Class Ring

My class ring came in today. My sides are the IB emblem and The Arts, with "Caitlyn Holly" as the engraving.

Today was amazing all things considered. The kids were alright at work. TJ is as sweet as ever. School drama has essentially died. I'm sorting out my math class. I feel good, like wholly good down to my core. And I like this feeling.

My motivation for IB is back with a vengeance. How could it not be when my mom spent a ton of money for a class ring? I hate high school, but graduating from IB is something to be proud of. Especially surviving it with most of my sanity.

Like TJ has said rather frequently: "Fuck them all baby it's just you and me." And I'm okay with that. I don't want to be so depressed I'd rather die than live another day. That's not selfish; that's survival.

Love,
Caitlyn

Rumor Has It...

According to school the last couple days, a rumor about me cheating on TJ has ravaged through the IB class. It started because Chelsi and I were fighting, and she wanted to "ruin me." She spread it to her (ex?)boyfriend, who spread it to another kid, who spread it to everyone in IB.

I had warned TJ, because I read the tweet from Chels wanting to "ruin me" and didn't want him to get the initial bad idea. However, even when he heard it, he flipped out. Questioned me. Yesterday he believed me, yesterday he wrote a rant on Facebook about how people should stay out of "us." But today, he wants to see me in person. Today, he wants to hear me say that this rumor isn't true. Because apparently he heard from someone else that the rumor is true.

WHAT THE FUCK.

I'm on the verge of giving up and throwing it all away. I almost want to lie and say it's true but I won't. I had to do a presentation about Anne Sexton today, and the whole time about half the class wasn't paying attention because they were busy discussing my relationship, or at least that's what it felt like.

It sucks knowing everyone's discussing you, and what they say could destroy your happiness. I was so happy, so at peace in my relationship that it was what I looked forward to in this haze I've been in recently. But now? I have nothing: no escape, no tranquility.

Everything is back full circle. That happiness is gone, and so is my security. I'm sick of living life this way. It's just a matter of time. Why not just give up? I'm running out of reasons why not to.

Love,
Caitlyn

I can't.

I can't pretend anymore.

I don't know if what I feel about life is a phase or not, but I do know that I have lost all motivation or appreciation.

I'm tired of not living my life. Like in my last post. I haven't read a book for pleasure in over a year. I haven't picked up my favorite guitar let alone cleaned it in months. I haven't learned a new song in a longer time than that. I have zero passion for anything except TJ right now. And that's saying a lot. Not to say he isn't worth my passion, because he definitely is.

I used to write fan fiction. Hell I used to live fan fiction. I'd follow stories and if my favorites weren't updated I'd find a new one and read for hours. Get ideas for my own stories and let it go. And let's not mention my non-fan fiction stuff. Haven't written that in awhile either. The last poem or song I wrote? At least three months ago. Or rather, that was the last time I didn't write one for school. I can't remember the last time I did something not for school.

I'm so worn out most of the time I can't make myself do things for me. I have time for dance, babysitting, homework, and school-related activities. I have time for my favorite TV shows (thank the fucking Lord), I have time for Sims, but I not only don't have time for anything else but I also have no energy or willpower to do it. I have intense writer's block. I can't get into my favorite books or series. I hardly log onto a computer (thought that's in part because of my iPod).

I want to leave IB so so so badly. I'd still get into college. I'd still get the life I want. And if I left I'd be happier. More care free. I'd have time to clean and do housework and be with my family. And I'd be able to do everything else I like doing. I'm terrified that if I wait too much longer I'll want to do more than just leave IB.

Like I said depression runs in my family. Maybe I wait it out and see. Then check with my mom. Right now all that's keeping me alive, or at least from planning out my demise, is TJ, Hannah, Patrick [Stump and his music], and my future family. Without any of that I'm done for.

Love,
Caitlyn

Indifference and The Sims

I used to love school. The very idea of learning and knowledge would be enough to get me out of bed in the morning. I would attend school with 101 fevers just so I wouldn't miss anything. School was the most important thing.

Now, I hate school. While I still enjoy the academic environment, I loathe getting up before the sun or before 7. I take mental health days. While I know school is important for college, I could definitely care less about it.

