Hum Hallelujah

Getting summer homework done before I leave next Saturday for Rochester. I'm out of my mind excited, sans the part where I won't see TJ for a month. He's already acting like I'm gone and it's driving me crazy. He doesn't get it yet, but he will. Anyway I still have to pack and whatnot. Couple things to finish up here, like doctors and other appointments.

In the meantime, today is the day Jimmy leaves for college. We were supposed to make cookies together a couple days ago, per his request, but he never really followed up. I made the cookies anyway, because I love baking (duh). It was more than making cookies, though. I've known Jimmy longer than I've known anyone. We've gone through a lot together, as I've detailed throughout this blog. And I know that once he leaves, I know I'll most likely not see him again, which I can live with if I only can get a good-bye. Not getting closure with Graham killed me, and I'm not about to accept the same series of events when it comes to Jimmy.

He leaves sometime today, I guess, and he posted on Facebook last night about being ready to go. So, after much internal debate, I texted him.

Me: Too bad you never got those cookies.
Jimmy: ... shit
Me: Didn't seem all that important to you anyways lol. Just thought it would've been a fun thing to do before you left
Jimmy: I wanted to, there was just no time.
Me: That's life, I guess
Jimmy: Agreed.
Me: Just sucks.
Jimmy: I know... I wanted those cookies.
Me: It's more than that though.
Jimmy: I'm not leaving forever.
Me: Part of it is that the probability of me seeing you again is, like, zero. The other part is that I've known you longer than anyone else, and we've been through a lot. I don't like not getting to say goodbye. Not again.
Jimmy: Again, not leaving forever.
Me: Long enough
Jimmy: I'm coming back in two weeks.
Me: And I'll be gone for Rochester
Jimmy: Welp.
Me: Yeah

Since he didn't respond after that I just kinda gave up. Throughout the entire conversation I was crying, because it just hurts. Not that he's leaving, not like "Jimmy's leaving to go do what he's dreamed of doing and I just wish he could stay here because I'm going to miss him so much," even though I will miss him. I just don't do well when I can't say goodbye. I saw him last week before I left for California. Met at Starbucks, walked around our local plaza for a bit, made a date for cookies. And that was it. I put "it" off because I expected there would be more. And now he's going to be gone.

This event is bittersweet. I'm happy for him that he's getting out of here and going off to college and meeting people, accomplishing something he's wanted to do since from when we met. It just completely utterly sucks that here's this person who I've gone back and forth with, and he's gone back and forth with me, and we've come so far, and he means something to me (due to history), and now he's leaving and I never got to say goodbye.

I remember a whole lot more about things than he does, two of them being that "our song" was Hum Hallelujah (FOB of course) and that he told me to never tell him that I missed him. Right now, even the phrase "hum hallelujah" fits how I feel, and I know without a doubt that I will miss him. He was there when I needed a shoulder to cry on after Graham left. He was there when I needed a reality check for the last five years. He was there when I needed advice or just someone to hang out with. Bottom line, he was there when I needed him. And I'm gonna miss the hell out of that.

It's 8:40 in the morning. I should probably shower, or eat something. I'm determined to finish most of the english assignment today, followed by final allergy testings and all results, then dinner with my dad. Just a normal Thursday.

Love,
Caitlyn