I had a boyfriend (see "Him" part 1), and I decided to spend part of my summer at Duke TIP. I wasn't planning on finding what I got, only that I wanted to learn and be away from my family.
First day of classes before mandatory breakfast, all us TIPsters were outside Davidson College's dorms by the cafeteria. I'd really bonded with my hallmates, and since some of us were in the same class we grouped talking together. I briefly turned away from the conversation and let my eyes wander, and there he was: about fifteen feet away, shoulder-length brown hair, tanned skin, dark blue shirt, tan cargo shorts, kinda chubby but definitely possibly cuddly. This was no simple observation, however: the second I saw him, I felt my heart skip beats, and immediately noticed how nervous I was. Like the creep I was at 13, I couldn't stop staring. I felt like, something was supposed to happen with us, even though I didn't know what. All I was sure of was that I'd never felt that way before. Eventually, my friend Marni noticed, and by the time we gathered together inside for breakfast she'd found out his name: Graham. Throughout the day, I couldn't quit thinking about him or that I really wanted to go to the dance with him the following Saturday, but I was equally terrified of rejection and technically cheating on my boyfriend. He found out my name due to my devious friends, and by the end of the second session of classes following lunch I knew I had to find him. I roomed on the third floor, he in the basement, and together with Marni we set out to find him. I got up the courage to knock on his door, and since we weren't allowed in rooms of the opposite sex he came out in the hall to join me. I awkwardly shook his hand. Time: 7/14/08, 4:46 PM (by his approximation).
"Hi, I'm Luna."
"I'm Graham."
"You know that's not my real name, right?"
"Yeah I kind of figured, but it suits you." -awkward silence-
"So uhm, I was wondering if, uh, you wanted to go to the dance with me on Saturday night."
"Sure."
I didn't have time to find out what "Sure" meant before Marni dragged me up three flights of stairs to make our meeting for dinner on time. Paranoid, I made her find out, and it turns out sure meant yes. Graham and I didn't speak until the following day at free time, when I made my phone calls to family and my boyfriend. Naturally, Jimmy didn't pick up when I called so I left a message. My mom wanted to chat a little, and so I did. Five minutes into it, Graham came outside where I was, and because I wanted to talk with him I hung up on my mother after a hurried good-bye. I caught him before he went back inside. We spent the remaining time walking around outside and talking, about anything and everything. It became a ritual of ours for the rest of the three weeks, to talk or hang out during free time. We also made it a point to coordinate our evening activities together.
Almost four years later, the details are a little hazy, so the rest is a blur. We slow danced, we hugged a lot, held hands, cuddled. We were basically the perfect relationTIP. Our first kiss, his very first kiss, happened when we were standing together in my hallway while we were parting ways for some activity or other. We'd hugged, like we usually do, but then we lingered. We mumbled a few words, and then I leaned in and kissed him. It was sweet and innocent, everything a first kiss should be, and everything I was back then. There were more kisses just like it. We took tango lessons, hung out at reading, and he let me briefly dress him as a girl for transexual day. I was content with someone being here with me for me and not my turbulent past, for not knowing that I had someone else back home. I laughed at his lip sync performance of "Love Shack," and we were close during the last dance of the program. Afterwards, we exchanged grateful phrases of the time together, emails, and phone numbers. Since we lived ten hours apart, I figured we were "over," but would still be friends. We said goodbye that night, kissed sweetly like we usually did, and then I didn't see him. My mom had come to pick me up, and I was gone very early the next day. He called after I'd gone, asking to see me, but we weren't going back.
Over the next month, we talked on the phone some, since I didn't have texting yet, but I was busy trying to make Jimmy care. I falsely told him I felt bad about my so-far fling with Graham, and a bunch of other really desperate things, but 6 months into our relationship he left me for high school. Then Graham and I moved into using AIM to talk, and we never stopped. He quickly became my best friend, or at least that's what I considered him. We were on the phone one day in September, and somehow got to the topic of my bra size, and he said something akin to "I think it's weird we're discussing my girlfriend's bra size." Girlfriend. The word terrified me. Were we together? We hadn't talked about it, but I made it a point to eventually. Soon enough I got texting, and it was time to visit my dad's house for another weekend. No rules, I stayed up late and woke up when I pleased. One Friday night, Graham and I spent the whole night texting, from 6PM to 1AM. I had my portable DVD player showing some Fall Out Boy-related movie, and I was writing some story or other. The conversation wasn't particularly memorable until we started talking about what I was writing about: teen pregnancy. Thinking it'd freak him out but test our relationship, I told him about it. We got into that topic more, and I revealed that all I wanted was to be a young mom; he responded with his dream to be a young dad. We told each other our ideas for baby names, and thus began our plot to be teen parents.
