"Change, will come, oh..."

It's been brought to my attention that I appear "changed" to Hannah, a very good friend of mine who I met at my first solo Patrick Stump show.

Prior to striking up a friendship with Anna, I'll admit I was an absolute, crazy, head-over-heels fangirl. Patrick Stump was my guilty pleasure since the summer before seventh grade. My room had (and still has) two signed albums from FOB and Patrick, respectively, in a shadow box and multiple Patrick-related memorabilia pinned on my clusterfuck corkboard. I adored fanfiction, often times stayed up into the wee hours of the morning to read it and write it. My boyfriends would compare my love for them with mine for Patrick. My heart would beat really fast whenever I saw a Twitter DM notification, because I only used to get DMs from Patrick. On Tumblr, I reblogged anything and everything to do with him, commenting on a select few of the items. Hannah and I shared all that together.

I like to think when I became friends with Anna that I was already transitioning out of the whole crazy fangirl thing. I'm sixteen, going off to college in a year, and my priorities had somewhat shifted away from the fanbase into practical things, like maintaining my grades and my relationship with TJ and researching for colleges and doing homework. I can definitely say without a doubt I was no longer obsessive or stalker-esque.

To address specifically what exactly was brought to my attention, I don't think I'm better than anybody. My relationship with Anna is separate, at this point, from Twitter altogether. I hardly even tweet anymore because my phone app is messed up, and when I don't reply to mentions it's because I'm not confident I can keep the conversation, because I feel terrible when I can't keep it up constantly. I talk to the people I go to school with, and TJ, because those aren't conversations, those are streams of thoughts. And I do like Patrick still, but it's different now. I understand that he's not perfect and just a normal person like all of us, though that's not to say I'm not still a fan of his music, which I am. There's a huge difference between being a fan and a fangirl.

I'll admit, when I first read these things, I was like "-rolls eyes- You've got to be kidding me." Then I realized that Hannah had a point. Of course I seemed like I changed for the worse because I'd a) never explained myself and b) basically "disappeared" over night. I was in the wrong, and I still am. I could sit here and make excuses all day for what I've done, but I won't. I need to make efforts with friends, that no matter how long a conversation or what it's about that I'll do what I have to do to change her mind about me. That's on me, and I have to fix it. I will fix it.

Hannah, when you read this, I'm sorry if it seemed like I thought I was better than you, or was ignoring you, or that I deserted you, or anything. I love you to death, and even when I wasn't talking to you on Twitter I still read your tweets and I worried about you every day. Reset?

Love,
Caitlyn