throwing it all away. I almost want to lie and say it's true but I won't. I had to do a presentation about Anne Sexton today, and the whole time about half the class wasn't paying attention because they were busy discussing my relationship, or at least that's what it felt like.

It sucks knowing everyone's discussing you, and what they say could destroy your happiness. I was so happy, so at peace in my relationship that it was what I looked forward to in this haze I've been in recently. But now? I have nothing: no escape, no tranquility.

Everything is back full circle. That happiness is gone, and so is my security. I'm sick of living life this way. It's just a matter of time. Why not just give up? I'm running out of reasons why not to.

Love,
Caitlyn

I can't.

I can't pretend anymore.

I don't know if what I feel about life is a phase or not, but I do know that I have lost all motivation or appreciation.

I'm tired of not living my life. Like in my last post. I haven't read a book for pleasure in over a year. I haven't picked up my favorite guitar let alone cleaned it in months. I haven't learned a new song in a longer time than that. I have zero passion for anything except TJ right now. And that's saying a lot. Not to say he isn't worth my passion, because he definitely is.

I used to write fan fiction. Hell I used to live fan fiction. I'd follow stories and if my favorites weren't updated I'd find a new one and read for hours. Get ideas for my own stories and let it go. And let's not mention my non-fan fiction stuff. Haven't written that in awhile either. The last poem or song I wrote? At least three months ago. Or rather, that was the last time I didn't write one for school. I can't remember the last time I did something not for school.

I'm so worn out most of the time I can't make myself do things for me. I have time for dance, babysitting, homework, and school-related activities. I have time for my favorite TV shows (thank the fucking Lord), I have time for Sims, but I not only don't have time for anything else but I also have no energy or willpower to do it. I have intense writer's block. I can't get into my favorite books or series. I hardly log onto a computer (thought that's in part because of my iPod).

I want to leave IB so so so badly. I'd still get into college. I'd still get the life I want. And if I left I'd be happier. More care free. I'd have time to clean and do housework and be with my family. And I'd be able to do everything else I like doing. I'm terrified that if I wait too much longer I'll want to do more than just leave IB.

Like I said depression runs in my family. Maybe I wait it out and see. Then check with my mom. Right now all that's keeping me alive, or at least from planning out my demise, is TJ, Hannah, Patrick [Stump and his music], and my future family. Without any of that I'm done for.

Love,
Caitlyn

Indifference and The Sims

I used to love school. The very idea of learning and knowledge would be enough to get me out of bed in the morning. I would attend school with 101 fevers just so I wouldn't miss anything. School was the most important thing.

Now, I hate school. While I still enjoy the academic environment, I loathe getting up before the sun or before 7. I take mental health days. While I know school is important for college, I could definitely care less about it.

Why am I this way? What happened to me? How can I get that drive back? Right now, I'd be perfectly content with going to Dual Enrollment or getting my GED and going for my AA. Everything would be easy and I wouldn't have to wake to before 7. I'd have time for art, for music. I haven't touched my guitars in months. I haven't read a book for pleasure in a year. I'm slowly losing myself, and as a result my sanity, and I hate it.

So even though I have a million things to do, I play The Sims. I customize my characters. I play so that I can see my life years from now and forget all this nonsense. I enjoy escaping into that world where everything is perfect.

No idea what to do other than that though. I'm afraid to get too involved in anything for fear of having to leave it for school work.

I used to sing. Not because I thought I was awesome at it but because I was so happy I had to sing: just turn on my favorite music and let me have my way with it. And now I hate singing because I fear other people will judge me and listen.

My genetics predispose me to a multitude of depressions. I think they've caught up with me. Besides the whole Graham-induced suicide thing, I'm not toying with it much, but I'm at the point where death doesn't seem like such a bad thing.

It's Saturday, 5:22 AM. I fell asleep at around 11:30 last night and I'm wide awake. A whole shitload of work faces me for the remaining weekend but I'm staying positive. I'm up to play The Sims for awhile and then get busy.

Love,
Caitlyn

Sick.

Haven't been feeling so hot lately.

I'm sick, not just physically though. I'm sick of high school. I'm sick of petty drama. I'm sick of backstabbing and rumors and jealousy. I'm sick of sleep deprivation and pretending I'm content with my life. I'm sick of not being able to love TJ like I want to. I'm sick of not having the ability to speak my mind.

I'm sick of not being able to live my life the way I believe I should. I'm sick of parents who try and shove their crazy ideologies down my not-so-conservative throat. I'm sick of being treated like a child when I'm actually closer to becoming an adult.

I'm sick of the public school system. I'm sick of walking into school and being immediately categorized as a criminal. I'm sick of insane due dates and packed work weeks. I'm sick of pretending I care about grades and tests and studying.

I'm sick of pretending I care about much anything at all. I'm sick of being someone I'm not. I'm sick of lying to everyone's faces. I'm just sick.

I'm just terribly sick.

Love,
Caitlyn

UNC

As far as the college visit went, that aspect of the trip was okay. Definitely not my top, but I could accept it. The weather, although cold, was beautiful. The autumn leaves were the most gorgeous things I've seen in a long time. But I didn't see Graham.

I texted him at 11:11 on 11/11 "I'm here in North Carolina until Sunday. It would be nice to see you." I received zero response. I waited until 7:14 of the same night to call, where I left a voicemail essentially saying the same things. No response to that either. The following morning I unblocked him on Facebook to message him, and I said everything I had been keeping from him for the last ten or so months.

"Hey Graham,

I'm up and getting ready for my UNC visit. Never been here this time of year before and you were right: it's absolutely beautiful. I've never seen trees such vibrant colors, and I didn't believe it until I actually saw it with my own two eyes. Despite this all being new and about experiencing a probable option for college, I find myself thinking about the past, about Duke TIP, about your family, and about seeing you.

I still love you, Graham Benson. I still care about you. I never stopped. Even when you told me about Blair and I shoved TJ in your face, which I realize now I should never have done and I am so sorry for that, I still loved you. I made so many mistakes with us and even though you did too, I know now that it was because I started it.

I understand the reasons that you might not see me this weekend, and those reasons are admirable, but if I don't see you I will be leaving with a heavy heart. There's so much I want to say to you in person, and I only pray I get the chance to do so.

I'm on the hotel computers and don't have on-going access to Facebook, so please call me on my cell phone."

He didn't respond but his girlfriend did. Essentially, she told me I cause problems in their relationship and I need to accept our break up. I said I just wanted to see him once and then I will leave them be, and then assured her after she seemed worried I'd try to take him from her that I just want him happy and do not want to steal him. She told me that he doesn't want to see me or contact me and that he's happy. I wished them the best. Haven't heard anything since.

I'm quite finished at this point. I don't care that I know the truth. The real truth. I don't care about the future and possibilities and whatnot. He has burned his bridge with me. I put myself out there 110% and received zero effort in return. I have to put him completely behind me, if not for myself then for the absolutely amazing and perfect boyfriend I do have.

If Graham and I had seen each other I know what would've happened. We would've hugged for a long time first. Then we would've eaten something, been both friendly and flirty way too much than we'd have cared to admit. At the end we would've hugged again, and somewhere in there would've been a kiss. Not a "I miss you let's get back together" kiss but more "I miss you and I'm so sorry for fucking everything up and maybe one day but who knows" kiss.

