Getting Lost

I've been lost a fair share of times in my life thus far. Most of them were bad.

For example, I was lost when my parents split up. I had zero idea where my family was going. I was 6. Where was Daddy? Why can't I sleep in between you two when I have a bad dream?

Then 7th grade. Bad cutting and depression phase. Boy crazy phase. Career jockeying phase. Jimmy then both Colins then Ryan then back to Jimmy.

Found myself with Graham. Felt at peace for the first time in about 7 years. It was good. I knew I had purpose. Didn't dare want to make the same mistakes my parents made. But then he left and I was lost again. Felt lost until maybe 5 months ago.

I was finally back on track. TJ helped so much. Still does. Took me awhile to figure out if he and I were real or if I was using him to fill the void Graham gave me. We're the real deal. Don't know what that means in high school, but I feel as good as if not better than I felt with Graham. And that's saying a lot.

TJ and I were supposed to go to the state fair Friday night. Plans fell through. So we were driving around looking for a place to eat because we hadn't eaten since 3 and it was nearly 7, and we're talking and laughing and being really adorable and then he goes, "Oh shit I think that was our exit." He's still laughing as he says it. I look at him smiling and we continue to laugh. We also continued to get lost for another half hour or so until we at last found a decent Cracker Barrel.

I think that was the only good time ever I had getting lost. Probably because I wasn't alone. Probably because we were never really lost. Probably a lot of things. We had fun. And I enjoy it even moreso because I know how it could've gone. We could've missed our exit and fought about it. I could've activated my OCD bitch mode and yelled about how stupid he was that we got lost and my dad was gonna kill him for taking me out and how goddamn hungry I was. But I didn't. And it wasn't a conscious choice. It just happened that we enjoyed getting lost together. And that feels amazing.

You could say I'm still a little lost. I have big decisions to make a year from now about school. I need to figure out some major choices before it's too late. I don't know what I'm going to do about money and paying for my education. I don't feel at home where my mom says I should feel at home. Yeah I'm still a little lost. But I think I just found a map. Hard to read but I have one.

I have my good days and my bad days. At least now I have someone to go through them with.

Love,
Caitlyn