I'm sleeping my way out of this one
With anyone who will lie down
I'll be stuck fixated on one star
When the world is crashing down
I keep telling myself
I keep telling myself
I'm not the desperate type
But you've got me looking through the blinds
I keep telling myself
I keep telling myself
I'm not the desperate type
Sitting out dances on the wall
Trying to forget everything that isn't you
I'm not going home alone
Cause I don't do too well
Sitting out dances on the wall
Trying to forget everything that isn't you
I'm not going home alone
Cause I don't do too well on my own
The only thing worse than not knowing
Is you thinking that I don't know
I'm having another episode
I just need a stronger dose
I keep telling myself
I keep telling myself
I'm not the desperate type
But you've got me looking through the blinds
I keep telling myself
I keep telling myself
I'm not the desperate type
Sitting out dances on the wall
Trying to forget everything that isn't you
I'm not going home alone
Cause I don't do too well
Sitting out dances on the wall
Trying to forget everything that isn't you
I'm not going home alone
Cause I don't do too well on my own
Da da da, da da da, da da da, dadadada
Na da da, da da da, da da da, dadadada
Do do do, do do do (x2)
I keep telling myself
I keep telling myself
I'm not the desperate type
But you've got me looking through the blinds
(Keep telling myself, keep telling myself, I'm not the desperate type)
Sitting out dances on the wall
Trying to forget everything that isn't you
I'm not going home alone
Cause I don't do too well on my own
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
How I Used To Be
So with nothing to really left to do or check online, I started looking up things on some of my favorite bands, and I'm sure you all know by now that I eventually zeroed in on Fall Out Boy.
I'm not really sure if I have a post out yet on how much that band's music (mostly Patrick's voice, among other characteristics of his) helped me in the past, so I'll just sum that up really quickly. Essentially, in seventh grade and the following summer before my first TIP term, I was a wreck to put it bluntly and the only thing I could console myself with besides cutting was Patrick Stump, lead singer/rhythm guitar player of Fall Out Boy. I was obsessed with his voice, and I later learned that fanfiction was written about him, so I got really into that, as well. I made a friend on a site called Buzznet (I no longer am active in the site), and we would swap and read our Stump fanfiction. Patrick helped me in more ways than anyone ever has, even though he never knew it (and likely never will), and I couldn't ever forget what he's done. Hence, any time I feel neglected or emotional or I want to cut really badly, I listen to Fall Out Boy (or Patrick's new solo single, "Love Selfish Love").
So while trolling this evening, I realized that I've never really allowed myself to mourn for the "indefinite hiatus (aka break up)" of the band that has helped me with a great deal in my past and present. I sit here typing this, about to cry and wanting so badly to just listen to all of their music on repeat for the rest of my life. It's like, every time I turn on one of their songs (usually one of my personal favorites and not singles) or read about them, I regress internally to the girl I used to be at twelve and thirteen, ignorant of the harsh realities of the world and just wanting to be loved and taken care of more than anything else.
Call it weird, call it being a "fan girl" or "groupie," call it whatever you want to, but it will always get to me every day for the rest of my life. I love that band to death, and the song I'll probably be singing in my head the day I die will be one by the (in)famous FOB from Chicago, IL.
Love,
Caitlyn
I'm not really sure if I have a post out yet on how much that band's music (mostly Patrick's voice, among other characteristics of his) helped me in the past, so I'll just sum that up really quickly. Essentially, in seventh grade and the following summer before my first TIP term, I was a wreck to put it bluntly and the only thing I could console myself with besides cutting was Patrick Stump, lead singer/rhythm guitar player of Fall Out Boy. I was obsessed with his voice, and I later learned that fanfiction was written about him, so I got really into that, as well. I made a friend on a site called Buzznet (I no longer am active in the site), and we would swap and read our Stump fanfiction. Patrick helped me in more ways than anyone ever has, even though he never knew it (and likely never will), and I couldn't ever forget what he's done. Hence, any time I feel neglected or emotional or I want to cut really badly, I listen to Fall Out Boy (or Patrick's new solo single, "Love Selfish Love").
So while trolling this evening, I realized that I've never really allowed myself to mourn for the "indefinite hiatus (aka break up)" of the band that has helped me with a great deal in my past and present. I sit here typing this, about to cry and wanting so badly to just listen to all of their music on repeat for the rest of my life. It's like, every time I turn on one of their songs (usually one of my personal favorites and not singles) or read about them, I regress internally to the girl I used to be at twelve and thirteen, ignorant of the harsh realities of the world and just wanting to be loved and taken care of more than anything else.
Call it weird, call it being a "fan girl" or "groupie," call it whatever you want to, but it will always get to me every day for the rest of my life. I love that band to death, and the song I'll probably be singing in my head the day I die will be one by the (in)famous FOB from Chicago, IL.
