Stop.

I wish I could forget.

My one-year with TJ is tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to it. We're spending the day together, just like we did a year ago except we're spending it out on the town. Can't wait.

But that's not what I want to stop. I want to stop the feelings I get when anything to do with Graham comes up. My heart races. I start to get warm. My stomach becomes slightly uneasy. I've had enough.

It's been a year! One full year of him not sharing anything romantic at al whatsoever with me. One full year of him with her. One full year of me with TJ. I shouldn't feel like this! I should be able to talk about him normally, if I choose to talk about him at all. I should be okay completely with him and her together. I should be over him.

I had this dream last night where we slept together, and I would have given anything to dream about something else. Yes, the sex was mind-blowing, like our one time in the movie theater but so much more, but a dream like that is the LAST thing I need.

New Year's Eve I had a tarot reading. My question, because my mom never shuts up about it: "What's going to happen with Graham?" From face-down shuffled cards I drew, first, the past: a girl looking off into the distance over a river (rivers are emotions) with wands (wands symbolize connections and commitment). It summed up my past with Graham well. Then I drew the present card: a provocative queen of cups holding onto the cup with both hands while looking off into the distance. Basically, cups are imagination and emotion and commitment, and to have the queen of cups also sums up the present: to have someone and be committed to him but also looking away to the past. Next comes the future: the knight of pentacles. Essentially, it said that I'll get the answer to my question with hard work and determination (like with school and college, perhaps?). I then chose a guide card to help me achieve this future: the six of pentacles. Since my mom had chosen this card as her present card (it also has a gypsy woman on it), we interpreted it to mean she's my guide. Then I went for an obstacle card: a reversed Towers. Normally, Towers are just scary and intimidating, but reversed it means imprisonment, oppression, and tyranny.

If tarot ends up true, then the answer to "What's going to happen with Graham" will line up with what my mom believes (that we aren't over) once I go to college (which will sort out itself), but our obstacle will be our relationships with other people.

That, together with the dream, is driving me mad and I want to shut it up. Anyone have any ideas on how to forget? No? Fuck.

I told him I needed that damn coffee "date" but he didn't do it. I do hope he's happy, because I still care about him and I want what's best for him but I just wish I fit in there somehow besides an ex he could care less about. I don't understand why I feel this and he doesn't feel it in the slightest. I've done the same things he has since we broke up. Not the same results.

As much as I want to be able to be done and not think about him ever and just be at peace and finally get over what happened, every time I do that something happens to mess with me. So I'll just wait and see. I'm a firm believer in the mantra "Everything happens for a reason." If I wasn't, I'd be dead by now.

Love,
Caitlyn