Got my license. Hell yes.
Family drama, so I'm babysitting my mom's cousin's toddler grandson. I love it. He's so full of energy, so unaware of the world falling apart around him. His Gigi comes home, in tears, wondering how she's going to make it with her daughter (his mom), her finances, herself. She and I talk all the time though, and I'm becoming wiser as I listen to all of these issues, so I won't make the same mistakes, and then learn the right thing to do.
TJ and I decided that, the summer after senior year, we'd like to spend about a month in Europe together, jockeying between Italy and France. We're saving now, as it's expensive, and when the time comes to plan we'll see what money's like. The plan is, though, one week in each city: Paris, Nice, Venice, and Rome. I'm beyond excited. Worst case, if we break up between now and then, there's money saved for whatever we may then want.
As of late, I regressed to the '08 me. The one who listens to [fucking amazing] music, the one who plays guitar [like a boss], the one who writes, the one who obsesses over celebrities, and the one who, well, cuts. I've been lower than usual, and with no way to explain it I can't fix it. I won't deny how good it feels afterwards, how for an instant I don't think about anything else, but it's hurting TJ because he thinks it means he isn't good enough. And that alone kills me, because he's all that's good in my life right now. He's the one making me smile every day, the one I look forward to talking to. Without him, I [probably] wouldn't be here. But I've made sure he knows what he does for me, regardless of if I think I deserve his kindness and perfection.
Not much else. I have double hickeys on my neck, one on each side. Not fading. My right upper thigh hurts when I move. I got into a Rochester summer program, class for the AM being Extended Essay Writing for IB and PM is Photography: How to Tell a Story. It's only for a week but that doesn't lower my excitement any.
Love,
Caitlyn
Thursday, June 23, 2011
To Blair,
I only wish you could read this.
I hope you know if I were there, I'd be trying everything I could to be with Graham. I also hope you know I'm sorry if, he told you, I hurt you by pursuing him last winter when you two were together. In my defense, in my eyes, he was still mine and I had a chance. Also, I hope you know that you two won't last when he goes off to school; in case you haven't noticed, he's bad with distance (wasn't before, but now is a different story).
I don't know why you hate me, why you think I'm "psycho," but I don't judge you. I don't hate you or dislike you; I don't know you, thus it's unfair to make perceptions about you. When I texted a girl Graham cheated on me with, I was respectful because I didn't know her, and so you have no grounds on which to hate me. I wish you'd find the place inside yourself to stop hating me, as, again, you don't know me. Off of that, I hope you equally find it in yourself, when you stop disliking me, to allow Graham to talk to me if he wants to. Controlling a boy, especially him, won't get you anywhere.
Also, some hints (whether or not you need/want them). Love his family and appreciate them. They are perfect, especially his mom. Don't control Graham, don't break promises you made to him, don't lie to him. Most important of all is don't hurt him, regardless of how much the hurt is or the reason why or what exactly caused the hurt in the first place. No matter what, he doesn't deserve it. He is an amazing, well-rounded guy, a guy any girl would be lucky to have. I was incredibly lucky to have him for two years, and I was a fool for letting myself fuck it up over and over again. Never take him for granted, because he could have anybody at the drop of a hat but he chose you.
---Caitlyn (or Luna, depending on who you feel better knowing me as)
I hope you know if I were there, I'd be trying everything I could to be with Graham. I also hope you know I'm sorry if, he told you, I hurt you by pursuing him last winter when you two were together. In my defense, in my eyes, he was still mine and I had a chance. Also, I hope you know that you two won't last when he goes off to school; in case you haven't noticed, he's bad with distance (wasn't before, but now is a different story).
I don't know why you hate me, why you think I'm "psycho," but I don't judge you. I don't hate you or dislike you; I don't know you, thus it's unfair to make perceptions about you. When I texted a girl Graham cheated on me with, I was respectful because I didn't know her, and so you have no grounds on which to hate me. I wish you'd find the place inside yourself to stop hating me, as, again, you don't know me. Off of that, I hope you equally find it in yourself, when you stop disliking me, to allow Graham to talk to me if he wants to. Controlling a boy, especially him, won't get you anywhere.
