Saying Goodbye

While my high school career still has a year to go, I have friends who graduate and attend college in the next few months.

We all remember Jimmy, if you've read this blog from 2010. He's been in my life since seventh grade; that's longer than any one of my other friends, including Chelsi. Back then, I acknowledged that this day would come, but it felt so far away. Now it's here, staring me in the face, and I haven't really known what to feel/say/do about it. He has a girlfriend (who happens to be one of my friends and TJ's former crush; she liked him too), and I won't step on their toes. He's going to FSU, not too far away but far enough. I won't have time to see him over the summer much, if at all, not to mention that, again, I don't want to step on his relationship's toes. It hasn't hit yet that he'll be gone, and there's a good chance I'll never see him again after this year.

He's been there for me through everything, and I really mean everything. He's my damn rock. And we're scarily alike. I've worried about saying anything of the sort, out of fear that it'll be awkward and further fuel him to not talk to me when he leaves for school in July. He's told me before (though this was years ago) not to tell him you miss him, because then he'll feel bad about not missing you because chances are he'll be enjoying himself. But then out of the blue on Facebook (he finally caved and got one), he messages me and asks if we're going to stay in touch when he leaves; then he says that he'd like to. I can't help but smile at that: here is this guy, we've had a pretty rough relationship over the last five years, I've been told by him that he doesn't care about me (two years ago but still), I watched him grow up [some], and now here he is telling me that I'm one of the people he doesn't want to leave behind. Wow.

Not reading into it. I grew up, too. I'm not that pre-teen and immature girl I was when we met. And I think he knows that, just like I know he isn't who he used to be either. And now here we are, him turning 18 the day after I turn 17, and we're planning a joint birthday party as a final get-together of sorts. Just us, our significant others, and a close friend each. Gather around and do whatever because, well, YOLO (yes that just happened). I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited.

Speaking of "YOLO," that brings me to Mitchell. While he's in the grade behind me, I have to say goodbye to him too, but not in the same way. Ever since we started talking again, he went straight back into the whole "Cait I love you, I still want you to be my first, let's get together" thing. I'll admit: at first I thought "He's never going to get over me, I might as well see the kid," but then "What the fuck are you thinking? Doing that will make him more attached not less, and you have TJ, and you don't even Mitchell like that anyway." I approached the situation to him logically by bringing his girlfriend into it; he told me he loved her and that he didn't want to lose her, so I asked why he couldn't have his first with her. He continued insisting that he wanted it to be me. After that, I haven't really talked to him since. Not ignoring him, I just don't have anything else to say in texts. What I have to say needs to be in person: "Mitchell you have to move on. This isn't okay. We aren't kids anymore. I have someone and so do you. There was a time I wanted to be with you, but that was a long time ago. I'm sorry." I've said that over texts many times, and it apparently never got through, so I have to say it in person or over the phone. But he never calls/accepts my calls, and when I suggest meeting for coffee he keeps saying "We probably won't see each other after that, so any time we meet we should use it for sex." I can't keep doing this with him. He held a decent place in my life, and I want him to be happy, but I can't sleep with him to make him happy. I just can't.

I have to say goodbye.

Love,
Caitlyn