This blog is my story. It represents what this campaign is all about. And I'm proud of how far I've come.
I don't cut anymore. I have no desire to become a drug addict or a constant drunk. I no longer want to die. It took time, but I can see the bright side in my life. I have my best friend. I have quality friends at school who don't judge me. I have a boyfriend who I'm positive will miss me a lot when I go away for a month this summer. I can picture a happy, healthy future all by myself. I love myself, finally, after years of trying to convince myself of needed to change.
Please help people who aren't so lucky. Donate to http://gulfhighstorytellers.stayclassy.org
Love,
Caitlyn
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Breakdown (but not broken...)
After much internal debate and questioning of my peers, I decided to contact Graham for the first time in two months. The first call went straight to voicemail. That was going to be it. Then I asked TJ, who said I should call again the next day. I did. In response, I got a media message from Graham that was ultimately "unable to be retrieved." I asked, "Hello?" to that, and after ten minutes I fell asleep. I woke up to a message from his girlfriend asking "don't you have a boyfriend of your own to stalk?" on my phone and this on Facebook:
"Hey, the reason I am not going to talk to you is because it makes Blair uncomfortable, and unlike you while we were dating I'm going to abide by my significant others wishes. one of the only fights I've had with her was when she found out that I had been talking to you, which I thought was harmless conversation but she saw as going behind her back. The whole time I couldn't stop thinking about how mad I got when you would talk to you ex's without telling me, especially when I had specifically told you not to. Another thing is the message that you sent me last November. That crossed the line. I'm not going to start that kind of drama. I love Blair and that isn't changing. the bottom line is that I would love to be friends if you could keep it at that and if it didn't cause problems, but that is likely never going to happen because I plan on staying with Blair the whole ride. Have a good evening, Bye Caitlyn"
Since he blocked me on Facebook, I responded with this via text when I woke up (5:30ish):
"I'm sorry it came to this. I'm sorry she thinks I'm stalking you, because there's more to this than that. Bottom line for me is I want you to be happy. And over the past year whenever we talked however brief you expressed an interest in keeping contact with me until she became involved. Not blaming her, though. I know what that side is like, too. I would love to be friends, because I don't believe in burning bridges, but if that can't happen, I have to accept it. There's a million things I'd like to get off my chest that only you hearing them would solve, but if that can't happen either then I need to accept that too. Again, bottom line, you need to be happy. And if she makes you happy, then I wish you two the best. I hope your life, in the present and future, is all you want it and need it to be."
No response until nearly 1pm:
"Can you do me a favor? Stop popping up like this. It causes problems in my life that I really want to avoid. I don't want to talk to you, and I will never be involved with you romantically or otherwise, regardless of my relationship status. I was over you over a year ago, and I suggest you do the same"
I was reeling with a mixture of many emotions. Confusion, anger, sadness, hurt. My friends were telling me to tell him "Fuck you" amongst numerous other...mean things. But I didn't want to fight dirty. It was important to me, as it remains important to me, to keep things civil, regardless of how upset he gets or how annoyed his girlfriend gets. So I typed this back:
"You have led me to believe that you wanted to talk. You wanted to be Facebook friends in September. You told me you visited where you proposed to me. You agreed it was a good idea we see each other. You asked my advice while you were at TIP. You were friendly. You said you cared. Don't pretend none of that happened in the last 12 months. I do not want a romantic relationship. I just want an OPEN DOOR for some type, any type of us getting along. I find it hard to believe with how upset you get with me that you're over our relationship. But fine, Graham. I'll stop popping up."
Now hours later, nothing, not that I expected anything. Because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm right in at least half of that message, and I know that the post about my shrinking their relationship is at least partially true as well. He can deny it however he wants, so long as he's happy and not giving me hell. It hurt this morning. I cried in the shower for awhile instead of actually getting ready. Now it's just kinda almost laughable. Poor things. I feel so much better now! Just better not have any unwelcome dreams...
Funny how "American Pie" by Don McClean was playing the whole time while I posted this.
