Purpose for the Pain by Renee Yohe (first 100 pages)

*Here are excerpts from pages I hi-lighted in Renee Yohe's collection of journal entries titled Purpose for the Pain. This will be very long, just to let you know, but it sums up everything going on in my head at the moment. Note that also any -blank- means that the word or phrase has been censored for either privacy or profanity.*


Pages 1-2: "Scratch and Dent Sale"

I handed you the key to let you in
You never told me you wouldn't
Leave anything standing
(you left nothing standing)
You trashed everything and
Took all that I had
The sad thing is I would have
Given it to you if you asked
(why didn't you ask)
So now I sit here amidst the rubble
And I think that I blend in
My heart broken in pieces
Scattered meaninglessly across the floor
A pathetic trail that leads only to you
(and I won't follow)
And I'm damaged goods
Mark the price down
Redline sale, fifty percent off
('cause no one buys)
Who will want me now?
But go ahead to your trophy room
And add one more to your collection
Another check on your pricey
Shopping list, and now on
To the next item
(is that all I am?)


Page 4: "To -blank-"

Ask me why my stomach hurts
Why I stare out from bloodshot eyes
Ask me to explain the burning
In my throat and that bitter
Sweet aroma that follows me
Ask me why I cringe under your gaze
Why the long sleeves in this heat
If this is perfection,
I'll cling to my flaws and
Gracefully announce defeat.


Page 5: "Pitiful Grave"

How did I come to be here,
Back in this hole
I thought I crawled out of,
Again at the bottom,
Covered in dirt,
Sweat and tears,
Every movement is agony.
I think my heart is bleeding to death
You're slowing draining my feelings
And injecting bitter resentment,
Apathy and callousness
Are the major side effects.
The cure: all is the dark
That sweetly falls on retired souls
And gently parts them from their pain.


Pages 6-7

The wretched pain of unfulfillable longing
Holds me writhing in its steel grasp
Stabbing contemptuously into me
My heart is bleeding to death,
And all they can do is slap on a band-aid
This is my tragic love story
Conceived in the mind of a ruthless child
Slowly pulling the legs off a spider
Ripping the wings off a butterfly
And nonchalantly wiping away the color
That stains his precious fingers.
The knife is my crucifix
My soul pleads for someone else
Something else to bare this
The hurt bleeds out of my eyes
And cries to the warmth of my pillow
Every tear that falls tonight
Is shed for you.
Every scream my heart omits
Into the muted abyss of night
Echoes from me to you.
Every pitiful gasp for air
Is me breathing in the memory of you
And your memory of me
Will grant us a meeting place,
Somewhere between the fallen moon
And the rising sun.


Pages 8-10: "Extinction of a Home"

I used to smile
Without a heavy heart tugging downwards
On the corners of my mouth
I used to laugh
Because life was enveloped
In your sunshine
Everything was so pure,
Untainted and innocent
Unaware of its every failure
White is the easiest to stain
We used to play
Childhood games late into the night
Deaf to the ticking away of time
We took for granted
The utopia we had
And now all we have is the memory
I used to be content
With every aspect of my life
Until is was ripped away
Time deteriorates
So now I'm stuck
Longing for what is no more
I can never have it back
Not one more day
No second chance fairytales
Just a hole in my heart
Clawing at memories
In hopes of escaping reality
And alleviating the sickening pain
Change is incurable
So you ache for home
But what exactly does that mean?
What is it to be homesick?
To tearfully awake every morning
With your insides in a knot
Only untied by familiarity.
Familiarity
That you'll never find again
Because it doesn't exist anymore.
Am I condemned to feel like this forever?


Pages 11-12: "Faltering"

Am I supposed to be capable of handling this?
Am I supposed to be fine?
Leaden brick after another,
Until my shoulders collapse
And puncture my lungs in a gross miscalculation
I can't breathe.
Am I supposed to smile now?
Is this my cue to laugh?
I can't find it, it's lost somewhere
If I search hard enough I'll be lost too,
In the darkness, like a gaping mouth
Hungry for my soul.
Was someone supposed to have been here?
Was I supposed to bleed to them?
Leave the blanket here over my insides
They're dead and no one should behold them.
They only care because I'm fading,
And they need my light to see.
I guess these sounds you're uttering
Should mean something,
But I can't hear you, I don't understand
And I know you can't fathom me.
Am I supposed to crawl out this window?
Is this the escape you provided me?
I'm eight stories from the ground
Trapped in a burning reverie
Clouded visions blind my eyes.
A year of drought and short comings.


Page 13: "Void"

Twisting, turning, ever seeking
Nothing.
Stretching, burning, ever reaching
Empty space.
Desiring, yearning, for some understanding,
Denied.
Gasping, choking on the truth,
Is accepting that there is none.