I miss aspects of what we had but I have so much better in TJ. He's what I need and want, at least for high school, but I have a feeling we could go longer than that. I love him, truly and fully, and he deserves a girlfriend who can give her whole heart to him instead of just giving only what she has to give. But I'm getting better. I'm slowly mending those broken pieces and giving him them in chunks, one bit at a time. Eventually he will have all of it, and if not than the most and best parts of it.

I wish I could stay home and write today since all my homework from the weekend is done. Hm. Does God love me enough to do that?

This past weekend was not what I wanted it to be, but it definitely was what I needed it to be.

Love,
Caitlyn

Re-reading

I just read some old posts on here. Wow. I want to say I've changed, that I'm not that girl, but I am. Those things happened to me. This is my life, for the last couple of years. I've been in love, had my heart broken, debated and attempted suicide, and many other things. There's still so much left I can do with my life and so much time left to do it in. I still look over my shoulder at the past, even turn completely around and watch for awhile, but I always face forward in the end. I don't know what will happen in my life, I don't make things happen, but I can shape it.

Love,
Caitlyn

24 Hours

I leave for NC in the morning, which is twenty four hours from now. I'm definitely freaking out. I freaked out so bad last night I blacked out.

It's been a year. He shouldn't make me feel this way when I think about seeing him. It's like the first winter visit and spring break all over again, except I was nervous about whether or not we'd still like being around each other after months being apart. This time I don't know what's scarier: us seeing each other and coming to the conclusion we can't contact each other any more, or not seeing him at all because he'll refuse to see me.

Tomorrow though is 11/11/11. Magic is supposed to happen. At 11:11 AM I'll have landed and texted him to let him know I wasn't scared away by his comments and I am in fact within twenty minutes of driving distance.

I keep having this thought after I got an email from my UNC Saturday group saying we were so big we had to meet elsewhere: what if he scheduled a time there too? What if he found that loophole before I did? What if I get there, 9:30 AM, and there he is, standing across the room and possibly provoking memories from three and a half years ago?

Three and a half years. That's a long time. For about two and a half of that we shared dreams together, formulated plans for the future. Which would bring me to share my fears of my eighteenth birthday but that's another post for a time after this trip.

Right. School. My quarter grades are 4 A's and 2 D's. Only I could pull that off. And TJ's great. He's got something up his sleeve for our one year I can feel it, and what's better is my mom and stepdad will be in Vegas that weekend. Quelle temps!

I'm lying in bed, again. Three day weekend here I come, I guess. School should be okay. Except for all the homework I have to do. At least I'll be distracted if something goes wrong.

Love,
Caitlyn

Why?

I'm lying in bed. I leave for North Carolina two days from tomorrow morning. Then I'll be there until Sunday afternoon with my UNC visit on Saturday at 9:30 AM.

I've tried forgetting I'll be within 20 minutes of a DRIVE from Graham Howell. I tried rationalizing how much of an utter douchebag he's been to me and that I shouldn't ever want to see him again, let alone talk to him. Nothing has worked, and I can't sleep from knots in my stomach.

It doesn't seem real. I haven't seen Graham since the summer of 2010. I haven't been to NC since then either. I miss the area. I miss a lot of things.

I wish I were 100% okay with not seeing him this weekend, but I'm far from okay. I wish I could non-chalantly say "Hey I'm here and it would be nice to see you" but I can't. I need us to have closure, to have some kind of definite stance on where we are and where we could go, if anywhere. I need to see him again so I know once and for all what my feelings are. Because either one of us can type out a text message or an email saying something, but plain text leaves words subject to interpretation. In person, or at least on the phone, you can dense the tone of words and the sounds of the other person. You make certain things clear that texts simply don't have.

I don't know how I'll react if I don't see him. I honestly have no idea. Will it say more words than I can type out in a blog post or even ever say out loud? Yes. But the feeling I'd get if we didn't see each other is something I can't pinpoint. And the worst of it is that I can't afford to negatively react because I have a ton of homework to do over the weekend in my down time.

I am hoping and praying with everything I have that we can see each other, that he comes to terms with this mutual need we have and agrees to meet with me somewhere. Because I know if he came to Tampa or Orlando or hell even Gainesville maybe for college visits and he asked to see me, I'd be there; I have enough respect for him as a person and enough respect for our former relationship to do that for him. Oh well.

I'd better sleep or at least try to. I've been having a really difficult time with that lately. Dunno why.

Love,
Caitlyn

Crossroads

So I was 5 days late on my period, and I showed multiple symptoms for how many days past ovulation I was. I even had all the cervix signs. And then my period showed up, which I'm not disputing.

I've gone over, more times than I care to admit, my feelings about what would happen if I became a pregnant teen. I truly wouldn't be worried other than for the health of my baby, and I wouldn't have much of an issue adjusting from being a teen to a mother. To me, having a child at this age isn't so much a curse or just a responsibility in need of owning up to. Children are miracles, with numerous joys attached to the responsibility of being a parent; if all that existed in parenthood were the negatives and responsibilities, no one would reproduce or raise children.

TJ does not share in my viewpoints, sadly. Then again, he doesn't have the same background as I do when it comes to the drive for parenting. He gets extremely worried when it gets close to my period, he focuses on the negatives of being young parents when we discuss the "what if" scenario, and when I ask what he'd do, he says, essentially, that the baby is a responsibility that he'd take care of. He also believes having a baby so young would bring his world crashing down and he'll never amount to anything and his entire future will be in ruin.

I understand his words are that of a normal teenager response, but that kind of response is not acceptable with me. If we got pregnant, our parents would, originally, solely emphasize the responsibility and difficulties, and because of that argument he and I need to stay on the positives. I can't work with someone on something so crucial who has such a drastically different standpoint.

What I know is that, if we did get pregnant, once he held his child in his arms, the world would disappear around him and his attention would focus on that baby and nothing else, that he would push all the negativity aside and look forward to the milestones in his or her life. But he hasn't realized that yet.

I know I can't forcibly change his mental position, I can't make him take my side on this whole issue, but I do know that I can't take much more negativity. I'm at a crossroads in our relationship once again, and I don't know what way I'll go.

Love,
Caitlyn

Rhizomania

Tests. Quizzes. Homework. College. GPA. Study.

Study...dance. Extra-curriculars. Honor societies. Baking. Work.

Work...the kids. "Don't kill each other." "Be nice to him!" "Can we go outside?"

Hm outside...the breeze. The cool sunset air on my face. Achu scaring the birds away. The baby in my arms and I rock him to sleep on the swing in this beautiful weather.

The baby...my baby. He isn't mine, I mean it in a future tense. My calling. The only part of life I want and crave. The only thing that, if lacking over time, would be the death of me. Literally.

I spend so much time thinking about the now, of short term goals that reflect my conforming to society's idea of normal.

Society rips apart teenage girls getting pregnant. "Should've had birth control pills." "Should've used a condom." "Should've kept your legs crossed." And when these girls try to succeed after dealing with their life-given lemons, we push them headfirst into a rose bed's thorns.

Why can't we help them? Why can't we do for them what we do for "accepted ages" of mothers? So these teens are stressed out from motherhood. So are plenty of new moms of all ages. So they make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. So they don't immediately adjust to motherhood. I've never seen one new mom adjust immediately. But to repay them for choosing life, and for owning up to what they've done, we make their multitude of jobs exponentially harder.

