[Bitter]Sweet Sixteen

So much has been happening. And tomorrow is my sixteenth birthday.

Mom surprised me one random afternoon when Chels and TJ were over with my car. A 2007 Honda Civic. I named it Trick, after Patrick Stump (of course).

My mom found out I had sex a few weeks back, but since then she's mostly gotten over it. As have TJ's parents (which I fully expected). To prove my mother's having gotten over it, she consented to TJ and me going to the beach at Fred Howard for our five month anniversary. It was a perfect night, and while we promised no sex to my parents, we had to...improvise. Just as amazing as going all the way, but I won't go to saying sex is overrated.

With my birthday fast approaching, and my best friend and boyfriend planning what is appearing to be a huge surprise for this birthday, I can't help but think about Graham and last year. How he came to my family/friend birthday parties, how he came to recital. But that's long gone. I hope for this birthday, a huge milestone in my life, I can start fresh, even though I know I won't be able to until after July 14th of this summer (on which, TJ lovingly agreed to spend literally the entire day with me). I don't want to hear from Graham again. I don't. Not on my birthday, not on July 14th. Not unless 110% serious about me (and I know he never will be). A part of me would like to know if he'll think about me on those days, though. Only time will tell what happens. Besides, I love TJ, I really do, and he doesn't deserve half of a girlfriend.

Past two days, I've baked, all from scratch. Yesterday was homemade double chocolate brownies, and today was homemade moist yellow cake cupcakes. It feels really, really good to be back in the kitchen. Tomorrow though, I'm applying to jobs in my area, seeing that sixteen seems to be the magic age to apply. I'm also in Driver's Ed, and I'll be taking my road test for my license there so that next Saturday I can just walk in and get my license. It's pretty amazing. Also, I've been asked to attend and applied to a Pre-College program at the University of Rochester this summer, which happens to be one of the universities on my list. If I'm accepted, I'd be going to Rochester for a week of two classes, first picks being my AM to learn how to write my EE for IB and my PM class to learn about the art of photography.

My dance recital is this Saturday, and I'm ecstatic. TJ's coming, out of his own desire and not my pushing, which really warms my heart. He's exactly what I need, exactly what I want, and I can only hope that I'll be able to keep him around. It's been a long road since he found out that I cheated on him, but he seems to have completely forgiven me all on his own. And that's something I can't be thankful for enough. I learned from the last time, and this is never going to happen again.

Whilst watching (500) Days of Summer with Chels last week, she explained to me why Summer married another guy after explaining to the main male character that she didn't like relationships: "This guy was the guy that taught her that she wanted to be in a relationship and that she wanted to love. He just wasn't the right guy for her." That changed my outlook. Maybe Graham was the guy to teach me about love and the dynamics of a relationship, just like maybe I was the girl to teach him all that. And maybe we weren't meant to be together forever like we thought, but we were meant to have a part in each other's lives for a time, at least. Who knows what the future will hold, but I know for now, I want to be with TJ.

Despite the happiness in my life, I can't help the periods of depression. Depression so deep, I'm not myself. I worry that after dance, when I don't have to hide my skin anymore, that I'll start cutting again. I haven't cut in roughly seven months, but I feel the urges; they're stronger than ever. And who knows where that'll go. I tend to be unpredictable when it comes to this.

Time to go, I guess. I have pictures of Trick, of me, and of TJ and me on my Twitter.

Love,
Caitlyn