Why am I this way? What happened to me? How can I get that drive back? Right now, I'd be perfectly content with going to Dual Enrollment or getting my GED and going for my AA. Everything would be easy and I wouldn't have to wake to before 7. I'd have time for art, for music. I haven't touched my guitars in months. I haven't read a book for pleasure in a year. I'm slowly losing myself, and as a result my sanity, and I hate it.

So even though I have a million things to do, I play The Sims. I customize my characters. I play so that I can see my life years from now and forget all this nonsense. I enjoy escaping into that world where everything is perfect.

No idea what to do other than that though. I'm afraid to get too involved in anything for fear of having to leave it for school work.

I used to sing. Not because I thought I was awesome at it but because I was so happy I had to sing: just turn on my favorite music and let me have my way with it. And now I hate singing because I fear other people will judge me and listen.

My genetics predispose me to a multitude of depressions. I think they've caught up with me. Besides the whole Graham-induced suicide thing, I'm not toying with it much, but I'm at the point where death doesn't seem like such a bad thing.

It's Saturday, 5:22 AM. I fell asleep at around 11:30 last night and I'm wide awake. A whole shitload of work faces me for the remaining weekend but I'm staying positive. I'm up to play The Sims for awhile and then get busy.

Love,
Caitlyn

Sick.

Haven't been feeling so hot lately.

I'm sick, not just physically though. I'm sick of high school. I'm sick of petty drama. I'm sick of backstabbing and rumors and jealousy. I'm sick of sleep deprivation and pretending I'm content with my life. I'm sick of not being able to love TJ like I want to. I'm sick of not having the ability to speak my mind.

I'm sick of not being able to live my life the way I believe I should. I'm sick of parents who try and shove their crazy ideologies down my not-so-conservative throat. I'm sick of being treated like a child when I'm actually closer to becoming an adult.

I'm sick of the public school system. I'm sick of walking into school and being immediately categorized as a criminal. I'm sick of insane due dates and packed work weeks. I'm sick of pretending I care about grades and tests and studying.

I'm sick of pretending I care about much anything at all. I'm sick of being someone I'm not. I'm sick of lying to everyone's faces. I'm just sick.

I'm just terribly sick.

Love,
Caitlyn

UNC

As far as the college visit went, that aspect of the trip was okay. Definitely not my top, but I could accept it. The weather, although cold, was beautiful. The autumn leaves were the most gorgeous things I've seen in a long time. But I didn't see Graham.

I texted him at 11:11 on 11/11 "I'm here in North Carolina until Sunday. It would be nice to see you." I received zero response. I waited until 7:14 of the same night to call, where I left a voicemail essentially saying the same things. No response to that either. The following morning I unblocked him on Facebook to message him, and I said everything I had been keeping from him for the last ten or so months.

"Hey Graham,

I'm up and getting ready for my UNC visit. Never been here this time of year before and you were right: it's absolutely beautiful. I've never seen trees such vibrant colors, and I didn't believe it until I actually saw it with my own two eyes. Despite this all being new and about experiencing a probable option for college, I find myself thinking about the past, about Duke TIP, about your family, and about seeing you.

I still love you, Graham Benson. I still care about you. I never stopped. Even when you told me about Blair and I shoved TJ in your face, which I realize now I should never have done and I am so sorry for that, I still loved you. I made so many mistakes with us and even though you did too, I know now that it was because I started it.

I understand the reasons that you might not see me this weekend, and those reasons are admirable, but if I don't see you I will be leaving with a heavy heart. There's so much I want to say to you in person, and I only pray I get the chance to do so.

I'm on the hotel computers and don't have on-going access to Facebook, so please call me on my cell phone."

He didn't respond but his girlfriend did. Essentially, she told me I cause problems in their relationship and I need to accept our break up. I said I just wanted to see him once and then I will leave them be, and then assured her after she seemed worried I'd try to take him from her that I just want him happy and do not want to steal him. She told me that he doesn't want to see me or contact me and that he's happy. I wished them the best. Haven't heard anything since.

I'm quite finished at this point. I don't care that I know the truth. The real truth. I don't care about the future and possibilities and whatnot. He has burned his bridge with me. I put myself out there 110% and received zero effort in return. I have to put him completely behind me, if not for myself then for the absolutely amazing and perfect boyfriend I do have.

