The Times That Try Men's Souls

Coincidentally, today is a year past last year's Homecoming. Disastrous I know but I've turned it around I think. This year's homecoming was the best ever.

I'm sitting in my bathroom waiting for my hair dye to be done working so I can commence with my day. For school I'm baking a Halloween-ish cookie, writing my college application essay, and doing Biology junk. But TJ is coming over later which I like.

We're on a break now. I just needed some time to see if I can do things on my own, plus I haven't been truly single since I was 11. Yeah. I don't want to break up with him, I have zero reason to, but we compromised and you can read his side of things daily on thequasibreak-up.blogspot.com. I love him, I truly do, and I don't want to jeopardize what we have.

Still going up to UNC in two weeks, despite Graham's nasty comments about my opinions. He can act however he wants, say whatever he wants, but I know the truth. No one likes being shrinked, which is what I did, and so what he said to me has nothing to do with how right I am.

I love my job. I don't want to run out the door, I want to stay. The mom said that she may not go back to school after this semester, and I nearly cried because I love those two kids. Even the baby, and he's thrown up on me more times than I can count.

I'm signed up for the SAT and ACT on the first two Saturdays of December. Cannot wait. It's my first real step into getting ready for college, and applying is less than a year away. My life, my adult life, is so close I can taste it. And it is heavenly.

Also: I met Patrick Stump at a show he played at The Ritz. He was awesome and perfect, and he got me a photo pass so I could be in front of the barrier to take pictures. More to come. Maybe I'll make a photo blog somewhere...hey that's an idea.

Timer's up. What timing!

Love,
Caitlyn

To Graham (again)

First off, I want to apologize for the way I reacted the other night. Please allow me the chance to explain and elaborate.

I did not appreciate your girlfriend telling me to essentially "fuck off." I do not and have not spoken to her that way, and if she had talked with me intelligently I would be more than willing to hear her side of things. Until that happens, let's keep this between the two of us.

I'm going to be brutally honest, about my opinions on the both of us. Did you forget I intend to be a psychology major and can very accurately pick up on what people say and in what manner? I figured you had.

During our conversation Friday night, it became incredibly obvious that you definitely still have feelings for me, and that you don't need to see me for that to be both clear and certain of that. What you tell your girlfriend about your heart is your business, but I know better. Always have. If you were over me, you wouldn't still be hurt by a mistake I made two years ago. The reason I wonder what would happen if we saw each other is that I don't know what I feel for you. I'm hurt by what you did to me, and I like to think that I'm healing, but I'm aware a connection like what we had never goes away. Would you rather be married or in a real, serious relationship one day and randomly bump into each other on the street and hash it out there, or would you rather get this out of the way young? I vote young. If we end up realizing at this get-together that we have feelings for each other still, then we can figure it out without having our hormones and subsequent feelings taking over. I know in every fiber of my being that we're able to be mature enough to handle this in a healthy manner. I mean, chances are I will be going to UNC for 5 years, living off campus and establishing residency, so I'll be in the area for awhile.

If seeing me is what you truly want to do, then do it regardless of what your girlfriend says. It's about you, becoming emotionally healthy, is it not? I don't intend or want to do anything physical or questionable with you. There is nothing wrong with having a conversation with someone you had a deep, deep connection with. In the movie The Break-Up, at the end, the former couple runs into each other on the street and makes a "date" for coffee or something like that. That's all I want to do: make a "date" to be friends, or at least establish some kind of definition on what we can be. If she can't trust you to be alone with me, to the point where she curses me out, then that's a very, very obvious flaw and conflict in your relationship.

On your own, you expressed to me wanting to see me for closure, but with your girlfriend present you say "I think a year's long enough." On your own, you're friendly, open, and joking with me, but when with her you say we can never be friends. In addition to being friendly with me when you're alone, when you're with her you're snappy and rude. Do you have any idea what you did to me? How far you set me back? Yet you claim not to care. How could you not care, Graham?

Out of respect to our former relationship, I ask that we still see each other on November 11th. You and I both know that we need it, with the best case scenario being that we can finally put what we both did to each other behind us and move on.

Speaking of our past, I don't appreciate your girlfriend having my necklace. My mom told me. Don't you remember the meaningful story behind it, how it was my 6-month/Christmas present? Remember your intention to put a tiny third heart attached on the bottom? Yeah. Giving her my necklace doesn't say "I respect a former love, who I thought was the love of my life." Also, I wonder what happened to the ring, the blanket, and the pillow. Ya know?

