Flash Forward?

For the past month, a few events have transpired.

School's pretty alright. I have 3 C's (2 are borderline B's), 2 B's, and an A, and the best part is that I'm actually getting the material. I finally feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be. Guess it's good the whole Dual Enrollment thing never went through right?

TJ is just...amazing. Enough said. Today is our nine-month, and I'm so glad to have him in my life.

So I've been talking to Graham a bit, or rather I was. I felt as though our relationship (by which I mean friendship) was finally healing and getting to a good, progressive place. He even requested to be friends on Facebook via text (he's blocked). After not texting for a bit, he, out of the clear blue sky at 7:14 PM (the time was special while we were together) said "Hey, I visited the spot where I proposed to you today and I thought I should let you know." No, I did not change one word in that quote. No, I did not mix it up at all. That's what I got, that's what I had to work with. I asked my friends and my mom and I received mix results: Chelsi said he still had feelings for me, Marni said the past should stay in the past, and my mom agreed with Chelsi. Her reasoning was that a) he had had time to think about it (not like it had just happened; it had gone on earlier in the day) and b) he said VISIT. Not passed, not saw. Visited, "like you visited a grave site," she said. When I finally replied later that night, we joked about things and whatnot and then it ended when I fell asleep.

In the days that followed, my mind was on overload about Graham and that text message. I wondered if he thought that way all the time, I wondered what he was actually thinking about at that moment. I was curious about quite a few things, and among them a constantly recurring thought in my mind: what would happen if we ever saw each other again?

I ran this by my mom, who was more than supportive of the idea. She's friended him on Facebook (which I found really, really weird), and they've actually talked; I even suspect she likes him more than TJ. And so, when I got the OK from her, I asked Graham "if I were to come to Raleigh for a college visit, would you want us to see each other"? He replied "actually, yes, I think it would be good for closure." We arranged weekends that would be good for the both of us to meet up, which I then ran by my mom. I was getting excited about seeing him, because I want to put behind me any question about my feelings for him. Also, I want to be open with him, even friends (which I thought we were already becoming), which would mean that I want to talk about our love lives with each other, but I can't. I'm not over what he did, I'm not over him being with someone else, but I want to be.

So last Friday, I set up a college visit at UNC (it's a good school that's on my college list anyway) for a weekend that worked with us, and since he'd told me to keep him updated on the date, I did so. He responds with "actually, it's causing a lot of drama and I don't think it's a good idea." Over the next five hours, it ranged from that, to his girlfriend texting me and telling me to "leave him the fuck alone" (quite a charmer, isn't she?), to in the end Graham telling me we could never be friends because I cheated on him two years ago (see "Him" part 2). I responded, because I was incredibly upset, that he was never going to hear from me or about me ever again. He didn't respond.

I wish I could take my response back, but I can't. I haven't heard from him since that night, not that I expected to, but I wish I did so I could be totally honest. I haven't eaten a substantial anything since Friday at lunch. I've cried myself sick two nights in a row. I haven't been able to do homework. I had to have TJ by my side for the past two days. It wasn't a good situation.

I decided sometime either yesterday or this morning to write a subsequent post about this here to get it all out, once and for all. It will be written in second-person, to Graham, and then I will send him the link. Better than a million texts right? I won't send it for awhile, so that we both have time to cool off, but I think I should write it sooner rather than later. I will be heart-breakingly honest, because it's about time I've been honest about him, to his face. I'm not scared of what could happen, because I have nothing left to lose as far as he's concerned.

The UNC visit is still on, for Veteran's Day weekend. I can only hope we can actually see each other, because in my opinion we both need it.

I best go before I get too emotional.

Love,
Caitlyn