2AM

It's said on HIMYM that nothing good happens after 2AM and we should all just go to sleep. I beg to differ; good things can happen after 2AM.

First off, sleep. I'll hopefully be asleep after 2AM, preferably soon. I am extremely vulnerable to scary stories and images, both those actually displayed in front of me and those strung out in words that I see in my mind. And due to those stories tonight, I haven't been able to sleep. At least I got to catch up on some tv shows right? Right. Even though one of them was Pretty Little Liars and that show is sketchy when you're already susceptible to that kind of content.

Another good thing is that I have TJ on Skype with me, even though he's been asleep for the last hour or so (lucky bastard). But he's here, because he knows how creeped out I get (aka basically a nervous wreck), and it was his idea, so I'm very grateful. It's good to know that not only does he get me but he's there when I need him the most, even though he's a thousand miles away. I'm convinced that not only is this love real, but that it will last. I can only wish for how long. I'm lucky to have him, and believe me I'm thanking those lucky stars of mine. If there is a God, which we debate heavily in PHL 101, then He is certainly looking out for me by giving me TJ. And hey, if there isn't (at least, not in the Christian/heavily organized religious sense), then I'm still pretty damn lucky anyway. Not to mention I'm happy beyond belief. I'm sure I've said this before, but things feel right. For the first time in a long time I feel like things could actually work out, with minimal issues. Things are good right now, and I intend to keep them that way.

But back to it being after 2AM. I get the pleasure of sitting up and contemplating how glad I am to be alive, especially when I compare that to how I could've been dead. It would be two years since my death in September. My mom and dad would still be wrecks. TJ wouldn't know what went wrong but he'd have moved on. I'm not sure what to say about Jimmy (we're no longer Facebook friends, by my doing; the same happened between me and Sam). And Graham? I don't know. I honestly don't know. I can't even begin to speculate. He'd still be with Blair probably. Maybe he'd think of us differently than he does now, maybe I'd be the crazy ex who killed herself because she was stupid and let herself fall in love with a guy while they weren't ready, or maybe, just maybe, he'd feel a little guilty. Guilty over how he handled the break up. Guilty over everything that happened afterwards. Guilty for basically everything he did. And me? I'd be dead, and in whatever afterlife (if it exists) there would be for me; OR I could haunt his sorry ass (bahaha okay probably not but that'd be funny as hell). But, I'm alive. Graham is with Blair and probably thinks I'm crazy and is perfectly content without me and probably also never even thinks about me, ever. Jimmy is, well, Jimmy. Mom is Mom, and Dad is Dad. TJ is the guy I want in my life for however long he'll choose to have me. And I'm in Rochester, more confirmed than ever in my wanting to come here for the rest of my life, starting my freshman year of college.

2:15AM now. Hopefully ready to go to sleep but not quite ready to turn off my desk lamp, or my laptop. Watching the boy I love sleep because he loves me enough to want to keep me safe while thinking about how I'll be with him a week from now, back in his arms where I belong. Thinking about the homework I have to do once I get ready in the morning (and how stoked I am to have an A [94% on the exam!!!] in a college class).

Okay. Time for sleep. I'm not even sure any of what I said made sense but who cares. This is supposed to be a memoir about my experiences between the ages of 14-17. Then at 18, I switch over to my other blog that has been created but not quite yet customized. That's the one I'll use until...well, until blogging becomes something that doesn't exist anymore or Blogger dies. And then when my kids are old enough, I'll show them this "Story of a Girl." Not as bragging rights by any means, but to show them that things change and life goes on. I want to show them that their mother is human. Maybe they'll learn from my mistakes, and maybe they won't. It'll be their life, not mine. That's why it's story of A girl, not ALL girls. I am but one person who is and will be on this earth, and they will be a few more people who will live after I die. But, today, it's only me.

And I have class in 10 and a half hours, plus homework and plenty of other stuff in between. Yikes! Goodnight.

Love,
Caitlyn