If Graham and I had seen each other I know what would've happened. We would've hugged for a long time first. Then we would've eaten something, been both friendly and flirty way too much than we'd have cared to admit. At the end we would've hugged again, and somewhere in there would've been a kiss. Not a "I miss you let's get back together" kiss but more "I miss you and I'm so sorry for fucking everything up and maybe one day but who knows" kiss.

I miss aspects of what we had but I have so much better in TJ. He's what I need and want, at least for high school, but I have a feeling we could go longer than that. I love him, truly and fully, and he deserves a girlfriend who can give her whole heart to him instead of just giving only what she has to give. But I'm getting better. I'm slowly mending those broken pieces and giving him them in chunks, one bit at a time. Eventually he will have all of it, and if not than the most and best parts of it.

I wish I could stay home and write today since all my homework from the weekend is done. Hm. Does God love me enough to do that?

This past weekend was not what I wanted it to be, but it definitely was what I needed it to be.

Love,
Caitlyn

Re-reading

I just read some old posts on here. Wow. I want to say I've changed, that I'm not that girl, but I am. Those things happened to me. This is my life, for the last couple of years. I've been in love, had my heart broken, debated and attempted suicide, and many other things. There's still so much left I can do with my life and so much time left to do it in. I still look over my shoulder at the past, even turn completely around and watch for awhile, but I always face forward in the end. I don't know what will happen in my life, I don't make things happen, but I can shape it.

Love,
Caitlyn

24 Hours

I leave for NC in the morning, which is twenty four hours from now. I'm definitely freaking out. I freaked out so bad last night I blacked out.

It's been a year. He shouldn't make me feel this way when I think about seeing him. It's like the first winter visit and spring break all over again, except I was nervous about whether or not we'd still like being around each other after months being apart. This time I don't know what's scarier: us seeing each other and coming to the conclusion we can't contact each other any more, or not seeing him at all because he'll refuse to see me.

Tomorrow though is 11/11/11. Magic is supposed to happen. At 11:11 AM I'll have landed and texted him to let him know I wasn't scared away by his comments and I am in fact within twenty minutes of driving distance.

I keep having this thought after I got an email from my UNC Saturday group saying we were so big we had to meet elsewhere: what if he scheduled a time there too? What if he found that loophole before I did? What if I get there, 9:30 AM, and there he is, standing across the room and possibly provoking memories from three and a half years ago?

Three and a half years. That's a long time. For about two and a half of that we shared dreams together, formulated plans for the future. Which would bring me to share my fears of my eighteenth birthday but that's another post for a time after this trip.

Right. School. My quarter grades are 4 A's and 2 D's. Only I could pull that off. And TJ's great. He's got something up his sleeve for our one year I can feel it, and what's better is my mom and stepdad will be in Vegas that weekend. Quelle temps!

I'm lying in bed, again. Three day weekend here I come, I guess. School should be okay. Except for all the homework I have to do. At least I'll be distracted if something goes wrong.

Love,
Caitlyn

Why?

I'm lying in bed. I leave for North Carolina two days from tomorrow morning. Then I'll be there until Sunday afternoon with my UNC visit on Saturday at 9:30 AM.

I've tried forgetting I'll be within 20 minutes of a DRIVE from Graham Howell. I tried rationalizing how much of an utter douchebag he's been to me and that I shouldn't ever want to see him again, let alone talk to him. Nothing has worked, and I can't sleep from knots in my stomach.

It doesn't seem real. I haven't seen Graham since the summer of 2010. I haven't been to NC since then either. I miss the area. I miss a lot of things.

I wish I were 100% okay with not seeing him this weekend, but I'm far from okay. I wish I could non-chalantly say "Hey I'm here and it would be nice to see you" but I can't. I need us to have closure, to have some kind of definite stance on where we are and where we could go, if anywhere. I need to see him again so I know once and for all what my feelings are. Because either one of us can type out a text message or an email saying something, but plain text leaves words subject to interpretation. In person, or at least on the phone, you can dense the tone of words and the sounds of the other person. You make certain things clear that texts simply don't have.

I don't know how I'll react if I don't see him. I honestly have no idea. Will it say more words than I can type out in a blog post or even ever say out loud? Yes. But the feeling I'd get if we didn't see each other is something I can't pinpoint. And the worst of it is that I can't afford to negatively react because I have a ton of homework to do over the weekend in my down time.

