Not much to say, really. The holidays were mostly average and sucky as compared to a normal day, but what else can you expect for a child of divorce? I went out on Black Friday, bought most of my gifts for others. Now just killing time for the big C-day.
Graham and I are still together. We've been good, really good actually. Words can't describe it. Yesterday morning we had a bit of a disagreement over things we told each other involving what happened while we weren't together (he told me he found a couple of new fetishes; I told him I fooled around with James again). It didn't last long, and we eventually did what we always do in the mornings and we're on Skype: shower together. Later yesterday while I was at Amar's party I was a bit testy, and he fell asleep on me around midnight. This morning we texted some, and after 10:30 or so I haven't heard from him at all. But he's signed in on Skype so I have no idea what's been going on with him today. All I know is that I'm low and I'm missing Ry and he's nowhere to be found, not to mention I'm worried about him.
While he's been out doing God knows what (which has reduced me to more than what I'm willing to admit even on this blog), I cleaned my room and pretty much tore apart my furniture to clear it out of anything and everything I no longer need. In the process, I set out all of the Graham items again and reread things I've written creatively over the years. I found the journal of acrostic poems I wrote at the end of eighth grade and the following summer. I found things I wrote from my first and second years of TIP that I hadn't thought about in at least half a year. I found a story I had begun writing in the start of eighth grade that I lost (which I'm typing up now in a document on my computer). It was really fun and interesting to do, to say the least.
My Patrick Stump playlist has been on repeat all day, and it's distracted me some. His solo album, titled "Soul Punk," is set for release in February 2011, and it's hard for me to tell what I look forward to most that month, the album or a visit with Graham.
Today's been one of those days where I really, really miss my daughter, and particularly today it's mixed with feelings of cutting lowness, and the last time this happened (in addition to other reasons) I attempted suicide. The idea of life is just very confusing right now.
I realize I appear extremely crazy and mentally unstable right about now. Maybe I am. Whatever.
Love,
Caitlyn
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
I Used To Write Poetry.
Towards the later months of eighth grade, I had fallen in love with writing poetry, for whatever reason. Except for one really long free-verse poem, I wrote acrostics, and by the end of the school year I had completed an entire notebook full of them. But in the beginning of it, I realized I wanted to be appreciative of my life at that moment because I was continuously looking back at how my life had been the year before. So I'm posting the free-verse poem and my first acrostic. The poem is titled "Through the Looking Glass," and the acrostic is untitled.
Spiraling down, down, down
Deeper into myself;
A train wreck waiting to happen
To my emotions.
Nothing to stop it from occurring,
Life was pointless.
Why stay? Why go through the same events
Day after day?
Instead of moving towards the end of the tunnel,
I moved further into the
Darkness of depression.
Before starting up again, before leaving…
I was lifted.
In place of cold was warmth.
In place of shallow sky was thick ebony.
In place of apathy and abandonment was care and support.
For the first time, I wanted
To cry, to lean on
Somebody else’s shoulder.
For the first time, I wanted
A support system, like
I was for many others.
Perfection pooled out of every fiber and pore.
We started out as friends, in my eyes.
But then we grew, grew far beyond
Anything I had ever imagined,
And I learned that everything could
Disappear with only a
Hug or a kiss,
Both filled with love and compassion.
The arms in which I found myself
Fully and completely loved
Being trapped and surrounded in,
Saved me.
From myself,
And from the faux affection
Of those shiny silver things we call
Razors gave me.
With him, I felt full,
Instead of the usual empty.
With him, I felt smooth,
Instead of the usual rocky.
With him, I felt appreciated,
Instead of the usual overlooked.
And just as I was getting settled,
We were ripped apart.
And a piece of me went with him.
I ached and ached and ached.
I’m still aching
All over, no where near
Certain of where this feeling is
Coming from.
I didn’t know until it was
Too late, and he was
Too far gone.
I didn’t know until it was
Too late, what the ache had been
Caused by.
Which made everything hurt worse;
And that feeling, that
Desperate ache was
Love.
An undying, forever, enchanting one
At that, and I can tell it will
Never fade.
And through the months of
Talking, sharing stories of
Our pasts, wants, and
Dreams,
He became more than
Anyone else
Had ever been.
He became
My world, and
My everything.
After, nothing could
Compare to that feeling
Of platinum preciousness that
He induced in my head and
My heart.
At times I don’t believe that
This is real, that I’m just
Peering through the looking glass
Into an alternate reality,
But I’ve been convinced
Otherwise.
I don’t want this to
End, to break apart
And shatter, because he is
My wants,
My dreams, and
My future.
He is my love,
My empathy, and
My ambition.
He is my world,
My life, and
My everything.
At least, for now.
Gee, I wonder how he
Revived my
Amorous spirit, bursting from my
Heart from the inside out.
Attaching to this newly discovered
Mindset wasn’t simple,
But it became so with the
Ease his heart led me into.
Never will I go back to the
Shallowness and constant
Overlook that was
Never called for.
However this may have
Occurred in our lives, the absolutely
Wonderful and utterly
Everlasting
Love shall continue to
Live on in me.
Well I must be going for school and whatnot.
Love,
Caitlyn
Spiraling down, down, down
Deeper into myself;
A train wreck waiting to happen
To my emotions.
Nothing to stop it from occurring,
Life was pointless.
Why stay? Why go through the same events
Day after day?
Instead of moving towards the end of the tunnel,
I moved further into the
Darkness of depression.
Before starting up again, before leaving…
I was lifted.
In place of cold was warmth.
In place of shallow sky was thick ebony.
In place of apathy and abandonment was care and support.
For the first time, I wanted
To cry, to lean on
Somebody else’s shoulder.
For the first time, I wanted
A support system, like
I was for many others.
Perfection pooled out of every fiber and pore.
We started out as friends, in my eyes.
But then we grew, grew far beyond
Anything I had ever imagined,
And I learned that everything could
Disappear with only a
Hug or a kiss,
Both filled with love and compassion.
The arms in which I found myself
Fully and completely loved
Being trapped and surrounded in,
Saved me.
From myself,
And from the faux affection
Of those shiny silver things we call
Razors gave me.
With him, I felt full,
Instead of the usual empty.
With him, I felt smooth,
Instead of the usual rocky.
With him, I felt appreciated,
Instead of the usual overlooked.
And just as I was getting settled,
We were ripped apart.
And a piece of me went with him.
I ached and ached and ached.
I’m still aching
All over, no where near
Certain of where this feeling is
Coming from.
I didn’t know until it was
Too late, and he was
Too far gone.
I didn’t know until it was
Too late, what the ache had been
Caused by.
Which made everything hurt worse;
And that feeling, that
Desperate ache was
Love.
An undying, forever, enchanting one
At that, and I can tell it will
Never fade.
And through the months of
Talking, sharing stories of
Our pasts, wants, and
Dreams,
He became more than
Anyone else
Had ever been.
He became
My world, and
My everything.
After, nothing could
Compare to that feeling
Of platinum preciousness that
He induced in my head and
My heart.
At times I don’t believe that
This is real, that I’m just
Peering through the looking glass
Into an alternate reality,
But I’ve been convinced
Otherwise.
I don’t want this to
End, to break apart
And shatter, because he is
My wants,
My dreams, and
My future.
He is my love,
My empathy, and
My ambition.
He is my world,
My life, and
My everything.
At least, for now.
Gee, I wonder how he
Revived my
Amorous spirit, bursting from my
Heart from the inside out.