Love,
Caitlyn
"Hey, the reason I am not going to talk to you is because it makes Blair uncomfortable, and unlike you while we were dating I'm going to abide by my significant others wishes. one of the only fights I've had with her was when she found out that I had been talking to you, which I thought was harmless conversation but she saw as going behind her back. The whole time I couldn't stop thinking about how mad I got when you would talk to you ex's without telling me, especially when I had specifically told you not to. Another thing is the message that you sent me last November. That crossed the line. I'm not going to start that kind of drama. I love Blair and that isn't changing. the bottom line is that I would love to be friends if you could keep it at that and if it didn't cause problems, but that is likely never going to happen because I plan on staying with Blair the whole ride. Have a good evening, Bye Caitlyn"
Since he blocked me on Facebook, I responded with this via text when I woke up (5:30ish):
"I'm sorry it came to this. I'm sorry she thinks I'm stalking you, because there's more to this than that. Bottom line for me is I want you to be happy. And over the past year whenever we talked however brief you expressed an interest in keeping contact with me until she became involved. Not blaming her, though. I know what that side is like, too. I would love to be friends, because I don't believe in burning bridges, but if that can't happen, I have to accept it. There's a million things I'd like to get off my chest that only you hearing them would solve, but if that can't happen either then I need to accept that too. Again, bottom line, you need to be happy. And if she makes you happy, then I wish you two the best. I hope your life, in the present and future, is all you want it and need it to be."
No response until nearly 1pm:
"Can you do me a favor? Stop popping up like this. It causes problems in my life that I really want to avoid. I don't want to talk to you, and I will never be involved with you romantically or otherwise, regardless of my relationship status. I was over you over a year ago, and I suggest you do the same"
I was reeling with a mixture of many emotions. Confusion, anger, sadness, hurt. My friends were telling me to tell him "Fuck you" amongst numerous other...mean things. But I didn't want to fight dirty. It was important to me, as it remains important to me, to keep things civil, regardless of how upset he gets or how annoyed his girlfriend gets. So I typed this back:
"You have led me to believe that you wanted to talk. You wanted to be Facebook friends in September. You told me you visited where you proposed to me. You agreed it was a good idea we see each other. You asked my advice while you were at TIP. You were friendly. You said you cared. Don't pretend none of that happened in the last 12 months. I do not want a romantic relationship. I just want an OPEN DOOR for some type, any type of us getting along. I find it hard to believe with how upset you get with me that you're over our relationship. But fine, Graham. I'll stop popping up."
Now hours later, nothing, not that I expected anything. Because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm right in at least half of that message, and I know that the post about my shrinking their relationship is at least partially true as well. He can deny it however he wants, so long as he's happy and not giving me hell. It hurt this morning. I cried in the shower for awhile instead of actually getting ready. Now it's just kinda almost laughable. Poor things. I feel so much better now! Just better not have any unwelcome dreams...
Funny how "American Pie" by Don McClean was playing the whole time while I posted this.
Love,
Caitlyn
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Resolution.
Finally, ten days after the start of the new year, I have a New Year's Resolution: to find myself again.
Since the beginning of high school, I've slowly lost parts of who I am. I've given up writing, reading, anything involving music, and my sanity. Yesterday was my last day off of school for winter vacation, and I had a breakdown on the phone with TJ. I cried for a long time, saying how I hated IB and that I wanted to get out and I needed to find who I was again. In time and a shower, I got over it, but that's when I realized this resolution.
I've been broken. I've stopped doing so much that makes me, well, me. And I have to change that, if not for common sense and reason then for the sake of owning my teenage years. I need to change back into who I am.
It's my goal to do something for ME every day; not for school, not for my family, not for my friends, not for TJ. And I will do it.
Love,
Caitlyn
Since the beginning of high school, I've slowly lost parts of who I am. I've given up writing, reading, anything involving music, and my sanity. Yesterday was my last day off of school for winter vacation, and I had a breakdown on the phone with TJ. I cried for a long time, saying how I hated IB and that I wanted to get out and I needed to find who I was again. In time and a shower, I got over it, but that's when I realized this resolution.
I've been broken. I've stopped doing so much that makes me, well, me. And I have to change that, if not for common sense and reason then for the sake of owning my teenage years. I need to change back into who I am.
It's my goal to do something for ME every day; not for school, not for my family, not for my friends, not for TJ. And I will do it.
Love,
Caitlyn
Monday, January 2, 2012
Stop.
I wish I could forget.
My one-year with TJ is tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to it. We're spending the day together, just like we did a year ago except we're spending it out on the town. Can't wait.
But that's not what I want to stop. I want to stop the feelings I get when anything to do with Graham comes up. My heart races. I start to get warm. My stomach becomes slightly uneasy. I've had enough.
It's been a year! One full year of him not sharing anything romantic at al whatsoever with me. One full year of him with her. One full year of me with TJ. I shouldn't feel like this! I should be able to talk about him normally, if I choose to talk about him at all. I should be okay completely with him and her together. I should be over him.
