Mitchell

We were bandmates. I was their singer and rhythm guitarist, Weston was our drummer, Taylor (later Lauren) our lead guitarist, and Mitchell was the bassist. Being in a band was probably some of the most fun I had ever had; it gave me the chance to live single again. I joined the Ramblin' Rhodes (where I was taking guitar lessons) band in February 2009.

First practice was just Weston and me, our song for the upcoming show being "Dyer Maker" by Led Zeppelin, and we were trying to get my chords down with his drum beat. I was eager to meet the other bandmates, to practice with them considering the show was in a couple of weeks. I got lucky the next Friday night, since we all had gotten together at last to practice. No microphone, I had to essentially scream out those God-awful lyrics and figure out what I was playing and stay in time with the others. Taylor had no idea what he was doing, seeing as he was the youngest of us (though Weston was the least mature), and it seemed like the only other serious one besides me was Mitch. Nine thirty that night rolled around, and my dad picked me up for his weekend; we tried to exchange numbers but I was in a hurry to get to bed so I told Weston to give Taylor and Mitch my cell number (he knew both my house and my cell); I expected calls from everyone to tell me when in the world we were going to practice next. We were so awful that we needed every little minute we could get.

All we could muster was a little half hour check right before the show, and we epically failed "Dyer Maker," but we also played "Seven Nation Army" by the White Stripes, so it wasn't a total loss. After performing, we decided to go out on the plaza that surrounded Ramblin' Rhodes, deciding on Five Guys to discuss the next show. While Weston and Taylor picked out their meals, I saved a table with Mitchell.
"Have you been avoiding me?" He had asked.
"You're the one that's been avoiding me, if anything. Didn't Weston give you my number?" He went through his phone and showed me the contact number.
"I've been trying to text you, but you never answered." I had to laugh, because the only number he had was my house number, and I told him so. "Damn it," he breathed, and he put in the right mobile number for me. "Weston gave me the wrong number." We didn't really want the rest of the band to hear our private conversation, so we texted the rest of the night, all the way until I was home and getting ready for bed, talking to Graham on the phone like usual. That's when Mitchell asked me out.

He had told me he really liked me, especially after all the talking we had been doing. I replied back, explaining how I had a boyfriend and wasn't going to cheat on him because I loved him too much. Mitch took it well, or so I thought. I began to think that I had averted a crisis, considering a long distance relationship (which is what Graham and I have considering he lives in North Carolina) is going to have threats of others trying to get with one of us. That is, until I realized I may like Mitchell back.

I was set out to make sure I didn't do anything, and so I had Graham pretend that I did cheat and release any feeling that came to him; it worked a little too well. In the end, all I felt was fear, and that fear was of Graham himself. I was so scared that I practically ran into Mitchell's "arms," so to speak. I sent Mitch the entire conversation between Graham and me, and it resulted in the beginning of an "affair."

Since we couldn't let Weston or Taylor know about us, we couldn't push a practice on the band so we could be together. So I came up with a "brilliant" idea: sexting. It had no pictures involved, just words and ideas; Graham and I had been using the same thing quite alot, and it proved helpful in our distance, and in my lapse of judgement on the entire situation, I thought sexting would be the cure. Turns out that Mitchell didn't quite get the concept, even though we stayed up until one in the morning one school night to "be together." We attempted the same feeling a couple of other nights, but we never again stayed up quite that late.

Finally, Mitchell and I got our band practice to be together, and seeing as we usually never get much practice time in, we both got calls from Weston to bring our bathing suits. Once at Weston's place (practice was either there or at Ramblin' Rhodes, seeing as drums aren't easy to transport), we changed into our suits and jumped into the water. Mitchell was late, as usual, and while the "young ones" played with their waterguns, Mitchell and I sat talking about things, but not related to our affair. It was kind of obvious, however; we were sitting fairly close together, in the pool, and my suit wasn't the most...covered. Eventually we got out and dried off long enough to practice a little before we all jumped back into the pool again; afterwards, we all decided to play a little football in the street. It didn't take long for Taylor to become tired of it, and Weston came up with the idea to walk to the park not long from his house. Mitchell and I attempted to hold hands when no one was looking, but our drummer just kept looking back at us.

Once at the park, Weston had run off looking for Taylor, who just loved to run away from us when we were trying to be serious. Mitchell and I were alone, and he reminded me of a promise I had made him during one of our nightly talks; the promise was to be his first kiss and to teach him how to make out. I still had a conscience about this whole cheating thing, and I tried to stay away from anything physical, but as soon as I was about to kiss him, Weston appeared. He had caught us really close together, and so he pulled me aside to talk to me, which was where I spilled everything that was going on and planned between Mitchell and I. Meeting Mitch again, the look on my face told him we were found out. Returning to Weston's house, our parents were there and waiting for us, so Mitchell and I never really got our "proper" goodbye.