Attaching to this newly discovered
Mindset wasn’t simple,
But it became so with the
Ease his heart led me into.
Never will I go back to the
Shallowness and constant
Overlook that was
Never called for.
However this may have
Occurred in our lives, the absolutely
Wonderful and utterly
Everlasting
Love shall continue to
Live on in me.
Well I must be going for school and whatnot.
Love,
Caitlyn
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Of Recent Days...
Changes have overcome my life, in more ways than one.
First off, school. I've decided that IB is no longer in my life plan, and so I set up an appointment with my guidance counselor about full-time Dual Enrollment at PHCC; this way I'll be out of IB, get guaranteed college credit while additionally getting high school credit, and be able to graduate a year early. This track seems to be best, and I'm still doing research on undergraduate and graduate psychology programs in both UCF and UNC.
Secondly, I've mostly convinced my parents to allow me to have a car once I get my license; how I did it I don't know, but it just somewhat happened. Most likely, it will be a 2011 Honda Civic Sedan, color of atomic blue, though the model is still undecided because my mom wants the car to have leather seats even though I could care less as long as the car lasts me through college.
Third, I've essentially lost James being in my life. What with him having emotional distress and his ex-girlfriend Brittany not only reappearing in his life but also stalking him and clinging to him like super glue (don't get me started on her life story; I also have someone telling me they're dating again but whatever makes him happy), he doesn't need me dumping my life woes on him, and so amongst my drastic mood swings we've pretty much lost touch. As much as I'd like him to be the part of my life that he was just a few weeks or so ago, it isn't very likely.
And finally, Graham and I are back together. Perhaps I'm crazy for letting it happen, but it just did. After two weeks of not talking to each other, he was apparently reading my tweets and so last Monday morning he called my cell and left a voicemail talking about how sorry he was and how he'd waited long enough and how much he wanted me and how he loved me and wanted me to call him back to discuss things. Needless to say, my heart was torn in two between letting him immediately back into my life and shutting him out. When I called him up a couple minutes later, we decided to see what would happen and throughout the day we texted, ending up being in a relationship (though not fully normal and engaged) and deciding to hold off on all other aspects of discussion until he talked to his dad. That night, he did, and his dad said that he wants Graham to be independent and that if Graham still feels this way around Valentine's day, then Graham can come down for the holiday. However, in the meantime Graham and I aren't supposed to talk to each other.
We've decided to stay together, be single on Facebook, and talk via tweeting and Skype daily. We're working on not being obsessive but still being close and talking enough. I told my mom how his dad doesn't want us together until Valentine's Day, and she agrees; we were in limbo for three months, so it only makes sense to wait three months for seeing each other while being together, stable. We hate it, but we understand and can't wait to see each other.
Meanwhile, I'm freaking out because we've never gone over a week being okay and in love and such in the past few months. It feels different this time though, and I'm clinging to that notion with all I have until my anxiety subsides. Unfortunately, these anxious feelings won't completely disappear until Graham and I are normal again, and I have zero idea when that will be because it's up to Graham. Maybe it won't happen for awhile, perhaps a few months or a few years, so I just have to have hope that it's going to eventually happen. After all, I know what I want, as I've always known what I wanted, and so I just have to patiently wait. I don't want to push Graham by any means, but I just wanted to put this out there.
Anyway I thought I'd update because it's been awhile, but alas I must go to dye my hair again and rock out because I painted my nails red again. It feels good to be back.
Love,
Caitlyn
First off, school. I've decided that IB is no longer in my life plan, and so I set up an appointment with my guidance counselor about full-time Dual Enrollment at PHCC; this way I'll be out of IB, get guaranteed college credit while additionally getting high school credit, and be able to graduate a year early. This track seems to be best, and I'm still doing research on undergraduate and graduate psychology programs in both UCF and UNC.
Secondly, I've mostly convinced my parents to allow me to have a car once I get my license; how I did it I don't know, but it just somewhat happened. Most likely, it will be a 2011 Honda Civic Sedan, color of atomic blue, though the model is still undecided because my mom wants the car to have leather seats even though I could care less as long as the car lasts me through college.
Third, I've essentially lost James being in my life. What with him having emotional distress and his ex-girlfriend Brittany not only reappearing in his life but also stalking him and clinging to him like super glue (don't get me started on her life story; I also have someone telling me they're dating again but whatever makes him happy), he doesn't need me dumping my life woes on him, and so amongst my drastic mood swings we've pretty much lost touch. As much as I'd like him to be the part of my life that he was just a few weeks or so ago, it isn't very likely.
And finally, Graham and I are back together. Perhaps I'm crazy for letting it happen, but it just did. After two weeks of not talking to each other, he was apparently reading my tweets and so last Monday morning he called my cell and left a voicemail talking about how sorry he was and how he'd waited long enough and how much he wanted me and how he loved me and wanted me to call him back to discuss things. Needless to say, my heart was torn in two between letting him immediately back into my life and shutting him out. When I called him up a couple minutes later, we decided to see what would happen and throughout the day we texted, ending up being in a relationship (though not fully normal and engaged) and deciding to hold off on all other aspects of discussion until he talked to his dad. That night, he did, and his dad said that he wants Graham to be independent and that if Graham still feels this way around Valentine's day, then Graham can come down for the holiday. However, in the meantime Graham and I aren't supposed to talk to each other.
We've decided to stay together, be single on Facebook, and talk via tweeting and Skype daily. We're working on not being obsessive but still being close and talking enough. I told my mom how his dad doesn't want us together until Valentine's Day, and she agrees; we were in limbo for three months, so it only makes sense to wait three months for seeing each other while being together, stable. We hate it, but we understand and can't wait to see each other.
Meanwhile, I'm freaking out because we've never gone over a week being okay and in love and such in the past few months. It feels different this time though, and I'm clinging to that notion with all I have until my anxiety subsides. Unfortunately, these anxious feelings won't completely disappear until Graham and I are normal again, and I have zero idea when that will be because it's up to Graham. Maybe it won't happen for awhile, perhaps a few months or a few years, so I just have to have hope that it's going to eventually happen. After all, I know what I want, as I've always known what I wanted, and so I just have to patiently wait. I don't want to push Graham by any means, but I just wanted to put this out there.
Anyway I thought I'd update because it's been awhile, but alas I must go to dye my hair again and rock out because I painted my nails red again. It feels good to be back.
Love,
Caitlyn
Purpose for the Pain by Renee Yohe (The Last Pages)
*Considering how much there was for me to type in the book, I decided it'd be better to sum up her story by typing up her last entry of the book (but know that the book and what I hi-lighted contains more helpful stories and information that I didn't type up here). You can do a search on it at Amazon.com or you can buy it at twloha.com's online store.*
Friday, August 25, 2006
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DARLING
No, it isn't my birthday, as in I wasn't born on the 25th of this month. However, this date marks six months of a new life for me. This date marks six months that I have not chased my pain away with a razor blade. Six months that I have not drowned out the memories in my head with a bottle. Six months that I have not sought to escape myself in some drugged out alternate universe...
I am no perfect. I am not a Hollywood story where all the ends are tied up neatly and explained. But I am learning and growing and allowing myself to be loved and to love like never before. I am learning to live deliberately, to be a light in dark places, to have what breaks God's heart break mine, too.
This isn't easy. The attacks are so sly, so cunning and baffling and powerful. But my God is bigger than that. It's funny; somehow I forget and think I am alone...But tonight, I came home to read comment after comment of people praying, encouraging, telling me that they are there with me. An answer to a prayer that I have only recently begun praying... That people would know what I am about...And here is my answer.