I had this dream last night where we slept together, and I would have given anything to dream about something else. Yes, the sex was mind-blowing, like our one time in the movie theater but so much more, but a dream like that is the LAST thing I need.
New Year's Eve I had a tarot reading. My question, because my mom never shuts up about it: "What's going to happen with Graham?" From face-down shuffled cards I drew, first, the past: a girl looking off into the distance over a river (rivers are emotions) with wands (wands symbolize connections and commitment). It summed up my past with Graham well. Then I drew the present card: a provocative queen of cups holding onto the cup with both hands while looking off into the distance. Basically, cups are imagination and emotion and commitment, and to have the queen of cups also sums up the present: to have someone and be committed to him but also looking away to the past. Next comes the future: the knight of pentacles. Essentially, it said that I'll get the answer to my question with hard work and determination (like with school and college, perhaps?). I then chose a guide card to help me achieve this future: the six of pentacles. Since my mom had chosen this card as her present card (it also has a gypsy woman on it), we interpreted it to mean she's my guide. Then I went for an obstacle card: a reversed Towers. Normally, Towers are just scary and intimidating, but reversed it means imprisonment, oppression, and tyranny.
If tarot ends up true, then the answer to "What's going to happen with Graham" will line up with what my mom believes (that we aren't over) once I go to college (which will sort out itself), but our obstacle will be our relationships with other people.
That, together with the dream, is driving me mad and I want to shut it up. Anyone have any ideas on how to forget? No? Fuck.
I told him I needed that damn coffee "date" but he didn't do it. I do hope he's happy, because I still care about him and I want what's best for him but I just wish I fit in there somehow besides an ex he could care less about. I don't understand why I feel this and he doesn't feel it in the slightest. I've done the same things he has since we broke up. Not the same results.
As much as I want to be able to be done and not think about him ever and just be at peace and finally get over what happened, every time I do that something happens to mess with me. So I'll just wait and see. I'm a firm believer in the mantra "Everything happens for a reason." If I wasn't, I'd be dead by now.
Love,
Caitlyn
My one-year with TJ is tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to it. We're spending the day together, just like we did a year ago except we're spending it out on the town. Can't wait.
But that's not what I want to stop. I want to stop the feelings I get when anything to do with Graham comes up. My heart races. I start to get warm. My stomach becomes slightly uneasy. I've had enough.
It's been a year! One full year of him not sharing anything romantic at al whatsoever with me. One full year of him with her. One full year of me with TJ. I shouldn't feel like this! I should be able to talk about him normally, if I choose to talk about him at all. I should be okay completely with him and her together. I should be over him.
I had this dream last night where we slept together, and I would have given anything to dream about something else. Yes, the sex was mind-blowing, like our one time in the movie theater but so much more, but a dream like that is the LAST thing I need.
New Year's Eve I had a tarot reading. My question, because my mom never shuts up about it: "What's going to happen with Graham?" From face-down shuffled cards I drew, first, the past: a girl looking off into the distance over a river (rivers are emotions) with wands (wands symbolize connections and commitment). It summed up my past with Graham well. Then I drew the present card: a provocative queen of cups holding onto the cup with both hands while looking off into the distance. Basically, cups are imagination and emotion and commitment, and to have the queen of cups also sums up the present: to have someone and be committed to him but also looking away to the past. Next comes the future: the knight of pentacles. Essentially, it said that I'll get the answer to my question with hard work and determination (like with school and college, perhaps?). I then chose a guide card to help me achieve this future: the six of pentacles. Since my mom had chosen this card as her present card (it also has a gypsy woman on it), we interpreted it to mean she's my guide. Then I went for an obstacle card: a reversed Towers. Normally, Towers are just scary and intimidating, but reversed it means imprisonment, oppression, and tyranny.
If tarot ends up true, then the answer to "What's going to happen with Graham" will line up with what my mom believes (that we aren't over) once I go to college (which will sort out itself), but our obstacle will be our relationships with other people.
That, together with the dream, is driving me mad and I want to shut it up. Anyone have any ideas on how to forget? No? Fuck.
I told him I needed that damn coffee "date" but he didn't do it. I do hope he's happy, because I still care about him and I want what's best for him but I just wish I fit in there somehow besides an ex he could care less about. I don't understand why I feel this and he doesn't feel it in the slightest. I've done the same things he has since we broke up. Not the same results.
As much as I want to be able to be done and not think about him ever and just be at peace and finally get over what happened, every time I do that something happens to mess with me. So I'll just wait and see. I'm a firm believer in the mantra "Everything happens for a reason." If I wasn't, I'd be dead by now.
Love,
Caitlyn
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