Back. Again.

It's been a year since I sent that really long Skype thing to Graham, basically refusing to be thrown around and giving him an ultimatum that definitely didn't work in my favor.

It's just sad. Here I am, trying to enjoy the holidays after a year without him, and shit like that comes and ruins it. I know I'm supposed to be strong and I'm supposed to be able to forget it all and I should be completely and utterly happy and this shouldn't bother me. But I'm sorry. I can help it.

For a long time I thought he was my "One." For a long time I thought we were going to have a future together and we were going to beat the distance. For a long time he was the only person I could 100% count on for everything, and I mean everything. And yeah, it's been a year since the final break up. But to me that makes no difference in how...hurt I am. And it doesn't help the memories fade away.

I love TJ but there are times I miss things Graham and I did. I miss how he twirled me around at our Spring Break visit. I miss when we made out for the first time and how we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I miss the up-all-night conversations. I miss our "dates" and planning for visits. I miss the way he looked at me when we were together. I miss how I felt when he held me.

I know I fucked it all up. It was because of me. And while I adore my relationship with TJ, I know if I hadn't fucked up with Graham, we'd probably still be together. Because if I hadn't cheated or continued talking to Jimmy, our relationship's innocence would still be intact, at least where outside influences are concerned. I'd probably be planning a wedding a year from now.

But he's gone. He doesn't feel what I feel. He's forgotten everything and moved on and left me with all of the memories, good and bad. He is with her. I meant what I said when I told her I wish them the best, but that doesn't keep me from missing what we had.

Happy holidays. "Merry Christmas; I could care less."

Love,
Caitlyn