Also, some hints (whether or not you need/want them). Love his family and appreciate them. They are perfect, especially his mom. Don't control Graham, don't break promises you made to him, don't lie to him. Most important of all is don't hurt him, regardless of how much the hurt is or the reason why or what exactly caused the hurt in the first place. No matter what, he doesn't deserve it. He is an amazing, well-rounded guy, a guy any girl would be lucky to have. I was incredibly lucky to have him for two years, and I was a fool for letting myself fuck it up over and over again. Never take him for granted, because he could have anybody at the drop of a hat but he chose you.
---Caitlyn (or Luna, depending on who you feel better knowing me as)
Dearest Graham,
You know our story. I don't need to waste time or space in this "letter" telling it to you. You know how I felt, you know the good and bad times, you know me. And I know you.
I'll start by saying how sorry I am for the things I did. For cheating on you, for controlling you, for not trusting you, for every terrible thing I did to you, especially when you didn't do anything to deserve it. But, in credit to me, you know as well as I do that if the distance never existed, those problems would NEVER have existed either. And we'd still be together. Too many ifs, if you want to look at it that way, but I know the truth.
I wish I were okay with talking to you, with being friends, but I never will be. Those feelings will always be there, whether prominent or not, and I don't feel like hurting myself all over again. But I do want there to be open communication, of feeling okay enough with either of us just being able to talk to each other whenever we felt like. You were special to me, and there will always be a place for you in my heart, regardless if there's a place for me in yours.
It hurts you consider me just another ex, that you'd avoid me if I had gone to TIP this final summer. We enjoyed plenty of firsts together, we were closer than we'd ever been to anyone else, and for you to write me off like you have is...a plethora of negative adjectives/nouns.
As much as I hate to say it, I want to hear from you July 14th. I want to know if you're thinking about me, especially on that day. It would've been three years together, and it would've been hard to top the past two years in "gifts." It'd be worse for me emotionally if I didn't hear from you and therefore believe you didn't even remember me. Then again, if you honestly don't remember me on that day, then I guess it's for the best we've both moved on. However, considering you remembered my birthday, I find it unlikely for you to forget 7/14.
My mom, for whatever reason, has stockpiled my things of you in her room, including your boxers, and I've been debating sending them back. Probably will, but who knows. I might commence to do the planned burning instead.
I hope you talk to me, out of your own free will if you want to, but I understand if you don't talk to me because you aren't comfortable.
Sincerely,
Luna
I'll start by saying how sorry I am for the things I did. For cheating on you, for controlling you, for not trusting you, for every terrible thing I did to you, especially when you didn't do anything to deserve it. But, in credit to me, you know as well as I do that if the distance never existed, those problems would NEVER have existed either. And we'd still be together. Too many ifs, if you want to look at it that way, but I know the truth.
I wish I were okay with talking to you, with being friends, but I never will be. Those feelings will always be there, whether prominent or not, and I don't feel like hurting myself all over again. But I do want there to be open communication, of feeling okay enough with either of us just being able to talk to each other whenever we felt like. You were special to me, and there will always be a place for you in my heart, regardless if there's a place for me in yours.
It hurts you consider me just another ex, that you'd avoid me if I had gone to TIP this final summer. We enjoyed plenty of firsts together, we were closer than we'd ever been to anyone else, and for you to write me off like you have is...a plethora of negative adjectives/nouns.
As much as I hate to say it, I want to hear from you July 14th. I want to know if you're thinking about me, especially on that day. It would've been three years together, and it would've been hard to top the past two years in "gifts." It'd be worse for me emotionally if I didn't hear from you and therefore believe you didn't even remember me. Then again, if you honestly don't remember me on that day, then I guess it's for the best we've both moved on. However, considering you remembered my birthday, I find it unlikely for you to forget 7/14.
My mom, for whatever reason, has stockpiled my things of you in her room, including your boxers, and I've been debating sending them back. Probably will, but who knows. I might commence to do the planned burning instead.
I hope you talk to me, out of your own free will if you want to, but I understand if you don't talk to me because you aren't comfortable.
Sincerely,
Luna
Hey darlin',
Our story has been...crazy, to say the least. We've gone back and forth from friends to lovers more times than I can count, but every time was fun.