If I end up a teen mom, I'd hope the people I know would be more understanding. I'd hope they wouldn't shun me and force me into isolation. I'd hope that my family would be supportive and happy, even, instead of never letting me live it down. Because quite frankly, I'd rather be a mom now and know I can be one than wait it out and discover I am never going to have a baby.

Of course, every situation varies. I know what I want. I know that I don't care, in the true long run, about school or a "good job." And I really don't care about the looks I'd get, or the questioning, or the probable struggle of getting some kind of mainstream education. The only thing that matters to me, if this ends up happening, is that baby, the perfect miracle who would make me who I know I really am.

So far, so negative. And I don't know which result would be best for everyone involved, because I tend to forget the other person, my partner, in the situation. But honestly, I don't care if he stays or leaves, because that's on him. His decision.

Back to me. Back to this. Back to the future.

The future...it all comes back around in rhizomania.

The Times That Try Men's Souls

Coincidentally, today is a year past last year's Homecoming. Disastrous I know but I've turned it around I think. This year's homecoming was the best ever.

I'm sitting in my bathroom waiting for my hair dye to be done working so I can commence with my day. For school I'm baking a Halloween-ish cookie, writing my college application essay, and doing Biology junk. But TJ is coming over later which I like.

We're on a break now. I just needed some time to see if I can do things on my own, plus I haven't been truly single since I was 11. Yeah. I don't want to break up with him, I have zero reason to, but we compromised and you can read his side of things daily on thequasibreak-up.blogspot.com. I love him, I truly do, and I don't want to jeopardize what we have.

Still going up to UNC in two weeks, despite Graham's nasty comments about my opinions. He can act however he wants, say whatever he wants, but I know the truth. No one likes being shrinked, which is what I did, and so what he said to me has nothing to do with how right I am.

I love my job. I don't want to run out the door, I want to stay. The mom said that she may not go back to school after this semester, and I nearly cried because I love those two kids. Even the baby, and he's thrown up on me more times than I can count.

I'm signed up for the SAT and ACT on the first two Saturdays of December. Cannot wait. It's my first real step into getting ready for college, and applying is less than a year away. My life, my adult life, is so close I can taste it. And it is heavenly.

Also: I met Patrick Stump at a show he played at The Ritz. He was awesome and perfect, and he got me a photo pass so I could be in front of the barrier to take pictures. More to come. Maybe I'll make a photo blog somewhere...hey that's an idea.

Timer's up. What timing!

Love,
Caitlyn

To Graham (again)

First off, I want to apologize for the way I reacted the other night. Please allow me the chance to explain and elaborate.

I did not appreciate your girlfriend telling me to essentially "fuck off." I do not and have not spoken to her that way, and if she had talked with me intelligently I would be more than willing to hear her side of things. Until that happens, let's keep this between the two of us.

I'm going to be brutally honest, about my opinions on the both of us. Did you forget I intend to be a psychology major and can very accurately pick up on what people say and in what manner? I figured you had.

During our conversation Friday night, it became incredibly obvious that you definitely still have feelings for me, and that you don't need to see me for that to be both clear and certain of that. What you tell your girlfriend about your heart is your business, but I know better. Always have. If you were over me, you wouldn't still be hurt by a mistake I made two years ago. The reason I wonder what would happen if we saw each other is that I don't know what I feel for you. I'm hurt by what you did to me, and I like to think that I'm healing, but I'm aware a connection like what we had never goes away. Would you rather be married or in a real, serious relationship one day and randomly bump into each other on the street and hash it out there, or would you rather get this out of the way young? I vote young. If we end up realizing at this get-together that we have feelings for each other still, then we can figure it out without having our hormones and subsequent feelings taking over. I know in every fiber of my being that we're able to be mature enough to handle this in a healthy manner. I mean, chances are I will be going to UNC for 5 years, living off campus and establishing residency, so I'll be in the area for awhile.

If seeing me is what you truly want to do, then do it regardless of what your girlfriend says. It's about you, becoming emotionally healthy, is it not? I don't intend or want to do anything physical or questionable with you. There is nothing wrong with having a conversation with someone you had a deep, deep connection with. In the movie The Break-Up, at the end, the former couple runs into each other on the street and makes a "date" for coffee or something like that. That's all I want to do: make a "date" to be friends, or at least establish some kind of definition on what we can be. If she can't trust you to be alone with me, to the point where she curses me out, then that's a very, very obvious flaw and conflict in your relationship.

On your own, you expressed to me wanting to see me for closure, but with your girlfriend present you say "I think a year's long enough." On your own, you're friendly, open, and joking with me, but when with her you say we can never be friends. In addition to being friendly with me when you're alone, when you're with her you're snappy and rude. Do you have any idea what you did to me? How far you set me back? Yet you claim not to care. How could you not care, Graham?

Out of respect to our former relationship, I ask that we still see each other on November 11th. You and I both know that we need it, with the best case scenario being that we can finally put what we both did to each other behind us and move on.

Speaking of our past, I don't appreciate your girlfriend having my necklace. My mom told me. Don't you remember the meaningful story behind it, how it was my 6-month/Christmas present? Remember your intention to put a tiny third heart attached on the bottom? Yeah. Giving her my necklace doesn't say "I respect a former love, who I thought was the love of my life." Also, I wonder what happened to the ring, the blanket, and the pillow. Ya know?

In addition, and in my final statement, I'm not getting the vibe you love her. In fact, I'm getting a "I'm only with her so I can get laid and I'm turning into a pig" vibe. If you loved her, you'd go home more than the standard "I have to go home once a month" weekend to see her. If you loved her, you would have found a way to give her a different necklace than the one that you know constantly reminds you of me. If you loved her, you'd be honest with her about every last detail, because that's what a real relationship is. Also, because of how you treated me the other night, I picked up on the "I'm only saying these things and reacting this way because she told me to and if I don't I won't be having sex."

I apologize if any of this has offended you. I just needed to get that all out in the open. If I never hear from you again, even after you read this, know that a part of my heart will always have your name on it and our relationship had a profound impact on my life, and for that I thank you. I apologize for all the hurt I've caused you, and I wish you the best. If you could just comment here or text me to let me know you actually read this, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Because I do, in fact, think I'll hear from you, I look forward to hearing your response.

Sincerely,
Luna

Flash Forward?

For the past month, a few events have transpired.

School's pretty alright. I have 3 C's (2 are borderline B's), 2 B's, and an A, and the best part is that I'm actually getting the material. I finally feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be. Guess it's good the whole Dual Enrollment thing never went through right?

TJ is just...amazing. Enough said. Today is our nine-month, and I'm so glad to have him in my life.

So I've been talking to Graham a bit, or rather I was. I felt as though our relationship (by which I mean friendship) was finally healing and getting to a good, progressive place. He even requested to be friends on Facebook via text (he's blocked). After not texting for a bit, he, out of the clear blue sky at 7:14 PM (the time was special while we were together) said "Hey, I visited the spot where I proposed to you today and I thought I should let you know." No, I did not change one word in that quote. No, I did not mix it up at all. That's what I got, that's what I had to work with. I asked my friends and my mom and I received mix results: Chelsi said he still had feelings for me, Marni said the past should stay in the past, and my mom agreed with Chelsi. Her reasoning was that a) he had had time to think about it (not like it had just happened; it had gone on earlier in the day) and b) he said VISIT. Not passed, not saw. Visited, "like you visited a grave site," she said. When I finally replied later that night, we joked about things and whatnot and then it ended when I fell asleep.

