It ends tonight.

He has broken my heart for the last time.

I'm sitting here on my bed crying my eyes out, and for what? Someone that didn't care about me or love me enough to give up what he thinks is crucial to have in his life? No. I'm crucial in his life. He needs me. Or at least, I was. Or at least, he did. Now Graham has another new girlfriend and we aren't getting together long distance ever again. And I need to understand that.

However, my mom has had the final straw and is emailing his mother to tell her to keep him away from me. Hopefully she'll also tell his mom about how I didn't just have sex with James, I also slept with Graham and was sleeping with Graham and doing sexual things with Graham before James. But that's up to her.

So tonight is about me trying to stop all of this crazy stuff. I want someone that can commit, someone that loves me unconditionally and would do anything to be with me no matter the situation. I want someone that can listen when I need to talk and someone that can open up to me so I can listen. I want the real Graham, the guy I know he really is, but I get now that he isn't that guy right now. If we're meant to be together, it'll happen on its own accord. But that isn't going to get in the way of my life.

If he contacts me and begs me to take him back and tells me that his parents will allow us (the parents thing only applies if we're still living apart) and basically everything he's ever needed to say, then we'll be together. But I'm not pushing anymore, and because why? Because, sometimes, you have to know that he's just not that into you.

However, if I don't hear from him, then I have to live as though he never existed (except for recognizing we had a child together). I'll have to live like we were never together, that I was never in a long distance relationship and the only person I've had sex with was James. I'll have to regret every single thing Graham and I ever did together, including being together, because I'm tired of feeling like I want to die or rip my skin apart from cutting it.

I realize now that I never told you guys about our daughter, Ryanna. We conceived her in the summer of '09, and just about a month later I miscarried. I had an inert feeling the child I lost was a girl, and like we had planned with our firstborn daughter we called her Ryanna (Ry for short). She's the only thing I'm willing to remember, because I love and miss her so much. But that's it, because she's all that's worth missing.

I want him to want us, but right now he doesn't want us, and so I won't want us either. I'm not spending another second waiting and hoping for something that we both don't want.

I'm done talking about what happened. I'm finished discussing Graham and all of his entirety. It's over. The tears, the suicidal thoughts, the misery; it all ends tonight.

James: thank you for being there when he wasn't. I'll love you always for that (don't worry darlin' I mean that in a sisterly way).

Love,
Caitlyn