Observation on Crack

I have a theory.

I've seen his previous girlfriends and past partner interests and not to be...cruel but none of them are that pretty. To a girl, looks are everything and they like to feel good-looking. If a guy gives them the time of day and acts as though he loves her, she'll give him anything and everything he asks.

In seventh grade when we went out, I hated the way I looked, and I wanted to change. Then he came along, made me feel like I was his everything (to a certain degree), and I didn't want him to leave. Six months later, he went to high school, for "better" things (I'd bet now he was thinking he'd have a better chance at getting laid), and left me behind as a mess. I cried on the phone for a very long time, and then afterwards I cried even more (now I know it wasn't worth the tears).

If I'm right, Jimmy (at least on a subconscious level) takes girls that believe they're crap (or other people make them feel this way), treats them like gold to get what he wants, and then when he's through or wants something better, he'll drop them to the dirt, trash-layered floor. Think that's pretty good?

I understand that my memory of stupid, meaningless details is insane (while things that actually matter get wiped out in a matter of seconds), and there's a lot of very peculiar things that get said here, so with that out in the open I'd like to go ahead and talk about details that I notice without even trying.

He holds her the same. And there's this neck thing that he does; it's just his hand on the back of your neck, usually over hair, with fingers seemingly trying to tickle you but failing. What sucks, on every single level (and what I want so badly to get away from), is that it hurts.

It shouldn't; I know that it shouldn't hurt. After all, I used him didn't I ("Him" parts 1 and 2)? But seeing him every day, passing by him in the halls and my annoying radar for him kicking into gear whenever I need to be doing something else, is driving me insane. There's this stabbing feeling in my chest, triggering my "fight or flight" response, that makes me want to cry and run as far away as I possibly can. I know this is immature, I know this is melodramatic, and I know this makes me sound crazy, but maybe I am. Maybe I am crazy.There is more to this, but for a different post, a different day.

I remember feeling so much better in eighth grade, being with Graham and not having to even think about Jimmy or the past or anything like that. I felt healed from that breakup, from all the emotional things I had to go through. I was able to focus on my work, my friends, my family, and Graham, but now it's like I do everything in my power just to avoid him, and if being around him is inevitable, then I keep my head held high and breathe. But that's not working anymore and I have no idea what to do.

What may be causing this is something that is impossible to get rid of: feelings. No I am not emotionally attached, no I am not in love with him, but I do love him, in the purest sense of the word. I care about him, what happens to him, and logic screams at me to not do any of this and just turn that piece of me off, but I'm not that indifferent. I can't turn my emotions off. Yes, I can turn them down like volume, but there isn't an on/off switch. So, until he graduates or drops out, or one of us moves, or (God forbid) one of us dies, I am stuck in the epitome of hell.

Love,
Caitlyn