I've loved Graham for quite a bit of my life. He's been my everything for as long as I can remember. Whenever I had a problem, he was there, as was I there for him.
He confessed to me a little over a week ago that he had been seeing another girl for awhile and that he had never talked to his dad in the first place. I've been having a hard time with that, why wouldn't I, but my mood swings over the situation have been causing fights between Graham and me.
He's told me that he guarantees me a few things: that he'll marry me, that I'm his "number one," and that by the tenth of January he'll talk to his dad to set up a visit. He has failed to demonstrate time and time again that second guarantee.
I never expect that I come before school or family or soccer, but I do expect that I come far before some girl that he repeatedly tells me he'll be dumping anyway. I told him that this morning, and it caused another fight, and we haven't spoken in quite a few hours now.
I really am tired of him hurting me, regardless of how much I love him and want to be with him. It isn't right. If anyone else treated me this way, they'd be out of my life so fast they'd blink and poof.
Here's my break up, and please pardon the length and timestamps because I sent this over Skype (which I know he hasn't read yet):
I probably shouldn't do this over Skype messaging
[11:31:31 AM] Cait: I probably shouldn't do this at all
[11:31:47 AM] Cait: and I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that says I'm going to regret this
[11:31:54 AM] Cait: I love you, so much
[11:32:25 AM] Cait: you've been my everything for as long as I can remember
[11:32:35 AM] Cait: you've been my best friend, lover, and yet so much more
[11:32:47 AM] Cait: and I value you to an invaluable amount in my life
[11:33:33 AM] Cait: you say quite often you love me, that you care about me, that I'm your one and only, that I'm your true love, that you guarantee you'll marry me
[11:33:41 AM] Cait: in a way I believe you
[11:34:05 AM] Cait: and in a way I also believe you want me and need me
[11:34:15 AM] Cait: but I'm hurting too much
[11:34:23 AM] Cait: you're hurting me too much
[11:34:50 AM] Cait: when you say that I'm the most important thing in your life, I want to believe it
[11:34:56 AM] Cait: but you do too much that makes me not believe it
[11:35:06 AM] Cait: I'm taking a huge risk by doing this
[11:35:33 AM] Cait: it can go either one of two ways: you tell me you love me and ask me to stay and say you're willing to do anything to make me stay
[11:35:41 AM] Cait: or you'll be happy without me
[11:35:46 AM] Cait: I'm hoping for the former
[11:35:50 AM] Cait: but I understand the latter
[11:36:32 AM] Cait: because I know that I am quite a handful
[11:37:05 AM] Cait: unfortunately I can't deal with the uncertainty anymore
[11:37:11 AM] Cait: I'm not asking you to pick and choose
[11:37:17 AM] Cait: I'm not asking for anything
[11:37:27 AM] Cait: I do love you Graham Benson
[11:38:08 AM] Cait: and maybe sometime in the future, whether it be when you get these messages or anytime later than that, you'll be ready and want me to be with you forever and always
[11:38:32 AM] Cait: and when that happens, we can have our happily ever after
[11:39:14 AM] Cait: you know, the family and marriage and a beautiful wedding day and growing old together
[11:39:23 AM] Cait: I'll miss you
[11:39:41 AM] Cait: but I have to let you go, because I can't handle this anymore
[11:40:13 AM] Cait: please don't contact me whatsoever unless you want me back
[11:40:21 AM] Cait: please don't even tweet
[11:40:35 AM] Cait: I'm not mad or upset
[11:40:48 AM] Cait: but this needs to be done
[11:40:56 AM] Cait: again, I love you honey, so much it hurts
[11:41:19 AM] Cait: but I have to let you go until the day you realize what I truly am to you
[11:41:36 AM] Cait: goodbye Mr. Dazzle *kiss*
All of it is true, every last word. I do love him, and someday I hope to have our future together if life permits. But I can't do this if he's going to hurt me. If we're meant to be, everything will work out. If he called me up after reading it and asked me to stay, breaking up with Blair on the spot, I'd stay, but I'm not going to share him or be put into limbo of whether or not he'll be with me right now.
Until he reads it, we're still together, but once he does I'm single. I won't be looking for a boyfriend for awhile so I can avoid the TJ situation, but maybe I'll be ready one day.
Love,
Caitlyn
Talking with all the experience of a 44 year old married man, who has been with his love for 20 years, as the brother of a woman who was in a violent relationship, and as the step-father of a woman in a relationship where her partner has no respect for her, get rid of the b*****d and do not take him back.
ReplyDeleteIf he has been prepared to see another woman, he does not have respect for you.
He will tell you anything he thinks you want to hear because he wants to keep you. But he will only ever be with you on his terms.
Sometimes mistakes happen in relationships. Sometimes a single instance in a drunken moment can be forgiven, but "seeing another girl for awhile" shows that he is not, and cannot be, committed to you.
If you take him back, then the lesson he learns is that you will take him back. Whatever he says now, he will do it again. And again. Because part of him will believe he'll be able to talk you round if he's ever found out again, no matter what you tell him otherwise.
You deserve more than that. So much more than that.
Make a better life for yourself, with people who do respect you.
And if you have 3 minutes to spare, listen to this and allow yourself to feel it:
This is for you
Thank you so much. I really mean that. Coming from a complete stranger, I'm taking what you said to heart. And you're right. I just never wanted to admit it.
ReplyDelete