I can't.

I can't pretend anymore.

I don't know if what I feel about life is a phase or not, but I do know that I have lost all motivation or appreciation.

I'm tired of not living my life. Like in my last post. I haven't read a book for pleasure in over a year. I haven't picked up my favorite guitar let alone cleaned it in months. I haven't learned a new song in a longer time than that. I have zero passion for anything except TJ right now. And that's saying a lot. Not to say he isn't worth my passion, because he definitely is.

I used to write fan fiction. Hell I used to live fan fiction. I'd follow stories and if my favorites weren't updated I'd find a new one and read for hours. Get ideas for my own stories and let it go. And let's not mention my non-fan fiction stuff. Haven't written that in awhile either. The last poem or song I wrote? At least three months ago. Or rather, that was the last time I didn't write one for school. I can't remember the last time I did something not for school.

I'm so worn out most of the time I can't make myself do things for me. I have time for dance, babysitting, homework, and school-related activities. I have time for my favorite TV shows (thank the fucking Lord), I have time for Sims, but I not only don't have time for anything else but I also have no energy or willpower to do it. I have intense writer's block. I can't get into my favorite books or series. I hardly log onto a computer (thought that's in part because of my iPod).

I want to leave IB so so so badly. I'd still get into college. I'd still get the life I want. And if I left I'd be happier. More care free. I'd have time to clean and do housework and be with my family. And I'd be able to do everything else I like doing. I'm terrified that if I wait too much longer I'll want to do more than just leave IB.

Like I said depression runs in my family. Maybe I wait it out and see. Then check with my mom. Right now all that's keeping me alive, or at least from planning out my demise, is TJ, Hannah, Patrick [Stump and his music], and my future family. Without any of that I'm done for.

Love,
Caitlyn