I broke up with TJ last night. My general reason for doing so is that being in a relationship with him is awkward, because we've been friends before, but more specific reasons are that whenever I want to sleep/be cute, he pokes me and wakes me up, proceeding to prod me for sexual acts (which I refused to do). I want a boyfriend that can be okay with being cute and letting me sleep in his arms, not someone that wants me awake only for his benefit. So last night, we broke up, today at school I got my homecoming ticket from him (Homecoming is Saturday and there will be pictures I promise!), and we just finished discussing the plans for homecoming night: we aren't going together, but we may see each other there and hang out or something. I'm officially going stag, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy my weekend!
Tomorrow I'm taking the day off of school tomorrow to do some homework, but that night two big things are happening: Chelsi and I are going to my church's International Festivale all night, and then she's sleeping over. Saturday is the big day, and after my psychologist appointment (at 8AM!) Chelsi and I are going to hang out and then get ready for homecoming together! I am so unbelievably stoked! Sunday is Halloween, and I'm trying to throw something together last minute just in case.
So then we're back to Graham I guess. Last night we spent awhile talking and discussing what we're going to do in order to start over our relationship. He said he needs time to go through his three steps: break up with Libby, finish up anything else (aka manwhoring around, which includes hanging out with girls after school), and then talk to his parents about visitation. He said last night that if I can accept that he needs time, then he's all mine, like today right this second. However I had some conditions: I won't be with him while he's in a relationship, and I consider anything after school close to a relationship, but if he can keep all his whoring around stuff in school (I'm trying my best to treat it like a job). He said it'd take up to two weeks to break up with Libby, and so we eventually decided that in three weeks (well, 17 days) we will officially be together again and be starting over in our relationship, although until our visits are reinstated he'll be whoring around at school (when the next 17 days are up he'll be talking to his parents about visits, which my mom is okay with being once every two months, and so two weeks before our first planned visit he stops the whoring around for good).
I know I'll be alright and that I can deal with all of this, but it still hurts that he just can't give it all up in 17 days when we start over. I want to be with him so bad it hurts, literally, and as a result I kind of feel like I'm settling with my thoughts on the situation just so I know we can be together. I'm thankful Graham's back in my life, and I'm praying for good, but I can't help wanting more from him. I'm trying really hard to keep these feelings to myself, because I don't want to risk him walking away again, and so blogging about my struggle is my happy medium. Hopefully I won't have to wait very long until we can be together and finally be alright again.
I'm working on improving my Pre-Calc Honors grade; last quarter I received a D (wonder why...), and so in order to pass for the semester (because I have to or else I get pulled from IB...yikes!) I need at least a 72 C this quarter and a C on the midterm. Right now my grade is a 76 C, so I'm really hopeful thus far. The rest of my grades are secure A's and B's, which for having three AP and two other PIB courses is pretty awesome. My current weighted GPA is 3.9166, which is a miracle I must say.
At youth group last night, we had to go into the bible and find a passage that spoke to us and write about it. Considering I don't know the bible very well, I just opened it and found quite a few relevant chapters and verses: Proverbs 5:1-23, 6:20-35, and 7:1-27. They're pretty epic just to read, so please read them, even if you aren't that religious or atheistic. But they really made my night, and even I particularly enjoyed them.
Off for now and I'll be back soon.
Love,
Caitlyn
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