Not the desperate type...

You know what's terrifying? The moment when you realize you don't care if you lived or died.

It's not like how I was before, when I actually thought about how to die. There are just moments, more frequently occurring than they have been in the not-too-distant past. The pressure is back, too. That pressure in my chest I get from a broken heart. It's funny; they say emotions are all in the brain, just neurons firing. But then why does my heart feel so heavy? And it's not like last time, where I lost the person I thought was the love of my life. And it's not because of the sky being cloudy, because while it's cold (which I love), the sky's a light blue. I'm not fighting with any of my friends. There's no bad in my life. So why am I like this?

After the Mitchell thing the other day, the pain came back. Then I got stupid and creeped on Blair's Facebook. And then I read Graham's old Twitter. Then I stopped and tried to do homework, and I don't know I just got really sad. I was really sad earlier last week too but it went away. Now it's been the third consecutive day I feel like this. But back to the other day. I instantly dropped really low, lower than I've been in a really, really long time. I cried myself sick. I debated between washing my face and changing to go workout or just shower, but I knew if I got in the shower at that point the urge to cut was too strong. And I felt too exhausted (inside and out) to do anything athletic. So, I had myself a dilemma. TJ was at work, Chels was at work, Jenna was at work. No other real-life friends to call. So I tweeted, and texted Hannah (Trick), to little avail (she did text me a few minutes later, but at the time it felt like forever). And right as I was about to jump in the shower, Tiernan (met him on Twitter through Patrick Stump, we've been talking ever since. He lives in Ireland) tweeted me about getting on Skype. We talked for almost an hour, and I felt a bunch better so that by the time I showered, I left unscathed. It truly amazes me that he called, since it was almost midnight his time (he's five hours ahead), but I'm thankful regardless.

That was probably the worst day I've had in a very long time. Hardest to get through without doing something about it. But I did it. And no, I'm not the desperate type, but when I need help and know I need help, I'm not above asking for it. Because as much as I love helping people, and as much time I devote to helping them, sometimes I need a little help too. And now I know there's at least one or two people who are fail-safes, who not only are there no matter what but completely and totally understand this.

As of this moment in time, I'm feeling okay, but throughout today it was pretty bad. But not like Monday night. I just want to finish out the week because then it's Thanksgiving break, and I don't have school for nine days (total. only one school week off though). I'll get reacquainted with Sleep. Maybe write a bit. Who knows.

Love,
Caitlyn