Later on, I told Graham about what had happened, and he wasn't happy about it; in fact, he talked to Mitchell via AIM once, and the conversation wasn't pretty. A couple days later, Mitchell and I had this talk about what was going to happen to us; I vouched for being friends, because he was my best guy friend and I didn't want to lose touch with him. He wanted more from me, telling me to break up with Graham and be with him instead, but I refused; he quit talking to me after yelling at me (leaving me crying), and I found out that night from Weston that he also quit the band. Graham was happy, and I told everyone else that I was, too, but reality was I couldn't help but feel devastated at the loss of a good friend. Even though he wanted from me more than I could give, he still listened to what I had to say when I could tell no one else.

Months went by without hearing from him when about late August came around, and he rejoined the band and texted me, saying he was sorry and wanted to be friends again. I agreed as long as he didn't try anything. He promised not to, with a smiley face at the end.

Mitchell continued to be the best friend I needed, especially when I was doing things with Jimmy (more on this in "Him" part 2) and couldn't really talk about it. He continuously told me he thought of me like his little sister "even though you're older than me," he had said. I always thought of him like a brother I never had, because I loved him like I would love a brother. Our song became "Hey, Soul Sister" by Train, and I loved it.

While I was baking one night, he told me that he had had sex with this girl, and of course he told me first; in fact, I was one of the only ones he ever told, or so he told me at the time. I was happy for him, just like anyone would be happy for someone else when they finally lost their virginity.

In November, after I had quit the band in October, their singer couldn't perform so I offered to fill in for her, seeing as I already knew the song. The only person that was happy to see me was Mitchell, and I was just glad to be back onstage again.

January came around, and Graham and I weren't really in the best of places because of some failed things at our recent visit, and I was very desperate for action. I had locked away what I felt for Mitchell, knowing that my love for him wasn't for that of a brother, but not really for that of a lover. Upon talking to him about what I was feeling, he confessed that he never stopped actually loving me, and he also told me that while he had had sex, he really had never gotten his first kiss. We brought up that old promise I had made to him to be his first kiss and teach him how to make out, and I agreed to it without hesitation. He had an extra practice for the band on Martin Luther King Jr. day that we had been planning to use as a hangout day, just me and him, but plans change.

That day, Mitchell and Weston picked me up at my house while I was on Skype with Graham; Weston was the only one that talked to Graham before I left with the two of them. Mitchell had filled Weston in on what was going on with him and me in order to be shown where my house was. When we got to the back of the Ramblin' Rhodes building, Weston ran off with the other members of the band (including my replacements) so we could be alone. I kissed him, and it didn't take long for that one kiss to turn into a hungry make out session against a wall. Sooner or later he had to go back inside to practice the band's next song, and I went with him to both hear how they were and to play one of the guitars. Listening to how good they were, I started crying and went outside to call Graham and tell him how I was feeling about the whole thing. I regretted quitting (and still do) and missed being on stage with my friends. I hid in this mini alleyway to talk and cry, letting Graham go so I could finish. Weston found me and got Mitchell; after Mitch comforting me, telling me that it was okay, I got over myself and continued our previous make out session, adding in some touches from him and a slight hand down the pants from me. I checked the time and knew it was almost time for him to take me home, so with a very quick kiss, tongue and all, I turned and started walking away; he grabbed me by the arm and swung me back against the wall for our last kiss.

Walking me home, we started talking about when we'd see each other again, if really ever. He said he enjoyed that afternoon, and with a hug goodbye on my driveway, I walked back to my front door, watching him walk away with a smile.

At my best girl friend Chelsi's party, it was the first night I had my phone back, and I had previously for over a month tried talking to Mitchell about the kind of stuff we used to talk about, but he stopped replying to my messages. I tried calling his cell phone on my house phone, but he never answered or returned my calls. So that night I texted him, and we talked briefly enough for him to tell me that I hurt him far beyond what he could take and that was the last I ever heard of him; this was early March.

Later on when Graham and I had a nasty break up for a few days, I confessed to the aforementioned make out session; since we weren't really together when I told him, he wasn't really upset about it; he just told me about what he had been doing behind my back (more later, if you ask for it). However, when we got back together and talked about what was going on, we agreed that if he stopped talking to the girls around him then I would stop talking to both Mitchell and Jimmy. Jimmy I could live with not talking to, but I was hesitant with cutting off my ties with Mitchell. I still loved (as in cared about) him, probably more than I should have allowed myself, but I can't help what I feel sometimes and even though he had really hurt me with what he had said, I still wanted to be able to talk to him. I knew, though, that if I didn't agree then the deal wouldn't go through and Graham and I would have more problems, so I deleted both contacts from my phone without a second thought.

Regardless of me knowing that talking to either one of them again, especially Mitchell (but equally Jimmy...more in "Him" part 2), would get Graham extremely upset, I want my best guy friend back. I want reconnection. I want to be able to listen to "Hey, Soul Sister" and not want to cry my eyes out. I want my "brother" back.

Too bad it's probably never going to happen. Too bad I've probably hurt him too much for him to ever talk to me again. Too bad I've done too much to him for him to really want me as his "sister" and to really love me back the way I love him.

Love,
Caitlyn