What it means when you love somebody.

When people ask about what love is and what it means when they're in love, often times they're told about what's written in the Bible. Something along the lines of "love is patient; love is kind. Love is not selfish or jealous." Granted, I know there's more to it, and I've never actually read this part in the Bible, but that's gathered from what I've heard and have been told myself. This is considering the fact that the verse in question is also one of the most over-read verses at weddings.

If you really think about it though, it's true. Because when you love someone, you want what's best for them. When it's real, love is patient and can outlast all things. When it's real, love is, in fact, kind and a soft part of life that's safe. Real love isn't supposed to be selfish, where you want out of being in love only your wants and not that of the other person. And real love isn't supposed to feel jealousy, because when you're in love, you're supposed to know it's real and true and that person isn't going to go anywhere. Sounds pretty straight forward, right?

Well if it didn't make you question every single time you ever said "I love you" to someone, then it did its job. Because what all that shit doesn't say is that for love to have patience, kindness, acceptance, and selflessness, it takes an incredible amount of work. We're told to expect love to come easy when it's real, but that's an absolute lie. Nothing worth its salt comes easy.

I forgot how much I hate long distance relationships. Then again, how was I supposed to remember the dynamics of one when I've basically convinced myself that in my last long distance relationship, I was the cause of all the problems and if I hadn't done what I did to fuck it all up, we would've gone completely differently? So, naturally, the rest of that has been entirely romanticized, and may have fueled my jumping into another one with Ian a little too much. Because despite only having slightly under four months until we're together at Rochester, and despite only needing to get through the next twelve days until he gets here, I'm having a very hard time keeping it together.

Like I said, when love is real, you have to work at it. Being patient is coming much easier than I could have thought, considering that's been a problem I've had in relationships in general that I had to fix anyways. Don't really know how I'm doing it, but that's progress, right? Being kind; that's been a little easier than expected, too. My "patterns" I guess you could call them include a wide range of flung insults and nasty digs at the boy I claimed to love, whichever at the time, whenever things got a little tough. Combined with a bit of a temper as far as words are concerned, being kind continuously has taken some work, but like I said, not nearly as much as I thought it would. The jealousy hasn't been so easy but also something that's just come naturally, I guess. The selfishness, though. That one's a bitch.

It's tough, you know? Because when we're both out doing things, whatever they may be (work, school, friends, alone time), missing him isn't so hard. It's bearable, because I'm not thinking about it so much. When we're both doing other things, it's like a normal relationship where we're just simply not together at the moment. But then there's when I come home, and it hits that I don't get to see him at all or that I haven't Skyped him yet today or really talked much at all, it's like being punched in the chest. It hurts so fucking bad I can't breathe. But I can't say anything, because either he's still gone or he just got home and it's "hey baby I'm home but I have to go do -insert something else that's going to take way too damn long for you here-" and if I do say something, then that makes me the worst girlfriend ever. It's clingy and desperate. And I hate the calls in between doing things that only last ten minutes, because there's always an awkward silence at the end, and all I want is for him to stay on the phone because I'm perfectly content with just knowing he's there, but I let him go because I can't forget the one time he told me about how he and his ex would stay on the phone like that and he hated it because of how it made him feel obligated. And I don't tell him that I want to Skype so much because it makes me feel like we're making up for the time that we don't get to talk (let alone see each other) all day. Because if I did tell him, then, again, it'll be clingy and weird; I also don't say anything because part of me wants him to figure it out for himself, or at least to feel the same way. But he doesn't, and I know that. So, I have to not be selfish and let him do his own thing, even if that means having him go play a game on his new XBOX and me sit here blogging about it and falling apart because mood swings and missing him so much it takes all the energy I have left not to cry. That's what it means when you love somebody.

In other news. Fucking perfect IB English prompt for paper 2, and I'm officially done with English for the rest of my academic career (besides the writing portions of my classes but hey, writing is a necessary skill). And Ian said he loves the Rochester-themed blanket I made him for his birthday, which is nice. We just came off a bad week last week, and this one's been pretty good for the most part. Whew.

Very not-excited for three different online biology tests over the weekend and the intensive studying that will entail, but at least that means I'll be distracted.