Of Recent Days...

Changes have overcome my life, in more ways than one.

First off, school. I've decided that IB is no longer in my life plan, and so I set up an appointment with my guidance counselor about full-time Dual Enrollment at PHCC; this way I'll be out of IB, get guaranteed college credit while additionally getting high school credit, and be able to graduate a year early. This track seems to be best, and I'm still doing research on undergraduate and graduate psychology programs in both UCF and UNC.

Secondly, I've mostly convinced my parents to allow me to have a car once I get my license; how I did it I don't know, but it just somewhat happened. Most likely, it will be a 2011 Honda Civic Sedan, color of atomic blue, though the model is still undecided because my mom wants the car to have leather seats even though I could care less as long as the car lasts me through college.

Third, I've essentially lost James being in my life. What with him having emotional distress and his ex-girlfriend Brittany not only reappearing in his life but also stalking him and clinging to him like super glue (don't get me started on her life story; I also have someone telling me they're dating again but whatever makes him happy), he doesn't need me dumping my life woes on him, and so amongst my drastic mood swings we've pretty much lost touch. As much as I'd like him to be the part of my life that he was just a few weeks or so ago, it isn't very likely.

And finally, Graham and I are back together. Perhaps I'm crazy for letting it happen, but it just did. After two weeks of not talking to each other, he was apparently reading my tweets and so last Monday morning he called my cell and left a voicemail talking about how sorry he was and how he'd waited long enough and how much he wanted me and how he loved me and wanted me to call him back to discuss things. Needless to say, my heart was torn in two between letting him immediately back into my life and shutting him out. When I called him up a couple minutes later, we decided to see what would happen and throughout the day we texted, ending up being in a relationship (though not fully normal and engaged) and deciding to hold off on all other aspects of discussion until he talked to his dad. That night, he did, and his dad said that he wants Graham to be independent and that if Graham still feels this way around Valentine's day, then Graham can come down for the holiday. However, in the meantime Graham and I aren't supposed to talk to each other.

We've decided to stay together, be single on Facebook, and talk via tweeting and Skype daily. We're working on not being obsessive but still being close and talking enough. I told my mom how his dad doesn't want us together until Valentine's Day, and she agrees; we were in limbo for three months, so it only makes sense to wait three months for seeing each other while being together, stable. We hate it, but we understand and can't wait to see each other.

Meanwhile, I'm freaking out because we've never gone over a week being okay and in love and such in the past few months. It feels different this time though, and I'm clinging to that notion with all I have until my anxiety subsides. Unfortunately, these anxious feelings won't completely disappear until Graham and I are normal again, and I have zero idea when that will be because it's up to Graham. Maybe it won't happen for awhile, perhaps a few months or a few years, so I just have to have hope that it's going to eventually happen. After all, I know what I want, as I've always known what I wanted, and so I just have to patiently wait. I don't want to push Graham by any means, but I just wanted to put this out there.

Anyway I thought I'd update because it's been awhile, but alas I must go to dye my hair again and rock out because I painted my nails red again. It feels good to be back.

Love,
Caitlyn