I hung on. I clung to life and hope in the darkest of times when there didn't seem to be any reason, and it was all so distant... I refused to let go because I knew that God would use my pain to bring healing to others. I only have one life to live, and I want to use it. To be a cracked vessel, to be available and willing to do whatever I am called. I want to jump in the muddy trenches with people who want out and help show them the way. I want to love with the same love that I have been shown...to be a shining star in the universe.
I didn't do this of my own accord; I'm not that strong. God has carried me so many times when all I could do was lay there in my bed begging Him to help me get through the moment, the urge to destroy everything, He drew near to me. Through a friend, a pet, a song...a hug deep inside of my heart.
Oh! I got that keytag and I never wanted to let it out of my palm. It was hard work getting to this point...but it happened, and it can happen for anyone who wants it.
This isn't my story. This is God's story of redemption, being used to redeem others. How beautiful is that?
Friday, August 25, 2006
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DARLING
No, it isn't my birthday, as in I wasn't born on the 25th of this month. However, this date marks six months of a new life for me. This date marks six months that I have not chased my pain away with a razor blade. Six months that I have not drowned out the memories in my head with a bottle. Six months that I have not sought to escape myself in some drugged out alternate universe...
I am no perfect. I am not a Hollywood story where all the ends are tied up neatly and explained. But I am learning and growing and allowing myself to be loved and to love like never before. I am learning to live deliberately, to be a light in dark places, to have what breaks God's heart break mine, too.
This isn't easy. The attacks are so sly, so cunning and baffling and powerful. But my God is bigger than that. It's funny; somehow I forget and think I am alone...But tonight, I came home to read comment after comment of people praying, encouraging, telling me that they are there with me. An answer to a prayer that I have only recently begun praying... That people would know what I am about...And here is my answer.
I hung on. I clung to life and hope in the darkest of times when there didn't seem to be any reason, and it was all so distant... I refused to let go because I knew that God would use my pain to bring healing to others. I only have one life to live, and I want to use it. To be a cracked vessel, to be available and willing to do whatever I am called. I want to jump in the muddy trenches with people who want out and help show them the way. I want to love with the same love that I have been shown...to be a shining star in the universe.
I didn't do this of my own accord; I'm not that strong. God has carried me so many times when all I could do was lay there in my bed begging Him to help me get through the moment, the urge to destroy everything, He drew near to me. Through a friend, a pet, a song...a hug deep inside of my heart.
Oh! I got that keytag and I never wanted to let it out of my palm. It was hard work getting to this point...but it happened, and it can happen for anyone who wants it.
This isn't my story. This is God's story of redemption, being used to redeem others. How beautiful is that?
Purpose For The Pain by Renee Yohe (pages 115-216)
Pages 115-116
The angel's wings are torn
She's weeping on the shore
All alone, in the dark
Grains of sand standby
Watching as she cries
There is nothing left
There is nothing left
Of the life she led
Her halo's broken by her side
And there's no reason to try
A hole is dug she crawls inside
Ready and willing to die
All alone, in the dark
Stars are screaming out of the sky
As the angel cries
She softly closes tearful eyes
And lets the world slip by
All alone, in the dark
The footprints wash away
She's all that remains and
Then someone came along
And gave her a new song
He sat with her, in the dark
He said he'd hold her forever
And never leave her side, now
There is nothing left
There is nothing left
Of the life she bled
And she's not alone anymore.
Pages 136-140
I am in a white room
Alone...
I am dancing
Running in circles...
I am frantic...
I can't stop
I don't want to stop
Ever...
What have I done?...
Why, oh God
Did you let him touch me?
Oh God, why
Has the world
Come crashing down on my head
My insides
Are a million microscopic pieces...
WHY, oh God
Are you silent when I'm screaming?...
Taken. Mutilated. Maimed.
(destroyed? am I destroyed?)...
Take this weight away
(oh, it's crushing me)...
Won't someone fix me please?...
I wish I was treasure
I wish I was new
I wish I could dance
Someone stole my dancing shoes
Twirling, in white
Like no one ever touched me
As if I wasn't ruined
As if I never had a price...
Page 141: "HOPE"
Sometimes we forget to look up
I want to have hope
But I'm scared
I'm not familiar with peace
I'm holding on
And I don't know how to let go
...yet
Page 147
LET GO;
I want to hold it for you.
-GOD
Pages 149-155
I see you
And you can't have me
I feel you
Cold shivers down my spine...
You have no place here...
I hate myself! -blank-
Today is just one of those days
Where I hate everything
Somebody help me, leave me alone...
I'M FINE (is that a lie?)...
I did this to myself (or did I?)...
Oh and the chaos...
And I'm drawn to
Dark grays and heavy black
Red and sobbing blue...
Could I live?
Page 157 *note that it's written in blood with blood droplets all over the page*
I'M SORRY I NEEDED TO BLEED...
Page 158
So desperate, so useless and lonely, oh so lonely
Dark and bitter
Sad and bloody...
Am I to let it tear me down,
Bring me to my knees?...
Shut my eyes
Cradle my pain
In my arms...
Pages 162-166
I don't know...
What a terrible mess!...
I talk with a blade against my skin
And eyes that are painted black
Lips that bleed red
Or a big fat smile on my face...
I think you took my breath...
What if my mouth won't open...
Helpless, alone (oh God, oh my God!)...
Why? Why? Why? Why?...
And I'm scared...
Clingy and detached...
And I am an ant under a magnifying glass...
I am shattering.
Pages 171-176
...And did I choose this path
Or was I pushed?...
Blink.
He is walking away
And I scream
And I bleed
As he vanishes behind the door...
-blank- up
It screams
Angry red
Into the sink
Hate life...
He has come to take me away...
I am defiant,
I am feisty (-blank- yeah I am)...
What the -blank- do I do?...
Please
I want to dance, I want to sing
And all that emerges is
Sniffled sobs and broken shards of heart...
Someone to show me how
And here I am,
Dazed and confused.
Pages 178-179
...We self-medicate and shattered
Turn our faces to the sky in silent protest...
But I'm on pins and needles
And I'm dying to bleed...
I've left my razor blades behind
I grab a pencil and some dead trees
And scratch my heartache
Onto them instead
It lacks the power
Of red
And it feels too soft
Too shy and
Unsure.
Page 198
I hurt so bad...
I love you
I hate you
I'm scared
I can't make you stay
I can't make you want it
But I know I do
And I'll do whatever it takes.
Pages 210-216
Last night he came to me
Again
In my sleep...
He seemed so soft, inviting
He was magnetic...
Missing his feel
Missing...
And your lips are haunting
Your lips
Followed by a fist
Confusion
And turmoil and
Chaos...
I never want to sleep again
I don't even want to breathe...
We are not alone in the rooms...
Stay...
I hate my mind...
I hate you...
I want to rain on your parade...
Your sunlight is blinding
And I'm still waiting for rain
Like tears
Falling, falling...
Moody and shifting and restless
And
Appropriate...
Praying for the end...
Keep coming back they say
I'm staring at my arms
Stay, stay
As the cuts fade to scars
And like scars I'm healing
The pain remains
It is my story that I wear
Evident
Burning...
Oh God how long am I going to be beaten
By the waves?...
