Death and Disagreement

It's been awhile.

School has kept me very busy, and a conflict with my mother about the internet has had me stay away from blogging for awhile. But I'm back for at least the weekend.

On the Sunday after my last post, my mom had me call Graham to try and talk to him, because the night before he and I had talked and came to the conclusion that when we're done being teenagers, we'll talk. Well when I called, he actually picked up and talked to me, and with the advice of my mom I asked him to try and consider some kind of relationship between us, whether it was just friends or actually being together. He said he needed time to consider it, but we talked a little more about other things. School started for me, and when I came home from the first day he said he had his decision; it's on his most recent blog post.

Meanwhile, I'd been talking to James, which starting Sunday my mom told me I was "forbidden" to do so, and she trusted me with not texting or communicating with him in any way. I, of course, "disobeyed" and talked to him regardless of what she thought. Tuesday after school she was reading my messages over my shoulder while I was texting James, and she pretty much flipped the lid. A screaming match ensued, and at the end of it she changed my phone settings so that any non-approved numbers cannot text me and I can't text those numbers; phone calls are still let through. He and I have continued talking at school and messaging outside of school via YouTube. It's exhausting, but worth it. He recently earned his license and brought home a car, and he had an idea to eventually use that to our advantage but we'll have to wait and see. Sometimes we don't see things the same way, but there really isn't anything I can do about that.

A couple of days ago, my mom got a call from my former dance teacher Miss Gina, saying that one of my friends Matthew's (whose youngest sister takes dance classes) dad passed away this past Monday, and his mom asked that Miss Gina call my mom and have Mom and me attend the funeral, which was today. The service had quite a few people in attendance, and his mom was barely holding it together. I also know both of his sisters, and so I said hi to them and hugged them in addition to Matthew. The pastor that led the service said quite a few sweet things, and when it was my row's turn to view the body I was on the verge of breaking down. On the way out, I hugged Danielle (one of the girls; she was crying alot), Lauren (the other girl and the youngest; she didn't really seem to...understand fully), their mother Diane (she was,again, barely holding it together), and lastly Matthew (he wasn't showing much emotion). When my mom and I left, quite a few things finally registered with me. One, their father was essentially a Mr. Mom and did everything involving the kids and the home. Two, Matthew got his name from his dad (a Sr. and Jr. situation I hadn't known about). The hardest of these registerings was that while all of the people attending that service today are going to go home and live their normal lives, Matthew's family will go home to a fatherless, "inhumanely clean" house. I just messaged Matthew and told him to call me or contact me if he wants to talk or hang out or something, anything I can do to help. While I have no way of knowing what's going on in his mind, I know he's hurting and I really want to help in any way I can.

On an unrelated note, I haven't really been acting like myself lately; I've been overly irritable and "low," and I feel like nothing can make me feel better. The confusing part is that I can't pinpoint the reason why, because I know it's not a result of the funeral. It's just one of those situations where you don't want to talk, and you'd rather have someone just hug you.

Love,
Caitlyn