It's something I can count on with you, that you're fun. Exciting and enticing. And I enjoy being around you. I've been able to watch you grow and mature, watch you learn to love and care about someone, which is something I'm not taking for granted. You've helped me through the worst times of my life, and I'm eternally grateful for that. As a friend, you were more than I ever could have hoped for, and I only hope I've been as decent with you as you've been with me.
Through the years, and I like to believe you know this, I've been in love with you. It fluctuated as to the amount, but it was always there. It still is there. Last summer, when we were sexting, I was crazy about you, and it felt as though you reciprocated those feelings. When you told me how much you cared about me, how good you thought I looked, how much you'd wanted to be with me (and how much you disliked Graham for stealing me from you), and how much you wanted there to have been no Graham or Monika, it only intensified what I'd been feeling since the previous winter. And then, when in a matter of months neither of them were in our lives anymore, you told me that I was more of a sister to you; that hurt, more than you know. I cried. But, when this past spring came, it felt...right to be with you, despite knowing I was hurting someone I loved.
I don't know why I'm drawn to you, though I wish I did, but I do know that I need to learn to control it. Being with you, despite how perfect it feels for me (I won't speak for you), hurts people I love. And I hate that. I wish I were single at times like these, so that I could sort out my feelings for you on my own without worrying about other people, but I don't have that luxury anymore. I also can't not have you in my life, because you're a crucial piece to who I am. And now, with you leaving in a year from now for college, I don't know what I'll do, but I'm choosing to focus on now and not next year.
I wish you could read this, that I had the balls to text you and tell you what I've written. But I won't, at least not tonight. Maybe one day.
---Cait
It's something I can count on with you, that you're fun. Exciting and enticing. And I enjoy being around you. I've been able to watch you grow and mature, watch you learn to love and care about someone, which is something I'm not taking for granted. You've helped me through the worst times of my life, and I'm eternally grateful for that. As a friend, you were more than I ever could have hoped for, and I only hope I've been as decent with you as you've been with me.
Through the years, and I like to believe you know this, I've been in love with you. It fluctuated as to the amount, but it was always there. It still is there. Last summer, when we were sexting, I was crazy about you, and it felt as though you reciprocated those feelings. When you told me how much you cared about me, how good you thought I looked, how much you'd wanted to be with me (and how much you disliked Graham for stealing me from you), and how much you wanted there to have been no Graham or Monika, it only intensified what I'd been feeling since the previous winter. And then, when in a matter of months neither of them were in our lives anymore, you told me that I was more of a sister to you; that hurt, more than you know. I cried. But, when this past spring came, it felt...right to be with you, despite knowing I was hurting someone I loved.
I don't know why I'm drawn to you, though I wish I did, but I do know that I need to learn to control it. Being with you, despite how perfect it feels for me (I won't speak for you), hurts people I love. And I hate that. I wish I were single at times like these, so that I could sort out my feelings for you on my own without worrying about other people, but I don't have that luxury anymore. I also can't not have you in my life, because you're a crucial piece to who I am. And now, with you leaving in a year from now for college, I don't know what I'll do, but I'm choosing to focus on now and not next year.
I wish you could read this, that I had the balls to text you and tell you what I've written. But I won't, at least not tonight. Maybe one day.
---Cait
"Lying on His Back in Her Bed"
Something I wrote a couple days ago. It's been a work-in-progress for months but it's finally finished.
"There’s just something about him,
Something that she can’t leave behind.
Could it be his scarlet hair, his sky blue eyes,
Or the witty way he lied?
She always assumed he was a mistake,
Someone she could leave or take,
But soon she saw that he was more,
And she could feel him to her core.
'Hey darlin’, did you know?
I’ve never wanted you to go.
I need you here tonight,
Oh please never leave my side.'
He’d always been pleased with where they were,
No strings attached, he lived the dream.
But he’d gaze into her eyes, feel her hair,
And he knew things weren’t what they seemed.
Their story was unique,
The chance of an ending looking bleak.
They’d each fallen head-over-heels,
But she didn’t know how he feels.
'Hey darlin’, did you know?
