The first time I saw Patrick Stump live, I met a girl in line named Hannah. Petite, a little younger than me. Together we pushed our way to stage front, and I made sure she was in front of me because a) she was shorter than me and b) I recall that night being her first concert. It was quite the intimate bonding experience, and after Patrick got off stage, we waited around together, jointly attempting (and failing) at convincing our respective parent to stay a little longer so we could meet him because we just KNEW he was going to come out any minute. We wouldn't really find out. And when we left, we didn't know anything about each other than each other's names. She didn't have Twitter at the time, and we didn't get phone numbers. But about a month or less later, she made herself a Twitter and found me. We've been friends ever since.
Naturally, there's more. We shared much in common. Our love for Fall Out Boy. Our outlook on the world. Our mental health. Our indulgence in self-harm. And all of that together only brought us closer. For over a year now, I've been one of her go-tos; you know, someone you know you can go to without a doubt for anything, and she's been one of mine. I like to think that I've helped her out of some pretty tough situations, situations that if left without help could have led to things she couldn't take back. While there's no such thing as a "cure" for all of this, for everything that's "wrong" with us, there is such a thing as feeling better. Because each day we don't succumb to that darkness inside of us is one more good day under our belts.
She's going through so much right now. None of which I'm sharing out of her right to privacy, and it's not my story to tell. But I will say that it's all very hard, harder than I've ever gone through. That's the truth.
For you, because I know you're reading: no matter how bad things get, no matter how much you're struggling and think it's hopeless, no matter how much you want to give up, no matter the times you give in to that terrible addiction, I will always be there. Understand that. I'm not going anywhere. You could never annoy me. You could never scare me off. You're the sibling I never had, and I love you. I see so much of myself in you. But just know I'm here.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Not the desperate type...
You know what's terrifying? The moment when you realize you don't care if you lived or died.
It's not like how I was before, when I actually thought about how to die. There are just moments, more frequently occurring than they have been in the not-too-distant past. The pressure is back, too. That pressure in my chest I get from a broken heart. It's funny; they say emotions are all in the brain, just neurons firing. But then why does my heart feel so heavy? And it's not like last time, where I lost the person I thought was the love of my life. And it's not because of the sky being cloudy, because while it's cold (which I love), the sky's a light blue. I'm not fighting with any of my friends. There's no bad in my life. So why am I like this?
After the Mitchell thing the other day, the pain came back. Then I got stupid and creeped on Blair's Facebook. And then I read Graham's old Twitter. Then I stopped and tried to do homework, and I don't know I just got really sad. I was really sad earlier last week too but it went away. Now it's been the third consecutive day I feel like this. But back to the other day. I instantly dropped really low, lower than I've been in a really, really long time. I cried myself sick. I debated between washing my face and changing to go workout or just shower, but I knew if I got in the shower at that point the urge to cut was too strong. And I felt too exhausted (inside and out) to do anything athletic. So, I had myself a dilemma. TJ was at work, Chels was at work, Jenna was at work. No other real-life friends to call. So I tweeted, and texted Hannah (Trick), to little avail (she did text me a few minutes later, but at the time it felt like forever). And right as I was about to jump in the shower, Tiernan (met him on Twitter through Patrick Stump, we've been talking ever since. He lives in Ireland) tweeted me about getting on Skype. We talked for almost an hour, and I felt a bunch better so that by the time I showered, I left unscathed. It truly amazes me that he called, since it was almost midnight his time (he's five hours ahead), but I'm thankful regardless.
That was probably the worst day I've had in a very long time. Hardest to get through without doing something about it. But I did it. And no, I'm not the desperate type, but when I need help and know I need help, I'm not above asking for it. Because as much as I love helping people, and as much time I devote to helping them, sometimes I need a little help too. And now I know there's at least one or two people who are fail-safes, who not only are there no matter what but completely and totally understand this.
As of this moment in time, I'm feeling okay, but throughout today it was pretty bad. But not like Monday night. I just want to finish out the week because then it's Thanksgiving break, and I don't have school for nine days (total. only one school week off though). I'll get reacquainted with Sleep. Maybe write a bit. Who knows.