Love,
Caitlyn
TIP Update
So here I am at TIP, into the third week with only a couple days to go. Getting onto a computer for personal reasons, "legally," is like trying to not shiver naked in a blizzard, but fortunately I have received the opportunity to get the evening activity Library for the night; it's the reason I'm talking to ya'll right now.
I absolutely adore my class, subject and person-wise. Overall, this is my favorite TIP experience (so far), and I am so glad I didn't chicken out to save money for a later date (aka Europe). This brings me to question whether or not I'm willing to sacrifice my fourth-year, fourth-year status (we're a dying breed) for a couple weeks in Europe. I'm sure the opportunity to travel to France and such will always be there, and I can only do TIP one more time before I can no longer do so (without becoming a fifth-year, fourth-year but they're a different story).
My RAG (RC group, whatever) has become the closest thing to a family I have at TIP, even though I have favorites among those I am able to get along with and am friends with but we probably won't stay in touch. Out of the original sixteen, we've lost two: the first was Stephanie during the second week, and she was hospitalized due to a medical condition that has been undisclosed to us (and not to be mean but she was always the odd one out anyway), and the second was Roja last night, and she had to leave because of a national tennis tournament that she would never have the option to due again. But for the rest of the girls, we all get along okay to an extent but overall I feel close to maybe a few.
Graham and I celebrated our two-year anniversary during the first week, and it went alright, but TIP is very strict at West campus on the PDA rules (apparently, kissing foreheads is going too far), and so we've had to move our affections into alcoves where RCs hardly go by. Thankfully, both of our RCs understand our struggles and have said to us both together personally that they have nothing wrong with "being sweet" in the alcoves on our hall. However, this brings me to a slightly less positive topic. In the past couple weeks, quite a few issues we have had were brought to my attention. I informed Graham of these issues, and all in all we broke up in our second week. Now, upon later examination of the situation, we decided that while we're staying broken up after TIP, we're going to make the best of the time we have left together. We recognize that what we have is too real to just give up on it entirely, so we do still plan for things after we're eighteen, but in high school we're cooling it. I mean, I have IB to think about, and I honestly cannot afford to get hurt again and be distracted in any way, not to mention the frustration I have sexually.
Anyway, I'll be back once I get home (and when I'm done with school work) to give details of TIP and to finish the "Love of my Life" posts.
I hope I don't get TIPression too bad...
Love,
Caitlyn
I absolutely adore my class, subject and person-wise. Overall, this is my favorite TIP experience (so far), and I am so glad I didn't chicken out to save money for a later date (aka Europe). This brings me to question whether or not I'm willing to sacrifice my fourth-year, fourth-year status (we're a dying breed) for a couple weeks in Europe. I'm sure the opportunity to travel to France and such will always be there, and I can only do TIP one more time before I can no longer do so (without becoming a fifth-year, fourth-year but they're a different story).
My RAG (RC group, whatever) has become the closest thing to a family I have at TIP, even though I have favorites among those I am able to get along with and am friends with but we probably won't stay in touch. Out of the original sixteen, we've lost two: the first was Stephanie during the second week, and she was hospitalized due to a medical condition that has been undisclosed to us (and not to be mean but she was always the odd one out anyway), and the second was Roja last night, and she had to leave because of a national tennis tournament that she would never have the option to due again. But for the rest of the girls, we all get along okay to an extent but overall I feel close to maybe a few.
Graham and I celebrated our two-year anniversary during the first week, and it went alright, but TIP is very strict at West campus on the PDA rules (apparently, kissing foreheads is going too far), and so we've had to move our affections into alcoves where RCs hardly go by. Thankfully, both of our RCs understand our struggles and have said to us both together personally that they have nothing wrong with "being sweet" in the alcoves on our hall. However, this brings me to a slightly less positive topic. In the past couple weeks, quite a few issues we have had were brought to my attention. I informed Graham of these issues, and all in all we broke up in our second week. Now, upon later examination of the situation, we decided that while we're staying broken up after TIP, we're going to make the best of the time we have left together. We recognize that what we have is too real to just give up on it entirely, so we do still plan for things after we're eighteen, but in high school we're cooling it. I mean, I have IB to think about, and I honestly cannot afford to get hurt again and be distracted in any way, not to mention the frustration I have sexually.
Anyway, I'll be back once I get home (and when I'm done with school work) to give details of TIP and to finish the "Love of my Life" posts.
I hope I don't get TIPression too bad...
Love,
Caitlyn
Saturday, July 3, 2010
My Mind
Summer is the time of the year where things usually become perfect; it's when Graham and I have all day to talk, when TIP comes and Graham and I are together for three weeks (including our anniversary), but summer is also when this free time results in often things that aren't exactly...good, to say the least.
There's been something recent come up in my life, and a friend's, that we're going through together, and for her discretion I will not say who this friend is or what our recent situation is, but I will say it's something pretty big, yet something we have somewhat conflicting views on. I have a feeling in my stomach that everything will be alright, and the facts and logic we know assures the two of us that we'll be fine, but there's still that doubt.