In the days that followed, my mind was on overload about Graham and that text message. I wondered if he thought that way all the time, I wondered what he was actually thinking about at that moment. I was curious about quite a few things, and among them a constantly recurring thought in my mind: what would happen if we ever saw each other again?

I ran this by my mom, who was more than supportive of the idea. She's friended him on Facebook (which I found really, really weird), and they've actually talked; I even suspect she likes him more than TJ. And so, when I got the OK from her, I asked Graham "if I were to come to Raleigh for a college visit, would you want us to see each other"? He replied "actually, yes, I think it would be good for closure." We arranged weekends that would be good for the both of us to meet up, which I then ran by my mom. I was getting excited about seeing him, because I want to put behind me any question about my feelings for him. Also, I want to be open with him, even friends (which I thought we were already becoming), which would mean that I want to talk about our love lives with each other, but I can't. I'm not over what he did, I'm not over him being with someone else, but I want to be.

So last Friday, I set up a college visit at UNC (it's a good school that's on my college list anyway) for a weekend that worked with us, and since he'd told me to keep him updated on the date, I did so. He responds with "actually, it's causing a lot of drama and I don't think it's a good idea." Over the next five hours, it ranged from that, to his girlfriend texting me and telling me to "leave him the fuck alone" (quite a charmer, isn't she?), to in the end Graham telling me we could never be friends because I cheated on him two years ago (see "Him" part 2). I responded, because I was incredibly upset, that he was never going to hear from me or about me ever again. He didn't respond.

I wish I could take my response back, but I can't. I haven't heard from him since that night, not that I expected to, but I wish I did so I could be totally honest. I haven't eaten a substantial anything since Friday at lunch. I've cried myself sick two nights in a row. I haven't been able to do homework. I had to have TJ by my side for the past two days. It wasn't a good situation.

I decided sometime either yesterday or this morning to write a subsequent post about this here to get it all out, once and for all. It will be written in second-person, to Graham, and then I will send him the link. Better than a million texts right? I won't send it for awhile, so that we both have time to cool off, but I think I should write it sooner rather than later. I will be heart-breakingly honest, because it's about time I've been honest about him, to his face. I'm not scared of what could happen, because I have nothing left to lose as far as he's concerned.

The UNC visit is still on, for Veteran's Day weekend. I can only hope we can actually see each other, because in my opinion we both need it.

I best go before I get too emotional.

Love,
Caitlyn

It's Not Over 'Till It's Over

I'm a whirlwind of thoughts, of ideas. I don't know what to do with myself.

I broke down last night. I miss [the idea of] Ryanna. I'm going insane with the uncertainty of my life. And I have no one, not even Graham (yeah talking to him about all that last night was a mistake), and that kills me. I feel as though I'm dying inside and I can't do anything about it. No one will listen to me. No one is there for me.

It's making me crazy. It's making me crave the blade again. It's making me crave the curiosity of knowing what it's like on "the other side." It's making me crave to want to be a mother again, and now. But I can't have all three going on inside of me at once. Seriously I can't.

All damn morning I was practically a zombie, going over in my head every craving. I thought about starting up cutting again, how it would shut me up like it did four years ago. I thought about saying "Fuck it," sending off my suicide notes to everyone I know and calling it quits. I thought about throwing out this month's birth control and actively try to get pregnant. All insane, all pointing to me being committed or thrust into therapy (even though that didn't really help in the first place). But for now I sit here with the radio playing in the background, and I Skype with my boyfriend while he finishes his homework.

I feel terrible for knowing he can't help either, because he has no idea what this is like. Whenever we go through a scare, he flips out and worries about the negatives: what will we do with the baby, how will we tell our parents, what about school? Instead, I think about all the positives: what it would feel like to create a human being, the overwhelming joy of our child's' accomplishments. It's a curse, not worrying. It kills me, just like it kills me to know he can't help. All he says is that he loves me and that he promises that he isn't' going anywhere. While it's cute and I appreciate it, it gets annoying really fast, especially when I'm looking for answers and solutions on what to do in this scenario.

This coming Sunday will be the one year anniversary of my suicide attempt, marking my lowest point in my entire life after Graham left. I never shared the story did I? Well here it goes...

That Friday afternoon, I'd gone home with Jimmy to piss off my mom and ended up rolling around on his bed making out and...other things. Later, Graham had just ended our "reconciliation" and talked me to sleep, saying he'd call me in the morning (this was a Friday night into Saturday); he never called. I left a message and when I didn't get it back, by the time my parents left me home alone my mind was made up. Yes, it was an impulse decision, but I was done. I was finished with literally feeling sick to my stomach, being unable to eat and throwing up whatever I'd managed to eat. Gone from my mind were TJ (the first time around) and Jimmy, regardless of how I felt about them. All that was in my mind was Graham. And how devastated and dead I was. I went into the cabinet and downed 24 Bayer aspirin. I knew the effects wouldn't be immediate, so I laid on the couch with the TV on and waited to die, basically. Before I passed out, I thought about how my mom would walk in from Sam's Club and find me on the couch, dead. I wondered who she'd call first. I thought about how Graham would take it when he found out and whether or not he'd feel guilty. I thought about Jimmy and wondered if he'd regret all the things we hadn't figured out. I thought about TJ, who was the only one who loved me unconditionally. And then I was out. In retrospect, I'm not sure what this next part was: was it a dream, or was it really Heaven? I remember being in white, walking through this easy maze. Everything was really bright, and then I got to this room that kinda looked like mine but instead everything was pure white and airy. One of the walls opened up all the way to reveal white empty space, but I recall it not being a bad empty space. I'd go as far to say it was more inviting and tranquil. Anyway, this woman appeared in a similar white dress out of the empty space: she was pale but healthy-looking, slender, and had curly chestnut hair. We were talking about going into the white space, and I wanted to, but for whatever reason I turned back. And then I woke up. I told Graham later that night what had happened over the phone, then expressed a desire to finish the job the following day (to which he threatened to call my mom). We fell asleep on the phone again, only I woke up at about 3 AM practically deaf and throwing up everywhere, and I was dizzy beyond belief. I went to the ER, and all they had to say was that my inner ears were off. What an understatement.

I found out later that I could have permanently damaged my hearing, although I hadn't been far off on the number of pills from death. A year after all this, the same thoughts are back. I wonder who would miss me, what people would do. I just...feel really sad all over again like before. And the worst part is that whenever I think of Graham and my's breakup, I can feel those feelings again; I wasn't able to before (probably a defense mechanism that's failing). Just because I'm over Graham and I've moved on doesn't mean I don't still hurt from what he did to me. Don't kid yourselves; I'm continuously in the process of picking up the pieces to my heart. Besides, I'd have to look up ways that wouldn't damage my hearing in the long run if I failed. I love music too much.

Like I said, this is all crazy. I'm crazy. All I want to do is get into the fetal position, turn on some music, and cry. I feel so defenseless and powerless and out of control. But it's not over 'till it's over. Nothing's over until it's truly over.

