Back from Break

Hey y'all!

So here I am, coming back from the greatest spring break possibly of my life. Okay, it's not over yet, but it might as well be considering I work tomorrow and Saturday, and I'm basically spending the entire weekend at Panera. Crazy.

Anyway, this break. Wow. Where do I even start? Oh right! Okay so Saturday after I cleaned, I made the trek with my mom to go pick up Patrick for the most of the week (5 days to be exact)! It's been nearly two years in the making, but totally worth the wait. After shopping for some gluten-free stuff (since he's gluten intolerant; Celiac's a bitch), we began the DVD marathon of the four FOB discs and "Rushmore" (as it's Patrick Stump's favorite movie) that carried on into the following morning. I hadn't watched any of those in a really long time, and it was rather refreshing to watch them with someone who appreciates them as much as I do. Then, we commenced into filling Sunday and Monday with playing music, managing to record a half-ass cover of All Time Low's "Remembering Sunday" with him on lead vocals and me on guitar. We were supposed to play more, but never got around to it. Tuesday we woke up so late there was barely time to do anything because I had to go to work. But Wednesday, we played around in Tampa for the most part. Found amazing bandom/other fandom stuff in Hot Topic at International Mall, blowing all of our money, and he'd never been to IKEA so naturally we had to go there, too. Tried to Skype his boyfriend Alex but alas the connection was too terrible (Alex lives in Sweden). We got a little lost trying to get to this amazing restaurant Cheddar's (try their Spasanga and Monster Cookie Sundae, and be sure to ask for honey croissants). Completely and totally worth the drive because it was absolutely delicious. I wish I could eat there all the time. Then today I convinced my mom into letting me drive ourselves to St. Pete to get some of that Hooker's tea. We were up and back in less than two hours with time to spare to meet with Patrick's dad so he could go home.

I think taking him back was the hardest part. I didn't want to see him go at all. He's quite easily my best friend, and we're very very close, especially after the last several days. Sadly, he had to leave just before his "sweet sixteen" tomorrow, but I hope this whole week has made up for tomorrow being not-so-good. Was there some stuff we planned to do that we didn't get to? Yeah, like more music and filming "Bedussey" and baking cookies and spending more time in downtown St. Pete. But I still had a really fantastic time, and I'm pretty sure he did, too. Like I said, I hated to watch him go, but it's comforting to know that we'll be together June 4th in Orlando for the Fall Out Boy show.

THEN IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THIS IS IAN. He'd been hinting about this surprise for awhile, that he'd mailed me something but wouldn't tell me what it is, and Saturday after bringing Patrick home, it came. Inside this manilla envelope was a CD entitled "I Made This CD, Now Go To Prom With Me" with a letter and a tracklist. I won't get into all the mushy details of what it actually said (I'd much rather keep those for my eyes only), but it was thoroughly sweet. Definitely the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me ever (tied with Patrick's painting me a FOB board for my birthday).

I suppose I should give this a little back story. A couple weeks ago, Ian and I were discussing proms, and we got around to talking about how maybe I should go up for his, which couldn't work out with my exam schedule. Then we were talking about mine, and I suggested he should come down if finances and whatnot worked out. Wasn't really a formal, asking him out kind of thing. Just an idea. And then he goes something like "well for my prom, I could ask one of my friends" and proceeds to tell me how he's going to construct this elaborate method of asking her to prom as friends using opera because apparently she's really into that, and I'm nodding along, and it just hurt. Like, he couldn't put in the same effort for someone he (at this point) claimed to love and care about? Well, he saw how I felt and immediately felt bad about it, and as quick as it came we were over it. I joked about him making it up to me, but that was that. Then I sent him a picture from Tumblr of a CD with "I made you this CD, now have sex with me" written on it, and I guess that's where the idea for this surprise was born. After a short intro by him as the first track, the following 19 songs are beautiful and perfectly representative of us. And I love it.

As for the rest of my "break," I work tomorrow and Saturday. Then tomorrow I meet at Panera with my dad and stepmom for lunch, then with Christina and Shane to work on the literary magazine submissions for school before I leave for work. Saturday work 9-5, then back to Panera to meet with Katrina and Chels to hang out. Sunday back to Panera AGAIN for lunch with TJ so we can talk about his Chicago trip (from what I've heard so far, his Chicago is my Rochester), and then somewhere in all of this I have to write my last biology IA and do more homework.

But yeah. Patrick and Ian and just ah! Loving life so much right now. Almost 18, so much to look forward to. One of those days (weeks) when I'm just really, really glad to be alive.

Music Speaks of the Soul

I can't be the only person who believes that music truly speaks of what the soul feels. Every emotion, every desire, every fear, every little thing. Music gets it.

