I'm a whirlwind of thoughts, of ideas. I don't know what to do with myself.
I broke down last night. I miss [the idea of] Ryanna. I'm going insane with the uncertainty of my life. And I have no one, not even Graham (yeah talking to him about all that last night was a mistake), and that kills me. I feel as though I'm dying inside and I can't do anything about it. No one will listen to me. No one is there for me.
It's making me crazy. It's making me crave the blade again. It's making me crave the curiosity of knowing what it's like on "the other side." It's making me crave to want to be a mother again, and now. But I can't have all three going on inside of me at once. Seriously I can't.
All damn morning I was practically a zombie, going over in my head every craving. I thought about starting up cutting again, how it would shut me up like it did four years ago. I thought about saying "Fuck it," sending off my suicide notes to everyone I know and calling it quits. I thought about throwing out this month's birth control and actively try to get pregnant. All insane, all pointing to me being committed or thrust into therapy (even though that didn't really help in the first place). But for now I sit here with the radio playing in the background, and I Skype with my boyfriend while he finishes his homework.
I feel terrible for knowing he can't help either, because he has no idea what this is like. Whenever we go through a scare, he flips out and worries about the negatives: what will we do with the baby, how will we tell our parents, what about school? Instead, I think about all the positives: what it would feel like to create a human being, the overwhelming joy of our child's' accomplishments. It's a curse, not worrying. It kills me, just like it kills me to know he can't help. All he says is that he loves me and that he promises that he isn't' going anywhere. While it's cute and I appreciate it, it gets annoying really fast, especially when I'm looking for answers and solutions on what to do in this scenario.
This coming Sunday will be the one year anniversary of my suicide attempt, marking my lowest point in my entire life after Graham left. I never shared the story did I? Well here it goes...
That Friday afternoon, I'd gone home with Jimmy to piss off my mom and ended up rolling around on his bed making out and...other things. Later, Graham had just ended our "reconciliation" and talked me to sleep, saying he'd call me in the morning (this was a Friday night into Saturday); he never called. I left a message and when I didn't get it back, by the time my parents left me home alone my mind was made up. Yes, it was an impulse decision, but I was done. I was finished with literally feeling sick to my stomach, being unable to eat and throwing up whatever I'd managed to eat. Gone from my mind were TJ (the first time around) and Jimmy, regardless of how I felt about them. All that was in my mind was Graham. And how devastated and dead I was. I went into the cabinet and downed 24 Bayer aspirin. I knew the effects wouldn't be immediate, so I laid on the couch with the TV on and waited to die, basically. Before I passed out, I thought about how my mom would walk in from Sam's Club and find me on the couch, dead. I wondered who she'd call first. I thought about how Graham would take it when he found out and whether or not he'd feel guilty. I thought about Jimmy and wondered if he'd regret all the things we hadn't figured out. I thought about TJ, who was the only one who loved me unconditionally. And then I was out. In retrospect, I'm not sure what this next part was: was it a dream, or was it really Heaven? I remember being in white, walking through this easy maze. Everything was really bright, and then I got to this room that kinda looked like mine but instead everything was pure white and airy. One of the walls opened up all the way to reveal white empty space, but I recall it not being a bad empty space. I'd go as far to say it was more inviting and tranquil. Anyway, this woman appeared in a similar white dress out of the empty space: she was pale but healthy-looking, slender, and had curly chestnut hair. We were talking about going into the white space, and I wanted to, but for whatever reason I turned back. And then I woke up. I told Graham later that night what had happened over the phone, then expressed a desire to finish the job the following day (to which he threatened to call my mom). We fell asleep on the phone again, only I woke up at about 3 AM practically deaf and throwing up everywhere, and I was dizzy beyond belief. I went to the ER, and all they had to say was that my inner ears were off. What an understatement.
I found out later that I could have permanently damaged my hearing, although I hadn't been far off on the number of pills from death. A year after all this, the same thoughts are back. I wonder who would miss me, what people would do. I just...feel really sad all over again like before. And the worst part is that whenever I think of Graham and my's breakup, I can feel those feelings again; I wasn't able to before (probably a defense mechanism that's failing). Just because I'm over Graham and I've moved on doesn't mean I don't still hurt from what he did to me. Don't kid yourselves; I'm continuously in the process of picking up the pieces to my heart. Besides, I'd have to look up ways that wouldn't damage my hearing in the long run if I failed. I love music too much.