I’ve never wanted you to go.
I need you here tonight,
Oh please never leave my side.'
For the night, her parents left her home alone
So he came over, and they made each other moan.
After, they knew what should be said,
And so, lying on his back in her bed,
He told her in the sweetest tone:
'Hey darlin’, did you know?
I’ve never wanted you to go.
I need you here tonight,
Oh please never leave my side.'
Darlin’, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Whao-oh-oh-oh-oh
(x2)"
"There’s just something about him,
Something that she can’t leave behind.
Could it be his scarlet hair, his sky blue eyes,
Or the witty way he lied?
She always assumed he was a mistake,
Someone she could leave or take,
But soon she saw that he was more,
And she could feel him to her core.
'Hey darlin’, did you know?
I’ve never wanted you to go.
I need you here tonight,
Oh please never leave my side.'
He’d always been pleased with where they were,
No strings attached, he lived the dream.
But he’d gaze into her eyes, feel her hair,
And he knew things weren’t what they seemed.
Their story was unique,
The chance of an ending looking bleak.
They’d each fallen head-over-heels,
But she didn’t know how he feels.
'Hey darlin’, did you know?
I’ve never wanted you to go.
I need you here tonight,
Oh please never leave my side.'
For the night, her parents left her home alone
So he came over, and they made each other moan.
After, they knew what should be said,
And so, lying on his back in her bed,
He told her in the sweetest tone:
'Hey darlin’, did you know?
I’ve never wanted you to go.
I need you here tonight,
Oh please never leave my side.'
Darlin’, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Whao-oh-oh-oh-oh
(x2)"
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
[Bitter]Sweet Sixteen
So much has been happening. And tomorrow is my sixteenth birthday.
Mom surprised me one random afternoon when Chels and TJ were over with my car. A 2007 Honda Civic. I named it Trick, after Patrick Stump (of course).
My mom found out I had sex a few weeks back, but since then she's mostly gotten over it. As have TJ's parents (which I fully expected). To prove my mother's having gotten over it, she consented to TJ and me going to the beach at Fred Howard for our five month anniversary. It was a perfect night, and while we promised no sex to my parents, we had to...improvise. Just as amazing as going all the way, but I won't go to saying sex is overrated.
With my birthday fast approaching, and my best friend and boyfriend planning what is appearing to be a huge surprise for this birthday, I can't help but think about Graham and last year. How he came to my family/friend birthday parties, how he came to recital. But that's long gone. I hope for this birthday, a huge milestone in my life, I can start fresh, even though I know I won't be able to until after July 14th of this summer (on which, TJ lovingly agreed to spend literally the entire day with me). I don't want to hear from Graham again. I don't. Not on my birthday, not on July 14th. Not unless 110% serious about me (and I know he never will be). A part of me would like to know if he'll think about me on those days, though. Only time will tell what happens. Besides, I love TJ, I really do, and he doesn't deserve half of a girlfriend.
Past two days, I've baked, all from scratch. Yesterday was homemade double chocolate brownies, and today was homemade moist yellow cake cupcakes. It feels really, really good to be back in the kitchen. Tomorrow though, I'm applying to jobs in my area, seeing that sixteen seems to be the magic age to apply. I'm also in Driver's Ed, and I'll be taking my road test for my license there so that next Saturday I can just walk in and get my license. It's pretty amazing. Also, I've been asked to attend and applied to a Pre-College program at the University of Rochester this summer, which happens to be one of the universities on my list. If I'm accepted, I'd be going to Rochester for a week of two classes, first picks being my AM to learn how to write my EE for IB and my PM class to learn about the art of photography.
My dance recital is this Saturday, and I'm ecstatic. TJ's coming, out of his own desire and not my pushing, which really warms my heart. He's exactly what I need, exactly what I want, and I can only hope that I'll be able to keep him around. It's been a long road since he found out that I cheated on him, but he seems to have completely forgiven me all on his own. And that's something I can't be thankful for enough. I learned from the last time, and this is never going to happen again.