It's been awhile since I fell really in love with music and how I feel listening to it.  That's mostly thanks to Ian, since a) I'm more at one with myself than I've been in a very long time and b) he loves music just as much if not more than me. So, here's a tribute to some of the songs he's shared with me.

"If It Kills Me"

Hello, tell me you know
Yeah, you figured me out
Something gave it away
It would be such a beautiful moment
To see the look on your face
To know that I know that you know now

And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking
You know nothing
Well you and I
Why, we go carrying on for hours on end
We get along much better
Than you and your boyfriend

Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me

How long, can I go on like this,
Wishing to kiss you,
Before I rightly explode?
This double life I lead isn't healthy for me
In fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught I could be risking it all

Cause maybe there's a lot that I miss
In case I'm wrong...

If I should be so bold
I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand
I'd tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man
But I never said a word
I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again

All I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
If it kills me
I think it might kill me

And all I really want from you is to feel me
Yeah, the feeling inside keeps building
I'll find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
It might kill me 


"Some Boys"

Some boys are filling, some boys are filling the hole
They're making the killing at the top of the billings
Their role, and that's all that they know
But some boys don't listen, some boys don't listen at all
They don't ask for permission, they lack inhibitions
No walls, and they get what they want

But some boys don't know how to love

Some boys are singing, some boys are singing the blues
Joylessly flinging with the girls that they're bringing to their rooms
And then leave them, they're through
Some boys are sleeping, some boys are sleeping alone
Cause there's no one that's keeping them warm through evening
They know that they're on their own

Some boys don't know how to love

Some boys are filling, some boys are filling the hole
Some boys are sleeping, some boys are sleeping alone

Some boys don't know how to love [x4]

They won't get what they want 

 

 

"Banana Pancakes"

Can't you see that it's just raining?
Ain't no need to go outside...

But, baby, you hardly even notice
When I try to show you this
Song is meant to keep you
From doing what you're supposed to.
Waking up too early
Maybe we can sleep in
Make you banana pancakes
Pretend like it's the weekend now

And we could pretend it all the time
Can't you see that it's just raining?
There ain't no need to go outside

But just maybe, like a ukulele
Momma made a baby
Really don't mind the practice
'cause you're my little lady
Lady, lady, love me
'cause I love to lay here lazy
We could close the curtains
Pretend like there's no world outside

And we could pretend it all the time
Can't you see that it's just raining?
There ain't no need to go outside

Ain't no need, ain't no need, mmm, mmm,
Can't you see, can't you see?
Rain all day, and I don't mind

But the telephone is singing
Ringing
It's too early
Don't pick it up
We don't need to
We got everything
We need right here
And everything we need is enough
Just so easy
When the whole world fits inside of your arms
Do we really need to pay attention to the alarm?
Wake up slow, mmm mm, wake up slow

But, baby, you hardly even notice
When I try to show you this
Song is meant to keep ya
From doing what you're supposed to
Waking up too early
Maybe we can sleep in
Make you banana pancakes
Pretend like it's the weekend now

And we could pretend it all the time
Can't you see that it's just raining?
There ain't no need to go outside
Ain't no need, ain't no need
Rain all day, and I really, really, really don't mind
Can't you see, can't you see?
You gotta wake up slow 


"The Ballad Of Love And Hate"

Love writes a letter and sends it to hate.
My vacations ending. I'm coming home late.
The weather was fine and the ocean was great
and I can't wait to see you again.

Hate reads the letter and throws it away.
"No one here cares if you go or you stay.
I barely even noticed that you were away.
I'll see you or I won't, whatever."

Love sings a song as she sails through the sky.
The water looks bluer through her pretty eyes.
And everyone knows it whenever she flies,
and also when she comes down.

Hate keeps his head up and walks through the street.
Every stranger and drifter he greets.
And shakes hands with every loner he meets
With a serious look on his face.

Love arrives safely with suitcase in tow.
Carrying with her the good things we know.
A reason to live and a reason to grow.
To trust. To hope. To care.

Hate sits alone on the hood of his car.
Without much regard to the moon or the stars.
Lazily killing the last of a jar
Of the strongest stuff you can drink.

Love takes a taxi, a young man drives.
As soon as he sees her, hope fills his eyes.
But tears follow after, at the end of the ride,
Cause he might never see her again.

Hate gets home lucky to still be alive.
He screams o'er the sidewalk and into the drive.
The clock in the kitchen says 2:55,
And the clock in the kitchen is slow.

Love has been waiting, patient and kind.
Just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign,
That the one that she cares for, who's out of his mind,
Will make it back safe to her arms.

Hate stumbles forward and leans in the door.
Weary head hung, eyes to the floor.
He says "Love, I'm sorry", and she says, "What for?
I'm your and that's it, Whatever.
I should not have been gone for so long.
I'm yours and that's it, forever."

You're mine and that's it, forever.