Like I said, this is all crazy. I'm crazy. All I want to do is get into the fetal position, turn on some music, and cry. I feel so defenseless and powerless and out of control. But it's not over 'till it's over. Nothing's over until it's truly over.
Which brings me full circle, and changing the topic, to Jimmy. I was late to history and while walking there I caught him staring at me. Staring me down with those electric eyes. Goddamn. I just have to remember what I have, which is so much better than he could ever give me; I just have to wait it out another nine months. Not too hard, right? But that's definitely not over 'till it's over, and over means he'll be long gone in college.
Okay now I'm doing a goodnight.
Love,
Caitlyn
Monday, September 12, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Ryanna and Mom
A recurring theme in the past 3 years or so of my life has been motherhood, whether I was intent on becoming a teen mom or just acknowledging that I want to be a mother some day. And with some recently discovered genetic issues, my maternal senses have once again floored to the forefront of my mind.
For those of you who don't know, or never read Graham's posting (prior to him deleting his blog) about it, back in 2009 I miscarried a [suspected] pregnancy, to which he and I were most depressed about; I'd even go as far to say that it's where our problems sprang from. We, or at least I, felt it would have been a girl, and so we used our intended first-born girl name to reference her: Ryanna. Losing her affected us deeply: we cried for weeks, we were delirious. We didn't know what to do with ourselves. We were heartbroken. In the following year, we begun to heal and live our lives, even on what would have been Ry's date of birth, but then on the anniversary of losing her, all of that progress went to hell. We were on the phone (in fact, it was the last meaningful conversation we had prior to our break up) and I brought it up, just talking about her like we used to do, but we fell apart again, crying again, sobbing about how much we missed her and wished we'd been able to have her. Of course, I understand we most likely wouldn't have been able to parent her together, and more likely than not he would've left me a single mother what with states between us, and while I won't say that I'm glad she isn't here, I will say that everything happens for a reason. It's been two years since she's been gone, and I'm proud to say I've grown, although I do miss her.
Now for today. TJ and I have experienced quite a few pregnancy scares, and while I'm not crazy enough to want to be pregnant, I can't help but have my mind explore the possibility. I'm also not crazy enough to try getting pregnant. By no means would I ever trick TJ into staying with me by getting pregnant, and I am not starving for love enough to bring an innocent life into this world for unconditional love. If I, at this or a closely clustered age, happen to become pregnant by chance, then I will deal with it as it comes, while taking into account all variables (no, abortion isn't an option for me).
However, some health aspects have recently come up in my life. My mother was married at 19 and could not become pregnant naturally; the causes are and were unknown. I'm her only child after seven IVF attempts. What if that's genetic? What if that's inheritable? What if I'm not able to have children naturally? What if I'm not able to have children at all? Then came her diagnoses of cervical cancer and issues with her uterus and ovarian cysts. It's hitting me double: I'm worried about my mom, and I'm worried about my future. And then came her thyroid issues. She has an auto-immune disease attacking her thyroid, to the extent that when it dies she'll have to orally take the hormones it produces. But that's not all. The issue with her thyroid is definitely inheritable, and I can be tested to see if I'm a carrier, but it can cause major issues for women trying to get pregnant, because it causes miscarriages.
Miscarriages. Even if I end up being able to get pregnant (which I'm still skeptical about), that means most of the babies won't be carried to term? That's not okay. Really not okay. I'm not a selfish human being. I was even considering, when I'm in a stable place when I'm older, on being a surrogate for people unable to have children, and this is the news I receive in return? How cruel can God be?
This leaves me wondering if I'm even able to be pregnant. And then there was Krystal, who I noticed my freshman year. She was 17 and in IB, and three months pregnant when the year started. I heard through the grapevine that she'd become pregnant on purpose as a result of the diagnosis of uterine cancer in her family, which in the next ten years would render her infertile. At the first part of that, I thought she was crazy, but upon hearing the rest of it, I started reconsidering. If you knew that one day in your youth, perhaps by the age of 25 or so, you would be unable to have children and you were able to have them now, even though you were young, wouldn't you do the same? I would. I understand education is important, and under normal circumstances all that logic would win, but I'm sorry if I knew today I'd be unable to have children in the future and had the option to have kids now I would. Family is all you have left at the end of the day, and personally my main goal in life is, besides helping people in counseling/surrogacy, to have a family.
