"Him" part 2

*SEXUALLY EXPLICIT*


So between November 2009 and August 2008, Jimmy and I weren't talking much at all. I do remember that in October 2008 we started a comment chat on one of my videos from that summer, but it only lasted maybe a week. My first day of eighth grade I didn't expect to see him, but he was walking around campus, though I was looking for my lost, sixth grade cousin and couldn't exactly focus.

Freshman year for high school began August 2009, and I knew that I'd be seeing him again, but I was prepared for feeling...anxious about the situation. Since I can remember, I never really felt comfortable around him; I would always feel my heart pounding with adrenaline, the "Fight or Flight" response, and usually my mind reacted with "flee." I couldn't help the fact that our lockers were (and still are) close together, almost too close for comfort, so I didn't do anything about it. I was just grateful to have a locker near all of my classes.

Our only contact was through YouTube, and on my website panel I had put my Twitter address, which was public, but I didn't think he'd actually be reading it. During an outdoor pep rally I had tweeted, because he was sitting maybe three or four rows back, that it freaked me out with him so close to me. When the bell rang I went through my normal routine of locker then car, and we passed by each other; he waved, and it caught me very off-guard. Later he posted a comment on my YouTube page referencing the tweet, equally catching me off-guard. This was in September, I guess.

My best friend Chelsi, during the first semester, and I were going through a phase where we would disagree about something, usually to do with one of our mutual friends, and then we wouldn't talk for a week or two before realizing we were both stupid and made up, though the make-up never lasted long. In mid-October, Jimmy and I had started communicating through YouTube again, and after a particularly nasty episode with Chelsi and me about Halloween plans, I asked him for help on how to deal with it and whatnot. After a few hours, it turned into us being actual friends, with exchanged numbers and everything; if I recall correctly, he was the one initiating the cell phone contact.

Within that first week back at school, we were talking via text most of the time at home and walking with each other through the hallways. He would even meet me by my locker at the end of the day and walk me to where my carpool waited in the back. He'd make me laugh and just essentially make my day.

Our text conversations were deeply personal, for both of us I still believe, and then I came up with this insane thought process that I really wanted to kiss him. Badly. I fed this story to Graham that I was going to scare Chelsi, and I first told Jimmy it was going to be kind of a friends-with-benefits situation that later changed to the same story I told my fiance; I think he may have known my true intentions, (because he's always been so good at getting me...) but he didn't show it if he did. So Graham rejected the idea, and Jimmy was for it, so at that point I manipulated the offer further and asked if he liked the kissing after I got to scare Chelsi (it had turned out to be a motive, in part), then could we continue doing so. He agreed.

So that Monday at school, right after first period, Jimmy and I came together by the Geometry room in the 300 building; I noticed Chelsi before the kiss, but during... I couldn't think. I had forgotten my surroundings and could only focus on that kiss. Calling it "kissing" is saying it nicely; bluntly, we were making out against the wall and disgusting, apparently, some of the students passing by. After the kiss, walking to my second period, the monster woke up inside of me and immediately wanted more. Later that day, we talked some about it, and though he did want more (I'm only going by what he said), he was worried I'd feel bad about betraying Graham. I said that I was over the guilty phase and could move on. We didn't do anything else for the rest of the week, but we still were together after school.

The weekend came and we talked even more about what had happened and what we were going to do about it, and the subject popped up once about one day possibly going even further than locked lips, and even though it was somewhat dismissed then, I didn't stop thinking about it. That next week at school, the affair continued, mostly daily. I'd go to my locker, he'd meet me, and we'd make out before I had to leave; as much as it kills me to say this, I loved it. I loved that I had the best of both worlds, I loved that I didn't have enemies. He even talked to Graham on the phone a few times, and once while I was on the phone in French class, he walked in and kissed me; I even thought I could live like that forever. It was absolute heaven, then.

I remembered in late November, early December that my mom and stepdad were leaving for their cruise in mid-December, and my grandmother would be staying at home with me for the twelve-ish days; she's outside smoking all the time and usually leaves me to myself. Jimmy and I talked about the "going further" topic and obviously we couldn't do anything at school (because of both indecency and his fear of PDA), and so I revealed that my parents would be gone, and would be leaving me with my absent grandma. A few hours later, it was arranged that he'd be coming over, through my window, some afternoons but whenever he could get out of the house.

