Heart, Heart, Heartbreak

As it turns out, I wasn't the only one in the relationship with certain qualms.

In my post about TIP, I mentioned breaking up with Graham but still being friends with him and being able to visit him, considering he's a man that's hard to live without (aka impossible). Well, yesterday afternoon, we talked a little about things (I even brought up how I could go to his Homecoming dance and the plane tickets were cheap), and then we progressed to discussing our relationship. Graham said how he originally had thought that either we could be fully together or not at all, but then he brought up how I had [stupidly] brought up that "regardless of our situation I could be having a friends with benefits situation." This statement totally changed his point of view, and he went off saying how he can't trust me now and that now just isn't the right time for us and that "maybe we'll find each other again" or "maybe we can work again in the future." The word "maybe" is loaded; it gives false hope in a situation where the person that said it actually does not intend to do the thing(s) he/she said they'd do.

At first, all he could talk about were the trust issues we had and how he didn't exactly enjoy TIP with me, and then he went on to say this in our text conversation last night:

Graham: What if I wanted to date other girls? Or if I was considering suicide and was just doing this so you wouldn't be notified? How would we work it out then?

Me (after establishing that he wasn't suicidal): Okay... Are you thinking about dating other girls?

Graham: Not particularly, but I do want to live a more normal life.

Me: Oh. You could have said so though.

Graham: Alot of these things aren't premeditated.

Me: Does it really matter? After all I never really had a chance.

Graham: I'm sorry I gave you false hope

Me: I'm sorry I trusted you [with my heart, with everything I had, with my life]

Graham: I'm going to bed. Goodnight.


After about a half hour of just sitting there, I left a voicemail on his cell before I went to bed, saying how essentially all I wanted was for him to be happy and to live a happy life.

Is it sad and pathetic that even though he's made it clear to me he wants nothing to do with me at this time, I'm still sitting around and waiting for a call or text or something? Is it sad and pathetic that I'm terrified of telling my parents and my friends? Is it said and pathetic that, at this point, I would do anything just for him to take me back? I finally get what I thought I wanted, and now I just don't want it.

Late last night when I couldn't sleep [because I was crying too damn much], I texted James and asked him how he dealt with the Monika thing (considering it essentially mirrors my situation). He replied with "I actually wasn't sad after the first day. It felt like a relief. It was unhealthy the way I lived and died for her. I gave up happiness to please her. Once she left, so to speak, I was free to live for and love myself." I thanked him for the advice, and I wake up this morning actually thinking that I might be okay on my own. However, it comes with the price that I might find somebody else to love for the rest of my life and marry, because I am not going to sit around and wait for Graham to get over himself.

I end this post praying that I can heal, and praying that I can actually get work done today for school.

Love,
Caitlyn