My Mind

Summer is the time of the year where things usually become perfect; it's when Graham and I have all day to talk, when TIP comes and Graham and I are together for three weeks (including our anniversary), but summer is also when this free time results in often things that aren't exactly...good, to say the least.

There's been something recent come up in my life, and a friend's, that we're going through together, and for her discretion I will not say who this friend is or what our recent situation is, but I will say it's something pretty big, yet something we have somewhat conflicting views on. I have a feeling in my stomach that everything will be alright, and the facts and logic we know assures the two of us that we'll be fine, but there's still that doubt.

Otherwise, I have a couple other things going on in my mind. We all remember James, right? He has this girl he's in love with, Monika, and most recently in his love for her he stopped all dating for her so that they could be together in a long distance relationship; she, however, wasn't as ready to commit to long distance, claiming it was "too painful," and she would rather continue to date other guys and encouraged James to do the same. From what he's told me, he's very hurt by this, and I hate seeing him that way. As weird as it seems to quite a few people, I care about James very much and I always will, and additionally because of our past relations and such, that care is protective, as well (not to mention I'm naturally maternal). When he confided in me his situation last night, I flew off the wall so to speak. It drives me crazy, especially in something like love, when I see him keep all of his feelings to himself in order to keep his relationship with Monika to her level. I believe love is a mutual thing, and true love is when you can express yourself without worrying what the other person will think, and it also is where BOTH people make sacrifices for each other to make each other happy, no matter what. And from what I've heard from James, all the sacrifices being made are on his end, and he doesn't feel comfortable telling her what he feels about the situation. The last message I sent to him last night before I fell asleep (because I was so upset) was this: "Long distance proves, for a couple, that they can get through anything together if they try. If she can't go through this, what else can't she get through?"

Being in a long distance relationship (rather successfully, by the way), I know it isn't easy, I know it's painful, and it tears me apart to be away from Graham for such long times between visits. There have been more than enough times were he and I think that not being together would be best, that we'll keep the emotional intact by being friends but we'll satiate the physical cravings by dating other people. However, there are a couple things wrong with that thought process (which are the reasons that get me so worked up about James's situation): why waste our time with other people when we know that we're with each other for forever, and why let our parents know this and stay apart until we're eighteen when we could see each other often and be together? It's just, none of Monika's apparent argument makes sense to me. Sigh; it's all a mess.

The last part of my thoughts recently are just minor fears that I have:
1) Graham and I fall apart, one way or another,
2) I'll break and end up cheating on Graham,
3) Graham breaks and end up cheating on me,
4) My best friend and I grow apart,
5) I'll lose a couple of my other closest friends, and (as always)
6) My parents, or his parents, will shut Graham and I down.

Off for now; happy 54th birthday, Dad.

Love,
Caitlyn