Today is my last normal day for junior year. After my history final, I check into my art class to make sure I don't get a zero for an assignment I did, then I go to French for the last time this year. Tomorrow is my UCF visit at 10:30, so no school, and Thursday I take my last two final exams. And then it's summer.
Besides my recital, family reunion, and Rochester visit, I have roughly half of summer to be at home and doing as I please (but I'll probably be with TJ, when he's not working). My teachers thought it'd be a good idea to assign additional homework to our 4,000 word extended essays for IB, but it's whatever; I always get it done. Maybe I'll start my first day off so I don't forget or run out of time. I'd rather spend the beginning of summer doing my homework and relax at the end instead of chilling out now and scrambling during the last week before school starts (like everyone else).
My final grades consist of 4 B's and 2 A's, a considerable difference from last year (then again, anything would be better than last year), and that's what will be on my transcripts when I apply to colleges on August 1. It still hasn't hit me that a year from now I'll know exactly where I'm going to college, how I'll be getting there, and what I'm doing for my graduate degree. I'm not worried about that, because I know I'm getting a quality education either way. I'm either making the economical choice and going to UCF, getting huge scholarships and going to Rochester or NYU, or making enough scholarships to cover DePaul in Chicago. I can always transfer for my undergraduate, or apply for my master's degree, or spend time looking for jobs in either area. Either way I'll get there. The only thing I'm worried about in my immediate future is TJ.
The chances of us going to colleges relatively close around each other is slim. I mean, we're applying to colleges around each other, but us actually attending those colleges might not happen. His Pratt Institute in NYC is close to NYU (within 20 minutes), as his his University of Chicago to my DePaul (roughly a half hour), but University of Florida is 2.5 hours from UCF. And any given combination of those colleges make seeing each other possible only through a plane trip. As I'm sure everyone's aware, long distance didn't go so well the first time, and I'm at the very least hesitant to jump into it again. It turned me into someone I wasn't, and I didn't like that. But if we can make it through 4+ years of distance, then I think I found my match. Of course, the ideal situation is us going to college close, with my preference being living in Chicago and sharing an apartment following his first year (I won't even begin to go into my wedding guilty pleasure).
On another note, I had my tattoo consult last week. My parents, surprisingly enough, are relatively okay with it, as long as I talk to my doctor first because I could be allergic to the ink. But other than that, if I can get the money together ($150-200 total...hey it's a quality environment for a quality tattoo) then my mom will consent to taking me in and getting me inked. In case I haven't mentioned this before, I want a linden tree (it represents marriage and commitment) on my ankle, with roots trailing onto the side of my foot to read "Family." I'm ecstatic about it, actually. All I need now is the money, and my birthday is coming up in 11-ish days.
The future doesn't scare me so much anymore. I like it that way.
Love,
Caitlyn
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Senior Power!
The end of the school year is fast approaching, much to do with maintaining my grades for the year and studying for finals, but today was senior check-out. I'll miss those kids to an extent, but I know they're leaving us behind for something much better than this petty, insignificant experience.
But today, I am officially a senior in high school. Officially, I have one year left of high school. Officially, one year from now, I'll know exactly where and how I'm going to college. I'll be an adult. I'll finally have what I've been craving for so long: freedom. Freedom from drama, freedom from being treated as a child, freedom from feeling trapped. I'll no longer have to pretend to like certain people, or really pretend at all. All the choices are my own, for me and no one else. It's just me.
The countdown has begun, all part of senior power.
Oh and also: "Go home, freshmen!"
But today, I am officially a senior in high school. Officially, I have one year left of high school. Officially, one year from now, I'll know exactly where and how I'm going to college. I'll be an adult. I'll finally have what I've been craving for so long: freedom. Freedom from drama, freedom from being treated as a child, freedom from feeling trapped. I'll no longer have to pretend to like certain people, or really pretend at all. All the choices are my own, for me and no one else. It's just me.
The countdown has begun, all part of senior power.
Oh and also: "Go home, freshmen!"
Monday, May 7, 2012
Because I lack time for a better post.
By the time you finish this sentence, if you read this at all anymore, you'll know I'm talking to you. About you.
I don't even know why I'm wasting my mental capacity on you for another second. It was a summer romance that went on too long, then we got overly involved, and then we hurt each other too much, and now you're just someone I used to know.
I've spent hours of tears on you. Endless, sleepless nights of headaches and puffy eyes and smeared make-up. I was desperate for you, not just because I was losing you. We spent a long time discussing my cliched "daddy issues," and all you leaving (and dicking me around) did was amplify my terror of abandonment, making my worst nightmares reality. And despite you tearing me to shreds, I STILL wanted you.
