The Best Part

I think the best part of all this is that I actually let myself fall into it. Which will never happen again. From now on I can't go through it anymore. Hurts too much. My dad cancelled the plane tickets today and I had to send the flight confirmation and rewrite his full name. Stung just to look at. And then I deleted all the voicemails and the texts and the call logs. Took him off my Skype account. My Facebook had already been deactivated. If he really cared like he said he did about me and my life then he can figure out a way to check in on me. 

No I take it back. The best part was definitely all the amazing things he said. All the adorable little messages. The spontaneous poetry. Cute selfies I'd get, whether they were of his face or...elsewhere. The best part is reading all of it, hearing him say he loves me and how true it sounded, and knowing that it's no longer like that. Because the best part? The best part is I gave him a lot of chances. I was there. I wasn't going to just stop. But after one time he talks to me about things getting bad, he didn't give me the chance to try and fix it. Which I think is bullshit. If he ever meant it when he said he loved me, we'd be having a second chance at this. Guess there's my answer. 

That's life I guess. It's not always fair. We don't always get what we think we deserve. And I don't want the crumbs of his affections. I'd love another chance, just one, but he's apparently too far gone for that to happen. Because I know if I got that chance, I wouldn't fuck it up again. I completely get what I did wrong and none of it would happen a second time around. Oh well. We'll see about a "future" after all this. 

Meanwhile I've gotten myself addicted to something I never thought I'd ever try in my life, let alone catch myself wanting. Crazy, right? 

Anyway. It's a beautiful day outside. Wish I could've spent it at the beach but I'm distancing myself from TJ. And that's where Chelsi is, with him and a couple other friends, and I'm waiting for her in her driveway. The sky is so incredibly blue. Sun's a bit hot for a sunset. Light breeze helps. As beautiful as it all is though, I feel no attachment to this place I've habitually called "home." Rochester is home. 109 days. 

Three weeks until graduation, and then the summer is mine to dive deep into the mountain of books I've collected over the last couple years but haven't had the chance to read due to IB being a dick. Kinda awesome. Guess that's a good thing. 

Think I'll catch a premier of Gatsby tonight if she's up for it. I really don't need much sleep for the easiest math questions of my life at 8AM. It's a joke. The rest of the exams are jokes, too. Life right now is just one big, everlasting joke, continuously being made at my expense. Not for long. 

Maybe that's actually the best part.