Why?

I'm lying in bed. I leave for North Carolina two days from tomorrow morning. Then I'll be there until Sunday afternoon with my UNC visit on Saturday at 9:30 AM.

I've tried forgetting I'll be within 20 minutes of a DRIVE from Graham Howell. I tried rationalizing how much of an utter douchebag he's been to me and that I shouldn't ever want to see him again, let alone talk to him. Nothing has worked, and I can't sleep from knots in my stomach.

It doesn't seem real. I haven't seen Graham since the summer of 2010. I haven't been to NC since then either. I miss the area. I miss a lot of things.

I wish I were 100% okay with not seeing him this weekend, but I'm far from okay. I wish I could non-chalantly say "Hey I'm here and it would be nice to see you" but I can't. I need us to have closure, to have some kind of definite stance on where we are and where we could go, if anywhere. I need to see him again so I know once and for all what my feelings are. Because either one of us can type out a text message or an email saying something, but plain text leaves words subject to interpretation. In person, or at least on the phone, you can dense the tone of words and the sounds of the other person. You make certain things clear that texts simply don't have.

I don't know how I'll react if I don't see him. I honestly have no idea. Will it say more words than I can type out in a blog post or even ever say out loud? Yes. But the feeling I'd get if we didn't see each other is something I can't pinpoint. And the worst of it is that I can't afford to negatively react because I have a ton of homework to do over the weekend in my down time.

I am hoping and praying with everything I have that we can see each other, that he comes to terms with this mutual need we have and agrees to meet with me somewhere. Because I know if he came to Tampa or Orlando or hell even Gainesville maybe for college visits and he asked to see me, I'd be there; I have enough respect for him as a person and enough respect for our former relationship to do that for him. Oh well.

I'd better sleep or at least try to. I've been having a really difficult time with that lately. Dunno why.

Love,
Caitlyn