Fading.

No, this is not an April Fool's joke.

For the last few days, and then for a little bit before Patrick came up, I've been incredibly low. I never thought I could get so low (credit: Shaant for the CIWWAF reference). I felt like I was losing Ian in my life, what with him opening up to this ex for the first time since they broke up and reading her responses to what he told her. For the first time since November, I craved that physical release only cutting gave me, but I'd been fighting it. Hard. And for the first time since Graham, I had someone who was willing to fight with me. And that made me feel a little better.

Then yesterday, TJ came over for Easter Sunday dinner (as per my mother's idea/request), and things went too far. We sat/laid talked about some stuff, caught up, the whole time there existing the most awkward tension (something I hadn't felt since Jimmy and Sam first got together), and we were both thankful dinner was called. After, we came back up to my room, talked a little more, and he opened his arms for me to fall asleep in, which I did for the next couple hours. When I woke up, I knew he'd been crying, and following a lot of pestering on my part he told me it was because he read a text Ian sent where he ended with "I love you too." And then...then I'm not really sure. Tension became too much. He kept saying "I'm trying really really hard not to do anything, for your sake" and I kept thinking "Just fucking do it already," and soon enough we were kissing and he was undoing my dress and we kept murmuring something about "one last time." He asked a couple times if I was sure, and I asked the same thing, but I wasn't sure. I knew I was going to regret it that whole entire time, but I thought it would make him feel better and relieve some of the tension between us. So, we slept together. Brief and totally not worth it. He left soon after.

I broke down the second I got back to my room. Begged Ian to Skype with me. Debated between spilling my guts and keeping quiet because I knew it'd only be a one time thing. Ultimately, I went for "you love him with all your heart and you don't want to start this off with secrets" so I told him. It was the first time where I've had the "I fucked up" conversation and cried while doing it. At first, he was confused on what to feel, and an hour into Skype later he said he needed some time to think to himself on what to do, because it was either he was coming to prom and we're going to stick with this together, or he'll throw his hands in the air and leave this because it's not worth the pain after everything he'd been through. I knew I was low, and I should've known that if I'd asked he would've stayed, but I let him go. And I showered, and after nearly 17 months of being cut-free, I caved. An hour later, Ian asked to Skype again ("Hey. Skype?") and I for sure thought that he was going to call it quits. But, he didn't. For some crazy reason because he's out of his mind, he's still here. However, he was still hurt, as a result of an action I'd chosen to partake in. And that made me feel worse than I'd ever felt in my life. Apparently there'd been something in my eyes, telling what I wanted to scream, and he said, "Please don't hurt yourself." I already had, and told him so, and that hurt him worse.

Anyway, we ended the night on a fairly good note, all things considered, and we woke up to each other on Skype before he left for work. He's been gone all day. But, the feeling of regret and hurt and guilt and every bad thing kept coming  up, and I slowly started hating myself a little more each minute, and basically I came to the conclusion a few hours ago that Ian would be less hurt if I just disappeared, faded away into nothingness; if I were dead, he'd be okay. I'd intended to cut when I showered sometime tonight in between homework at the least, if not just end it all altogether. But he got what I was feeling out of me (he's actually recording some songs with friends so he's been fairly unreachable since work), and then he sends me this:

"No. If you fade, it will cause me so much more pain. I will never get Rochester with you, so much more talking with you, being with you, experiencing life with you. And you wouldn't get Rochester. You wouldn't get so much of this amazing future you have ahead of you. And I know that that would cause you so much pain, too, missing out on all those things. I'm going to call you in a little bit. Please. Don't hurt yourself, Cait. Please. For me. Just wait for me."

I cried. I did. I mean, before Patrick came, we were missing each other a little on some key parts of our lives; it wasn't as perfect as it'd started out to be. Not that I loved him any less than the first night he barely beat me in telling him, but it was harder. More real, anyway. And then after Patrick left, the urges and whatnot came back, and I wasn't really myself. We weren't "us." But when he sent that, it all kind of dissolved and spread into the back of my mind; I was even more affirmed in thinking so after he called. We're going to be okay. More than okay. I'm fully aware that we've only been talking for a month and there are bound to be more complications, we're both aware of that, but as long as he's here with me and we take on this stuff together, then we'll be alright. We're better together anyhow. I love him so incredibly much, and I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us. Because, as soon as I know this is, I can't see getting any better than Ian. He's quite literally everything I ever wanted, and more. I know I'm young, we both are, but so what? If I met the person I'm meant to be with, don't I have the right to be crazy and stupid, regardless of my age? I think so.

I best be off, have to do the massive pile of papers and other homework and there's only 10 hours to do it before I have to get ready for school! Woo!