A recurring theme in the past 3 years or so of my life has been motherhood, whether I was intent on becoming a teen mom or just acknowledging that I want to be a mother some day. And with some recently discovered genetic issues, my maternal senses have once again floored to the forefront of my mind.
For those of you who don't know, or never read Graham's posting (prior to him deleting his blog) about it, back in 2009 I miscarried a [suspected] pregnancy, to which he and I were most depressed about; I'd even go as far to say that it's where our problems sprang from. We, or at least I, felt it would have been a girl, and so we used our intended first-born girl name to reference her: Ryanna. Losing her affected us deeply: we cried for weeks, we were delirious. We didn't know what to do with ourselves. We were heartbroken. In the following year, we begun to heal and live our lives, even on what would have been Ry's date of birth, but then on the anniversary of losing her, all of that progress went to hell. We were on the phone (in fact, it was the last meaningful conversation we had prior to our break up) and I brought it up, just talking about her like we used to do, but we fell apart again, crying again, sobbing about how much we missed her and wished we'd been able to have her. Of course, I understand we most likely wouldn't have been able to parent her together, and more likely than not he would've left me a single mother what with states between us, and while I won't say that I'm glad she isn't here, I will say that everything happens for a reason. It's been two years since she's been gone, and I'm proud to say I've grown, although I do miss her.
Now for today. TJ and I have experienced quite a few pregnancy scares, and while I'm not crazy enough to want to be pregnant, I can't help but have my mind explore the possibility. I'm also not crazy enough to try getting pregnant. By no means would I ever trick TJ into staying with me by getting pregnant, and I am not starving for love enough to bring an innocent life into this world for unconditional love. If I, at this or a closely clustered age, happen to become pregnant by chance, then I will deal with it as it comes, while taking into account all variables (no, abortion isn't an option for me).
However, some health aspects have recently come up in my life. My mother was married at 19 and could not become pregnant naturally; the causes are and were unknown. I'm her only child after seven IVF attempts. What if that's genetic? What if that's inheritable? What if I'm not able to have children naturally? What if I'm not able to have children at all? Then came her diagnoses of cervical cancer and issues with her uterus and ovarian cysts. It's hitting me double: I'm worried about my mom, and I'm worried about my future. And then came her thyroid issues. She has an auto-immune disease attacking her thyroid, to the extent that when it dies she'll have to orally take the hormones it produces. But that's not all. The issue with her thyroid is definitely inheritable, and I can be tested to see if I'm a carrier, but it can cause major issues for women trying to get pregnant, because it causes miscarriages.
Miscarriages. Even if I end up being able to get pregnant (which I'm still skeptical about), that means most of the babies won't be carried to term? That's not okay. Really not okay. I'm not a selfish human being. I was even considering, when I'm in a stable place when I'm older, on being a surrogate for people unable to have children, and this is the news I receive in return? How cruel can God be?
This leaves me wondering if I'm even able to be pregnant. And then there was Krystal, who I noticed my freshman year. She was 17 and in IB, and three months pregnant when the year started. I heard through the grapevine that she'd become pregnant on purpose as a result of the diagnosis of uterine cancer in her family, which in the next ten years would render her infertile. At the first part of that, I thought she was crazy, but upon hearing the rest of it, I started reconsidering. If you knew that one day in your youth, perhaps by the age of 25 or so, you would be unable to have children and you were able to have them now, even though you were young, wouldn't you do the same? I would. I understand education is important, and under normal circumstances all that logic would win, but I'm sorry if I knew today I'd be unable to have children in the future and had the option to have kids now I would. Family is all you have left at the end of the day, and personally my main goal in life is, besides helping people in counseling/surrogacy, to have a family.
I am scared beyond words of this uncertainty, and absolutely no one understands it. TJ wasn't there with Ryanna, and Graham isn't here now to fully understand it either, even though he would be the "better" person to turn to right now because of the past and only because of the past. I'll see how I can do on my own and with TJ, but otherwise I don't know what to do other than wait and beg my mom to have me tested for that damn gene.
Love,
Caitlyn
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