Love,
Caitlyn
It's not like how I was before, when I actually thought about how to die. There are just moments, more frequently occurring than they have been in the not-too-distant past. The pressure is back, too. That pressure in my chest I get from a broken heart. It's funny; they say emotions are all in the brain, just neurons firing. But then why does my heart feel so heavy? And it's not like last time, where I lost the person I thought was the love of my life. And it's not because of the sky being cloudy, because while it's cold (which I love), the sky's a light blue. I'm not fighting with any of my friends. There's no bad in my life. So why am I like this?
After the Mitchell thing the other day, the pain came back. Then I got stupid and creeped on Blair's Facebook. And then I read Graham's old Twitter. Then I stopped and tried to do homework, and I don't know I just got really sad. I was really sad earlier last week too but it went away. Now it's been the third consecutive day I feel like this. But back to the other day. I instantly dropped really low, lower than I've been in a really, really long time. I cried myself sick. I debated between washing my face and changing to go workout or just shower, but I knew if I got in the shower at that point the urge to cut was too strong. And I felt too exhausted (inside and out) to do anything athletic. So, I had myself a dilemma. TJ was at work, Chels was at work, Jenna was at work. No other real-life friends to call. So I tweeted, and texted Hannah (Trick), to little avail (she did text me a few minutes later, but at the time it felt like forever). And right as I was about to jump in the shower, Tiernan (met him on Twitter through Patrick Stump, we've been talking ever since. He lives in Ireland) tweeted me about getting on Skype. We talked for almost an hour, and I felt a bunch better so that by the time I showered, I left unscathed. It truly amazes me that he called, since it was almost midnight his time (he's five hours ahead), but I'm thankful regardless.
That was probably the worst day I've had in a very long time. Hardest to get through without doing something about it. But I did it. And no, I'm not the desperate type, but when I need help and know I need help, I'm not above asking for it. Because as much as I love helping people, and as much time I devote to helping them, sometimes I need a little help too. And now I know there's at least one or two people who are fail-safes, who not only are there no matter what but completely and totally understand this.
As of this moment in time, I'm feeling okay, but throughout today it was pretty bad. But not like Monday night. I just want to finish out the week because then it's Thanksgiving break, and I don't have school for nine days (total. only one school week off though). I'll get reacquainted with Sleep. Maybe write a bit. Who knows.
Love,
Caitlyn
Monday, November 12, 2012
"Bye."
No I'm not leaving this blog yet.
I never thought in a million years that it'd hurt this bad for someone to say "bye" to me. And it sucks.
I've been trying to see Mitchell in person to say some things. Things like"I'm sorry" and "I'd like to start over as friends." Shit like that. And he's been going back and forth from "I kiss you so much" to "I don't want anything to do with you" to "hunn" to "Caitlyn." And today it was "Caitlyn."
I'm sorry I want to apologize and have wanted to FOR YEARS. I'm sorry that two other people I've loved dearly left my life without closure, and that makes me need some kind of closure (or friendship) with him. But come on.
So just now I tried to get him to come to Starbucks with me and study. Catch up. Get reacquainted. But naturally right now he's against it. I decided to confront him instead of let it go because frankly I'm tired of letting things go. I'm tired of watching people leave for no reason and without proper information. I'm tired of losing people I care about.
After much confrontation, I said what's in the picture (I'm posting this from my phone so I don't know where the picture will be but it's on this post somewhere). And I haven't gotten a response. But I'm lying in my bed, debating what to do. Homework? Feel sorry for myself? Sleep? Workout? Long hot shower? I feel like I did whenever I heard from Graham. Stomach knots and nausea and hot flashes. You know, bad nerves. I hate that I know he's mad and not talking to me, just like Graham isn't talking to me. Like Jimmy isn't talking to me
Guess I gotta learn to accept things as they are. Accept what I cannot change. I can't force him to meet me and talk. I can't force him to stop being angry. But I apologized and I meant it. And maybe I'll hear from him again. I don't know (he hasn't deleted me yet). I'll be okay if I don't though. It's something I'm used to now.