I am scared beyond words of this uncertainty, and absolutely no one understands it. TJ wasn't there with Ryanna, and Graham isn't here now to fully understand it either, even though he would be the "better" person to turn to right now because of the past and only because of the past. I'll see how I can do on my own and with TJ, but otherwise I don't know what to do other than wait and beg my mom to have me tested for that damn gene.
Love,
Caitlyn
For those of you who don't know, or never read Graham's posting (prior to him deleting his blog) about it, back in 2009 I miscarried a [suspected] pregnancy, to which he and I were most depressed about; I'd even go as far to say that it's where our problems sprang from. We, or at least I, felt it would have been a girl, and so we used our intended first-born girl name to reference her: Ryanna. Losing her affected us deeply: we cried for weeks, we were delirious. We didn't know what to do with ourselves. We were heartbroken. In the following year, we begun to heal and live our lives, even on what would have been Ry's date of birth, but then on the anniversary of losing her, all of that progress went to hell. We were on the phone (in fact, it was the last meaningful conversation we had prior to our break up) and I brought it up, just talking about her like we used to do, but we fell apart again, crying again, sobbing about how much we missed her and wished we'd been able to have her. Of course, I understand we most likely wouldn't have been able to parent her together, and more likely than not he would've left me a single mother what with states between us, and while I won't say that I'm glad she isn't here, I will say that everything happens for a reason. It's been two years since she's been gone, and I'm proud to say I've grown, although I do miss her.
Now for today. TJ and I have experienced quite a few pregnancy scares, and while I'm not crazy enough to want to be pregnant, I can't help but have my mind explore the possibility. I'm also not crazy enough to try getting pregnant. By no means would I ever trick TJ into staying with me by getting pregnant, and I am not starving for love enough to bring an innocent life into this world for unconditional love. If I, at this or a closely clustered age, happen to become pregnant by chance, then I will deal with it as it comes, while taking into account all variables (no, abortion isn't an option for me).
However, some health aspects have recently come up in my life. My mother was married at 19 and could not become pregnant naturally; the causes are and were unknown. I'm her only child after seven IVF attempts. What if that's genetic? What if that's inheritable? What if I'm not able to have children naturally? What if I'm not able to have children at all? Then came her diagnoses of cervical cancer and issues with her uterus and ovarian cysts. It's hitting me double: I'm worried about my mom, and I'm worried about my future. And then came her thyroid issues. She has an auto-immune disease attacking her thyroid, to the extent that when it dies she'll have to orally take the hormones it produces. But that's not all. The issue with her thyroid is definitely inheritable, and I can be tested to see if I'm a carrier, but it can cause major issues for women trying to get pregnant, because it causes miscarriages.
Miscarriages. Even if I end up being able to get pregnant (which I'm still skeptical about), that means most of the babies won't be carried to term? That's not okay. Really not okay. I'm not a selfish human being. I was even considering, when I'm in a stable place when I'm older, on being a surrogate for people unable to have children, and this is the news I receive in return? How cruel can God be?
This leaves me wondering if I'm even able to be pregnant. And then there was Krystal, who I noticed my freshman year. She was 17 and in IB, and three months pregnant when the year started. I heard through the grapevine that she'd become pregnant on purpose as a result of the diagnosis of uterine cancer in her family, which in the next ten years would render her infertile. At the first part of that, I thought she was crazy, but upon hearing the rest of it, I started reconsidering. If you knew that one day in your youth, perhaps by the age of 25 or so, you would be unable to have children and you were able to have them now, even though you were young, wouldn't you do the same? I would. I understand education is important, and under normal circumstances all that logic would win, but I'm sorry if I knew today I'd be unable to have children in the future and had the option to have kids now I would. Family is all you have left at the end of the day, and personally my main goal in life is, besides helping people in counseling/surrogacy, to have a family.
I am scared beyond words of this uncertainty, and absolutely no one understands it. TJ wasn't there with Ryanna, and Graham isn't here now to fully understand it either, even though he would be the "better" person to turn to right now because of the past and only because of the past. I'll see how I can do on my own and with TJ, but otherwise I don't know what to do other than wait and beg my mom to have me tested for that damn gene.
Love,
Caitlyn
Two Months (To The Day!)
Way too long since I've been away, so I apologize to anyone who's reading, but I've just been really super busy. I have a job ($80/week), a bunch of homework, and a social life to balance. Sorry.
