On May 14, 2010, I purchased my silver ring after the SRT event and became a virgin again while promising to save myself for my future husband. But there's more to the story.
There, we learned very, very much about what happens when you do give yourself up premaritally; this was restated this morning at church in our Best Sex Ever series. Because sex is both a spiritual and physical thing, for every person you have sex with and then don't end up with as a husband or a wife they take a piece of you with them, and you have a piece of them, too. Forever. And you can never get it back.
Graham was amazing sexually, and it started the monster inside of me (or the devil) that craved more and more and more sex, and I couldn't turn off these thoughts, that temptation. Hence sleeping with my ex boyfriend and my one-time deal with Mitchell in January. But when I slept with Jimmy, he just took a bigger part of me than he had already had from us being together; Mitchell has one too, but a difference between the two of them is that Mitchell, to a degree, cares about me, and Jimmy has made it overly obvious that he couldn't care what happened to me and if I was on fire he wouldn't piss to put me out (like my Fall Out Boy lyric reference?). I have a piece of both them, and I care about them, too. Feeling hurts, but I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
Anyway, this weekend at church has opened my eyes to why I'm feeling the way I do about the people that have hurt me the most in my life; even though I did this all to myself and most likely deserve both of them tearing me apart, I want them to care and I want them to at least be civil and, although is this a huge stretch, understanding. Love sucks, doesn't it?
Sex ruined my life; it really did. It wasn't that I gave my virginity away to the wrong person, but it was given away at the wrong time in my life with Graham. We should have waited until we were married for most of the sexual things, and now we get that second chance in the eyes of God. I feel like if I hadn't slept with Jimmy, I'd still be having sex with Graham and risking getting caught by our parents to never see each other until we were adults. I wouldn't be religious in the slightest, and I'd be a complete wreck. If it wasn't for Jimmy reappearing in my life, in such a dramatic way, I'd be like any other teenager. But I don't want to be that way. So in a way, I thank Jimmy for letting me go so far with him, which started the domino effect that led to me becoming a virgin again and a real Christian.
Regardless of this second chance with God, there will be urges and temptation to stray away from the Lord's intended path for me; I'm still the same girl that loves passionate make-out sessions that have bodies pushed up so close together it's hard to breathe, but I think I have the willpower now to resist all of this until I can be married. The purity ring is a constant reminder not only of what I've been through and what I've put Graham through, but of what I can never do again and the promises I've made.
Please learn from what I've said so far about sex; this blog has to be good for something and I want you all to know what sex has done. There is no such thing as casual sex, there cannot be anything good that comes from more than one sexual partner in your premarital life. Please, don't make these same mistakes. Forget all the religious stuff if you don't believe, but think about all the other girls and boys that regret having sex so early. I got lucky in that I didn't pick up an STD or an unplanned pregnancy (I won't even say unwanted), but another girl or boy might not be. So please, don't become the majority of teenagers. For those of you that might not be virgins anymore, please drop sex and wait. It may feel stupid or hopeless to wait, but the hardship is worth it, I promise.
Love,
Caitlyn
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