Whilst watching (500) Days of Summer with Chels last week, she explained to me why Summer married another guy after explaining to the main male character that she didn't like relationships: "This guy was the guy that taught her that she wanted to be in a relationship and that she wanted to love. He just wasn't the right guy for her." That changed my outlook. Maybe Graham was the guy to teach me about love and the dynamics of a relationship, just like maybe I was the girl to teach him all that. And maybe we weren't meant to be together forever like we thought, but we were meant to have a part in each other's lives for a time, at least. Who knows what the future will hold, but I know for now, I want to be with TJ.
Despite the happiness in my life, I can't help the periods of depression. Depression so deep, I'm not myself. I worry that after dance, when I don't have to hide my skin anymore, that I'll start cutting again. I haven't cut in roughly seven months, but I feel the urges; they're stronger than ever. And who knows where that'll go. I tend to be unpredictable when it comes to this.
Time to go, I guess. I have pictures of Trick, of me, and of TJ and me on my Twitter.
Love,
Caitlyn
Mom surprised me one random afternoon when Chels and TJ were over with my car. A 2007 Honda Civic. I named it Trick, after Patrick Stump (of course).
My mom found out I had sex a few weeks back, but since then she's mostly gotten over it. As have TJ's parents (which I fully expected). To prove my mother's having gotten over it, she consented to TJ and me going to the beach at Fred Howard for our five month anniversary. It was a perfect night, and while we promised no sex to my parents, we had to...improvise. Just as amazing as going all the way, but I won't go to saying sex is overrated.
With my birthday fast approaching, and my best friend and boyfriend planning what is appearing to be a huge surprise for this birthday, I can't help but think about Graham and last year. How he came to my family/friend birthday parties, how he came to recital. But that's long gone. I hope for this birthday, a huge milestone in my life, I can start fresh, even though I know I won't be able to until after July 14th of this summer (on which, TJ lovingly agreed to spend literally the entire day with me). I don't want to hear from Graham again. I don't. Not on my birthday, not on July 14th. Not unless 110% serious about me (and I know he never will be). A part of me would like to know if he'll think about me on those days, though. Only time will tell what happens. Besides, I love TJ, I really do, and he doesn't deserve half of a girlfriend.
Past two days, I've baked, all from scratch. Yesterday was homemade double chocolate brownies, and today was homemade moist yellow cake cupcakes. It feels really, really good to be back in the kitchen. Tomorrow though, I'm applying to jobs in my area, seeing that sixteen seems to be the magic age to apply. I'm also in Driver's Ed, and I'll be taking my road test for my license there so that next Saturday I can just walk in and get my license. It's pretty amazing. Also, I've been asked to attend and applied to a Pre-College program at the University of Rochester this summer, which happens to be one of the universities on my list. If I'm accepted, I'd be going to Rochester for a week of two classes, first picks being my AM to learn how to write my EE for IB and my PM class to learn about the art of photography.
My dance recital is this Saturday, and I'm ecstatic. TJ's coming, out of his own desire and not my pushing, which really warms my heart. He's exactly what I need, exactly what I want, and I can only hope that I'll be able to keep him around. It's been a long road since he found out that I cheated on him, but he seems to have completely forgiven me all on his own. And that's something I can't be thankful for enough. I learned from the last time, and this is never going to happen again.
Whilst watching (500) Days of Summer with Chels last week, she explained to me why Summer married another guy after explaining to the main male character that she didn't like relationships: "This guy was the guy that taught her that she wanted to be in a relationship and that she wanted to love. He just wasn't the right guy for her." That changed my outlook. Maybe Graham was the guy to teach me about love and the dynamics of a relationship, just like maybe I was the girl to teach him all that. And maybe we weren't meant to be together forever like we thought, but we were meant to have a part in each other's lives for a time, at least. Who knows what the future will hold, but I know for now, I want to be with TJ.
Despite the happiness in my life, I can't help the periods of depression. Depression so deep, I'm not myself. I worry that after dance, when I don't have to hide my skin anymore, that I'll start cutting again. I haven't cut in roughly seven months, but I feel the urges; they're stronger than ever. And who knows where that'll go. I tend to be unpredictable when it comes to this.
Time to go, I guess. I have pictures of Trick, of me, and of TJ and me on my Twitter.
Love,
Caitlyn
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