So, Rochester Summer Program. A-mazing. Definitely going back next summer for college credit! It also affirmed my desire to attend college at U of R, so it's my top school. The weather was beautiful, by the way, and it's just so...amazing there. And I feel like I have roots there, which is well-appreciated.
On July 14th (gasp), Graham and I talked a little, but not extensively. He only acknowledged the day after he requested advice for his love life (which was totally inconsiderate of me), and it was referenced as "happy anniversary of the day we met." I spent the rest of the day at Busch Gardens with TJ and Chelsi trying to forget how upset I was, but I thoroughly enjoyed my day regardless. Since then, Graham and I have somewhat reopened communication to the point where we do talk some; he's texted me on his own asking if we could be friends on Facebook, but I'm not ready. I honestly don't think I'll ever be ready. He was a big part of my life for a long time, and during that time we were very close; that's why I attempted suicide isn't it? Yes, I'm over him; yes, I've moved on. But I still have a hard time discussing and being aware of his life now, without me and with girls (the general origin of our break up still gets to me on occasion). I do like being open with him though, and being friends is as far as I ever want to go. [Note: this whole part was written at 7:14 PM. Creepy?]
Got to see Patrick Stump in concert last month, and I was standing literally at his feet. I have pictures on my Twitter and Tumblr of that night, and I intend to post the pictures I've edited for my IB art show. Also, I cannot wait to see him AND Panic! At The Disco in October. In fact, that whole weekend will be amazing: Howl-O-Scream on Thursday night, Homecoming Friday night, Disney (tentative) on Saturday, and the concert on Sunday.
School has been going very well thus far. Definitely better than last year. I've befriended Lizzy Mapes, who is Jimmy's ex a couple times over. We have art together (I sit with her and Chels at our table), and while she's aware that I've known Jimmy since middle school, I don't think she knows our history (nor do I intend to tell her). I use to hate her because of how infatuated Jimmy was with her, but as I got to know her I noticed how alike we were.
Speaking of Jimmy, I've figured him out: there's nothing there. We can be civil and communicate, but outside of that? Nothing. A couple days after my last post I posed a break of sorts on TJ so I had the freedom to think and express what I needed to (more specifically on him soon). While we did hang out on the 13th (he kissed me; I didn't return the "favor"), I couldn't help but get mixed messages from him, and so I set out to figure us out once and for all. For years I've been dragged around by my feelings for him, to the point where I lost someone near and dear to my heart and where I've hurt people I love. And that's not okay. I talked to him, asked the questions I've been waiting at least a year to ask, without dancing around the point. I was open and honest and direct, and that's what I got in return. He confirmed what I already knew, that there's always been something [physical] between us, but he then elaborated to say that there's no way we could go beyond that. It's what I needed to hear. When you've been in love with someone for quite awhile (I've loved Jimmy since...shit. Like, 7th grade?), when all you thought you wanted was this one person at multiple times at different intervals, and when you're finally with someone so much better and so much different and so much perfection, you need either some type of closure or some way of settling it so there's no unfinished business. Unfinished business with Jimmy ruined me and Graham, and I refuse to let it ruin me and TJ, or maybe me and someone else in the future. But it's done; I have closure. He doesn't want to be with me romantically. I'm proud to say that when he told me so, I did not cry and I wasn't sad. I was relieved.
Which brings me to TJ. I am so in love you all have no clue. It's not the "crazy obsessive IhavetobewithhimrightnoworI'lldie" love either. It's simple. It's sweet. It's mature. It's not powered by lust (though I won't deny that the sex and other sexual acts are great). It would have been a year with him a few days ago, and when we both realized this I regretted immediately breaking up with him last October. If me now could go back to me then...oh the things I would do different in my love life. But I can't go back. However, at 8 months in, I'm happier than I've been in a long time, and I know he's happy too. I feel alive with him, but that's not to say I don't feel alive without him. I feel complete with him, thought not to say that I don't feel complete away from him. He's an added bonus, an optional aspect of my life that I definitely am taking advantage of. As my family has noted, our relationship is healthy, and I agree fully. Who knows where we could go, but I don't see us ending any time soon. I have a hard enough time pinpointing what could end us (as in the dynamics of our relationship; I do have deal-breakers. And standards).
I realize that there's more to be said, but this was meant to be a summary. Details in the coming days on unmentioned topics.