Otherwise, I have a couple other things going on in my mind. We all remember James, right? He has this girl he's in love with, Monika, and most recently in his love for her he stopped all dating for her so that they could be together in a long distance relationship; she, however, wasn't as ready to commit to long distance, claiming it was "too painful," and she would rather continue to date other guys and encouraged James to do the same. From what he's told me, he's very hurt by this, and I hate seeing him that way. As weird as it seems to quite a few people, I care about James very much and I always will, and additionally because of our past relations and such, that care is protective, as well (not to mention I'm naturally maternal). When he confided in me his situation last night, I flew off the wall so to speak. It drives me crazy, especially in something like love, when I see him keep all of his feelings to himself in order to keep his relationship with Monika to her level. I believe love is a mutual thing, and true love is when you can express yourself without worrying what the other person will think, and it also is where BOTH people make sacrifices for each other to make each other happy, no matter what. And from what I've heard from James, all the sacrifices being made are on his end, and he doesn't feel comfortable telling her what he feels about the situation. The last message I sent to him last night before I fell asleep (because I was so upset) was this: "Long distance proves, for a couple, that they can get through anything together if they try. If she can't go through this, what else can't she get through?"
Being in a long distance relationship (rather successfully, by the way), I know it isn't easy, I know it's painful, and it tears me apart to be away from Graham for such long times between visits. There have been more than enough times were he and I think that not being together would be best, that we'll keep the emotional intact by being friends but we'll satiate the physical cravings by dating other people. However, there are a couple things wrong with that thought process (which are the reasons that get me so worked up about James's situation): why waste our time with other people when we know that we're with each other for forever, and why let our parents know this and stay apart until we're eighteen when we could see each other often and be together? It's just, none of Monika's apparent argument makes sense to me. Sigh; it's all a mess.
The last part of my thoughts recently are just minor fears that I have:
1) Graham and I fall apart, one way or another,
2) I'll break and end up cheating on Graham,
3) Graham breaks and end up cheating on me,
4) My best friend and I grow apart,
5) I'll lose a couple of my other closest friends, and (as always)
6) My parents, or his parents, will shut Graham and I down.
Off for now; happy 54th birthday, Dad.
Love,
Caitlyn
There's been something recent come up in my life, and a friend's, that we're going through together, and for her discretion I will not say who this friend is or what our recent situation is, but I will say it's something pretty big, yet something we have somewhat conflicting views on. I have a feeling in my stomach that everything will be alright, and the facts and logic we know assures the two of us that we'll be fine, but there's still that doubt.
Otherwise, I have a couple other things going on in my mind. We all remember James, right? He has this girl he's in love with, Monika, and most recently in his love for her he stopped all dating for her so that they could be together in a long distance relationship; she, however, wasn't as ready to commit to long distance, claiming it was "too painful," and she would rather continue to date other guys and encouraged James to do the same. From what he's told me, he's very hurt by this, and I hate seeing him that way. As weird as it seems to quite a few people, I care about James very much and I always will, and additionally because of our past relations and such, that care is protective, as well (not to mention I'm naturally maternal). When he confided in me his situation last night, I flew off the wall so to speak. It drives me crazy, especially in something like love, when I see him keep all of his feelings to himself in order to keep his relationship with Monika to her level. I believe love is a mutual thing, and true love is when you can express yourself without worrying what the other person will think, and it also is where BOTH people make sacrifices for each other to make each other happy, no matter what. And from what I've heard from James, all the sacrifices being made are on his end, and he doesn't feel comfortable telling her what he feels about the situation. The last message I sent to him last night before I fell asleep (because I was so upset) was this: "Long distance proves, for a couple, that they can get through anything together if they try. If she can't go through this, what else can't she get through?"
Being in a long distance relationship (rather successfully, by the way), I know it isn't easy, I know it's painful, and it tears me apart to be away from Graham for such long times between visits. There have been more than enough times were he and I think that not being together would be best, that we'll keep the emotional intact by being friends but we'll satiate the physical cravings by dating other people. However, there are a couple things wrong with that thought process (which are the reasons that get me so worked up about James's situation): why waste our time with other people when we know that we're with each other for forever, and why let our parents know this and stay apart until we're eighteen when we could see each other often and be together? It's just, none of Monika's apparent argument makes sense to me. Sigh; it's all a mess.
The last part of my thoughts recently are just minor fears that I have:
1) Graham and I fall apart, one way or another,
2) I'll break and end up cheating on Graham,
3) Graham breaks and end up cheating on me,
4) My best friend and I grow apart,
5) I'll lose a couple of my other closest friends, and (as always)
6) My parents, or his parents, will shut Graham and I down.
Off for now; happy 54th birthday, Dad.
Love,
Caitlyn
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