Pages 21-23: "Goodbye"

I don't know how to walk away from you
Words that refuse to part from my lips
Goodbye
Tearing from my insides
A shudder, a violent tremor of remorse
No.
This is not allowed, these tears are taboo
How dare you disappoint them again
Protect
Don't pierce their precious little hearts
They're crying for you
Guilt
Quick, wipe your eyes and smile
I think they believe you're fine
Deceive
To willfully mislead the enemies
Liar, murder, protector, are you kind?
Foe?
But they love you, why are you pulling?
Confusion, swimming, spiraling out of control
Drunk.
With confusion that overwhelms
I'm drowning in my head
Heart.
Is torn in half but it's not fair
Split between oceans vast and sprawling
Bleeding.
For you, for them, for me?
Can we wash this all away?
White out
A favorable blink.
You're supposed to know what to do
Perfect.
But there is no such thing,
Because it is merely relevant
Truth
Must be universal and unchanging
So here I am still rusty,
Frozen
To the place where I left you,
Where the words broke my heart.
Goodbye.


Page 25: "Bonds of Freedom"

Come to me in the middle of the night
On a surge of tears
Overthrowing from my heart
Destroy me.
Searing through the layers
Sinking your teeth in
Bathe them in my inadequacies
Blood letting.
The color neatly decorates
Draws an intricate design
A portrayal of truth
Epitome of reflection.
Learn to bare the marks
These are your cure all
These are honest.
These are chains.


Page 31

It doesn't seem fair
That you're thousands of miles away
And to think it's my fault
that it was my weakness.
Which caused us not to stay
I wish I were stronger
I wish i could have held on
I never thought I'd want to be back
That I could miss it so bad
But it's forever gone
I miss your true friendship
I miss the depth and your care
I want you back in my life
I need you
But you aren't there.


Page 39: "Transparent"

You read me
The story marked out so clearly on my wrist
Your prying eyes devour every scar
Burning through my skin
The shame you taught me
Each time your thoughtless words slung my face
I hate you
The reproving expression dominating your features
As you declare me flawed
As you trample me under your feet
The confidence in your charade
I'd rather bare these marks
Rather be honest
Your contradictions turn my stomach
And your eyes betray your dirty insides
I can see them seeping through
Not much longer now
In not much longer you'll break, too.


Pages 41-44: "...Oops..." *note that there is blood on the page in drops*

I can't keep my hand from shaking
As it enacts the shameful deed
I can't stop
I've lost myself in the pain
And somehow I don't feel
As the blood spatters my sheet
And drips off my arm
I can't help but feel this is right
I only think it is wrong
But I don't want this
What will they say
What will they do
I will disappoint
And hurt
And shame
Oh God it hurts so bad
My heart seems as though
It will explode
And that's just what's on the inside
What the -blank- have I done
I'm so stupid, I'm SO stupid
Didn't you stop to think?
No, I only felt
I didn't want to feel
But you pushed me to this
God!
Where are you in this
I bet you can't even look at me
This pathetic mess
Of blood and fears
A sniveling, sobbing heap
Collapsed on the floor
Sneaking in the dark
To return the vessel
Washed and dried
They'll never notice
I'm so pathetic
I don't know what to do
Won't someone help
Can something help?
I'll pay and you know it,
I don't care anymore
-blank-
Help me out of this.
Someone please, I'm so alone
No one feels this
No one speaks
And neither do I
No one wants to
It's a secret
Sssshhh!
Don't spill your guts here
We don't want to clean them up
Keep them locked inside
It's a lose lose situation here.


Page 45: "Help Me."

I watch with blurry vision
Through eyes that swirl in salty tears
As the blood sprawls across my wrist
That drives to caress and taint my sheets
Bearing witness to the release of painful years
The blade flashes in the night
It stems to smile as it sinks deep into my skin
Dawning triumphant lipstick on its mouth
To display its fulfillment of some glorified purpose
I close my eyes afraid to let reality set in.
What will they say of these marks?
Will they overlook my final stand?
My last attempt to express
And try to separate the symbol from its meaning
I need you to take the knife out of my hands.


Page 46

You touched what wasn't yours to touch
Your devilish scheming
Your lustful heart...
Stealing, degrading...
I will forgive you.


Page 52: "-blank-"

You said love
And like an ocean wave slapping your face
The word crashed into me
Knocking me down
You told me I could never disappoint you
How did you come to feel this way
About the pathetic mess that is me
Where is the beauty you describe
I can't comprehend
But I love the feel of your words
As they caress my heart
As they pray on my behalf
And ease this pain
You said love.


Pages 58-59: "-blank-"

...I feel your breath against my skin
Your arms around my waist...
Your lips against mine
The smell of your cologne...
I never wanted to leave your embrace...
I sit here missing you.


