"Bye."

No I'm not leaving this blog yet.

I never thought in a million years that it'd hurt this bad for someone to say "bye" to me. And it sucks.

I've been trying to see Mitchell in person to say some things. Things like"I'm sorry" and "I'd like to start over as friends." Shit like that. And he's been going back and forth from "I kiss you so much" to "I don't want anything to do with you" to "hunn" to "Caitlyn." And today it was "Caitlyn."

I'm sorry I want to apologize and have wanted to FOR YEARS. I'm sorry that two other people I've loved dearly left my life without closure, and that makes me need some kind of closure (or friendship) with him. But come on.

So just now I tried to get him to come to Starbucks with me and study. Catch up. Get reacquainted. But naturally right now he's against it. I decided to confront him instead of let it go because frankly I'm tired of letting things go. I'm tired of watching people leave for no reason and without proper information. I'm tired of losing people I care about.

After much confrontation, I said what's in the picture (I'm posting this from my phone so I don't know where the picture will be but it's on this post somewhere). And I haven't gotten a response. But I'm lying in my bed, debating what to do. Homework? Feel sorry for myself? Sleep? Workout? Long hot shower? I feel like I did whenever I heard from Graham. Stomach knots and nausea and hot flashes. You know, bad nerves. I hate that I know he's mad and not talking to me, just like Graham isn't talking to me. Like Jimmy isn't talking to me

Guess I gotta learn to accept things as they are. Accept what I cannot change. I can't force him to meet me and talk. I can't force him to stop being angry. But I apologized and I meant it. And maybe I'll hear from him again. I don't know (he hasn't deleted me yet). I'll be okay if I don't though. It's something I'm used to now.

As I'm lying here, for some reason on the brink of tears, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I don't want TJ and me becoming like this. Never. I refuse to let it.

Love,
Caitlyn