Scars are just tattoos
With better stories
The angel's wings are torn
She's weeping on the shore
All alone, in the dark
Grains of sand standby
Watching as she cries
There is nothing left
There is nothing left
Of the life she led
Her halo's broken by her side
And there's no reason to try
A hole is dug she crawls inside
Ready and willing to die
All alone, in the dark
Stars are screaming out of the sky
As the angel cries
She softly closes tearful eyes
And lets the world slip by
All alone, in the dark
The footprints wash away
She's all that remains and
Then someone came along
And gave her a new song
He sat with her, in the dark
He said he'd hold her forever
And never leave her side, now
There is nothing left
There is nothing left
Of the life she bled
And she's not alone anymore.
Pages 136-140
I am in a white room
Alone...
I am dancing
Running in circles...
I am frantic...
I can't stop
I don't want to stop
Ever...
What have I done?...
Why, oh God
Did you let him touch me?
Oh God, why
Has the world
Come crashing down on my head
My insides
Are a million microscopic pieces...
WHY, oh God
Are you silent when I'm screaming?...
Taken. Mutilated. Maimed.
(destroyed? am I destroyed?)...
Take this weight away
(oh, it's crushing me)...
Won't someone fix me please?...
I wish I was treasure
I wish I was new
I wish I could dance
Someone stole my dancing shoes
Twirling, in white
Like no one ever touched me
As if I wasn't ruined
As if I never had a price...
Page 141: "HOPE"
Sometimes we forget to look up
I want to have hope
But I'm scared
I'm not familiar with peace
I'm holding on
And I don't know how to let go
...yet
Page 147
LET GO;
I want to hold it for you.
-GOD
Pages 149-155
I see you
And you can't have me
I feel you
Cold shivers down my spine...
You have no place here...
I hate myself! -blank-
Today is just one of those days
Where I hate everything
Somebody help me, leave me alone...
I'M FINE (is that a lie?)...
I did this to myself (or did I?)...
Oh and the chaos...
And I'm drawn to
Dark grays and heavy black
Red and sobbing blue...
Could I live?
Page 157 *note that it's written in blood with blood droplets all over the page*
I'M SORRY I NEEDED TO BLEED...
Page 158
So desperate, so useless and lonely, oh so lonely
Dark and bitter
Sad and bloody...
Am I to let it tear me down,
Bring me to my knees?...
Shut my eyes
Cradle my pain
In my arms...
Pages 162-166
I don't know...
What a terrible mess!...
I talk with a blade against my skin
And eyes that are painted black
Lips that bleed red
Or a big fat smile on my face...
I think you took my breath...
What if my mouth won't open...
Helpless, alone (oh God, oh my God!)...
Why? Why? Why? Why?...
And I'm scared...
Clingy and detached...
And I am an ant under a magnifying glass...
I am shattering.
Pages 171-176
...And did I choose this path
Or was I pushed?...
Blink.
He is walking away
And I scream
And I bleed
As he vanishes behind the door...
-blank- up
It screams
Angry red
Into the sink
Hate life...
He has come to take me away...
I am defiant,
I am feisty (-blank- yeah I am)...
What the -blank- do I do?...
Please
I want to dance, I want to sing
And all that emerges is
Sniffled sobs and broken shards of heart...
Someone to show me how
And here I am,
Dazed and confused.
Pages 178-179
...We self-medicate and shattered
Turn our faces to the sky in silent protest...
But I'm on pins and needles
And I'm dying to bleed...
I've left my razor blades behind
I grab a pencil and some dead trees
And scratch my heartache
Onto them instead
It lacks the power
Of red
And it feels too soft
Too shy and
Unsure.
Page 198
I hurt so bad...
I love you
I hate you
I'm scared
I can't make you stay
I can't make you want it
But I know I do
And I'll do whatever it takes.
Pages 210-216
Last night he came to me
Again
In my sleep...
He seemed so soft, inviting
He was magnetic...
Missing his feel
Missing...
And your lips are haunting
Your lips
Followed by a fist
Confusion
And turmoil and
Chaos...
I never want to sleep again
I don't even want to breathe...
We are not alone in the rooms...
Stay...
I hate my mind...
I hate you...
I want to rain on your parade...
Your sunlight is blinding
And I'm still waiting for rain
Like tears
Falling, falling...
Moody and shifting and restless
And
Appropriate...
Praying for the end...
Keep coming back they say
I'm staring at my arms
Stay, stay
As the cuts fade to scars
And like scars I'm healing
The pain remains
It is my story that I wear
Evident
Burning...
Oh God how long am I going to be beaten
By the waves?...
Scars are just tattoos
With better stories
Monday, November 8, 2010
Purpose for the Pain by Renee Yohe (first 100 pages)
*Here are excerpts from pages I hi-lighted in Renee Yohe's collection of journal entries titled Purpose for the Pain. This will be very long, just to let you know, but it sums up everything going on in my head at the moment. Note that also any -blank- means that the word or phrase has been censored for either privacy or profanity.*
Pages 1-2: "Scratch and Dent Sale"
I handed you the key to let you in
You never told me you wouldn't
Leave anything standing
(you left nothing standing)
You trashed everything and
Took all that I had
The sad thing is I would have
Given it to you if you asked
(why didn't you ask)
So now I sit here amidst the rubble
And I think that I blend in
My heart broken in pieces
Scattered meaninglessly across the floor
A pathetic trail that leads only to you
(and I won't follow)
And I'm damaged goods
Mark the price down
Redline sale, fifty percent off
('cause no one buys)
Who will want me now?
But go ahead to your trophy room
And add one more to your collection
Another check on your pricey
Shopping list, and now on
To the next item
(is that all I am?)
Page 4: "To -blank-"
Ask me why my stomach hurts
Why I stare out from bloodshot eyes
Ask me to explain the burning
In my throat and that bitter
Sweet aroma that follows me
Ask me why I cringe under your gaze
Why the long sleeves in this heat
If this is perfection,
I'll cling to my flaws and
Gracefully announce defeat.
Page 5: "Pitiful Grave"
How did I come to be here,
Back in this hole
I thought I crawled out of,
Again at the bottom,
Covered in dirt,
Sweat and tears,
Every movement is agony.
I think my heart is bleeding to death
You're slowing draining my feelings
And injecting bitter resentment,
Apathy and callousness
Are the major side effects.
The cure: all is the dark
That sweetly falls on retired souls
And gently parts them from their pain.
Pages 6-7
The wretched pain of unfulfillable longing
Holds me writhing in its steel grasp
Stabbing contemptuously into me
My heart is bleeding to death,
And all they can do is slap on a band-aid
This is my tragic love story
Conceived in the mind of a ruthless child
Slowly pulling the legs off a spider
Ripping the wings off a butterfly
And nonchalantly wiping away the color
That stains his precious fingers.
The knife is my crucifix
My soul pleads for someone else
Something else to bare this
The hurt bleeds out of my eyes
And cries to the warmth of my pillow
Every tear that falls tonight
Is shed for you.
Every scream my heart omits
Into the muted abyss of night
Echoes from me to you.
Every pitiful gasp for air
Is me breathing in the memory of you
And your memory of me
Will grant us a meeting place,
Somewhere between the fallen moon
And the rising sun.