For the last year or so, I thought I wanted to be with you in the future, as you made clear nothing was happening while we were still teenagers so far apart. And then I thought we could still be friends, or at the very least be able to be civil and keep the doors of communication open. Your little girlfriend, and your never-ending hurt over my sleeping with Jimmy THREE YEARS AGO, made it very clear that we will never be able to be anything but exes. For awhile, I forgave you for all of that, understood your pain and weak will. Hell, if you and her are happy together, congratulations, go forth and multiply. Get married. Say you're over me all you want to, but you and I both know that deep deep down you aren't. And she will never be me.
I however don't want you. I want nothing to do with you. You hurt me, and yeah I hurt you but I made mistakes. I paid for them. What you did was completely uncalled for, and I will never forget it. You will never have a place in my life or a piece of my heart again. Fuck you. TJ is so much better.
Despite all this, I will continue these last two parts of our story, because there's so much more to what happened than you know or that I ever admitted. If you're not reading, then I'll take part in the simple pleasure that I'm talking about you and you have zero idea, and you have zero say. You can make up whatever you want to that girl you're fucking, but you can't hide from me.
Have a nice life, douchebag.
I don't even know why I'm wasting my mental capacity on you for another second. It was a summer romance that went on too long, then we got overly involved, and then we hurt each other too much, and now you're just someone I used to know.
I've spent hours of tears on you. Endless, sleepless nights of headaches and puffy eyes and smeared make-up. I was desperate for you, not just because I was losing you. We spent a long time discussing my cliched "daddy issues," and all you leaving (and dicking me around) did was amplify my terror of abandonment, making my worst nightmares reality. And despite you tearing me to shreds, I STILL wanted you.
For the last year or so, I thought I wanted to be with you in the future, as you made clear nothing was happening while we were still teenagers so far apart. And then I thought we could still be friends, or at the very least be able to be civil and keep the doors of communication open. Your little girlfriend, and your never-ending hurt over my sleeping with Jimmy THREE YEARS AGO, made it very clear that we will never be able to be anything but exes. For awhile, I forgave you for all of that, understood your pain and weak will. Hell, if you and her are happy together, congratulations, go forth and multiply. Get married. Say you're over me all you want to, but you and I both know that deep deep down you aren't. And she will never be me.
I however don't want you. I want nothing to do with you. You hurt me, and yeah I hurt you but I made mistakes. I paid for them. What you did was completely uncalled for, and I will never forget it. You will never have a place in my life or a piece of my heart again. Fuck you. TJ is so much better.
Despite all this, I will continue these last two parts of our story, because there's so much more to what happened than you know or that I ever admitted. If you're not reading, then I'll take part in the simple pleasure that I'm talking about you and you have zero idea, and you have zero say. You can make up whatever you want to that girl you're fucking, but you can't hide from me.
Have a nice life, douchebag.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Saying Goodbye
While my high school career still has a year to go, I have friends who graduate and attend college in the next few months.
We all remember Jimmy, if you've read this blog from 2010. He's been in my life since seventh grade; that's longer than any one of my other friends, including Chelsi. Back then, I acknowledged that this day would come, but it felt so far away. Now it's here, staring me in the face, and I haven't really known what to feel/say/do about it. He has a girlfriend (who happens to be one of my friends and TJ's former crush; she liked him too), and I won't step on their toes. He's going to FSU, not too far away but far enough. I won't have time to see him over the summer much, if at all, not to mention that, again, I don't want to step on his relationship's toes. It hasn't hit yet that he'll be gone, and there's a good chance I'll never see him again after this year.
He's been there for me through everything, and I really mean everything. He's my damn rock. And we're scarily alike. I've worried about saying anything of the sort, out of fear that it'll be awkward and further fuel him to not talk to me when he leaves for school in July. He's told me before (though this was years ago) not to tell him you miss him, because then he'll feel bad about not missing you because chances are he'll be enjoying himself. But then out of the blue on Facebook (he finally caved and got one), he messages me and asks if we're going to stay in touch when he leaves; then he says that he'd like to. I can't help but smile at that: here is this guy, we've had a pretty rough relationship over the last five years, I've been told by him that he doesn't care about me (two years ago but still), I watched him grow up [some], and now here he is telling me that I'm one of the people he doesn't want to leave behind. Wow.
Not reading into it. I grew up, too. I'm not that pre-teen and immature girl I was when we met. And I think he knows that, just like I know he isn't who he used to be either. And now here we are, him turning 18 the day after I turn 17, and we're planning a joint birthday party as a final get-together of sorts. Just us, our significant others, and a close friend each. Gather around and do whatever because, well, YOLO (yes that just happened). I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited.