Which brings me full circle, and changing the topic, to Jimmy. I was late to history and while walking there I caught him staring at me. Staring me down with those electric eyes. Goddamn. I just have to remember what I have, which is so much better than he could ever give me; I just have to wait it out another nine months. Not too hard, right? But that's definitely not over 'till it's over, and over means he'll be long gone in college.

Okay now I'm doing a goodnight.

Love,
Caitlyn

Ryanna and Mom

A recurring theme in the past 3 years or so of my life has been motherhood, whether I was intent on becoming a teen mom or just acknowledging that I want to be a mother some day. And with some recently discovered genetic issues, my maternal senses have once again floored to the forefront of my mind.

For those of you who don't know, or never read Graham's posting (prior to him deleting his blog) about it, back in 2009 I miscarried a [suspected] pregnancy, to which he and I were most depressed about; I'd even go as far to say that it's where our problems sprang from. We, or at least I, felt it would have been a girl, and so we used our intended first-born girl name to reference her: Ryanna. Losing her affected us deeply: we cried for weeks, we were delirious. We didn't know what to do with ourselves. We were heartbroken. In the following year, we begun to heal and live our lives, even on what would have been Ry's date of birth, but then on the anniversary of losing her, all of that progress went to hell. We were on the phone (in fact, it was the last meaningful conversation we had prior to our break up) and I brought it up, just talking about her like we used to do, but we fell apart again, crying again, sobbing about how much we missed her and wished we'd been able to have her. Of course, I understand we most likely wouldn't have been able to parent her together, and more likely than not he would've left me a single mother what with states between us, and while I won't say that I'm glad she isn't here, I will say that everything happens for a reason. It's been two years since she's been gone, and I'm proud to say I've grown, although I do miss her.

Now for today. TJ and I have experienced quite a few pregnancy scares, and while I'm not crazy enough to want to be pregnant, I can't help but have my mind explore the possibility. I'm also not crazy enough to try getting pregnant. By no means would I ever trick TJ into staying with me by getting pregnant, and I am not starving for love enough to bring an innocent life into this world for unconditional love. If I, at this or a closely clustered age, happen to become pregnant by chance, then I will deal with it as it comes, while taking into account all variables (no, abortion isn't an option for me).

However, some health aspects have recently come up in my life. My mother was married at 19 and could not become pregnant naturally; the causes are and were unknown. I'm her only child after seven IVF attempts. What if that's genetic? What if that's inheritable? What if I'm not able to have children naturally? What if I'm not able to have children at all? Then came her diagnoses of cervical cancer and issues with her uterus and ovarian cysts. It's hitting me double: I'm worried about my mom, and I'm worried about my future. And then came her thyroid issues. She has an auto-immune disease attacking her thyroid, to the extent that when it dies she'll have to orally take the hormones it produces. But that's not all. The issue with her thyroid is definitely inheritable, and I can be tested to see if I'm a carrier, but it can cause major issues for women trying to get pregnant, because it causes miscarriages.

Miscarriages. Even if I end up being able to get pregnant (which I'm still skeptical about), that means most of the babies won't be carried to term? That's not okay. Really not okay. I'm not a selfish human being. I was even considering, when I'm in a stable place when I'm older, on being a surrogate for people unable to have children, and this is the news I receive in return? How cruel can God be?

This leaves me wondering if I'm even able to be pregnant. And then there was Krystal, who I noticed my freshman year. She was 17 and in IB, and three months pregnant when the year started. I heard through the grapevine that she'd become pregnant on purpose as a result of the diagnosis of uterine cancer in her family, which in the next ten years would render her infertile. At the first part of that, I thought she was crazy, but upon hearing the rest of it, I started reconsidering. If you knew that one day in your youth, perhaps by the age of 25 or so, you would be unable to have children and you were able to have them now, even though you were young, wouldn't you do the same? I would. I understand education is important, and under normal circumstances all that logic would win, but I'm sorry if I knew today I'd be unable to have children in the future and had the option to have kids now I would. Family is all you have left at the end of the day, and personally my main goal in life is, besides helping people in counseling/surrogacy, to have a family.

I am scared beyond words of this uncertainty, and absolutely no one understands it. TJ wasn't there with Ryanna, and Graham isn't here now to fully understand it either, even though he would be the "better" person to turn to right now because of the past and only because of the past. I'll see how I can do on my own and with TJ, but otherwise I don't know what to do other than wait and beg my mom to have me tested for that damn gene.

Love,
Caitlyn

Two Months (To The Day!)

Way too long since I've been away, so I apologize to anyone who's reading, but I've just been really super busy. I have a job ($80/week), a bunch of homework, and a social life to balance. Sorry.

So, Rochester Summer Program. A-mazing. Definitely going back next summer for college credit! It also affirmed my desire to attend college at U of R, so it's my top school. The weather was beautiful, by the way, and it's just so...amazing there. And I feel like I have roots there, which is well-appreciated.

On July 14th (gasp), Graham and I talked a little, but not extensively. He only acknowledged the day after he requested advice for his love life (which was totally inconsiderate of me), and it was referenced as "happy anniversary of the day we met." I spent the rest of the day at Busch Gardens with TJ and Chelsi trying to forget how upset I was, but I thoroughly enjoyed my day regardless. Since then, Graham and I have somewhat reopened communication to the point where we do talk some; he's texted me on his own asking if we could be friends on Facebook, but I'm not ready. I honestly don't think I'll ever be ready. He was a big part of my life for a long time, and during that time we were very close; that's why I attempted suicide isn't it? Yes, I'm over him; yes, I've moved on. But I still have a hard time discussing and being aware of his life now, without me and with girls (the general origin of our break up still gets to me on occasion). I do like being open with him though, and being friends is as far as I ever want to go. [Note: this whole part was written at 7:14 PM. Creepy?]

Got to see Patrick Stump in concert last month, and I was standing literally at his feet. I have pictures on my Twitter and Tumblr of that night, and I intend to post the pictures I've edited for my IB art show. Also, I cannot wait to see him AND Panic! At The Disco in October. In fact, that whole weekend will be amazing: Howl-O-Scream on Thursday night, Homecoming Friday night, Disney (tentative) on Saturday, and the concert on Sunday.

School has been going very well thus far. Definitely better than last year. I've befriended Lizzy Mapes, who is Jimmy's ex a couple times over. We have art together (I sit with her and Chels at our table), and while she's aware that I've known Jimmy since middle school, I don't think she knows our history (nor do I intend to tell her). I use to hate her because of how infatuated Jimmy was with her, but as I got to know her I noticed how alike we were.

Speaking of Jimmy, I've figured him out: there's nothing there. We can be civil and communicate, but outside of that? Nothing. A couple days after my last post I posed a break of sorts on TJ so I had the freedom to think and express what I needed to (more specifically on him soon). While we did hang out on the 13th (he kissed me; I didn't return the "favor"), I couldn't help but get mixed messages from him, and so I set out to figure us out once and for all. For years I've been dragged around by my feelings for him, to the point where I lost someone near and dear to my heart and where I've hurt people I love. And that's not okay. I talked to him, asked the questions I've been waiting at least a year to ask, without dancing around the point. I was open and honest and direct, and that's what I got in return. He confirmed what I already knew, that there's always been something [physical] between us, but he then elaborated to say that there's no way we could go beyond that. It's what I needed to hear. When you've been in love with someone for quite awhile (I've loved Jimmy since...shit. Like, 7th grade?), when all you thought you wanted was this one person at multiple times at different intervals, and when you're finally with someone so much better and so much different and so much perfection, you need either some type of closure or some way of settling it so there's no unfinished business. Unfinished business with Jimmy ruined me and Graham, and I refuse to let it ruin me and TJ, or maybe me and someone else in the future. But it's done; I have closure. He doesn't want to be with me romantically. I'm proud to say that when he told me so, I did not cry and I wasn't sad. I was relieved.