Pages 8-10: "Extinction of a Home"
I used to smile
Without a heavy heart tugging downwards
On the corners of my mouth
I used to laugh
Because life was enveloped
In your sunshine
Everything was so pure,
Untainted and innocent
Unaware of its every failure
White is the easiest to stain
We used to play
Childhood games late into the night
Deaf to the ticking away of time
We took for granted
The utopia we had
And now all we have is the memory
I used to be content
With every aspect of my life
Until is was ripped away
Time deteriorates
So now I'm stuck
Longing for what is no more
I can never have it back
Not one more day
No second chance fairytales
Just a hole in my heart
Clawing at memories
In hopes of escaping reality
And alleviating the sickening pain
Change is incurable
So you ache for home
But what exactly does that mean?
What is it to be homesick?
To tearfully awake every morning
With your insides in a knot
Only untied by familiarity.
Familiarity
That you'll never find again
Because it doesn't exist anymore.
Am I condemned to feel like this forever?
Pages 11-12: "Faltering"
Am I supposed to be capable of handling this?
Am I supposed to be fine?
Leaden brick after another,
Until my shoulders collapse
And puncture my lungs in a gross miscalculation
I can't breathe.
Am I supposed to smile now?
Is this my cue to laugh?
I can't find it, it's lost somewhere
If I search hard enough I'll be lost too,
In the darkness, like a gaping mouth
Hungry for my soul.
Was someone supposed to have been here?
Was I supposed to bleed to them?
Leave the blanket here over my insides
They're dead and no one should behold them.
They only care because I'm fading,
And they need my light to see.
I guess these sounds you're uttering
Should mean something,
But I can't hear you, I don't understand
And I know you can't fathom me.
Am I supposed to crawl out this window?
Is this the escape you provided me?
I'm eight stories from the ground
Trapped in a burning reverie
Clouded visions blind my eyes.
A year of drought and short comings.
Page 13: "Void"
Twisting, turning, ever seeking
Nothing.
Stretching, burning, ever reaching
Empty space.
Desiring, yearning, for some understanding,
Denied.
Gasping, choking on the truth,
Is accepting that there is none.
Pages 21-23: "Goodbye"
I don't know how to walk away from you
Words that refuse to part from my lips
Goodbye
Tearing from my insides
A shudder, a violent tremor of remorse
No.
This is not allowed, these tears are taboo
How dare you disappoint them again
Protect
Don't pierce their precious little hearts
They're crying for you
Guilt
Quick, wipe your eyes and smile
I think they believe you're fine
Deceive
To willfully mislead the enemies
Liar, murder, protector, are you kind?
Foe?
But they love you, why are you pulling?
Confusion, swimming, spiraling out of control
Drunk.
With confusion that overwhelms
I'm drowning in my head
Heart.
Is torn in half but it's not fair
Split between oceans vast and sprawling
Bleeding.
For you, for them, for me?
Can we wash this all away?
White out
A favorable blink.
You're supposed to know what to do
Perfect.
But there is no such thing,
Because it is merely relevant
Truth
Must be universal and unchanging
So here I am still rusty,
Frozen
To the place where I left you,
Where the words broke my heart.
Goodbye.
Page 25: "Bonds of Freedom"
Come to me in the middle of the night
On a surge of tears
Overthrowing from my heart
Destroy me.
Searing through the layers
Sinking your teeth in
Bathe them in my inadequacies
Blood letting.
The color neatly decorates
Draws an intricate design
A portrayal of truth
Epitome of reflection.
Learn to bare the marks
These are your cure all
These are honest.
These are chains.
Page 31
It doesn't seem fair
That you're thousands of miles away
And to think it's my fault
that it was my weakness.
Which caused us not to stay
I wish I were stronger
I wish i could have held on
I never thought I'd want to be back
That I could miss it so bad
But it's forever gone
I miss your true friendship
I miss the depth and your care
I want you back in my life
I need you
But you aren't there.
Page 39: "Transparent"
You read me
The story marked out so clearly on my wrist
Your prying eyes devour every scar
Burning through my skin
The shame you taught me
Each time your thoughtless words slung my face
I hate you
The reproving expression dominating your features
As you declare me flawed
As you trample me under your feet
The confidence in your charade
I'd rather bare these marks
Rather be honest
Your contradictions turn my stomach
And your eyes betray your dirty insides
I can see them seeping through
Not much longer now
In not much longer you'll break, too.
Pages 41-44: "...Oops..." *note that there is blood on the page in drops*
I can't keep my hand from shaking
As it enacts the shameful deed
I can't stop
I've lost myself in the pain
And somehow I don't feel
As the blood spatters my sheet
And drips off my arm
I can't help but feel this is right
I only think it is wrong
But I don't want this
What will they say
What will they do
I will disappoint
And hurt
And shame
Oh God it hurts so bad
My heart seems as though
It will explode
And that's just what's on the inside
What the -blank- have I done
I'm so stupid, I'm SO stupid
Didn't you stop to think?
No, I only felt
I didn't want to feel
But you pushed me to this
God!
Where are you in this
I bet you can't even look at me
This pathetic mess
Of blood and fears
A sniveling, sobbing heap
Collapsed on the floor
Sneaking in the dark
To return the vessel
Washed and dried
They'll never notice
I'm so pathetic
I don't know what to do
Won't someone help
Can something help?
I'll pay and you know it,
I don't care anymore
-blank-
Help me out of this.
Someone please, I'm so alone
No one feels this
No one speaks
And neither do I
No one wants to
It's a secret
Sssshhh!
Don't spill your guts here
We don't want to clean them up
Keep them locked inside
It's a lose lose situation here.
Page 45: "Help Me."
I watch with blurry vision
Through eyes that swirl in salty tears
As the blood sprawls across my wrist
That drives to caress and taint my sheets
Bearing witness to the release of painful years
The blade flashes in the night
It stems to smile as it sinks deep into my skin
Dawning triumphant lipstick on its mouth
To display its fulfillment of some glorified purpose
I close my eyes afraid to let reality set in.
What will they say of these marks?
Will they overlook my final stand?
My last attempt to express
And try to separate the symbol from its meaning
I need you to take the knife out of my hands.
Page 46
You touched what wasn't yours to touch
Your devilish scheming
Your lustful heart...
Stealing, degrading...
I will forgive you.
Page 52: "-blank-"
You said love
And like an ocean wave slapping your face
The word crashed into me
Knocking me down
You told me I could never disappoint you
How did you come to feel this way
About the pathetic mess that is me
Where is the beauty you describe
I can't comprehend
But I love the feel of your words
As they caress my heart
As they pray on my behalf
And ease this pain
You said love.
Pages 58-59: "-blank-"
...I feel your breath against my skin
Your arms around my waist...
Your lips against mine
The smell of your cologne...
I never wanted to leave your embrace...
I sit here missing you.
Pages 60-61
...I'm running, leaving it all behind
The tears...
A sob escapes my lips
It's drowned by the roar of my thoughts
Keep running
My lungs are burning
Head spinning
Yet each steps bring clarity
The night is welcoming
It's mine...
I trust this
I can't feel my legs
But I keep moving, I can't stop
Page 64
These marks are made in your honor tonight
Although you don't deserve to be here
Caught off-guard
I shed a tear
I bled your name
Alone in my fortress grieving
For times long gone
Scabs ripped off before healing
And I'm not sure where to go from here
Funny I'm the only one to care
You cleared your conscience
With a letter that you left there
I can't let you back in.
Page 66: "Glance Back (at a picture)"
That girl, she's dead...
A disconnected line...
I think I miss her...
Page 70: "PM"
These pills go down so softly
See, there's nothing to it
Isn't this familiar?
Isn't this so easy?
