*Considering how much there was for me to type in the book, I decided it'd be better to sum up her story by typing up her last entry of the book (but know that the book and what I hi-lighted contains more helpful stories and information that I didn't type up here). You can do a search on it at Amazon.com or you can buy it at twloha.com's online store.*
Friday, August 25, 2006
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DARLING
No, it isn't my birthday, as in I wasn't born on the 25th of this month. However, this date marks six months of a new life for me. This date marks six months that I have not chased my pain away with a razor blade. Six months that I have not drowned out the memories in my head with a bottle. Six months that I have not sought to escape myself in some drugged out alternate universe...
I am no perfect. I am not a Hollywood story where all the ends are tied up neatly and explained. But I am learning and growing and allowing myself to be loved and to love like never before. I am learning to live deliberately, to be a light in dark places, to have what breaks God's heart break mine, too.
This isn't easy. The attacks are so sly, so cunning and baffling and powerful. But my God is bigger than that. It's funny; somehow I forget and think I am alone...But tonight, I came home to read comment after comment of people praying, encouraging, telling me that they are there with me. An answer to a prayer that I have only recently begun praying... That people would know what I am about...And here is my answer.
I hung on. I clung to life and hope in the darkest of times when there didn't seem to be any reason, and it was all so distant... I refused to let go because I knew that God would use my pain to bring healing to others. I only have one life to live, and I want to use it. To be a cracked vessel, to be available and willing to do whatever I am called. I want to jump in the muddy trenches with people who want out and help show them the way. I want to love with the same love that I have been shown...to be a shining star in the universe.
I didn't do this of my own accord; I'm not that strong. God has carried me so many times when all I could do was lay there in my bed begging Him to help me get through the moment, the urge to destroy everything, He drew near to me. Through a friend, a pet, a song...a hug deep inside of my heart.
Oh! I got that keytag and I never wanted to let it out of my palm. It was hard work getting to this point...but it happened, and it can happen for anyone who wants it.
This isn't my story. This is God's story of redemption, being used to redeem others. How beautiful is that?
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