Which brings me to TJ. I am so in love you all have no clue. It's not the "crazy obsessive IhavetobewithhimrightnoworI'lldie" love either. It's simple. It's sweet. It's mature. It's not powered by lust (though I won't deny that the sex and other sexual acts are great). It would have been a year with him a few days ago, and when we both realized this I regretted immediately breaking up with him last October. If me now could go back to me then...oh the things I would do different in my love life. But I can't go back. However, at 8 months in, I'm happier than I've been in a long time, and I know he's happy too. I feel alive with him, but that's not to say I don't feel alive without him. I feel complete with him, thought not to say that I don't feel complete away from him. He's an added bonus, an optional aspect of my life that I definitely am taking advantage of. As my family has noted, our relationship is healthy, and I agree fully. Who knows where we could go, but I don't see us ending any time soon. I have a hard enough time pinpointing what could end us (as in the dynamics of our relationship; I do have deal-breakers. And standards).

I realize that there's more to be said, but this was meant to be a summary. Details in the coming days on unmentioned topics.

Love,
Caitlyn

Halfway

When I started this blog, I didn't really know what purpose it was going to serve other than a "diary" for me to express myself with. But, as time went on, it molded into more of "memoir" of sorts, for high school.

All my life I've heard that high school shapes who you are as a person, that what happens here can make or break you. Every thing that occurs, both positive and negative attributes to what you do later on in life. It changes people, and while I've been reluctant to admit it, I can tell it's been changing me. Not so much being in high school itself but being of high-school age. Of being a teenager. Yes, I've followed an atypical life path for a girl my age, but there have been similarities: broken hearts, struggling friendships, the tug-of-war with drugs and alcohol (the "to do it or not to do it" debate; not hardcore either), sex, insecurities, mood swings. All of it.

I'll be a junior this year, which makes this blog half-over. When I'm done, though, it won't get deleted. It'll be here, either for me to reflect on or I'll make this entirely public so others can read it, too. It helps people, or at least me, when they're going through something difficult and then they read that people have been there and have made it out okay. It doesn't make the feelings stop, but it helps make everything a little brighter.

Halfway also means there's another half to go. Another two years of life to talk about and discuss, except the next two are going to be slightly different. Freshman and Sophomore year are/were the years of testing out the water, of establishing yourself in high school and seeing where you'd like to go afterwards. You're young, you don't really have responsibilities (except special cases). But then comes Junior year, where you take the SAT and ACT. You can start going to Prom and not just Homecoming. You [hopefully] have your license, and maybe you even own a car, and so now you're driving; it's a taste of freedom. You're thinking about college a little more seriously than before because you know in a year from summer vacation you'll be a high school graduate and a college freshman. In a blink of an eye, senior year is on you, and you have to start applying to college, and hopefully not just to one college. And while you're writing out all those applications, you still have to keep your grades up. You still have to be with your friends and stay close. You're still worried about love and about yourself. Senior Prom comes by, and that's how you know you're high school time is over. Just like that.

I've had my time to be "young," but now I need to kick things into high gear. Graham's long gone, Jimmy's graduating this year (which means I need to figure shit out and fast), and I'm with someone I love, that I get along amazingly with, someone I can picture a life with and who pictures one with me (no promises this time around though). I've been searching for jobs. I have my dream car and my license. My grades are decent but they could be better (something I need to focus on now. Especially now). I picked my Bachelor's major (Psychology) and two Master's programs (Education Counseling/Marriage and Family Therapy). I've narrowed down my colleges to three, basically: DePaul, Rochester, and Central Florida. I qualify for 2/3 but money is an issue with a couple of them (out of state). I'm seeing now what I should have seen before but didn't. This is what's important.

Knowing that's all important, though, won't stop me from getting distracted as far as emotions are concerned. But that's what this blog is here for.

Thanks for listening.

Love,
Caitlyn

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Of Late.

Got my license. Hell yes.

Family drama, so I'm babysitting my mom's cousin's toddler grandson. I love it. He's so full of energy, so unaware of the world falling apart around him. His Gigi comes home, in tears, wondering how she's going to make it with her daughter (his mom), her finances, herself. She and I talk all the time though, and I'm becoming wiser as I listen to all of these issues, so I won't make the same mistakes, and then learn the right thing to do.

TJ and I decided that, the summer after senior year, we'd like to spend about a month in Europe together, jockeying between Italy and France. We're saving now, as it's expensive, and when the time comes to plan we'll see what money's like. The plan is, though, one week in each city: Paris, Nice, Venice, and Rome. I'm beyond excited. Worst case, if we break up between now and then, there's money saved for whatever we may then want.

As of late, I regressed to the '08 me. The one who listens to [fucking amazing] music, the one who plays guitar [like a boss], the one who writes, the one who obsesses over celebrities, and the one who, well, cuts. I've been lower than usual, and with no way to explain it I can't fix it. I won't deny how good it feels afterwards, how for an instant I don't think about anything else, but it's hurting TJ because he thinks it means he isn't good enough. And that alone kills me, because he's all that's good in my life right now. He's the one making me smile every day, the one I look forward to talking to. Without him, I [probably] wouldn't be here. But I've made sure he knows what he does for me, regardless of if I think I deserve his kindness and perfection.

Not much else. I have double hickeys on my neck, one on each side. Not fading. My right upper thigh hurts when I move. I got into a Rochester summer program, class for the AM being Extended Essay Writing for IB and PM is Photography: How to Tell a Story. It's only for a week but that doesn't lower my excitement any.

Love,
Caitlyn

To Blair,

I only wish you could read this.

I hope you know if I were there, I'd be trying everything I could to be with Graham. I also hope you know I'm sorry if, he told you, I hurt you by pursuing him last winter when you two were together. In my defense, in my eyes, he was still mine and I had a chance. Also, I hope you know that you two won't last when he goes off to school; in case you haven't noticed, he's bad with distance (wasn't before, but now is a different story).

I don't know why you hate me, why you think I'm "psycho," but I don't judge you. I don't hate you or dislike you; I don't know you, thus it's unfair to make perceptions about you. When I texted a girl Graham cheated on me with, I was respectful because I didn't know her, and so you have no grounds on which to hate me. I wish you'd find the place inside yourself to stop hating me, as, again, you don't know me. Off of that, I hope you equally find it in yourself, when you stop disliking me, to allow Graham to talk to me if he wants to. Controlling a boy, especially him, won't get you anywhere.