Oh my friend, you've been here before
You know how it goes
Close your eyes
Let the magic work
You know how it does
Don't be afraid, I locked the door
The evidence concealed
You're so smart
You're so stupid
Hide until you're healed.
Page 72
...And I can feel your hands on my wrist
Lovingly they trace
Every line that resides so shamefully
But you don't shrink away...
You squeeze my hand as I speak the words
To tell the story of that night...
I release my doubt.
Page 76
Someone murdered spring
She lies frozen and helpless
Under an ice veil
Page 78
I want to get away from you
I want to get away from me
I want to rip my heart out
And numbly watch it bleed.
I want to get away from you
I want to get away from me
I want to tear a hole in my throat
So you can hear me scream.
Pages 81-82
I wasn't good enough
You had something on the side
All I had to share was my heart
You had no use for that
Not when she let you inside
You cared not for my poetry
And nothing of my song
You sought to fulfill
Your selfish desires
Stringing me along
I stayed beside you
All the while you did drink
And angrily you'd return
An agenda and a fist
And I'd just let you hit me
Sooner or later I came to realize
That maybe this wasn't okay
Maybe I didn't deserve this
Maybe I should suffice
So I took back my heart and faded away.
Pages 83-84
It wasn't supposed to be this way
It faded too quickly
Like a -blank- nicotine high
A -blank- ride at the park
They have the nerve to point at you
And say it was your fault
For expecting so much out of life
This anticlimactic story
Is droning on
Drilling holes into my head
So much potential
Never reached
Dreams caged in jars
Never released
And it's your fault they suffocated
You're to blame
For all of these inadequacies
These cheap generic aspirations
A -blank- goodwill of futures
Pick through the leftovers
Of yesterday's inhibitions.
Page 88
The words you speak are so sweet
But they're starving me
Caught in the middle
Torn apart
I just want to be with you
I just want to trust
I want you to be here
When I open my eyes
Burn these lies
This blood is yours
You are the knife that cuts
I'm screaming inside this cage
Let me out so you can hold me
I want to feel you
And know this is true.
Page 91: "Camping"
Intoxicated
Drunk from your kiss
Your potent words
And this bottle
Under a sky, winking stars
Under a blanket, blinking hard
Your lips on my neck
You feel so good
Hold me
Your arms, wrapped secure
Your promises, I rest assured
You won't hurt me
All I have to fear is
Myself, and I am
Vulnerable.
Page 93
I've been having panic attacks at school, and the Safe-officer threatened to Baker Act me. My dad mentioned hospitalizing me to keep me from cutting. My head and body were shaking uncontrollably, then voices were screaming inside of my head on repeat. It's turned into a horrible nightmare. Please don't let anyone take me away. I'm supposed to see a psychiatrist. The latest are scissors and a butter knife from Panera.
Page 96
I'VE GOT YOU PINNED AGAINST THE WALL
YOUR HEART SHOULD BE
POUNDING
BUT I HEAR NOTHING
AT ALL.
Pages 99-104
You don't deserved to be touch, I don't want anyone to touch me I want someone to touch me what the -blank- do I want? I don't know I don't know -blank- marks you -blank-, couldn't you do any better than that? Oh, that's too messy. Look at him, he's crying. It's your fault, look what you did you stupid -blank-. How could you do that to me? You said just fifteen minutes, I was never in the picture, HOW DARE YOU! We never discussed this bug I can't breathe...yes you can, you can... Where are those words I ordered last week? Open the door! Open the door! (-blank- no) You picked it open you always do, pry it open, tsch nosy nosy... What the -blank- is privacy anyway? Don't ask me, my door won't shut now. (-blank-) Animal in a cage. Go ahead, point stare discuss me and my habits. I wouldn't understand. Flicker hints of flame snuffed out every time. I can't get the -blank- flame to stay! I hate this piece of -blank- lighter I hate it I hate it! -blank- you're crazy. Now, about those guitar lessons...play your heart out. I want to play my heart out...When everything's meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.
Pages 1-2: "Scratch and Dent Sale"
I handed you the key to let you in
You never told me you wouldn't
Leave anything standing
(you left nothing standing)
You trashed everything and
Took all that I had
The sad thing is I would have
Given it to you if you asked
(why didn't you ask)
So now I sit here amidst the rubble
And I think that I blend in
My heart broken in pieces
Scattered meaninglessly across the floor
A pathetic trail that leads only to you
(and I won't follow)
And I'm damaged goods
Mark the price down
Redline sale, fifty percent off
('cause no one buys)
Who will want me now?
But go ahead to your trophy room
And add one more to your collection
Another check on your pricey
Shopping list, and now on
To the next item
(is that all I am?)
Page 4: "To -blank-"
Ask me why my stomach hurts
Why I stare out from bloodshot eyes
Ask me to explain the burning
In my throat and that bitter
Sweet aroma that follows me
Ask me why I cringe under your gaze
Why the long sleeves in this heat
If this is perfection,
I'll cling to my flaws and
Gracefully announce defeat.
Page 5: "Pitiful Grave"
How did I come to be here,
Back in this hole
I thought I crawled out of,
Again at the bottom,
Covered in dirt,
Sweat and tears,
Every movement is agony.
I think my heart is bleeding to death
You're slowing draining my feelings
And injecting bitter resentment,
Apathy and callousness
Are the major side effects.
The cure: all is the dark
That sweetly falls on retired souls
And gently parts them from their pain.
Pages 6-7
The wretched pain of unfulfillable longing
Holds me writhing in its steel grasp
Stabbing contemptuously into me
My heart is bleeding to death,
And all they can do is slap on a band-aid
This is my tragic love story
Conceived in the mind of a ruthless child
Slowly pulling the legs off a spider
Ripping the wings off a butterfly
And nonchalantly wiping away the color
That stains his precious fingers.
The knife is my crucifix
My soul pleads for someone else
Something else to bare this
The hurt bleeds out of my eyes
And cries to the warmth of my pillow
Every tear that falls tonight
Is shed for you.
Every scream my heart omits
Into the muted abyss of night
Echoes from me to you.
Every pitiful gasp for air
Is me breathing in the memory of you
And your memory of me
Will grant us a meeting place,
Somewhere between the fallen moon
And the rising sun.
Pages 8-10: "Extinction of a Home"
I used to smile
Without a heavy heart tugging downwards
On the corners of my mouth
I used to laugh
Because life was enveloped
In your sunshine
Everything was so pure,
Untainted and innocent
Unaware of its every failure
White is the easiest to stain
We used to play
Childhood games late into the night
Deaf to the ticking away of time
We took for granted
The utopia we had
And now all we have is the memory
I used to be content
With every aspect of my life
Until is was ripped away
Time deteriorates
So now I'm stuck
Longing for what is no more
I can never have it back
Not one more day
No second chance fairytales
Just a hole in my heart
Clawing at memories
In hopes of escaping reality
And alleviating the sickening pain
Change is incurable
So you ache for home
But what exactly does that mean?
What is it to be homesick?
To tearfully awake every morning
With your insides in a knot
Only untied by familiarity.
Familiarity
That you'll never find again
Because it doesn't exist anymore.
Am I condemned to feel like this forever?
Pages 11-12: "Faltering"
Am I supposed to be capable of handling this?
Am I supposed to be fine?
Leaden brick after another,
Until my shoulders collapse
And puncture my lungs in a gross miscalculation
I can't breathe.
Am I supposed to smile now?
Is this my cue to laugh?
I can't find it, it's lost somewhere
If I search hard enough I'll be lost too,
In the darkness, like a gaping mouth
Hungry for my soul.