Pages 60-61

...I'm running, leaving it all behind
The tears...
A sob escapes my lips
It's drowned by the roar of my thoughts
Keep running
My lungs are burning
Head spinning
Yet each steps bring clarity
The night is welcoming
It's mine...
I trust this
I can't feel my legs
But I keep moving, I can't stop


Page 64

These marks are made in your honor tonight
Although you don't deserve to be here
Caught off-guard
I shed a tear
I bled your name
Alone in my fortress grieving
For times long gone
Scabs ripped off before healing
And I'm not sure where to go from here
Funny I'm the only one to care
You cleared your conscience
With a letter that you left there
I can't let you back in.

Page 66: "Glance Back (at a picture)"

That girl, she's dead...
A disconnected line...
I think I miss her...

Page 70: "PM"

These pills go down so softly
See, there's nothing to it
Isn't this familiar?
Isn't this so easy?
Oh my friend, you've been here before
You know how it goes
Close your eyes
Let the magic work
You know how it does
Don't be afraid, I locked the door
The evidence concealed
You're so smart
You're so stupid
Hide until you're healed.

Page 72

...And I can feel your hands on my wrist
Lovingly they trace
Every line that resides so shamefully
But you don't shrink away...
You squeeze my hand as I speak the words
To tell the story of that night...
I release my doubt.

Page 76

Someone murdered spring
She lies frozen and helpless
Under an ice veil

Page 78

I want to get away from you
I want to get away from me
I want to rip my heart out
And numbly watch it bleed.
I want to get away from you
I want to get away from me
I want to tear a hole in my throat
So you can hear me scream.

Pages 81-82

I wasn't good enough
You had something on the side
All I had to share was my heart
You had no use for that
Not when she let you inside
You cared not for my poetry
And nothing of my song
You sought to fulfill
Your selfish desires
Stringing me along
I stayed beside you
All the while you did drink
And angrily you'd return
An agenda and a fist
And I'd just let you hit me
Sooner or later I came to realize
That maybe this wasn't okay
Maybe I didn't deserve this
Maybe I should suffice
So I took back my heart and faded away.

Pages 83-84

It wasn't supposed to be this way
It faded too quickly
Like a -blank- nicotine high
A -blank- ride at the park
They have the nerve to point at you
And say it was your fault
For expecting so much out of life
This anticlimactic story
Is droning on
Drilling holes into my head
So much potential
Never reached
Dreams caged in jars
Never released
And it's your fault they suffocated
You're to blame
For all of these inadequacies
These cheap generic aspirations
A -blank- goodwill of futures
Pick through the leftovers
Of yesterday's inhibitions.

Page 88

The words you speak are so sweet
But they're starving me
Caught in the middle
Torn apart
I just want to be with you
I just want to trust
I want you to be here
When I open my eyes
Burn these lies
This blood is yours
You are the knife that cuts
I'm screaming inside this cage
Let me out so you can hold me
I want to feel you
And know this is true.

Page 91: "Camping"

Intoxicated
Drunk from your kiss
Your potent words
And this bottle
Under a sky, winking stars
Under a blanket, blinking hard
Your lips on my neck
You feel so good
Hold me
Your arms, wrapped secure
Your promises, I rest assured
You won't hurt me
All I have to fear is
Myself, and I am
Vulnerable.

Page 93

I've been having panic attacks at school, and the Safe-officer threatened to Baker Act me. My dad mentioned hospitalizing me to keep me from cutting. My head and body were shaking uncontrollably, then voices were screaming inside of my head on repeat. It's turned into a horrible nightmare. Please don't let anyone take me away. I'm supposed to see a psychiatrist. The latest are scissors and a butter knife from Panera.

Page 96

I'VE GOT YOU PINNED AGAINST THE WALL
YOUR HEART SHOULD BE
POUNDING
BUT I HEAR NOTHING
AT ALL.

Pages 99-104

You don't deserved to be touch, I don't want anyone to touch me I want someone to touch me what the -blank- do I want? I don't know I don't know -blank- marks you -blank-, couldn't you do any better than that? Oh, that's too messy. Look at him, he's crying. It's your fault, look what you did you stupid -blank-. How could you do that to me? You said just fifteen minutes, I was never in the picture, HOW DARE YOU! We never discussed this bug I can't breathe...yes you can, you can... Where are those words I ordered last week? Open the door! Open the door! (-blank- no) You picked it open you always do, pry it open, tsch nosy nosy... What the -blank- is privacy anyway? Don't ask me, my door won't shut now. (-blank-) Animal in a cage. Go ahead, point stare discuss me and my habits. I wouldn't understand. Flicker hints of flame snuffed out every time. I can't get the -blank- flame to stay! I hate this piece of -blank- lighter I hate it I hate it! -blank- you're crazy. Now, about those guitar lessons...play your heart out. I want to play my heart out...When everything's meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.