By this time, we talked every day, for the better part of 24 hours. He knew everything about me, from how I used to cut myself to how I'd been dating someone else at the time of our meeting; he was actually flattered by this. The original plan to get pregnant was over spring break of eighth grade (yes, I'm thoroughly aware we were crazy), then married on our one year together. When I told my mom I was in a long distance relationship, she was hesitant, but eventually she supported it. Our first visit since TIP landed during winter break. We counted down to the day, and it wasn't as if my mom and I flew to Raleigh: we had to drive the 10 hours there, which we broke up into half and half every day for driving, making a girls' weekend out of it. I didn't know what to feel: would we still be as passionate about each other as we'd been over the phone? Am I enough? There wasn't a question, though, as we pulled up to his house and I saw him come out the garage door: we started walking towards each other, and halfway through I broke into a full-out run, ending in a tight, "never let me go" hug. It felt right, perfect. I met his parents, who I liked and I believe liked me, and before the remainder of the day we had together we went on a walk, he and I. We were determined to make love at his "happy place" by Lake Johnson, but the whole time we tried to get there, we couldn't stop making out; our first french kisses. We were close to having me undressed when we realized we had to get back to catch a movie with my mom. For our combined Christmas-6 month gift, he gave me a necklace with two hearts linked together, and I gave him a white dress shirt and a few mix CDs I made. When we left, I cried, the first time in a terribly long time. I knew then I was absolutely head over heels.
Following our disappointment at not being able to conceive was Valentine's Day: I sent him candles, since he liked them, and I received chocolate truffles, a silk flower wreath in the shape of a heart, and a beautifully written card, most of which he wrote himself. We made a vow then that we'd spend the next Valentine's Day together (more on that in the next part). Then we planned for spring break, since we shared the same days off from school. He'd be driving with his dad down to Florida, and I was ecstatic to have them there. They were to meet my father and grandmother, not to mention the rest of my family. He was only staying for a couple or three days, but it was better than the 24 hours we had in Raleigh. We went even further in our relationship: he felt me up, and I gave him a handjob over his pants. His mother made a beautiful stained glass piece of a rose, which Graham gave to me (I still have it hanging in my room).
During this time, I was in a band at a local music lessons store as the only girl. Both the drummer and bassist had crushes on me, and being in a committed relationship I wasn't interested in doing anything. However, I was absolutely intrigued. My being the singer/rhythm guitarist in this mostly-boys band caused strain in my relationship with Graham, but we were fine. For awhile.
As we planned for our one-year together at TIP, I got really involved in the band. Drummer Weston was thoroughly annoying, as was our guitarist, and so bassist Mitchell (yes, THAT Mitchell) and I really bonded. But we went to where we shouldn't have gone, and I regret hurting both Graham and Mitchell the way I did. It caused a brief, shall we say, hiccup in our relationship that we quickly overcame, but he never trusted Mitchell with me again, and being in the band still caused plenty of issues between us. We fought fairly often over AIM, text, phone, and now Skype, courtesy of Graham's dad for Christmas (we both got webcams).
Fast forward to my birthday. I don't remember anything special about it in regards to Graham except that we'd wanted to see each other for both my birthday and dance recital, which didn't work out (until the following year...). All I cared about at that point was wasting time until TIP came around, signifying our one-year anniversary. We were still as child/family crazed as ever, but I was excited about seeing him. For the occasion, I'd written a three-page poem outlining my experience with him (I believe I posted it awhile back?), and I knew he had some kind of surprise for me but I wasn't really sure what. We'd had a few fights months back about me wanting us to get promise rings so that even when we weren't physically together, people would still know we were spoken for, and so I kinda figured that maybe that's what it would be.
So I get to my second year of TIP, with swine flu running rampant, and Graham and I are inseparable. I despised my music history class, because I had been fooled into thinking it wouldn't be about the actual technical side of music. We had our one year the second day of classes, and like the year before we tried to coordinate our evening activity and made sure we spent free time together when possible. On 7/14/09, we were walking around the quad and talking. I'd given him my poem earlier, to which he kissed me and told me he loved it. We kept walking until we were under this huge tree, roots sticking out all over the ground. It was fairly secluded from the other TIPsters but still in the designated areas we were allowed to be. All of a sudden, we're talking about how far we've come in a year and how we had so many hopes for where we want to go in our relationship and he gets down on one knee, pulls a blue box out of his pocket and opens it. Inside is a small but perfectly modest solitaire diamond ring, thin white gold band. And he asks me in this cool, confident voice, like it's the most natural thing he could be saying "Caitlyn Holly, will you marry me?" I hesitate, because I'm torn between jokingly saying no and bursting into euphoric hysteria. I opt in the end to tackle him, carefully, to the ground and kiss him all over before saying yes. I remember how it felt on my finger, like it belonged there. And despite all the hardship of distance that we had faced and how many more issues faced us in the coming future, we were at peace. Tranquil. Happy.
TIP was cut short due to me catching swine flu within the first few days, and I was promptly sent home. Our goodbye for the time was a kiss on the forehead and a hug outside of the room where I was being evaluated for quaranTIP. I wouldn't see him for a few more months.
Cue the start of high school, and what we thought was the countdown to our wedding day of 7/14/2013. Little did we know our perfect world was about to come crashing down around us.
To be continued...
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