Was someone supposed to have been here?
Was I supposed to bleed to them?
Leave the blanket here over my insides
They're dead and no one should behold them.
They only care because I'm fading,
And they need my light to see.
I guess these sounds you're uttering
Should mean something,
But I can't hear you, I don't understand
And I know you can't fathom me.
Am I supposed to crawl out this window?
Is this the escape you provided me?
I'm eight stories from the ground
Trapped in a burning reverie
Clouded visions blind my eyes.
A year of drought and short comings.
Page 13: "Void"
Twisting, turning, ever seeking
Nothing.
Stretching, burning, ever reaching
Empty space.
Desiring, yearning, for some understanding,
Denied.
Gasping, choking on the truth,
Is accepting that there is none.
Pages 21-23: "Goodbye"
I don't know how to walk away from you
Words that refuse to part from my lips
Goodbye
Tearing from my insides
A shudder, a violent tremor of remorse
No.
This is not allowed, these tears are taboo
How dare you disappoint them again
Protect
Don't pierce their precious little hearts
They're crying for you
Guilt
Quick, wipe your eyes and smile
I think they believe you're fine
Deceive
To willfully mislead the enemies
Liar, murder, protector, are you kind?
Foe?
But they love you, why are you pulling?
Confusion, swimming, spiraling out of control
Drunk.
With confusion that overwhelms
I'm drowning in my head
Heart.
Is torn in half but it's not fair
Split between oceans vast and sprawling
Bleeding.
For you, for them, for me?
Can we wash this all away?
White out
A favorable blink.
You're supposed to know what to do
Perfect.
But there is no such thing,
Because it is merely relevant
Truth
Must be universal and unchanging
So here I am still rusty,
Frozen
To the place where I left you,
Where the words broke my heart.
Goodbye.
Page 25: "Bonds of Freedom"
Come to me in the middle of the night
On a surge of tears
Overthrowing from my heart
Destroy me.
Searing through the layers
Sinking your teeth in
Bathe them in my inadequacies
Blood letting.
The color neatly decorates
Draws an intricate design
A portrayal of truth
Epitome of reflection.
Learn to bare the marks
These are your cure all
These are honest.
These are chains.
Page 31
It doesn't seem fair
That you're thousands of miles away
And to think it's my fault
that it was my weakness.
Which caused us not to stay
I wish I were stronger
I wish i could have held on
I never thought I'd want to be back
That I could miss it so bad
But it's forever gone
I miss your true friendship
I miss the depth and your care
I want you back in my life
I need you
But you aren't there.
Page 39: "Transparent"
You read me
The story marked out so clearly on my wrist
Your prying eyes devour every scar
Burning through my skin
The shame you taught me
Each time your thoughtless words slung my face
I hate you
The reproving expression dominating your features
As you declare me flawed
As you trample me under your feet
The confidence in your charade
I'd rather bare these marks
Rather be honest
Your contradictions turn my stomach
And your eyes betray your dirty insides
I can see them seeping through
Not much longer now
In not much longer you'll break, too.
Pages 41-44: "...Oops..." *note that there is blood on the page in drops*
I can't keep my hand from shaking
As it enacts the shameful deed
I can't stop
I've lost myself in the pain
And somehow I don't feel
As the blood spatters my sheet
And drips off my arm
I can't help but feel this is right
I only think it is wrong
But I don't want this
What will they say
What will they do
I will disappoint
And hurt
And shame
Oh God it hurts so bad
My heart seems as though
It will explode
And that's just what's on the inside
What the -blank- have I done
I'm so stupid, I'm SO stupid
Didn't you stop to think?
No, I only felt
I didn't want to feel
But you pushed me to this
God!
Where are you in this
I bet you can't even look at me
This pathetic mess
Of blood and fears
A sniveling, sobbing heap
Collapsed on the floor
Sneaking in the dark
To return the vessel
Washed and dried
They'll never notice
I'm so pathetic
I don't know what to do
Won't someone help
Can something help?
I'll pay and you know it,
I don't care anymore
-blank-
Help me out of this.
Someone please, I'm so alone
No one feels this
No one speaks
And neither do I
No one wants to
It's a secret
Sssshhh!
Don't spill your guts here
We don't want to clean them up
Keep them locked inside
It's a lose lose situation here.
Page 45: "Help Me."
I watch with blurry vision
Through eyes that swirl in salty tears
As the blood sprawls across my wrist
That drives to caress and taint my sheets
Bearing witness to the release of painful years
The blade flashes in the night
It stems to smile as it sinks deep into my skin
Dawning triumphant lipstick on its mouth
To display its fulfillment of some glorified purpose
I close my eyes afraid to let reality set in.
What will they say of these marks?
Will they overlook my final stand?
My last attempt to express
And try to separate the symbol from its meaning
I need you to take the knife out of my hands.
Page 46
You touched what wasn't yours to touch
Your devilish scheming
Your lustful heart...
Stealing, degrading...
I will forgive you.
Page 52: "-blank-"
You said love
And like an ocean wave slapping your face
The word crashed into me
Knocking me down
You told me I could never disappoint you
How did you come to feel this way
About the pathetic mess that is me
Where is the beauty you describe
I can't comprehend
But I love the feel of your words
As they caress my heart
As they pray on my behalf
And ease this pain
You said love.
Pages 58-59: "-blank-"
...I feel your breath against my skin
Your arms around my waist...
Your lips against mine
The smell of your cologne...
I never wanted to leave your embrace...
I sit here missing you.
Pages 60-61
...I'm running, leaving it all behind
The tears...
A sob escapes my lips
It's drowned by the roar of my thoughts
Keep running
My lungs are burning
Head spinning
Yet each steps bring clarity
The night is welcoming
It's mine...
I trust this
I can't feel my legs
But I keep moving, I can't stop
Page 64
These marks are made in your honor tonight
Although you don't deserve to be here
Caught off-guard
I shed a tear
I bled your name
Alone in my fortress grieving
For times long gone
Scabs ripped off before healing
And I'm not sure where to go from here
Funny I'm the only one to care
You cleared your conscience
With a letter that you left there
I can't let you back in.
Page 66: "Glance Back (at a picture)"
That girl, she's dead...
A disconnected line...
I think I miss her...
Page 70: "PM"
These pills go down so softly
See, there's nothing to it
Isn't this familiar?
Isn't this so easy?
Oh my friend, you've been here before
You know how it goes
Close your eyes
Let the magic work
You know how it does
Don't be afraid, I locked the door
The evidence concealed
You're so smart
You're so stupid
Hide until you're healed.
Page 72
...And I can feel your hands on my wrist
Lovingly they trace
Every line that resides so shamefully
But you don't shrink away...
You squeeze my hand as I speak the words
To tell the story of that night...
I release my doubt.
Page 76
Someone murdered spring
She lies frozen and helpless
Under an ice veil
Page 78
I want to get away from you
I want to get away from me
I want to rip my heart out
And numbly watch it bleed.
I want to get away from you
I want to get away from me
I want to tear a hole in my throat
So you can hear me scream.
Pages 81-82
I wasn't good enough
You had something on the side
All I had to share was my heart
You had no use for that
Not when she let you inside
You cared not for my poetry
And nothing of my song
You sought to fulfill
Your selfish desires
Stringing me along
I stayed beside you
All the while you did drink
And angrily you'd return
An agenda and a fist
And I'd just let you hit me
Sooner or later I came to realize
That maybe this wasn't okay
Maybe I didn't deserve this
Maybe I should suffice
So I took back my heart and faded away.