Also, some hints (whether or not you need/want them). Love his family and appreciate them. They are perfect, especially his mom. Don't control Graham, don't break promises you made to him, don't lie to him. Most important of all is don't hurt him, regardless of how much the hurt is or the reason why or what exactly caused the hurt in the first place. No matter what, he doesn't deserve it. He is an amazing, well-rounded guy, a guy any girl would be lucky to have. I was incredibly lucky to have him for two years, and I was a fool for letting myself fuck it up over and over again. Never take him for granted, because he could have anybody at the drop of a hat but he chose you.

---Caitlyn (or Luna, depending on who you feel better knowing me as)

Dearest Graham,

You know our story. I don't need to waste time or space in this "letter" telling it to you. You know how I felt, you know the good and bad times, you know me. And I know you.

I'll start by saying how sorry I am for the things I did. For cheating on you, for controlling you, for not trusting you, for every terrible thing I did to you, especially when you didn't do anything to deserve it. But, in credit to me, you know as well as I do that if the distance never existed, those problems would NEVER have existed either. And we'd still be together. Too many ifs, if you want to look at it that way, but I know the truth.

I wish I were okay with talking to you, with being friends, but I never will be. Those feelings will always be there, whether prominent or not, and I don't feel like hurting myself all over again. But I do want there to be open communication, of feeling okay enough with either of us just being able to talk to each other whenever we felt like. You were special to me, and there will always be a place for you in my heart, regardless if there's a place for me in yours.

It hurts you consider me just another ex, that you'd avoid me if I had gone to TIP this final summer. We enjoyed plenty of firsts together, we were closer than we'd ever been to anyone else, and for you to write me off like you have is...a plethora of negative adjectives/nouns.

As much as I hate to say it, I want to hear from you July 14th. I want to know if you're thinking about me, especially on that day. It would've been three years together, and it would've been hard to top the past two years in "gifts." It'd be worse for me emotionally if I didn't hear from you and therefore believe you didn't even remember me. Then again, if you honestly don't remember me on that day, then I guess it's for the best we've both moved on. However, considering you remembered my birthday, I find it unlikely for you to forget 7/14.

My mom, for whatever reason, has stockpiled my things of you in her room, including your boxers, and I've been debating sending them back. Probably will, but who knows. I might commence to do the planned burning instead.

I hope you talk to me, out of your own free will if you want to, but I understand if you don't talk to me because you aren't comfortable.

Sincerely,
Luna

Hey darlin',

Our story has been...crazy, to say the least. We've gone back and forth from friends to lovers more times than I can count, but every time was fun.

It's something I can count on with you, that you're fun. Exciting and enticing. And I enjoy being around you. I've been able to watch you grow and mature, watch you learn to love and care about someone, which is something I'm not taking for granted. You've helped me through the worst times of my life, and I'm eternally grateful for that. As a friend, you were more than I ever could have hoped for, and I only hope I've been as decent with you as you've been with me.

Through the years, and I like to believe you know this, I've been in love with you. It fluctuated as to the amount, but it was always there. It still is there. Last summer, when we were sexting, I was crazy about you, and it felt as though you reciprocated those feelings. When you told me how much you cared about me, how good you thought I looked, how much you'd wanted to be with me (and how much you disliked Graham for stealing me from you), and how much you wanted there to have been no Graham or Monika, it only intensified what I'd been feeling since the previous winter. And then, when in a matter of months neither of them were in our lives anymore, you told me that I was more of a sister to you; that hurt, more than you know. I cried. But, when this past spring came, it felt...right to be with you, despite knowing I was hurting someone I loved.

I don't know why I'm drawn to you, though I wish I did, but I do know that I need to learn to control it. Being with you, despite how perfect it feels for me (I won't speak for you), hurts people I love. And I hate that. I wish I were single at times like these, so that I could sort out my feelings for you on my own without worrying about other people, but I don't have that luxury anymore. I also can't not have you in my life, because you're a crucial piece to who I am. And now, with you leaving in a year from now for college, I don't know what I'll do, but I'm choosing to focus on now and not next year.

I wish you could read this, that I had the balls to text you and tell you what I've written. But I won't, at least not tonight. Maybe one day.

---Cait

"Lying on His Back in Her Bed"

Something I wrote a couple days ago. It's been a work-in-progress for months but it's finally finished.


"There’s just something about him,
Something that she can’t leave behind.
Could it be his scarlet hair, his sky blue eyes,
Or the witty way he lied?

She always assumed he was a mistake,
Someone she could leave or take,
But soon she saw that he was more,
And she could feel him to her core.

'Hey darlin’, did you know?
I’ve never wanted you to go.
I need you here tonight,
Oh please never leave my side.'

He’d always been pleased with where they were,
No strings attached, he lived the dream.
But he’d gaze into her eyes, feel her hair,
And he knew things weren’t what they seemed.

Their story was unique,
The chance of an ending looking bleak.
They’d each fallen head-over-heels,
But she didn’t know how he feels.

'Hey darlin’, did you know?
I’ve never wanted you to go.
I need you here tonight,
Oh please never leave my side.'

For the night, her parents left her home alone
So he came over, and they made each other moan.
After, they knew what should be said,
And so, lying on his back in her bed,
He told her in the sweetest tone:

'Hey darlin’, did you know?
I’ve never wanted you to go.
I need you here tonight,
Oh please never leave my side.'

Darlin’, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Whao-oh-oh-oh-oh
(x2)"

Just a couple pictures...

[Bitter]Sweet Sixteen

So much has been happening. And tomorrow is my sixteenth birthday.

Mom surprised me one random afternoon when Chels and TJ were over with my car. A 2007 Honda Civic. I named it Trick, after Patrick Stump (of course).

My mom found out I had sex a few weeks back, but since then she's mostly gotten over it. As have TJ's parents (which I fully expected). To prove my mother's having gotten over it, she consented to TJ and me going to the beach at Fred Howard for our five month anniversary. It was a perfect night, and while we promised no sex to my parents, we had to...improvise. Just as amazing as going all the way, but I won't go to saying sex is overrated.

With my birthday fast approaching, and my best friend and boyfriend planning what is appearing to be a huge surprise for this birthday, I can't help but think about Graham and last year. How he came to my family/friend birthday parties, how he came to recital. But that's long gone. I hope for this birthday, a huge milestone in my life, I can start fresh, even though I know I won't be able to until after July 14th of this summer (on which, TJ lovingly agreed to spend literally the entire day with me). I don't want to hear from Graham again. I don't. Not on my birthday, not on July 14th. Not unless 110% serious about me (and I know he never will be). A part of me would like to know if he'll think about me on those days, though. Only time will tell what happens. Besides, I love TJ, I really do, and he doesn't deserve half of a girlfriend.

Past two days, I've baked, all from scratch. Yesterday was homemade double chocolate brownies, and today was homemade moist yellow cake cupcakes. It feels really, really good to be back in the kitchen. Tomorrow though, I'm applying to jobs in my area, seeing that sixteen seems to be the magic age to apply. I'm also in Driver's Ed, and I'll be taking my road test for my license there so that next Saturday I can just walk in and get my license. It's pretty amazing. Also, I've been asked to attend and applied to a Pre-College program at the University of Rochester this summer, which happens to be one of the universities on my list. If I'm accepted, I'd be going to Rochester for a week of two classes, first picks being my AM to learn how to write my EE for IB and my PM class to learn about the art of photography.

