Our third year of TIP together was coming to a close. Looking back, it was a pretty bad three weeks. I kept dropping hints about not wanting to stay together through high school, he kept getting upset, I threw Jimmy in his face. We're lucky we made it out alive.
My dad picked me up from campus that year, and he finally got to meet Graham's parents. It was quite the ordeal, and we all met up for lunch. Afterwards, he and his parents drove me to the airport. I knew then that it'd be the last time I'd see him for awhile, but I didn't really think it'd be the last time period. I started to cry, and while our parents were talking he hugged me. We kissed and held an embrace for not-long-enough, and then I left. The look on my dad's face was priceless: "She really wasn't kidding about this boy." After we got through security and were at our gate, Graham and I were texting, and apparently he didn't understand until I spelled out for him that we weren't going to see each other or be "actually together" until once he turned eighteen. He proceeded to ignore me until well after I got home.
Hell came in the next four weeks. We fought nearly daily. We broke up every few days to only get back together and break up again. The only "good" time was when we mourned the first year since losing what we believed was our baby girl. Otherwise, I was a mess, and I felt like he didn't understand where I was coming from. That last part was more my fault, though. I was keeping that I'd been talking to Jimmy from him, that we were planning on getting together. Since my mom didn't like me talking to him either at the time, I couldn't text, so I used YouTube like we used to.
I heard from my dance teacher that my friend Matthew's dad died and that my mom and I were invited. Of course, I went, and all in the same day I ordered my sophomore year homecoming dress. Despite the looming death, I felt happy. In the preceding days, Graham and I had been okay. I was back to being the head-over-heels in love girl that I had been ever since I met him. I packed for my dad's house like I normally did, had dinner over there, then unpacked and got ready for bed. Skyped Graham, like always. The beginning of the conversation was fairly normal.
I don't even remember exactly how it took such a drastic turn. One moment, we were smiling and laughing, and the next he logged into my YouTube account (he knew my passwords and I knew his) and read my messages to and from Jimmy. I very much distinctly remember how hurt and heartbroken he looked, and he wouldn't respond to me when I said I loved him before he hung up on Skype. I should've let him go then.
But I didn't. I spent the whole next day at Chelsi's, acting like it never happened and that we'd get over it and everything would be okay. Well, it wasn't. I didn't hear from him until I'd gotten back at my dad's late that night, where Chels convinced him to let me have a go at smoothing things over. He wouldn't even give me a chance, and looking back I don't blame him. In that half hour long conversation, I was in tears the entire time, and he just wanted no part of it or me or anything to do with the last two years we'd been together. Unbeknownst to me at the time, he was already talking to another girl: Libby, who was a new freshman and we both knew her from TIP that year. But while I thought I still had some kind of chance, we were officially over. I bought a new phone and changed my number, since I didn't intend on talking to him for awhile; I caved after twenty-four hours.
I literally felt like death. When on Facebook he officially moved into another relationship (and I read that my TIP friends "liked" the changed), I threw up (and then deactivated my account). I don't think I ate anything for a week, or really drank that much. Nothing felt appeasing to the hole I had inside of me. I went to school, managed to get through classes (although my pre-calc grade left something to be desired). I most certainly wasn't myself, and all the while, Graham and I were still talking. He'd tell me about Libby and what they'd do physically, and then he'd tell me that he's just testing the waters and that he still loved me. One day we were still going to get married, and the next I was just some dirty, used-up whore who he regrets ever meeting. Sometimes he acted like we were together, others that I was a stranger. I received a fair share of texts meant for Libby, probably on purpose, and each one sent me hurling down deeper into depression. And one night, I decided I didn't care anymore. I'm sure I posted before about my suicide attempt. To anyone who thinks it was a cry for attention: maybe it was that, very deep inside my subconscious, but in the forefront of my mind I wanted to be dead. I still wonder to this day what everything would be like here if I hadn't survived, if I'd taken the extra number of pills I originally wanted to take. But there's no use in that. Displeasing to me, I woke up, and Graham had called. And all I could think was ,"Well, fuck." When I'd told him about the pills and everything, he appeared to show genuine concern, for the first time in about a month and a half. It was reassuring, even moreso when, after I'd been at the hospital, he called my house and my mom told him I'd been at the hospital. But even that was short-lived, and he ignored me.