Pages 83-84
It wasn't supposed to be this way
It faded too quickly
Like a -blank- nicotine high
A -blank- ride at the park
They have the nerve to point at you
And say it was your fault
For expecting so much out of life
This anticlimactic story
Is droning on
Drilling holes into my head
So much potential
Never reached
Dreams caged in jars
Never released
And it's your fault they suffocated
You're to blame
For all of these inadequacies
These cheap generic aspirations
A -blank- goodwill of futures
Pick through the leftovers
Of yesterday's inhibitions.
Page 88
The words you speak are so sweet
But they're starving me
Caught in the middle
Torn apart
I just want to be with you
I just want to trust
I want you to be here
When I open my eyes
Burn these lies
This blood is yours
You are the knife that cuts
I'm screaming inside this cage
Let me out so you can hold me
I want to feel you
And know this is true.
Page 91: "Camping"
Intoxicated
Drunk from your kiss
Your potent words
And this bottle
Under a sky, winking stars
Under a blanket, blinking hard
Your lips on my neck
You feel so good
Hold me
Your arms, wrapped secure
Your promises, I rest assured
You won't hurt me
All I have to fear is
Myself, and I am
Vulnerable.
Page 93
I've been having panic attacks at school, and the Safe-officer threatened to Baker Act me. My dad mentioned hospitalizing me to keep me from cutting. My head and body were shaking uncontrollably, then voices were screaming inside of my head on repeat. It's turned into a horrible nightmare. Please don't let anyone take me away. I'm supposed to see a psychiatrist. The latest are scissors and a butter knife from Panera.
Page 96
I'VE GOT YOU PINNED AGAINST THE WALL
YOUR HEART SHOULD BE
POUNDING
BUT I HEAR NOTHING
AT ALL.
Pages 99-104
You don't deserved to be touch, I don't want anyone to touch me I want someone to touch me what the -blank- do I want? I don't know I don't know -blank- marks you -blank-, couldn't you do any better than that? Oh, that's too messy. Look at him, he's crying. It's your fault, look what you did you stupid -blank-. How could you do that to me? You said just fifteen minutes, I was never in the picture, HOW DARE YOU! We never discussed this bug I can't breathe...yes you can, you can... Where are those words I ordered last week? Open the door! Open the door! (-blank- no) You picked it open you always do, pry it open, tsch nosy nosy... What the -blank- is privacy anyway? Don't ask me, my door won't shut now. (-blank-) Animal in a cage. Go ahead, point stare discuss me and my habits. I wouldn't understand. Flicker hints of flame snuffed out every time. I can't get the -blank- flame to stay! I hate this piece of -blank- lighter I hate it I hate it! -blank- you're crazy. Now, about those guitar lessons...play your heart out. I want to play my heart out...When everything's meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
It ends tonight.
He has broken my heart for the last time.
I'm sitting here on my bed crying my eyes out, and for what? Someone that didn't care about me or love me enough to give up what he thinks is crucial to have in his life? No. I'm crucial in his life. He needs me. Or at least, I was. Or at least, he did. Now Graham has another new girlfriend and we aren't getting together long distance ever again. And I need to understand that.
However, my mom has had the final straw and is emailing his mother to tell her to keep him away from me. Hopefully she'll also tell his mom about how I didn't just have sex with James, I also slept with Graham and was sleeping with Graham and doing sexual things with Graham before James. But that's up to her.
So tonight is about me trying to stop all of this crazy stuff. I want someone that can commit, someone that loves me unconditionally and would do anything to be with me no matter the situation. I want someone that can listen when I need to talk and someone that can open up to me so I can listen. I want the real Graham, the guy I know he really is, but I get now that he isn't that guy right now. If we're meant to be together, it'll happen on its own accord. But that isn't going to get in the way of my life.
If he contacts me and begs me to take him back and tells me that his parents will allow us (the parents thing only applies if we're still living apart) and basically everything he's ever needed to say, then we'll be together. But I'm not pushing anymore, and because why? Because, sometimes, you have to know that he's just not that into you.
However, if I don't hear from him, then I have to live as though he never existed (except for recognizing we had a child together). I'll have to live like we were never together, that I was never in a long distance relationship and the only person I've had sex with was James. I'll have to regret every single thing Graham and I ever did together, including being together, because I'm tired of feeling like I want to die or rip my skin apart from cutting it.
I realize now that I never told you guys about our daughter, Ryanna. We conceived her in the summer of '09, and just about a month later I miscarried. I had an inert feeling the child I lost was a girl, and like we had planned with our firstborn daughter we called her Ryanna (Ry for short). She's the only thing I'm willing to remember, because I love and miss her so much. But that's it, because she's all that's worth missing.
I want him to want us, but right now he doesn't want us, and so I won't want us either. I'm not spending another second waiting and hoping for something that we both don't want.
I'm done talking about what happened. I'm finished discussing Graham and all of his entirety. It's over. The tears, the suicidal thoughts, the misery; it all ends tonight.
James: thank you for being there when he wasn't. I'll love you always for that (don't worry darlin' I mean that in a sisterly way).
Love,
Caitlyn
I'm sitting here on my bed crying my eyes out, and for what? Someone that didn't care about me or love me enough to give up what he thinks is crucial to have in his life? No. I'm crucial in his life. He needs me. Or at least, I was. Or at least, he did. Now Graham has another new girlfriend and we aren't getting together long distance ever again. And I need to understand that.
However, my mom has had the final straw and is emailing his mother to tell her to keep him away from me. Hopefully she'll also tell his mom about how I didn't just have sex with James, I also slept with Graham and was sleeping with Graham and doing sexual things with Graham before James. But that's up to her.
So tonight is about me trying to stop all of this crazy stuff. I want someone that can commit, someone that loves me unconditionally and would do anything to be with me no matter the situation. I want someone that can listen when I need to talk and someone that can open up to me so I can listen. I want the real Graham, the guy I know he really is, but I get now that he isn't that guy right now. If we're meant to be together, it'll happen on its own accord. But that isn't going to get in the way of my life.
If he contacts me and begs me to take him back and tells me that his parents will allow us (the parents thing only applies if we're still living apart) and basically everything he's ever needed to say, then we'll be together. But I'm not pushing anymore, and because why? Because, sometimes, you have to know that he's just not that into you.
However, if I don't hear from him, then I have to live as though he never existed (except for recognizing we had a child together). I'll have to live like we were never together, that I was never in a long distance relationship and the only person I've had sex with was James. I'll have to regret every single thing Graham and I ever did together, including being together, because I'm tired of feeling like I want to die or rip my skin apart from cutting it.
I realize now that I never told you guys about our daughter, Ryanna. We conceived her in the summer of '09, and just about a month later I miscarried. I had an inert feeling the child I lost was a girl, and like we had planned with our firstborn daughter we called her Ryanna (Ry for short). She's the only thing I'm willing to remember, because I love and miss her so much. But that's it, because she's all that's worth missing.
I want him to want us, but right now he doesn't want us, and so I won't want us either. I'm not spending another second waiting and hoping for something that we both don't want.
I'm done talking about what happened. I'm finished discussing Graham and all of his entirety. It's over. The tears, the suicidal thoughts, the misery; it all ends tonight.
James: thank you for being there when he wasn't. I'll love you always for that (don't worry darlin' I mean that in a sisterly way).
Love,
Caitlyn
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