The Past Week.

Not much to say, really. The holidays were mostly average and sucky as compared to a normal day, but what else can you expect for a child of divorce? I went out on Black Friday, bought most of my gifts for others. Now just killing time for the big C-day.

Graham and I are still together. We've been good, really good actually. Words can't describe it. Yesterday morning we had a bit of a disagreement over things we told each other involving what happened while we weren't together (he told me he found a couple of new fetishes; I told him I fooled around with James again). It didn't last long, and we eventually did what we always do in the mornings and we're on Skype: shower together. Later yesterday while I was at Amar's party I was a bit testy, and he fell asleep on me around midnight. This morning we texted some, and after 10:30 or so I haven't heard from him at all. But he's signed in on Skype so I have no idea what's been going on with him today. All I know is that I'm low and I'm missing Ry and he's nowhere to be found, not to mention I'm worried about him.

While he's been out doing God knows what (which has reduced me to more than what I'm willing to admit even on this blog), I cleaned my room and pretty much tore apart my furniture to clear it out of anything and everything I no longer need. In the process, I set out all of the Graham items again and reread things I've written creatively over the years. I found the journal of acrostic poems I wrote at the end of eighth grade and the following summer. I found things I wrote from my first and second years of TIP that I hadn't thought about in at least half a year. I found a story I had begun writing in the start of eighth grade that I lost (which I'm typing up now in a document on my computer). It was really fun and interesting to do, to say the least.

My Patrick Stump playlist has been on repeat all day, and it's distracted me some. His solo album, titled "Soul Punk," is set for release in February 2011, and it's hard for me to tell what I look forward to most that month, the album or a visit with Graham.

Today's been one of those days where I really, really miss my daughter, and particularly today it's mixed with feelings of cutting lowness, and the last time this happened (in addition to other reasons) I attempted suicide. The idea of life is just very confusing right now.

I realize I appear extremely crazy and mentally unstable right about now. Maybe I am. Whatever.

Love,
Caitlyn