The Friday night before my parents left, I had a Christmas-themed show at Ramblin' Rhodes and was to perform "Yule Shoot Your Eye Out" by Fall Out Boy; I had practiced alot and felt I had both vocals and chords down. I somehow managed to drag Jimmy there, and a couple numbers before mine, I started having this drastic nervous breakdown. I was literally shaking, and I felt as though I was going to pass out; never before had I gone through something like that, and I didn't know what was going to happen to my performance. Turns out, I epically failed, utterly embarrassed myself in front of someone I was trying to badly impress (I still blush at it today). I never get stage fright, not ever. Seriously, it was bad; my voice cracked, and my hands were shaking so bad that I couldn't pluck the strings or form chords on the neck. It was my worst nightmare come true. I came home, called Graham, and just cried...

Next day, Saturday, I had to volunteer for my young dance classes, which I enjoy very much, and by noon I was back home. Jimmy was coming over sometime that afternoon, and I had to figure out something to change into and how I was going to somehow block noises of my window, him coming in, and us in my room. As he told me he was leaving, I ended up on turning my music on really loudly and locking the door; the window was already cracked open so that there wouldn't be extra noise in the situation and we could avoid getting caught.

After taking enough Advil and Cola syrup to steady my nerves, he passed by my window, and there was no turning back. I opened the window and helped him take off the screen, and I moved away from the window so he could come through. My mind didn't know what to do, so I let the monster take over, and may I say that make out session was probably one of my personal favorites? The music was on shuffle, and thankfully played no country, and we were body-on-body with no air between us, almost constantly switching positions. As I felt time growing short and he was supposed to be going back home, I got up the courage to pull down his pants and wrap my hand around his boner while he was on top of me; we were still making out, and part of me wanted to make him ejaculate. I moved my hand up and down the way I had done with Graham a few times before, and within a few minutes warm cum was all over my hand; I smiled as we continued to kiss. Sooner or later we got up, after I gave him a fairly large hickey. Graham called my house phone and I answered, not wanting my grandmother to, and I talked to him as though I was doing nothing but the homework I had claimed to be doing earlier. Jimmy hid in the closest so Graham wouldn't be able to hear him or the way I was distracted. He went back out the window, leaving as soon as the screen went back up. I wiped the cum on my white shirt sleeve (there's still a yellow stain, regardless of bleach), rolled up the sleeve, and resumed my day.


Sunday afternoon was the longest time we spent together. Even though we made out fairly hot and heavy, a song came on that made him stop, and we laid side by side on my twin bed while he talked about what "Miserable at Best" by Mayday Parade meant to him. After, we started making out again, and then he told me that he still had never gotten a blowjob, and I was more than willing to give it to him. No one tells you that giving a guy oral sex is acutally harder than it seems in online pornography. Eventually, he came into my mouth, and I swallowed overy drop. Later, a favorite song of mine came up, and we somewhat acted it out sexually, me straddling him while he played around with my breasts. Our hips ground against each other, clothed though, and I found myself actually having fun with it. After nearly two hours, he left again, and I realized I wanted just a little more.

Monday he had guitar lessons and thus couldn't come over, and during that day I has very confused in what I thought I wanted. I knew I was in love with Graham, and that Graham was the only one that could turn me on by just being Graham. I've always thought making out was alot of fun, that fooling around in general was thrilling, but I didn't know if I could stop with Jimmy to be more loyal to Graham. I couldn't distinguish the difference in how I was cheating with Jimmy, if it was to have fun with kisses and actions or if it was to be with Jimmy and finish what we had started in seventh grade. To figure that out, I knew that we had to have sex.


When I cheated with Mitchell the first time (see Mitchell), I didn't go very far at all because Graham and I hadn't done anything but make out essentially, and I didn't want to go further with Mitchell than I had gone with Graham; at the time with Jimmy that weekend, Graham and I had done everything under the sun (except anal because we both view it as...weird, to say the least) so I didn't feel as bad about it.


I started thinking in the week leading up to the affair's climax about if I got pregnant, and so I brought that up in a conversation with Jimmy; even I was on Yaz (still am), I had just started a new pack and during the first week it is possible to get knocked up. I asked him what would have happened if I did, and he said that his friend Jordan gave him an extra condom, so he was convinced I wouldn't get pregnant. I continued to talk about it though, saying condoms can break or just be faulty, and eventually just agreed on I would do what I needed to do and he'd still get the extent of education he wanted (it never came to that).


