Last Night

I've been kinda...off ever since my NC visit. It hurt Graham didn't want to see me but it gave me the power I needed to get over him. But everything he did still hurt, and it culminated in this conversation I had with TJ last night so I could sort it out.

Me: So, looking back, I know Ry wasn't, like, real. I know I never actually miscarried. But that feeling, of wanting something with someone so bad and not getting it, was real. And it resonated in the idea of this beautiful baby girl. Did I ever tell you what we thought she looked like? She always had my long, light blonde hair. His ebony eyes. My skin. His face. My lips. His love of the outdoors. My creativity. We always thought she'd be an artist. A photographer. We loved her. And yeah it was crazy to think she was real. But to us, she was. We spent hours and hours crying over her. And for what, if she never existed? I think we both knew where we were headed, that the hormones were taking over and that there was no shot in hell for us. So we created Ryanna, if to only save that one pure aspect of us. The aspect that wanted a family and a future. And it worked. We saw that part we loved so much in each other and grew attached to it. We never dared let it go because of its perfection. Her perfection. When he shattered my heart, he shattered that fantasy. He shattered what I wanted and needed most, and that's what was so hard. It's what continues to be so goddamn hard. Don't get me wrong. I'm over him. I'm not in love or wanting him back or any of that jazz. But I'm still healing over truly losing that beautiful baby girl. I wasn't prepared to lose her with him. That's why it hurts so bad to see him with someone else, or when he doesn't want to talk to me or have anything to do with me. In my mind, we still shared her. We shared the same dream and the same goals from life and made the same plans. And because we shared all of that, there's this tiny part of me that believes he's still mine, in a sense. And it hurts every so often to know he's gone and left me without any comfort whatsoever. But again, don't get me wrong. I love you. I want those plans with you. I want those dreams and the same experience with you because I love you to the core of my being. I don't know when I'll be able to fully let him and Ry go, but know that I'm trying to so I can be the best to you that I can be. Because you don't deserve someone only partially here.

TJ: Do you want to know one of my biggest fears? Every time we have a scare the thing i am most affraid of is putting you through the pain of a miscarry if it occurs. I would blame myself for you hurting like that and would probably never be able to forgive myself. I know it wouldn't be my fault but i would take it that way. It is just how i work. And i thought you were over him and i had your heart as my own. It hurts me a little to know that isn't true.


Me: It isn't that my heart is his, because he doesn't have it. She does. Even though she's only in my mind.

TJ: I honestly can't understand it. I know you want a family. But did he know she wasn't real? Did you let him suffer the pain of knowing you miscarried? Or did he just go along with it? Because i know that would kill me and to do something like that just to save a relationship means the relationship isn't worth it. Now mentally you are tied on him and emaotionally you scarred yourself. Sometimes it is best to have loved and lost than to not love at all and when it is over just let go. It took me two and a half years to find someone i wanted to be with and i was rejected, broken hearted, dismayed by girls. Then i found you. Had i not let them go i would not be where i am today and be this incredibly happy with you.

Me: You think I knew then what I know now? I thought to my soul she was real for a year. I cried myself to sleep for months wishing I could have her back because it was my fault she wasn't here. I would never make that up to fuck with my mind and I certainly wouldn't fuck with him and his emotions because he wanted a baby just as bad as I did. As for the rest of what you said, I get it. It's been a year since he left. And I've made progress. More than I thought I'd make with him gone. I fell harder for you than I thought I would after him. I don't want him. I want you.

TJ: It hurts though babe. Knowing all this. I feel as if you might never completly be mine.

Me: I tell you that you have of my heart everything I have. And I didn't want to hurt you. I'm sorry.

This morning he was better and we're back to normal. I guess I just needed to get all that off my chest to someone and he deserved to know where my head was. It's the least I can do for the person I love.

We may not be able to see each other on Christmas, but this'll be the best Christmas for me in 11 years. I can feel it.

Love,
Caitlyn