100th post. Tribute to my entire past told in this blog so far. Much much more to come. I welcome 2012 and lead me hopefully in the right direction. Cheers.

Best Boyfriend Ever.

We've been together a year, just about. So I'm gonna spam my blog of pictures of us.

XD. Love you babe!

Quick Christmas Update

Best gifts ever this Christmas: a Stump-o-matic and a signed guitar pick from Patrick himself. Pretty awesome.

You'll see what I'm doing later.

Back. Again.

It's been a year since I sent that really long Skype thing to Graham, basically refusing to be thrown around and giving him an ultimatum that definitely didn't work in my favor.

It's just sad. Here I am, trying to enjoy the holidays after a year without him, and shit like that comes and ruins it. I know I'm supposed to be strong and I'm supposed to be able to forget it all and I should be completely and utterly happy and this shouldn't bother me. But I'm sorry. I can help it.

For a long time I thought he was my "One." For a long time I thought we were going to have a future together and we were going to beat the distance. For a long time he was the only person I could 100% count on for everything, and I mean everything. And yeah, it's been a year since the final break up. But to me that makes no difference in how...hurt I am. And it doesn't help the memories fade away.

I love TJ but there are times I miss things Graham and I did. I miss how he twirled me around at our Spring Break visit. I miss when we made out for the first time and how we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I miss the up-all-night conversations. I miss our "dates" and planning for visits. I miss the way he looked at me when we were together. I miss how I felt when he held me.

I know I fucked it all up. It was because of me. And while I adore my relationship with TJ, I know if I hadn't fucked up with Graham, we'd probably still be together. Because if I hadn't cheated or continued talking to Jimmy, our relationship's innocence would still be intact, at least where outside influences are concerned. I'd probably be planning a wedding a year from now.

But he's gone. He doesn't feel what I feel. He's forgotten everything and moved on and left me with all of the memories, good and bad. He is with her. I meant what I said when I told her I wish them the best, but that doesn't keep me from missing what we had.

Happy holidays. "Merry Christmas; I could care less."

Love,
Caitlyn

Give it Up for the New Year

It's pretty close to 2012, the year the world ends. Lots of theories, lots of speculation. If we all die, at least I don't have to worry about graduating with an IB diploma.

A million things happened this year. I lost two best friends. My heart was shattered. I found love again. I met Patrick Stump (and obsessed over Soul Punk). I made new Twitter friends (Hannah, Cecilia, @Stumplicious, etc.). I made my fair share of mistakes. I found plenty of blessings. I got my license. I got a car. I got my dad back. Like I said: a million things.

However, Christmas has yet to be here, and I can't wait. I love being around (extended) family. I love seeing looks on people's faces when they open gifts I've bought them. It's priceless.

I probably won't be on here until after the start of 2012, so happy holidays and happy new year. Make a resolution and stick to it. Mine for 2011 was to figure out Graham Benson Howell and look what happened: I'm with TJ, living and loving life, happily putting that boy behind me. So good luck everyone.

Love,
Caitlyn

Last Night

I've been kinda...off ever since my NC visit. It hurt Graham didn't want to see me but it gave me the power I needed to get over him. But everything he did still hurt, and it culminated in this conversation I had with TJ last night so I could sort it out.

Me: So, looking back, I know Ry wasn't, like, real. I know I never actually miscarried. But that feeling, of wanting something with someone so bad and not getting it, was real. And it resonated in the idea of this beautiful baby girl. Did I ever tell you what we thought she looked like? She always had my long, light blonde hair. His ebony eyes. My skin. His face. My lips. His love of the outdoors. My creativity. We always thought she'd be an artist. A photographer. We loved her. And yeah it was crazy to think she was real. But to us, she was. We spent hours and hours crying over her. And for what, if she never existed? I think we both knew where we were headed, that the hormones were taking over and that there was no shot in hell for us. So we created Ryanna, if to only save that one pure aspect of us. The aspect that wanted a family and a future. And it worked. We saw that part we loved so much in each other and grew attached to it. We never dared let it go because of its perfection. Her perfection. When he shattered my heart, he shattered that fantasy. He shattered what I wanted and needed most, and that's what was so hard. It's what continues to be so goddamn hard. Don't get me wrong. I'm over him. I'm not in love or wanting him back or any of that jazz. But I'm still healing over truly losing that beautiful baby girl. I wasn't prepared to lose her with him. That's why it hurts so bad to see him with someone else, or when he doesn't want to talk to me or have anything to do with me. In my mind, we still shared her. We shared the same dream and the same goals from life and made the same plans. And because we shared all of that, there's this tiny part of me that believes he's still mine, in a sense. And it hurts every so often to know he's gone and left me without any comfort whatsoever. But again, don't get me wrong. I love you. I want those plans with you. I want those dreams and the same experience with you because I love you to the core of my being. I don't know when I'll be able to fully let him and Ry go, but know that I'm trying to so I can be the best to you that I can be. Because you don't deserve someone only partially here.

