Indifference and The Sims

I used to love school. The very idea of learning and knowledge would be enough to get me out of bed in the morning. I would attend school with 101 fevers just so I wouldn't miss anything. School was the most important thing.

Now, I hate school. While I still enjoy the academic environment, I loathe getting up before the sun or before 7. I take mental health days. While I know school is important for college, I could definitely care less about it.

Why am I this way? What happened to me? How can I get that drive back? Right now, I'd be perfectly content with going to Dual Enrollment or getting my GED and going for my AA. Everything would be easy and I wouldn't have to wake to before 7. I'd have time for art, for music. I haven't touched my guitars in months. I haven't read a book for pleasure in a year. I'm slowly losing myself, and as a result my sanity, and I hate it.

So even though I have a million things to do, I play The Sims. I customize my characters. I play so that I can see my life years from now and forget all this nonsense. I enjoy escaping into that world where everything is perfect.

No idea what to do other than that though. I'm afraid to get too involved in anything for fear of having to leave it for school work.

I used to sing. Not because I thought I was awesome at it but because I was so happy I had to sing: just turn on my favorite music and let me have my way with it. And now I hate singing because I fear other people will judge me and listen.

My genetics predispose me to a multitude of depressions. I think they've caught up with me. Besides the whole Graham-induced suicide thing, I'm not toying with it much, but I'm at the point where death doesn't seem like such a bad thing.

It's Saturday, 5:22 AM. I fell asleep at around 11:30 last night and I'm wide awake. A whole shitload of work faces me for the remaining weekend but I'm staying positive. I'm up to play The Sims for awhile and then get busy.

Love,
Caitlyn