As I'm lying here, for some reason on the brink of tears, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I don't want TJ and me becoming like this. Never. I refuse to let it.
Love,
Caitlyn
I never thought in a million years that it'd hurt this bad for someone to say "bye" to me. And it sucks.
I've been trying to see Mitchell in person to say some things. Things like"I'm sorry" and "I'd like to start over as friends." Shit like that. And he's been going back and forth from "I kiss you so much" to "I don't want anything to do with you" to "hunn" to "Caitlyn." And today it was "Caitlyn."
I'm sorry I want to apologize and have wanted to FOR YEARS. I'm sorry that two other people I've loved dearly left my life without closure, and that makes me need some kind of closure (or friendship) with him. But come on.
So just now I tried to get him to come to Starbucks with me and study. Catch up. Get reacquainted. But naturally right now he's against it. I decided to confront him instead of let it go because frankly I'm tired of letting things go. I'm tired of watching people leave for no reason and without proper information. I'm tired of losing people I care about.
After much confrontation, I said what's in the picture (I'm posting this from my phone so I don't know where the picture will be but it's on this post somewhere). And I haven't gotten a response. But I'm lying in my bed, debating what to do. Homework? Feel sorry for myself? Sleep? Workout? Long hot shower? I feel like I did whenever I heard from Graham. Stomach knots and nausea and hot flashes. You know, bad nerves. I hate that I know he's mad and not talking to me, just like Graham isn't talking to me. Like Jimmy isn't talking to me
Guess I gotta learn to accept things as they are. Accept what I cannot change. I can't force him to meet me and talk. I can't force him to stop being angry. But I apologized and I meant it. And maybe I'll hear from him again. I don't know (he hasn't deleted me yet). I'll be okay if I don't though. It's something I'm used to now.
As I'm lying here, for some reason on the brink of tears, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I don't want TJ and me becoming like this. Never. I refuse to let it.
Love,
Caitlyn
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Winding Down
Today's been a really bad day. I don't know if it was because I was late getting out the door, spilling coffee all over myself, realizing I had nowhere near enough gas to get me to or from school (and so I had to scrape up enough money for a gallon. maybe), or barely making it to school on time, but it just was. And then everyone at school was fucking ridiculous and all my teachers were in really bad moods and just UGH. You know, one of those days.
Then today's election day and I'm terrified Romney will be elected over Obama. While I understand that his ideas and plans and promises mean nothing without congressional approval, to have a leader of my country who doesn't believe in women's rights, universal (low cost too) healthcare, marriage equality, the importance of educators, and easy access in students loans is absolutely ridiculous and unacceptable. These are the issues that speak to me, but those aren't the only ones that ensure me that Obama will do a better job in his second term than Romney in his first. This is 2012, not the Cold War! But not according to Romney's foreign policy. And yes, we need jobs, our unemployment is high, and Romney will create more numerically but NOT enough quality. Because there are too many college graduates, skilled workers, and people with other types of job experience to work on construction sites and in factories. We don't need to focus on manufacturing anymore. On an unrelated note, Obama's cooler. Any presidential candidate who can be easily made fun of to the point of pedophilia references should not be elected.
And then Mitchell's back. Earlier last week I was having coffee with Jenna and Chelsi (who's friends with Mitch on Facebook) and she showed me that "17 minutes ago" he was single. And so I impulsively decided to "friend" him again (in case I didn't post it last time, he unfriended me a few months ago because his girlfriend at the time didn't like him coming on to me). Within 2 minutes he accepted it, and we talked a couple days after. Then he confided in me all the problems he was having and his new [bad terrible addictive] habits, and then the other day when I tried to set a date to have coffee and talk about things he said it was a bad idea, not explaining why, and he hasn't said anything since. Like, seriously? I just want to help the poor kid. I feel terrible for what I did to him (even though it was nearly four years ago), and I've always wanted to make up for that. But he's never let me, not then and apparently not now. But while he hasn't talked to me, he has yet to unfriend me (yet again), so I don't even know what to think. It's just ridiculous.