I'd basically given up on everything else by that point. I'd asked out TJ (the first time) and we were together, and like I said in earlier posts, he made me feel even the smallest bit alive. I was happy, even if that was just for a few hours. Graham kept going back and forth, and I kept trying to argue that Libby was a rebound and he should just come back; he wasn't very happy that I was with TJ, a guy he hadn't exactly approved of. Around Homecoming time, he made me a deal that if I left TJ he'd leave Libby. Not thinking of what it'd do to TJ, I eagerly agreed. Sure enough, while I was actually at Homecoming, he broke up with her over the phone. I was sure he'd ask to be with me at any moment. But he didn't. Instead, he chose a girl in his theater class named Blair (yes, THAT Blair). I was beyond done. I stopped texting him. Stopped calling. Stayed the hell away from Facebook. Tried to live my life. I deleted my original Twitter (I named it "@lunahowell") and made a new one (@remember_ry, but that's not its name anymore). Periodically I'd use it to say what I was doing or what I was listening to, but every so often I'd say how I missed Graham and how I loved him and wanted him to come back so we could be together. Despite that, I thought I was getting better for a week. And then, I wasn't.
I talked about wanted to get drunk. Asked around about where I could get cigarettes or pot. I wanted Graham with everything I had but refused to let him constantly consume me. I was in therapy for the suicide attempt, though I still wanted to die so it didn't really help so much. I needed an escape, and I thought drugs and drinking were the answers. I wanted a change, because I didn't feel like the girl I used to be. I felt that way for about another week.
Well, one morning after I tweeted about going over to Chelsi's to find whatever we could find, Graham texted me. I was calm, surprisingly. Asked him why he texted me, things like that. I spent the half-hour it takes for me to get ready for school on the phone with him. He asked if we could get back together. He said he left Blair. He said he missed me and that he was ready to give us another chance, that he still wanted me both for now and in the future. However, this time I wasn't so easily convinced. I told him that he'd have to talk to his dad about us getting to see each other in person, because I felt that that's what we needed to have a fresh start. I also said that he needed to take a day to figure out if that's what he really wanted, as I was in no hurry to rush back together again. I left home in kind of a daze, and I left him with the premise that until he talks to his dad he shouldn't talk to me. Halfway through school he started texting me, saying how much he missed me and how sorry he was for what he put me through. He was so persistent, and in my heart I still wanted him, so we ended up together. I made a new Facebook and was "in a relationship" there, but with no name. His said the same thing. And again, I was happy. Hopeful for our future.
For roughly a month, we were okay, I guess. We didn't fight, but we didn't really talk like we used to. Our conversations were only through Twitter, because his dad apparently had said that we can't talk until the visit we were apparently going to have in winter break. In those conversations, all we talked about was how much we loved each other and were glad we got together again. But things still felt right, for awhile. I was at my dad's one night and Graham told me he had something to tell me and that it wasn't good. He revealed that a few weeks before, he started seeing Blair again behind my back, and I assumed she didn't know about me. I was crying and yelling at him, and he told me how he wouldn't have told me about it but she was making him officially have names on their relationship statuses. I begged and pleaded for him to choose me or give me a little more time to prove that I was what he wanted. He was unmoved.
I kinda felt that something was off during that whole time. When he was in a situation where I knew he could've texted me, he didn't. When he was going to a school dance, he bought a new suit and didn't text me the whole time. I just had this overall feeling that something was happening, but he assured me I was just paranoid. Guess my intuition is always right.
