Forgive and Forget

Forgiving doesn't always come easy. Depending on the person and the situation, to forgive can be a simple process, or one that comes with a bit more difficulty. When I forgave Graham after everything, it took a very, very long time, mostly out of my stubbornness and inability to just let things be. It took just as long to forgive Jimmy and for the same reasons. Now, TJ, I've said I "forgive" him many times, like I did with the others, but maybe I actually have. Not because I've worked through how I felt, but simply because I don't care anymore. So with this whole Ian thing, I felt caught between forgiving his absence from prom this coming Friday easily and then not-so easily. Ultimately, I think it's mostly easy to forgive, because he did have some points in not coming, and the reason we couldn't do the distance was quite my fault.

But forgetting. That hasn't been so easy.
In the last week since he said he definitely wasn't coming, I've tried to forget. I've tried to forget how much it hurts not to be able to talk to him. I've tried to forget the guilt and pain in knowing I was the problem and that nothing I could do would make him see that if he gave me the chance, I'm worth it. I can't seem to shake it. I mean, it was only two months of talking. I shouldn't be this affected.

Smoking is supposed to relax you, calm your nerves. Slow your heartrate and steady you. But when I start and nearly finish a pack in one sitting, it still doesn't put off the pounding in my chest. I spent five days in a row out with friends for hours, and three of those nights I spent them in sleepovers. I didn't come home for two days. And then I threw myself into a group of 30+ people of fellow Yellowjackets, and we haven't stopped talking since Saturday. While I find myself "eyeing" one or two of the guys, it doesn't push back how they're not what I want. Then there's the sex. Casual hookups with no pressure and no strings attached. Well, one particular repeated hookup. And I've been really into it, which would make you think it'd help the most since, well, it's been really intense. But despite the physicality, my mind flashes to Ian. I try to push it out; it never works for long. Because as hard as I go, I can't fuck my way into forgetting his smile or his voice or the million amazing things he said to me. I can't forget that he should be here tomorrow, that instead of going to the beach I should be going to the airport to pick him up. I remember 7 weeks ago being so excited, and now it's finally here and it could've been, should've been, but it's not happening.

So I'll spend the next couple of days staving off my nicotine addiction. I'll be at the beach tomorrow. I'll try to..."enjoy" myself. I'll make the food I need to for the group prom efforts. I'll have my nails done Friday, and I'll work on hair and makeup. Then I'll dance, hard, and probably have a pretty decent time. Then after, probably going to get absolutely out of my mind wasted, all in an effort to forget that I'm going to miss him there and all I'll want is to have him by my side. Because maybe I'll actually forget how I feel about him and the situation and just him in general, at least for a little while. Maybe I'll forget how badly I want to see his name pop up on my phone. Maybe I'll forget how all I really want is a chance with him at Rochester. Maybe I'll forget how crazy everyone thinks I am, because like I said, it was only 2 months and I really shouldn't be like this, but goddamn when I fall, I fall hard. And I fell so incredibly hard for him.

Fuck.