Then TJ was supposed to come over after he ran some errands today but before he went to the polls (he turned 18 this past Saturday). By the time I got the text message from him saying he wasn't coming, today was already shot. And him not being here isn't any better. I'm just tired. Done. I recognize that this could just be the day but yesterday was kinda like this too. I'm ready for this year to be over. I'm ready for December 15 so I can hear from Rochester, because I'm terrified that I won't get in despite how in love I am with it. I'm scared to death that I'm going to be stuck here in Florida at least for the next six years because I hate it here for so many reasons. I'm ready to leave and it's a very real possibility that I won't be able to for awhile.
But some good news. Not only has TJ been accepted into IIT (Illinois Institute of Technology), but he received a scholarship totaling $100,000 ($20,000 per year for five years)! I could not be more excited and proud for him. That's his top choice university, and he's going to be able to go. It's amazing. Love that I get to share this with him. My only wish is that I can soon share his excitement with some of my own.
Anyway. Better go. Just tired.
Love,
Caitlyn
Then today's election day and I'm terrified Romney will be elected over Obama. While I understand that his ideas and plans and promises mean nothing without congressional approval, to have a leader of my country who doesn't believe in women's rights, universal (low cost too) healthcare, marriage equality, the importance of educators, and easy access in students loans is absolutely ridiculous and unacceptable. These are the issues that speak to me, but those aren't the only ones that ensure me that Obama will do a better job in his second term than Romney in his first. This is 2012, not the Cold War! But not according to Romney's foreign policy. And yes, we need jobs, our unemployment is high, and Romney will create more numerically but NOT enough quality. Because there are too many college graduates, skilled workers, and people with other types of job experience to work on construction sites and in factories. We don't need to focus on manufacturing anymore. On an unrelated note, Obama's cooler. Any presidential candidate who can be easily made fun of to the point of pedophilia references should not be elected.
And then Mitchell's back. Earlier last week I was having coffee with Jenna and Chelsi (who's friends with Mitch on Facebook) and she showed me that "17 minutes ago" he was single. And so I impulsively decided to "friend" him again (in case I didn't post it last time, he unfriended me a few months ago because his girlfriend at the time didn't like him coming on to me). Within 2 minutes he accepted it, and we talked a couple days after. Then he confided in me all the problems he was having and his new [bad terrible addictive] habits, and then the other day when I tried to set a date to have coffee and talk about things he said it was a bad idea, not explaining why, and he hasn't said anything since. Like, seriously? I just want to help the poor kid. I feel terrible for what I did to him (even though it was nearly four years ago), and I've always wanted to make up for that. But he's never let me, not then and apparently not now. But while he hasn't talked to me, he has yet to unfriend me (yet again), so I don't even know what to think. It's just ridiculous.
Then TJ was supposed to come over after he ran some errands today but before he went to the polls (he turned 18 this past Saturday). By the time I got the text message from him saying he wasn't coming, today was already shot. And him not being here isn't any better. I'm just tired. Done. I recognize that this could just be the day but yesterday was kinda like this too. I'm ready for this year to be over. I'm ready for December 15 so I can hear from Rochester, because I'm terrified that I won't get in despite how in love I am with it. I'm scared to death that I'm going to be stuck here in Florida at least for the next six years because I hate it here for so many reasons. I'm ready to leave and it's a very real possibility that I won't be able to for awhile.
But some good news. Not only has TJ been accepted into IIT (Illinois Institute of Technology), but he received a scholarship totaling $100,000 ($20,000 per year for five years)! I could not be more excited and proud for him. That's his top choice university, and he's going to be able to go. It's amazing. Love that I get to share this with him. My only wish is that I can soon share his excitement with some of my own.
Anyway. Better go. Just tired.
Love,
Caitlyn
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