He told me I had a couple of weeks to convince him to leave her, and when I asked how to do that he just said that if I really knew him better I would already know the answer. I decided to be the girl who just kept saying "I love you." Instead of phone calls, we'd stay on Skype all night long, and we would Skype while we showered. We "had sex" using Skype or the phone, but it wasn't exactly the same anymore. At night, when we were done with sex and I was going to bed, he'd mute his microphone and call her. Just because I couldn't hear them doesn't mean I didn't know what they were doing. What he was doing. And slowly I sank deeper. Contemplated suicide. Thought about leaving.
I got up the courage the night before Christmas Eve to leave him, with the hopes of him saying he loved me and wanted to choose me (it was posted in late December of 2010). I didn't hear back for a day so I texted him and he lashed out at me. Told me I was terrible. A picture he showed me that he thought would be the color of our children's eyes was actually a picture of her eye. A drawing he thought was cool that I liked was something she drew. How he had already told her he loved her. Crying became the norm. I fought for just one extra week to try and prove I was his soulmate. Being the holidays, I got it, but my wisdom teeth surgery caused me to let all that fall by the wayside. Well, not really. I was more focused on securing him than my recovery. I let him Facetime me with chipmunk cheeks and we still had our version of sex. He was choosing on New Year's Day.
I chose to hang out with Chelsi New Year's Eve since I was feeling better and needed to get out of the house. Didn't talk to Graham at all because he was at a party with Blaire. I rung in the new year watching Teeth, a movie about a girl with teeth in her vagina that act as a defense mechanism. We went shopping the next day, the 1st, where I finally heard from Graham. I told him I was out shopping, and he told me he'd tell me his decision when I got home. I insisted that he tell me then, because I'd rather not be alone. He chose her. And after an hour of desperation (I dangled my suicidal thoughts in front of him), I gave up and so did he. I cried at the mall for a few minutes at Starbucks and texted TJ, telling him I made a mistake (meaning that I mistakenly left him for an asshole who left me anyway). He eager replies made me laugh and smile, and for the rest of the day I forgot about Graham. I was officially with TJ as of January 3rd, and I'm happily still with him now.
In trying to get over Graham, I burned quite a bit of momentos (mostly pictures). As of now, I have nothing in my possession that involved us after the beginning of 2010, where things started to fall apart. I pulled together a box of important things: a jacket, a few shirts, his bunny from when he was a baby, the necklace, and the ring. Mailed it to him. Got an angry text a few days later: "Thanks for letting me know we're done, officially." Like we weren't already finished. When I called, he flipped a lid on me, and then I cried, telling him how I missed certain things, like him understanding my Patrick Stump obsession. That conversation ended on a good note, like we'd be friends. But then we couldn't be, because it was TIP application time and I decided not to go. He apparently expected me to, but I refused. It would've hurt too much. He tweeted saying how he doesn't like "used goods," inferring that he wouldn't like it if I slept with or did other sexual things with TJ. And I'll admit, it was quite convenient to have TJ again, but this time it was real. We had an angry text conversation the night before Superbowl Sunday of 2011, and I told him I was glad we lost Ryanna (we still thought she was real at this point) because I didn't want to be stuck with him. He called me after he received that, and we yelled and fought for an hour. TJ was on Skype with me and heard everything. At the end of it, I was in tears and was officially done. I was so upset I picked up the stained glass of a sunset he made me and smashed it on the floor (still have the one of the rose his mom made and gave me in my room though).
After that, we didn't talk until I texted him pretending to be someone else in early May of that year. I asked, pretending to be a friend of mine, if he cared and if he missed me; he answered yes to both questions. We talked the rest of the day until he told me that Blair wasn't comfortable with us talking and thus neither was he. Then nothing until a few days after my birthday, where he wished me happy birthday but I ignored it. Then came the thirtieth of June, and he sent me an email asking me to call him because he was "ready to talk." Basically his girlfriend's parents found out they were having sex and freaked out and he wasn't allowed to talk to her. We were on the phone for an hour and it was a nice, friendly conversation. Nothing came after that until July fourteenth, which was what would have been our three year anniversary. He was already at TIP, and I had made plans with TJ and Chels so I wouldn't be home alone or thinking about that day. He texted me and said "Happy anniversary of the day we met," and then went on to ask if he should cheat on Blair with Libby at TIP (which pissed me off). I got teary at the first part, but refused to let my day start out sad. The day went as planned and I didn't think about what that day meant; it was just another day. Then nothing until junior year began. At this point we didn't exactly talk all the time, but talking was friendly. I considered us almost friends, even though I had blocked him on Facebook. Mostly because I wanted to eliminate the temptation to look him up and feel depressed about not being a part of his life. While I was incredibly happy with TJ, there were parts about Graham I missed. But what hurt was that every time we stopped talking, it was either because Blair didn't like it or he still hadn't gotten over me cheating on him with Jimmy.