Love,
Caitlyn
So, Rochester Summer Program. A-mazing. Definitely going back next summer for college credit! It also affirmed my desire to attend college at U of R, so it's my top school. The weather was beautiful, by the way, and it's just so...amazing there. And I feel like I have roots there, which is well-appreciated.
On July 14th (gasp), Graham and I talked a little, but not extensively. He only acknowledged the day after he requested advice for his love life (which was totally inconsiderate of me), and it was referenced as "happy anniversary of the day we met." I spent the rest of the day at Busch Gardens with TJ and Chelsi trying to forget how upset I was, but I thoroughly enjoyed my day regardless. Since then, Graham and I have somewhat reopened communication to the point where we do talk some; he's texted me on his own asking if we could be friends on Facebook, but I'm not ready. I honestly don't think I'll ever be ready. He was a big part of my life for a long time, and during that time we were very close; that's why I attempted suicide isn't it? Yes, I'm over him; yes, I've moved on. But I still have a hard time discussing and being aware of his life now, without me and with girls (the general origin of our break up still gets to me on occasion). I do like being open with him though, and being friends is as far as I ever want to go. [Note: this whole part was written at 7:14 PM. Creepy?]
Got to see Patrick Stump in concert last month, and I was standing literally at his feet. I have pictures on my Twitter and Tumblr of that night, and I intend to post the pictures I've edited for my IB art show. Also, I cannot wait to see him AND Panic! At The Disco in October. In fact, that whole weekend will be amazing: Howl-O-Scream on Thursday night, Homecoming Friday night, Disney (tentative) on Saturday, and the concert on Sunday.
School has been going very well thus far. Definitely better than last year. I've befriended Lizzy Mapes, who is Jimmy's ex a couple times over. We have art together (I sit with her and Chels at our table), and while she's aware that I've known Jimmy since middle school, I don't think she knows our history (nor do I intend to tell her). I use to hate her because of how infatuated Jimmy was with her, but as I got to know her I noticed how alike we were.
Speaking of Jimmy, I've figured him out: there's nothing there. We can be civil and communicate, but outside of that? Nothing. A couple days after my last post I posed a break of sorts on TJ so I had the freedom to think and express what I needed to (more specifically on him soon). While we did hang out on the 13th (he kissed me; I didn't return the "favor"), I couldn't help but get mixed messages from him, and so I set out to figure us out once and for all. For years I've been dragged around by my feelings for him, to the point where I lost someone near and dear to my heart and where I've hurt people I love. And that's not okay. I talked to him, asked the questions I've been waiting at least a year to ask, without dancing around the point. I was open and honest and direct, and that's what I got in return. He confirmed what I already knew, that there's always been something [physical] between us, but he then elaborated to say that there's no way we could go beyond that. It's what I needed to hear. When you've been in love with someone for quite awhile (I've loved Jimmy since...shit. Like, 7th grade?), when all you thought you wanted was this one person at multiple times at different intervals, and when you're finally with someone so much better and so much different and so much perfection, you need either some type of closure or some way of settling it so there's no unfinished business. Unfinished business with Jimmy ruined me and Graham, and I refuse to let it ruin me and TJ, or maybe me and someone else in the future. But it's done; I have closure. He doesn't want to be with me romantically. I'm proud to say that when he told me so, I did not cry and I wasn't sad. I was relieved.
Which brings me to TJ. I am so in love you all have no clue. It's not the "crazy obsessive IhavetobewithhimrightnoworI'lldie" love either. It's simple. It's sweet. It's mature. It's not powered by lust (though I won't deny that the sex and other sexual acts are great). It would have been a year with him a few days ago, and when we both realized this I regretted immediately breaking up with him last October. If me now could go back to me then...oh the things I would do different in my love life. But I can't go back. However, at 8 months in, I'm happier than I've been in a long time, and I know he's happy too. I feel alive with him, but that's not to say I don't feel alive without him. I feel complete with him, thought not to say that I don't feel complete away from him. He's an added bonus, an optional aspect of my life that I definitely am taking advantage of. As my family has noted, our relationship is healthy, and I agree fully. Who knows where we could go, but I don't see us ending any time soon. I have a hard enough time pinpointing what could end us (as in the dynamics of our relationship; I do have deal-breakers. And standards).
I realize that there's more to be said, but this was meant to be a summary. Details in the coming days on unmentioned topics.
Love,
Caitlyn
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