My dance recital is this Saturday, and I'm ecstatic. TJ's coming, out of his own desire and not my pushing, which really warms my heart. He's exactly what I need, exactly what I want, and I can only hope that I'll be able to keep him around. It's been a long road since he found out that I cheated on him, but he seems to have completely forgiven me all on his own. And that's something I can't be thankful for enough. I learned from the last time, and this is never going to happen again.

Whilst watching (500) Days of Summer with Chels last week, she explained to me why Summer married another guy after explaining to the main male character that she didn't like relationships: "This guy was the guy that taught her that she wanted to be in a relationship and that she wanted to love. He just wasn't the right guy for her." That changed my outlook. Maybe Graham was the guy to teach me about love and the dynamics of a relationship, just like maybe I was the girl to teach him all that. And maybe we weren't meant to be together forever like we thought, but we were meant to have a part in each other's lives for a time, at least. Who knows what the future will hold, but I know for now, I want to be with TJ.

Despite the happiness in my life, I can't help the periods of depression. Depression so deep, I'm not myself. I worry that after dance, when I don't have to hide my skin anymore, that I'll start cutting again. I haven't cut in roughly seven months, but I feel the urges; they're stronger than ever. And who knows where that'll go. I tend to be unpredictable when it comes to this.

Time to go, I guess. I have pictures of Trick, of me, and of TJ and me on my Twitter.

Love,
Caitlyn

Told you I'd finish one tonight...

Here's "July 14th":

You couldn't have told me so,
Couldn't have said you’d be my direction.
No one said, when we met, you’d make me fall in love,
And steal my affection.

Just like that, at the drop of a hat,
We were head over heels.

And all, I wanted was you,
And I thought, our love must be true,
So we decided to take the leap,
Because our feelings were just too deep.
I only wish I knew the truth.

No one could have told me so,
Couldn't have said you’d leave me utterly broken.
No one said, when you left, that I’d cry, attempt to die,
And that my life would overall darken.

Just like that, I became a goddamn doormat,
And I wonder: will I ever heal?

But all, I wanted was you,
And I still thought, our love must be true.
In the end you decided to leave,
And caused me to more than gently weep.
I only wish that I had known the truth.

I think that you can’t hurt me,
More drinks would make me lonely,
But I’m on the brink of being more than tipsy,
And I wish you’d just call me sweetie,
Because drunkenly I see…

That all, I want is you,
And I know, our love had to have been true.
To this day we have a chance in which I believe,
And who knows what promises I’ll keep.
If only I could tell you the truth.

Love,
Caitlyn

Honesty is the Best Policy!

Something I've realized about myself: even though I'm honest to everyone, I tend to sugarcoat certain aspects to avoid conflict and drama. But in this mindset, I'm hardly in the mood to protect others, and while my sleepover last night with Chelsi was extremely beneficial I still need to let things out and see where they lead my life. Because keeping secrets is no way to live. If I died tomorrow, I wouldn't want to go knowing I was keeping things from the people around me.

TJ and I, up until probably about a couple weeks or so ago, were fighting constantly. We weren't happy and we weren't good by any means. It wasn't because of anything between the two of us; I just didn't care for the ways his mother acted in front of me. While this was fixed by me seeing her without her family around (I ended up liking her quite alot), I made a mistake while TJ and I were fighting. The outlet? Jimmy. He and I had begun talking more than usual and, as I tend to do, I confided everything in him. As it turns out, he wasn't as happy either. We decided on a "rush" to go through for a few days (which never actually ended up occurring) that would consist of sexual acts.

The weekend before the planned "rush" we had an additional opportunity, seeing as TJ was busy and my house was empty. Jimmy drove over for what was intended to be a massage from him working late the night prior, and the back massage did happen. But then it progressed. Not beyond making out, but nonetheless was further than anything should have gone. If I had known TJ and I would've been better, I wouldn't have done anything. And I should know by now that Jimmy is always bad news. I regret what I did, but that doesn't make it go away. TJ has yet to know, and unless he reads this he won't find out.

After my mind being essentially fixated on Graham for a multitude of reasons, and after a dream where we hugged following him surprising me at my house (which felt so right, I'll admit), I texted him this morning. Following the initial text we had a conversation, and I'd be lying if I didn't say I enjoyed it. Talking to him was pleasant, sweet, and just plain nice. Really nice. It gives me hope that we can be friends, which is honestly all I want in the world right now. But he isn't ready to be friends, and his girlfriend doesn't like me (which I find ironic. I don't know her, I don't judge her, I don't hate her. My opinion is that she should get to know me before she passes a judgement like that but whatever.), so us being friends again, let alone plain talking, isn't going to happen for awhile. I hate that so much.

He hurt me. He shattered me. He broke my heart. And I'm ready to be friends and I'm ready to talk, but he isn't? I don't understand why, but I'm not pushing him. I can't and I won't. I got my answers (he cares about me and ultimately misses me), and if that's all I get for awhile, or maybe ever, I guess I can live with that.

Here comes my biggest truth, something I didn't even fully admit to Chelsi last night:

I love TJ, and he's just what I needed after Graham. I can even see a future with him, and I could even want a future with him. But it wouldn't be right to go through with that when I know with all of my heart that a significant portion of my heart and soul still belongs to the future I'd planned with Graham. I know, and Graham knows, that everything that went wrong was a result of the distance. If we can be friends over the next few years (in order to fix the brokenness we both have from our prior relationship) or however long until distance is no longer a factor (which even being friends and never advancing would be just fine with me), I know we'd work, or at least we'd have to try. If we don't, I'm confident that I'd likely not be able to fully commit to anyone else. Not even TJ. For today, for this time in my life, I am content with being TJ's girlfriend and have no intentions on being with Graham (nor do I want to be with him now), but for the future life I know that I'd want to be with Graham until we figured out if we work in real life. After that, who knows.

I don't know where my life will go or how long I have in this life, but I intend on living it to the fullest wherever possible and where it's available to me. This post, and people I know reading it, could potentially have consequences (being single, losing Graham forever), but if any of that happens I'm sure it'd be for the best.

Love,
Caitlyn

Creativity.

I've been writing frequently, mostly song lyrics and poetry. One song I finished I titled "Luna." Here are the words:

The girl you knew is gone, and you’re left
Wondering what you did wrong.
Oh, it can’t be blamed on any one thing,
But she is gone.

She only wanted white doves, and she
Craved the feeling of your love.
Oh, she just wanted to hear the wedding bells ring,
And fly like the doves.

Well, you were her world,
Her life and her everything,
But soon your eyes were on another girl,
And then your past had,
No clue, how to,
Move on,
She’s just gone.

Nostalgia had no place in her mind, and she knew
The one thing that could cure her shattered heart was time.
Oh, today she chooses “silence” over “sing,”
And there goes her mind.

Well, you were her world,
Her life and her everything,
But now your hands are on another girl,
So she’s been trying,
Fighting, dying,
To move on,
But she’s gone.

You can’t blame her,
She thought you wanted her,
But you ran away instead,
And you left her for dead.

Well you were her world,
Her life and her everything,
And if you decide to dump the other girl,
You’ll be shocked to see,
Her epiphany, and that
She’s moved on.
Yeah she’s gone.


I have two more in the works right now: "July 14" and "Lying on His Back in Her Bed." I'm planning on finishing at least one tonight.

Love,
Caitlyn