In addition, and in my final statement, I'm not getting the vibe you love her. In fact, I'm getting a "I'm only with her so I can get laid and I'm turning into a pig" vibe. If you loved her, you'd go home more than the standard "I have to go home once a month" weekend to see her. If you loved her, you would have found a way to give her a different necklace than the one that you know constantly reminds you of me. If you loved her, you'd be honest with her about every last detail, because that's what a real relationship is. Also, because of how you treated me the other night, I picked up on the "I'm only saying these things and reacting this way because she told me to and if I don't I won't be having sex."

I apologize if any of this has offended you. I just needed to get that all out in the open. If I never hear from you again, even after you read this, know that a part of my heart will always have your name on it and our relationship had a profound impact on my life, and for that I thank you. I apologize for all the hurt I've caused you, and I wish you the best. If you could just comment here or text me to let me know you actually read this, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Because I do, in fact, think I'll hear from you, I look forward to hearing your response.

Sincerely,
Luna

Flash Forward?

For the past month, a few events have transpired.

School's pretty alright. I have 3 C's (2 are borderline B's), 2 B's, and an A, and the best part is that I'm actually getting the material. I finally feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be. Guess it's good the whole Dual Enrollment thing never went through right?

TJ is just...amazing. Enough said. Today is our nine-month, and I'm so glad to have him in my life.

So I've been talking to Graham a bit, or rather I was. I felt as though our relationship (by which I mean friendship) was finally healing and getting to a good, progressive place. He even requested to be friends on Facebook via text (he's blocked). After not texting for a bit, he, out of the clear blue sky at 7:14 PM (the time was special while we were together) said "Hey, I visited the spot where I proposed to you today and I thought I should let you know." No, I did not change one word in that quote. No, I did not mix it up at all. That's what I got, that's what I had to work with. I asked my friends and my mom and I received mix results: Chelsi said he still had feelings for me, Marni said the past should stay in the past, and my mom agreed with Chelsi. Her reasoning was that a) he had had time to think about it (not like it had just happened; it had gone on earlier in the day) and b) he said VISIT. Not passed, not saw. Visited, "like you visited a grave site," she said. When I finally replied later that night, we joked about things and whatnot and then it ended when I fell asleep.

In the days that followed, my mind was on overload about Graham and that text message. I wondered if he thought that way all the time, I wondered what he was actually thinking about at that moment. I was curious about quite a few things, and among them a constantly recurring thought in my mind: what would happen if we ever saw each other again?

I ran this by my mom, who was more than supportive of the idea. She's friended him on Facebook (which I found really, really weird), and they've actually talked; I even suspect she likes him more than TJ. And so, when I got the OK from her, I asked Graham "if I were to come to Raleigh for a college visit, would you want us to see each other"? He replied "actually, yes, I think it would be good for closure." We arranged weekends that would be good for the both of us to meet up, which I then ran by my mom. I was getting excited about seeing him, because I want to put behind me any question about my feelings for him. Also, I want to be open with him, even friends (which I thought we were already becoming), which would mean that I want to talk about our love lives with each other, but I can't. I'm not over what he did, I'm not over him being with someone else, but I want to be.

So last Friday, I set up a college visit at UNC (it's a good school that's on my college list anyway) for a weekend that worked with us, and since he'd told me to keep him updated on the date, I did so. He responds with "actually, it's causing a lot of drama and I don't think it's a good idea." Over the next five hours, it ranged from that, to his girlfriend texting me and telling me to "leave him the fuck alone" (quite a charmer, isn't she?), to in the end Graham telling me we could never be friends because I cheated on him two years ago (see "Him" part 2). I responded, because I was incredibly upset, that he was never going to hear from me or about me ever again. He didn't respond.

I wish I could take my response back, but I can't. I haven't heard from him since that night, not that I expected to, but I wish I did so I could be totally honest. I haven't eaten a substantial anything since Friday at lunch. I've cried myself sick two nights in a row. I haven't been able to do homework. I had to have TJ by my side for the past two days. It wasn't a good situation.

I decided sometime either yesterday or this morning to write a subsequent post about this here to get it all out, once and for all. It will be written in second-person, to Graham, and then I will send him the link. Better than a million texts right? I won't send it for awhile, so that we both have time to cool off, but I think I should write it sooner rather than later. I will be heart-breakingly honest, because it's about time I've been honest about him, to his face. I'm not scared of what could happen, because I have nothing left to lose as far as he's concerned.

The UNC visit is still on, for Veteran's Day weekend. I can only hope we can actually see each other, because in my opinion we both need it.

I best go before I get too emotional.

Love,
Caitlyn