Tuesday after school, he was over again, and at least my intentions were clear, but so were his; he got me naked, and I got him that way, too. We made out like before, bodies pushed against each other, but I wasn't comfortable (later I found out why). I was practically begging him for it, and he didn't seem sure, but I knew that to figure out the war in my head I needed it. He got the condom out of his pants on the floor, opened it, and put it over himself (I've never used condoms with Graham and never will, so I had no idea how to put one on...). I was on top, and I attempted riding him, but I was so self-conscious (I always am anyway, but he has forever amplified that feeling) that I couldn't function like I had with Graham. So we switched positions. He started thrusting into me, and I was meeting him with my own version of them, but we were more mechanically in-sync than sexually. I figured out when he came in the condom, and he attempted eating me out (definitely NOT the way Graham did it so...it wasn't nearly as good as when Graham eats me). He stopped and got off of me, peeling of the used condom and threw it in my trash can. We redressed in compete silence except for the blaring music, and I got ready for dance class without even looking at him. He noticed.
"Hey," he said, getting close to me. "Something up?"
I shook my head. "No, I'm fine, really." He laughed.
"I know when you're thinking about something." He wrapped his arms around me, and I pulled a fake smile.
"Don't worry about it, I'm alright." We made out again, and he went back out the window and put the screen back in place for the last time.

Summary of the sex: I'm taking into account that he was a virgin (or at least that's what he had told me...) and the condom takes away feeling, but overall...I figured out that the reason for the affair was about eighty percent to have fun and be free for awhile, to thrill myself and stay young and not grow up and be mature like I usually am. Remaining twenty percent was to figure out whether or not Jimmy and I were done sexually; we were done (to this day I preach to anyone that will listen to wait until they don't have to use a condom during sex because CONDOM SEX SUCKS!).

We didn't talk much at all after sleeping together, both at school and via text message. I was upset at this fact, but I didn't want to let it show much. Winter break came, and we barely talked then too; I was sick to the point of throwing up some, and I told him so, but he didn't really take note of it. A few days before school was back in session, he started asking me if I had gotten my period yet; I replied with no, but it made me think, so I checked my calendar; I was due that day. I wasn't really worried, because my period does occasionally come a day late. Next day, he asked the same question and I replied with the same answer; following day, same thing. After, he stopped talking to me altogether. The first day of school came around (complete power outage, no less) and everyone was put together in the cafeteria; I continued to see Jimmy walking around, and I had been texting him. No reply. Next day at the end of school, I texted him, asking if he was going to continue to ignore me. He replied by saying, essentially, that he didn't care about me or what happened to me. To my surprise, I went home and cried, calling Graham to talk about it (he didn't know about the affair at this point.)

Weeks went by, period still MIA (something that had never happened in the three years I'd been menstrating), and I was freaking out, but what could I do but just live normal life? This included rigorous dancing (preparation for the recital in June) and working out at the YMCA. Sure enough, a period-like thing appeared (no, I am not evaluating further).

Looking back at this months later, I want to say that I regret all of it and that I wish it never happened, but I only regret the sex, to be honest. The rest of it thrilled me to no end, and I had noticed that I really hadn't been free before to explore myself as a normal high schooler (at this very moment, I prefer my fast-track, bored with high school, overly mature, madly-in-love self over the self I thought I was in December). Jimmy and I haven't talked since that second day of third quarter, and I don't know how I feel about that. I have so many questions left unanswered, and I despise knowing that they most likely will never be answered. I told Graham about the affair a few weeks later, at the end of January, and since then he's forgiven me and, like always, we're better than we were before. I've never liked hurting him, but I've hated keeping secrets from him more.

I feel like this past "relationship" with Jimmy was the last one, seeing as not only doesn't he even look at me in the slightest at school but I couldn't talk to him anyway. He also has a new girlfriend, apparently. Was I just the only relatively normal person stupid enough to like him, to (at one time) fall in love with him? It's really stupid to not like someone you've never met, but there's just this different kind of hurt that comes along when someone you care about (yes I still care; no idea why however) and have had sexual relations with goes out with someone new and you know they've got to be doing things that you two were doing together.

Perhaps I'm pathetic, but I don't really notice it anymore. Getting my feelings out takes top priority these days, and I refuse to make my problems higher than a problem my friend is having (and if I talked to Graham about this, he would absolutely FLIP).

This is the end of James Richard's story. Unless something new happens.

Love,
Caitlyn