TJ: Do you want to know one of my biggest fears? Every time we have a scare the thing i am most affraid of is putting you through the pain of a miscarry if it occurs. I would blame myself for you hurting like that and would probably never be able to forgive myself. I know it wouldn't be my fault but i would take it that way. It is just how i work. And i thought you were over him and i had your heart as my own. It hurts me a little to know that isn't true.


Me: It isn't that my heart is his, because he doesn't have it. She does. Even though she's only in my mind.

TJ: I honestly can't understand it. I know you want a family. But did he know she wasn't real? Did you let him suffer the pain of knowing you miscarried? Or did he just go along with it? Because i know that would kill me and to do something like that just to save a relationship means the relationship isn't worth it. Now mentally you are tied on him and emaotionally you scarred yourself. Sometimes it is best to have loved and lost than to not love at all and when it is over just let go. It took me two and a half years to find someone i wanted to be with and i was rejected, broken hearted, dismayed by girls. Then i found you. Had i not let them go i would not be where i am today and be this incredibly happy with you.

Me: You think I knew then what I know now? I thought to my soul she was real for a year. I cried myself to sleep for months wishing I could have her back because it was my fault she wasn't here. I would never make that up to fuck with my mind and I certainly wouldn't fuck with him and his emotions because he wanted a baby just as bad as I did. As for the rest of what you said, I get it. It's been a year since he left. And I've made progress. More than I thought I'd make with him gone. I fell harder for you than I thought I would after him. I don't want him. I want you.

TJ: It hurts though babe. Knowing all this. I feel as if you might never completly be mine.

Me: I tell you that you have of my heart everything I have. And I didn't want to hurt you. I'm sorry.

This morning he was better and we're back to normal. I guess I just needed to get all that off my chest to someone and he deserved to know where my head was. It's the least I can do for the person I love.

We may not be able to see each other on Christmas, but this'll be the best Christmas for me in 11 years. I can feel it.

Love,
Caitlyn

"Say Anything"

Wrote a poem in art class today. I won't post it for fear of certain others reading it but I will say it definitely allowed me some venting time. It may not be the best I've ever written, but it's done its purpose.

Have I said yet today I'm tired of bitchy girls and silly drama? Yes? I figured. It happens so often...well. You know.

Can school be over yet? I just want to go home, go to dance, and do some fucking homework and edit a super awesome fan fiction from my friend Cecilia.

Love, Caitlyn

Meme and HIMYM

One week since my last post. Kinda long since I've been blogging so much but in my defense I've had a lot going on. Like anyone reads this.

I have tonsillitis. Yuck.

Until yesterday I have been walking on air. I took the SAT Saturday, and I'm pretty sure I scored well. Anything 2100 and above means I don't ever have to take it again. Considering in 7th grade, exactly four years ago, I got a 1610, I can't imagine not doing extremely better.

Later on Saturday, I spent time with my grandmother, who insists on being called Grammy, but when I was little I couldn't say Grammy and morphed it into Meme. I helped her decorate her house for Christmas (she's nearing 82) and she shared stories about her favorite ornaments and things like that. It was very heartwarming since I don't see her often, and she's practically me in roughly 66 years from now. I identify with her so much it's scary. We like the same things. She doesn't judge. She's incredibly open-minded. She loves to bake. She values family above anything else. She's my absolute favorite family member of both sides. I know one day she'll die, and with her will disappear stories and traditions and ways of life, but it's comforting to know that when she goes I'll inherit, or probably will anyway, her ornaments and special items that I always loved. However, I refuse to allow her to die until I have my first child, or at least until I'm married. It kinda sucks, considering her side of the family doesn't get sick and you know about when they'll die; they just go. It'll be a shock I'll be unprepared for, but at least I'll have had weekends and baking escapades and all sorts of advice.

HIMYM is an acronym for my favorite show How I Met Your Mother. Look it up. On the most recent episode, Robin thought she was pregnant with Barney's baby, turned out she wasn't, but when she returned to the doctor she got a diagnosis of never being able to have children. It struck home.

I don't know what I'd do if I found that out about myself. Having a family is something I've wanted for as long as I can remember. And with my mom's potentially genetic issue that could inhibit my ability to conceive or last through full term, I'm terrified it's a possibility. I want to force her into having me tested for the gene for whatever is wrong, I've forgotten the name of it, because I don't want to wait until it actually matters to know about it. What if I'm 26, 27 and ready to have kids to find out I can't because of this thing and the treatment will render me unable to have a child until a year or more later? What if that child because of advanced maternal age due to extensive treatment ends up with some issue that could have been prevented with the use of a younger egg?

A lot of things wrong with what I just said. It's crazy, it's questionable, it's definitely opinionated, and it's out of character for someone my age. But that's where my mind is. I don't get caught up in "normal" drama. I don't obsess myself with obvious short-term relationships for the sake of having someone. I don't care about high school period, in case anyone hasn't figured that out yet. The only boy I obsessed over was a year ago because he left me and he had me convinced that he was The One. And now I have TJ, who I am utterly in love with but reluctant to believe is The One because I don't want to experience that kind of heartbreak ever again in my existence.

I am trapped in this world of pettiness and immaturity, but unfortunately only time will break me out.

Love,
Caitlyn