Somebody

So, as an update to GRADE in case whoever's reading this isn't updating on my social networks, I GOT ACCEPTED!!! I creeped on my online financial aid and found that my scholarship had changed to the GRADE scholarship, meaning that yes, I'M IN GRADUATE SCHOOL!!!!!!!!! Then my letter came that afternoon.

It's exhilarating to know just where I'm going to be in 4, 5, and 6 years for certain. As detailed in many previous posts, I guess you could say I have a fetish for planning and creating a future for myself, but this time my new future has nothing to do with another person; it's solely to do with me. And I love that.

Speaking of other people, my break-up with TJ has been alright. I hate to say it, but I'm really happier. More free. I suppose that's a good thing, considering all the doubts I've had in the more recent past about us. He seems to be taking things alright as well, something I'm particularly grateful for. I still care for him very much, and to see him hurt hurts me, too. We've decided to try and be friends, or at least friendly towards each other. I'm paying him back for my prom ticket, and his mom hasn't really come off in any way to me since I know she knows we broke up. My mom's more okay with it I guess, too. Not that any of it matters, besides me. I wasn't okay with our relationship by its end, and to be okay now is all that counts. A relationship is two people, and if half of that couple is distressed in the relationship and nothing is fixing it, then it's time to let it go. Both TJ and I need some time to ourselves, ready ourselves for the next stage in our lives but without each other. But even though we're trying to be friends and such, it's beginning to hit me that there are things that can't stay the same. I can't always drive him home. I can't keep changing in front of him at his house before work. We can't go through with that joint graduation party. And...we can't go to prom together. To pretend that things just go back to the way they were before won't work. It confuses us, TJ especially since I was the one who broke up with him. I'll dance with him if he asks, I'll be okay around him, but we can't go together.

Which...brings me to Ian. For a quick/painless summary, we met on Facebook via the Rochester page because of a post I made about GRADE, since he applied and got an interview, too. Since then we've talked, probably more than appropriate. We hung out for the majority of our time visiting the campus for our interviews, and I was his ride to and from the airport. He's just amazing, he really is. You know that checklist every girl has over time, racking up qualities that she wants the "perfect guy" to have? Well he has all of them, and I wasn't even looking for anything of the sort (he's even a grammar Nazi like me). Obviously I wasn't, considering I've only been single for a week. I want time to myself to sort things out alone, then maybe I'll think about a relationship. But, I'd be lying if I said that I don't want to be with Ian. We've contemplated him coming down around my 18th birthday, considering we'd both be of-age by then. We've talked about him coming down for my prom (I'd go up for his but it's the evening following an afternoon exam at school and getting there would be impossible), and it's becoming more and more of a possibility. Worst case scenario is the next time we see each other would be in about 5 months since that's move-in day for school, and then there's a road of 5-6 years of Rochester together (he was admitted into GRADE, too [GO IAN!!!]). We have time; that's the important part. I don't want to rush things and then everything fall apart in a few months. I refuse to let that happen. For the first time in a very, very long time, things feel right here. But I really can't say any more. [I could go on and on and on about Ian all damn day but that's rather time consuming isn't it?]

On another note, school's finishing up quite nicely. One more week before spring break, then break, then all of April pretty much is review for exams, and May is all exams before senior check-out the 22nd. Just biding my time. 

Spring Cleaning

Either today or tomorrow I'll hear about the final GRADE decision. I went up last week and seriously I never thought I could be more in love with Rochester. The snow was beautiful and in all honesty it wasn't too bad. Very nervous but excited. Both Ian and I are.

Oh yeah! I haven't mentioned Ian yet! Guess it's been awhile since I've last posted. Okay well he messaged me on Facebook soon after the official interviews for GRADE were sent out, and ever since we've just talked a lot. We agree on fundamentals of education and how the system should be. I don't know. He's just increasingly become one of my best friends, right up with Trick and Tíernan and Meredith. I don't even have the right words to describe him.

It's about to become spring break, and I've done quite a bit of thinking. It hit me when I went up to Rochester that, well, TJ and I aren't going to work. But let me back track. I've had a big problem with him being very disrespectful and clingy and overly sexual and let's not even get into how he gets borderline violent. Bottom line, we're not healthy. I told him everything and he hasn't really done much about it. Nothing's changed. And I don't feel like we should be together anymore. I plan on talking to him about that soon, maybe go on a break around when he goes up to Chicago over our break from school so he can get a feel of how life without me will be. I just don't want to hurt him too badly, you know?

I'm just ready to keep going with my life. I need that. I need some me time so I can be myself without someone always there. I haven't been single for an extended time in years. Really not healthy.

I'll probably update twitter or tumblr or something with GRADE results today or tomorrow, so keep checking! Fingers crossed!

*UPDATE FROM 4PM: talked to him. We broke up. I'm single.*