Speaking of "YOLO," that brings me to Mitchell. While he's in the grade behind me, I have to say goodbye to him too, but not in the same way. Ever since we started talking again, he went straight back into the whole "Cait I love you, I still want you to be my first, let's get together" thing. I'll admit: at first I thought "He's never going to get over me, I might as well see the kid," but then "What the fuck are you thinking? Doing that will make him more attached not less, and you have TJ, and you don't even Mitchell like that anyway." I approached the situation to him logically by bringing his girlfriend into it; he told me he loved her and that he didn't want to lose her, so I asked why he couldn't have his first with her. He continued insisting that he wanted it to be me. After that, I haven't really talked to him since. Not ignoring him, I just don't have anything else to say in texts. What I have to say needs to be in person: "Mitchell you have to move on. This isn't okay. We aren't kids anymore. I have someone and so do you. There was a time I wanted to be with you, but that was a long time ago. I'm sorry." I've said that over texts many times, and it apparently never got through, so I have to say it in person or over the phone. But he never calls/accepts my calls, and when I suggest meeting for coffee he keeps saying "We probably won't see each other after that, so any time we meet we should use it for sex." I can't keep doing this with him. He held a decent place in my life, and I want him to be happy, but I can't sleep with him to make him happy. I just can't.
I have to say goodbye.
Love,
Caitlyn
We all remember Jimmy, if you've read this blog from 2010. He's been in my life since seventh grade; that's longer than any one of my other friends, including Chelsi. Back then, I acknowledged that this day would come, but it felt so far away. Now it's here, staring me in the face, and I haven't really known what to feel/say/do about it. He has a girlfriend (who happens to be one of my friends and TJ's former crush; she liked him too), and I won't step on their toes. He's going to FSU, not too far away but far enough. I won't have time to see him over the summer much, if at all, not to mention that, again, I don't want to step on his relationship's toes. It hasn't hit yet that he'll be gone, and there's a good chance I'll never see him again after this year.
He's been there for me through everything, and I really mean everything. He's my damn rock. And we're scarily alike. I've worried about saying anything of the sort, out of fear that it'll be awkward and further fuel him to not talk to me when he leaves for school in July. He's told me before (though this was years ago) not to tell him you miss him, because then he'll feel bad about not missing you because chances are he'll be enjoying himself. But then out of the blue on Facebook (he finally caved and got one), he messages me and asks if we're going to stay in touch when he leaves; then he says that he'd like to. I can't help but smile at that: here is this guy, we've had a pretty rough relationship over the last five years, I've been told by him that he doesn't care about me (two years ago but still), I watched him grow up [some], and now here he is telling me that I'm one of the people he doesn't want to leave behind. Wow.
Not reading into it. I grew up, too. I'm not that pre-teen and immature girl I was when we met. And I think he knows that, just like I know he isn't who he used to be either. And now here we are, him turning 18 the day after I turn 17, and we're planning a joint birthday party as a final get-together of sorts. Just us, our significant others, and a close friend each. Gather around and do whatever because, well, YOLO (yes that just happened). I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited.
Speaking of "YOLO," that brings me to Mitchell. While he's in the grade behind me, I have to say goodbye to him too, but not in the same way. Ever since we started talking again, he went straight back into the whole "Cait I love you, I still want you to be my first, let's get together" thing. I'll admit: at first I thought "He's never going to get over me, I might as well see the kid," but then "What the fuck are you thinking? Doing that will make him more attached not less, and you have TJ, and you don't even Mitchell like that anyway." I approached the situation to him logically by bringing his girlfriend into it; he told me he loved her and that he didn't want to lose her, so I asked why he couldn't have his first with her. He continued insisting that he wanted it to be me. After that, I haven't really talked to him since. Not ignoring him, I just don't have anything else to say in texts. What I have to say needs to be in person: "Mitchell you have to move on. This isn't okay. We aren't kids anymore. I have someone and so do you. There was a time I wanted to be with you, but that was a long time ago. I'm sorry." I've said that over texts many times, and it apparently never got through, so I have to say it in person or over the phone. But he never calls/accepts my calls, and when I suggest meeting for coffee he keeps saying "We probably won't see each other after that, so any time we meet we should use it for sex." I can't keep doing this with him. He held a decent place in my life, and I want him to be happy, but I can't sleep with him to make him happy. I just can't.
I have to say goodbye.
Love,
Caitlyn
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