UNC

As far as the college visit went, that aspect of the trip was okay. Definitely not my top, but I could accept it. The weather, although cold, was beautiful. The autumn leaves were the most gorgeous things I've seen in a long time. But I didn't see Graham.

I texted him at 11:11 on 11/11 "I'm here in North Carolina until Sunday. It would be nice to see you." I received zero response. I waited until 7:14 of the same night to call, where I left a voicemail essentially saying the same things. No response to that either. The following morning I unblocked him on Facebook to message him, and I said everything I had been keeping from him for the last ten or so months.

"Hey Graham,

I'm up and getting ready for my UNC visit. Never been here this time of year before and you were right: it's absolutely beautiful. I've never seen trees such vibrant colors, and I didn't believe it until I actually saw it with my own two eyes. Despite this all being new and about experiencing a probable option for college, I find myself thinking about the past, about Duke TIP, about your family, and about seeing you.

I still love you, Graham Benson. I still care about you. I never stopped. Even when you told me about Blair and I shoved TJ in your face, which I realize now I should never have done and I am so sorry for that, I still loved you. I made so many mistakes with us and even though you did too, I know now that it was because I started it.

I understand the reasons that you might not see me this weekend, and those reasons are admirable, but if I don't see you I will be leaving with a heavy heart. There's so much I want to say to you in person, and I only pray I get the chance to do so.

I'm on the hotel computers and don't have on-going access to Facebook, so please call me on my cell phone."

He didn't respond but his girlfriend did. Essentially, she told me I cause problems in their relationship and I need to accept our break up. I said I just wanted to see him once and then I will leave them be, and then assured her after she seemed worried I'd try to take him from her that I just want him happy and do not want to steal him. She told me that he doesn't want to see me or contact me and that he's happy. I wished them the best. Haven't heard anything since.

I'm quite finished at this point. I don't care that I know the truth. The real truth. I don't care about the future and possibilities and whatnot. He has burned his bridge with me. I put myself out there 110% and received zero effort in return. I have to put him completely behind me, if not for myself then for the absolutely amazing and perfect boyfriend I do have.

If Graham and I had seen each other I know what would've happened. We would've hugged for a long time first. Then we would've eaten something, been both friendly and flirty way too much than we'd have cared to admit. At the end we would've hugged again, and somewhere in there would've been a kiss. Not a "I miss you let's get back together" kiss but more "I miss you and I'm so sorry for fucking everything up and maybe one day but who knows" kiss.

I miss aspects of what we had but I have so much better in TJ. He's what I need and want, at least for high school, but I have a feeling we could go longer than that. I love him, truly and fully, and he deserves a girlfriend who can give her whole heart to him instead of just giving only what she has to give. But I'm getting better. I'm slowly mending those broken pieces and giving him them in chunks, one bit at a time. Eventually he will have all of it, and if not than the most and best parts of it.

I wish I could stay home and write today since all my homework from the weekend is done. Hm. Does God love me enough to do that?

This past weekend was not what I wanted it to be, but it definitely was what I needed it to be.

Love,
Caitlyn