Eventually, he got flirty. Sent me a picture of himself (not penis) from his boarding school (the one he always knew he'd go to) and said things that were akin to the way Jimmy and I used to talk. It was...weird, to say the least. He even texted me saying he had visited the spot where he proposed to me. Then I brought up visiting UNC and he suggested we see each other "for closure." This is detailed in November 2011 of this blog. We haven't really talked since, and everything else is up-to-date. As of now, we haven't talked in roughly six months, the longest we've ever gone. As far as I know, he's happy with her and doesn't think about me. It's not that it hurts that we don't talk, just the reasons why, because those reasons make me feel like he does want to see me, he just doesn't want to rock the boat of the relationship.
As of right now, I'm on my day off of classes. Catching up on Teen Mom (my guilty pleasure) and finishing this post before tomorrow. I thought memories and things would go away in time but they haven't. I still remember how he said my name. I still remember the excitement in planning visits. I remember how I felt when he said he loved me. I still remember how it felt when he picked me up and twirled me around whenever it'd been months since we'd seen each other. I still recognize when the clock says 7:14. I can tell you his home and cell phone numbers, presuming he hasn't changed them. I still remember the pain. I still remember my anxiety whenever I had one of my "feelings." I still catch myself daydreaming, thinking about what would happen if he followed my Twitter or my blog and came to Rochester and found me (no way a romantic fantasy, though). I can distinctly imagine him calling my name across the quad and I could detail my specific emotion and actions if that happened. But it didn't.
The worst though is that I'm painfully aware of what tomorrow is: July 14th. I'm making plans to make myself busy all day so I don't think about checking my phone. Since we haven't talked, I don't know if he'll call (texts are blocked to and from his number) or email or whatever. I don't even know if he'll notice what tomorrow is. What I do know is that I'm happy to be here. I know that I miss TJ to death and this has been the hardest almost-week I've experienced in a year and half. No idea how I'm going to get through the next three weeks. As far as being painfully aware of things, most of the time I'm happy when I'm by myself, like 95%. The other 5% comes from my mom saying how she misses Graham or his parents or when she talks about that time in general. It's not something I discuss, because if I talk about it the pain comes back. And what kind of person would I be if I enjoyed that kind of pain?
I'd like to clear something up in advance of it becoming unclear. I don't want to be with Graham. I want to be with TJ. I've come so far from where I was, and I can finally see myself with him. For something to happen with Graham, not only would we have to start completely over but TJ would either have to die, decide to leave, or cheat on me, and even THEN I don't even know if I'd want to be with Graham. At that point I'd probably just start over with someone else. Or be forever alone (kidding). But again, I don't want to be with him. I'm not in love with him. He's someone I consider to be both my ex and an old friend at the same time. I just don't like burning bridges, but apparently he's content with watching the ashes smoulder from ours. Whatever. My life is different now, and clearly we're different people than we used to be.
But that's our story. I don't know whether to call it romantic or a tragedy. I don't know if I regret what I did wrong in the relationship more or that I started the relationship at all. Regardless, it happened. I fell in love, made mistakes, got my heart broken, and made it all out alive. I'm okay and pissed all at the same time, but I think that's part of being a teenager. I'll never forget my first love, nor do I intend to. He allowed me to feel again and experience things I never thought I'd be able to experience without having had him in my life. Young love isn't all bad. Appreciate it while you can, because you never know when it's going to disappear.
Love,
Caitlyn
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