Way too long since I've been away, so I apologize to anyone who's reading, but I've just been really super busy. I have a job ($80/week), a bunch of homework, and a social life to balance. Sorry.
So, Rochester Summer Program. A-mazing. Definitely going back next summer for college credit! It also affirmed my desire to attend college at U of R, so it's my top school. The weather was beautiful, by the way, and it's just so...amazing there. And I feel like I have roots there, which is well-appreciated.
On July 14th (gasp), Graham and I talked a little, but not extensively. He only acknowledged the day after he requested advice for his love life (which was totally inconsiderate of me), and it was referenced as "happy anniversary of the day we met." I spent the rest of the day at Busch Gardens with TJ and Chelsi trying to forget how upset I was, but I thoroughly enjoyed my day regardless. Since then, Graham and I have somewhat reopened communication to the point where we do talk some; he's texted me on his own asking if we could be friends on Facebook, but I'm not ready. I honestly don't think I'll ever be ready. He was a big part of my life for a long time, and during that time we were very close; that's why I attempted suicide isn't it? Yes, I'm over him; yes, I've moved on. But I still have a hard time discussing and being aware of his life now, without me and with girls (the general origin of our break up still gets to me on occasion). I do like being open with him though, and being friends is as far as I ever want to go. [Note: this whole part was written at 7:14 PM. Creepy?]
Got to see Patrick Stump in concert last month, and I was standing literally at his feet. I have pictures on my Twitter and Tumblr of that night, and I intend to post the pictures I've edited for my IB art show. Also, I cannot wait to see him AND Panic! At The Disco in October. In fact, that whole weekend will be amazing: Howl-O-Scream on Thursday night, Homecoming Friday night, Disney (tentative) on Saturday, and the concert on Sunday.
School has been going very well thus far. Definitely better than last year. I've befriended Lizzy Mapes, who is Jimmy's ex a couple times over. We have art together (I sit with her and Chels at our table), and while she's aware that I've known Jimmy since middle school, I don't think she knows our history (nor do I intend to tell her). I use to hate her because of how infatuated Jimmy was with her, but as I got to know her I noticed how alike we were.
Speaking of Jimmy, I've figured him out: there's nothing there. We can be civil and communicate, but outside of that? Nothing. A couple days after my last post I posed a break of sorts on TJ so I had the freedom to think and express what I needed to (more specifically on him soon). While we did hang out on the 13th (he kissed me; I didn't return the "favor"), I couldn't help but get mixed messages from him, and so I set out to figure us out once and for all. For years I've been dragged around by my feelings for him, to the point where I lost someone near and dear to my heart and where I've hurt people I love. And that's not okay. I talked to him, asked the questions I've been waiting at least a year to ask, without dancing around the point. I was open and honest and direct, and that's what I got in return. He confirmed what I already knew, that there's always been something [physical] between us, but he then elaborated to say that there's no way we could go beyond that. It's what I needed to hear. When you've been in love with someone for quite awhile (I've loved Jimmy since...shit. Like, 7th grade?), when all you thought you wanted was this one person at multiple times at different intervals, and when you're finally with someone so much better and so much different and so much perfection, you need either some type of closure or some way of settling it so there's no unfinished business. Unfinished business with Jimmy ruined me and Graham, and I refuse to let it ruin me and TJ, or maybe me and someone else in the future. But it's done; I have closure. He doesn't want to be with me romantically. I'm proud to say that when he told me so, I did not cry and I wasn't sad. I was relieved.
Which brings me to TJ. I am so in love you all have no clue. It's not the "crazy obsessive IhavetobewithhimrightnoworI'lldie" love either. It's simple. It's sweet. It's mature. It's not powered by lust (though I won't deny that the sex and other sexual acts are great). It would have been a year with him a few days ago, and when we both realized this I regretted immediately breaking up with him last October. If me now could go back to me then...oh the things I would do different in my love life. But I can't go back. However, at 8 months in, I'm happier than I've been in a long time, and I know he's happy too. I feel alive with him, but that's not to say I don't feel alive without him. I feel complete with him, thought not to say that I don't feel complete away from him. He's an added bonus, an optional aspect of my life that I definitely am taking advantage of. As my family has noted, our relationship is healthy, and I agree fully. Who knows where we could go, but I don't see us ending any time soon. I have a hard enough time pinpointing what could end us (as in the dynamics of our relationship; I do have deal-breakers. And standards).
I realize that there's more to be said, but this was meant to be a summary. Details in the coming days on unmentioned topics.
Love,
Caitlyn
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