I am hoping and praying with everything I have that we can see each other, that he comes to terms with this mutual need we have and agrees to meet with me somewhere. Because I know if he came to Tampa or Orlando or hell even Gainesville maybe for college visits and he asked to see me, I'd be there; I have enough respect for him as a person and enough respect for our former relationship to do that for him. Oh well.

I'd better sleep or at least try to. I've been having a really difficult time with that lately. Dunno why.

Love,
Caitlyn

Crossroads

So I was 5 days late on my period, and I showed multiple symptoms for how many days past ovulation I was. I even had all the cervix signs. And then my period showed up, which I'm not disputing.

I've gone over, more times than I care to admit, my feelings about what would happen if I became a pregnant teen. I truly wouldn't be worried other than for the health of my baby, and I wouldn't have much of an issue adjusting from being a teen to a mother. To me, having a child at this age isn't so much a curse or just a responsibility in need of owning up to. Children are miracles, with numerous joys attached to the responsibility of being a parent; if all that existed in parenthood were the negatives and responsibilities, no one would reproduce or raise children.

TJ does not share in my viewpoints, sadly. Then again, he doesn't have the same background as I do when it comes to the drive for parenting. He gets extremely worried when it gets close to my period, he focuses on the negatives of being young parents when we discuss the "what if" scenario, and when I ask what he'd do, he says, essentially, that the baby is a responsibility that he'd take care of. He also believes having a baby so young would bring his world crashing down and he'll never amount to anything and his entire future will be in ruin.

I understand his words are that of a normal teenager response, but that kind of response is not acceptable with me. If we got pregnant, our parents would, originally, solely emphasize the responsibility and difficulties, and because of that argument he and I need to stay on the positives. I can't work with someone on something so crucial who has such a drastically different standpoint.

What I know is that, if we did get pregnant, once he held his child in his arms, the world would disappear around him and his attention would focus on that baby and nothing else, that he would push all the negativity aside and look forward to the milestones in his or her life. But he hasn't realized that yet.

I know I can't forcibly change his mental position, I can't make him take my side on this whole issue, but I do know that I can't take much more negativity. I'm at a crossroads in our relationship once again, and I don't know what way I'll go.

Love,
Caitlyn

Rhizomania

Tests. Quizzes. Homework. College. GPA. Study.

Study...dance. Extra-curriculars. Honor societies. Baking. Work.

Work...the kids. "Don't kill each other." "Be nice to him!" "Can we go outside?"

Hm outside...the breeze. The cool sunset air on my face. Achu scaring the birds away. The baby in my arms and I rock him to sleep on the swing in this beautiful weather.

The baby...my baby. He isn't mine, I mean it in a future tense. My calling. The only part of life I want and crave. The only thing that, if lacking over time, would be the death of me. Literally.

I spend so much time thinking about the now, of short term goals that reflect my conforming to society's idea of normal.

Society rips apart teenage girls getting pregnant. "Should've had birth control pills." "Should've used a condom." "Should've kept your legs crossed." And when these girls try to succeed after dealing with their life-given lemons, we push them headfirst into a rose bed's thorns.

Why can't we help them? Why can't we do for them what we do for "accepted ages" of mothers? So these teens are stressed out from motherhood. So are plenty of new moms of all ages. So they make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. So they don't immediately adjust to motherhood. I've never seen one new mom adjust immediately. But to repay them for choosing life, and for owning up to what they've done, we make their multitude of jobs exponentially harder.

If I end up a teen mom, I'd hope the people I know would be more understanding. I'd hope they wouldn't shun me and force me into isolation. I'd hope that my family would be supportive and happy, even, instead of never letting me live it down. Because quite frankly, I'd rather be a mom now and know I can be one than wait it out and discover I am never going to have a baby.

Of course, every situation varies. I know what I want. I know that I don't care, in the true long run, about school or a "good job." And I really don't care about the looks I'd get, or the questioning, or the probable struggle of getting some kind of mainstream education. The only thing that matters to me, if this ends up happening, is that baby, the perfect miracle who would make me who I know I really am.

So far, so negative. And I don't know which result would be best for everyone involved, because I tend to forget the other person, my partner, in the situation. But honestly, I don't care if he stays or leaves, because that's on him. His decision.

Back to me. Back to this. Back to the future.

The future...it all comes back around in rhizomania.